20+ Restaurant 'Red Flags' That Mean People Should Leave Immediately

[Huxleys Babkins]

31. Croutons arranged on the top of your soup like a swastika/cock and balls

[Fambo Number Mive]

32. The remains of a thumb in your "steak"

[Poobum]

33. Cunt waving massive planes in.

[Mr Farenheit]

34. The waiters are all 'jocks' and the patrons all 'nerds' ,just like you, who are having most of the food and drink poured down the back of their shirts, in their shoes or over their heads, in between receiving 'wedgies' and 'swirlies'.

[Mr Farenheit]

26. Free miniature of Nigel Farage with every meal

It does happen!

[Huxleys Babkins]

35. Incredibly effeminate man who'll mince over to your table, point at your chest and start chanting "Bitch Breasts" over and over.

[dissolute ocelot]

36. Your food instagrams you as you're eating it.

[Replies From View]

37. The owner of the restaurant keeps shouting IT'S RATTLESNAKE COUNTRY!!! over a tinny intercom that sounds like it might actually be a child's toy.

[Huxleys Babkins]

38. The house band is The Joey Deacon Blues, the self-described "most politically incorrect bossa nova covers band in the UK today."

[BlodwynPig]

39. The chef's special is your face under a cloche

[Replies From View]

40. The audio from The Human Centipede 2 being piped into every room and it causes all the staff to touch themselves.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

41. You are offered a couple of carriage clocks with the bill

[Dr Trouser]

42. Massive phallic pepper grinder full of asbestos dust to pep up the food

[Huxleys Babkins]

43. Your waiter keeps dropping and spilling things and says stuff like "Benson sorry" and "Benson do better", whilst saying things like "Three cheers for Benson!" and "Benson good boy" when he does well. Upon closer inspection you discover that "Benson" is your dad.

[Fambo Number Mive]

44. Every ten minutes the staff break out into a song from Mary Poppins.

45. You are only allowed to refer to chips as "chippy chips". If you mention the word "chips" on its own the manager comes out and kneecaps you while screaming "CHIPPY CHIPS" into your face, spittle going all over your table.

[Mr Farenheit]

46. The interior is a long spiral tunnel the walls of which get closer together the further you go in. There are no tables or diners to be seen until you get to the end but by that point the tunnel is too low and narrow to pass through so you can only watch hungrily as the other diners enjoy their meals. You crawl back out of the tunnel wedge and walk back the way you came. When you exit to the street and start walking away, a waiter comes running behind you. 'Your bill, sir! You didn't pay.' You protest but the waiter insists and threatens to call for the police. You ask how much it is and what you are supposed to be paying for. 'Its five hundred pounds sir, for wasting everybody's time.'

[BlodwynPig]

47. "The Great Suprendo will be coming round the tables tonight"