Author Topic: Things people believe about you that just aren't true  (Read 3321 times)

Jockice

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Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« on: April 28, 2021, 11:34:11 AM »
I mentioned in another thread the time in my late teens three mates and myself went on holiday to Majorca for a week of not even trying to cop off with girls fun.

Now I got badly sunburnt on the first day so spent the next few days wearing jumpers and long trousers while my pals were in shorts and t-shirts. I've since lost touch with one of the guys but the other two are convinced to this day that the reason I got so frazzled is that I'd taken and put on some factor one sun cream, thinking it was the strongest variety.

This is utter bollocks. You don't get to the age of 19 with my complexion without realising that the higher the number the better the protection. Even in Britain I'd wear factor 50 on the rare occasions that the sun came out. The reason I got burnt on the first day is that we went down to the hotel pool almost straight after arriving, I hadn't put anything on at all (well apart from my trunks) and we ended up lying on sunbeds for about an hour afterwards. What with the just arriving on holiday bit (and as I've previously mentioned my family rarely did holidays when I was a kid, and certainly not abroad) I totally forgot to put suncream on. And lived to regret it.

But the factor one lie has since become an urban myth that continues even to this day. Whenever we're gathered together and the subject of holdays comes up it appears. I'm not particularly bothered about this (I've had much worse things said about me) but it's just not true. It'll probably be an anecdote at my funeral, by which time I'll be in no position to argue.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2021, 11:39:37 AM »
Did you hear that everyone? Jockice thought Factor One was the strongest sun cream you could get!!!!  19 he was! And with his complexion!!


I'm spreading this.

Jockice

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2021, 11:40:38 AM »
Did you hear that everyone? Jockice thought Factor One was the strongest sun cream you could get!!!!  19 he was! And with his complexion!!


I'm spreading this.

You rotter!

TrenterPercenter

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #3 on: April 28, 2021, 01:35:52 PM »
One of my best mates that I used to be in primary school with has orchestrated an incredible lie that I used to wet my pants regularly at school; to the degree that this was so well known I received an elaborate nickname for it; he has been concocting a series of feasible, but fake stories, over the years to sustain this lie, which if truth be told have been pretty impressive in their construction to point that even I can imagine them being true myself.  He has managed to be so convincing that other friends and especially my other half regularly call me this nickname now and refer to these made up tales as "yeah remember when you...."

I barely refute them nowadays; my friend has simply won me over with his dedication to it all.  Fair play to him.

pigamus

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #4 on: April 28, 2021, 01:47:43 PM »
I remember about fifteen years ago my mom telling me about a conversation she'd had with my sister about whether I was gay or not. "We decided you weren't," she said. Thanks for that.

icehaven

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2021, 02:58:30 PM »
When I was about 18 I went out with a Scottish guy for a while and he tried to kid me that Irn Bru was the only soft drink that was allowed to be sold in Scotland and that everything else like Coke, Pepsi, Tango etc. was banned. I absolutely did not believe him for one second and told him as much, but it didn't stop him telling everyone we knew for the rest of our brief relationship and much longer friendship that when we'd first met I'd fallen for his hilarious joke completely and had spent ages thinking it was true. Of course I fucking didn't.

Endicott

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2021, 04:13:44 PM »
Anyone who's ever lied about me has been killed.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2021, 04:33:25 PM »
Anyone who's ever lied about me has been killed.
Prove it you LIAR

imitationleather

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2021, 04:38:16 PM »
Loads of rumours around town about bad stuff on my hard drive.

Paul Calf

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2021, 04:40:48 PM »
Endicott has killed thousands.

* Paul Calf waits

pigamus

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2021, 04:46:44 PM »
It’s all there on his CPC464 Endicott, you can’t hide

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2021, 04:47:39 PM »
People think I'm a nice person.

Jumblegraws

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2021, 04:54:08 PM »
When I was about 18 I went out with a Scottish guy for a while and he tried to kid me that Irn Bru was the only soft drink that was allowed to be sold in Scotland and that everything else like Coke, Pepsi, Tango etc. was banned. I absolutely did not believe him for one second and told him as much, but it didn't stop him telling everyone we knew for the rest of our brief relationship and much longer friendship that when we'd first met I'd fallen for his hilarious joke completely and had spent ages thinking it was true. Of course I fucking didn't.
I have a friend who’s quite annoying for that sort of thing, although I’m 99% sure it’s cos he has a tendency towards false memories, rather than deliberate embellishment. Usually it manifests as his hearing an anecdote and then after a few years confabulating that he was actually present when it occurred, but occasionally he outright revises an incident.

For instance, one time I got extremely drunk and scrawled puerile graffiti with a permanent marker around town. Knowing that I’m easily made anxious, he texted me a day or two later saying the police had been round to ask him if he knew anything about my petty vandalism. As with your tale, I didn’t believe him for a second and even managed a little burn out of his ruse by telling him that his claim not to have squealed on me was a dead giveaway he was bullshitting.

Years later, he claims I had a full-blown panic over the text. Again, he’s not even purposely lying, he actually confabulates false memories and will accept the real version of events when reminded, then after a time he lapses back into his fantasy world. It’s weird.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2021, 04:54:48 PM »
Good idea for headstone

R. I. P

Jockice

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non capisco

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2021, 04:59:04 PM »
For years my mum seemed to think I was a fan of the band Maroon 5. I saw that band you like on telly the other day, Maroon 5, she'd say. What have you been up to lately, son? Been to any Maroon 5 gigs? I have never expressed any opinions either positive or negative about Maroon 5 in her presence, have never owned any records by Maroon 5 and have never played a note of their music in any room in the house I used to live in with her. I thought she must have been confusing them with another band but, no, when I moved back in with the parents for a couple of years in the mid 2000s she called me downstairs going "Ross! Ross! Maroon 5 are on telly!" and it was THAT Maroon 5! If it was my dad I'd know he was trolling me but this wasn't a joke, she genuinely had it in her head I was a card carrying member of the Maroon 5 fan club. I have no idea how this happened. When she has one of her little lucid moments poking her head out of the alzheimers fog these days and looks at me excitedly because she's remembered something part of me is still thinking "Oh god, this is gonna be about Maroon 5, isn't it?"


Inspector Norse

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2021, 05:05:29 PM »
Do Maroon 5 even have fans as such? I thought they were one of those bands that were just rich and famous because they had a contract to play exclusive gigs at awards ceremonies and in VIP lounges at sports events.

Butchers Blind

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2021, 05:25:36 PM »
Years back a group of us friends spent a week up in the Lake District and on the Sunday we stopped in at a local pub and a very large and enjoyable roast. Cut to some months later and a story started going round that at this pub I had ordered two roast dinners and ate both of them one after the other, so people started calling me 'Two Dinners'. Despite this simply not happening (I was a skinny lad back then and there being no way my stomach could handle that much) this nickname stuck. Even now friends have me down in their phone contacts as 'Two Dinners'.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2021, 05:39:33 PM »
A mate's girlfriend decided that she quite fancied me and decided to send me a load of unsolicited saucy texts and pictures, requesting similar in return. Very soon after, I've got my furious mate on the phone asking why I'd asked her to send me a load of saucy texts and pictures. I think he knew deep down that her story didn't make any sense; where were my texts/calls asking her for them, why were the only texts from me asking her what she was doing and to stop immediately, why did she take and send any pictures at all? But he was 30, she was his first girlfriend, and I think he was more than willing to bend reality to keep the dream alive.

Alas, he also told a load of mutuals about what a bastard I'd been and they all believed him, so I was cast out. Relations with a few have thawed since due to her sending more pictures to another mate (these were from their honeymoon in her bridal undies), but most of them still believe that he's the victim of repeated attempts to besmirch the good name of his missus.

Janie Jones

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2021, 05:52:51 PM »
Years ago, I persuaded a group of friends to come and see Wu-Tang Clan with me at Hammersmith Odeon and it was a good gig but we were the only white people we could see and the atmosphere was a bit unsettling, it’s the only time I’ve seen an actual gun being waved around in space near me. Anyway, on the way out I said, ‘Well! That’s the last A Tribe Called Quest gig I’m going to!’ to lighten the mood and ever since it’s been, ‘Haha Janie booked tickets for Wu-Tang Clan because she’d got them muddled up with A Tribe Called Quest!’ And the more I impotently fume that yes, that was my joke, the more longevity I seem to give it.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #19 on: April 28, 2021, 06:15:19 PM »
That’s given me flashbacks to the two separate occasions I joked “they’ve not been the same since Vince Clarke left” after seeing New Order and the Pet Shop Boys and nobody got it.

Janie Jones

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #20 on: April 28, 2021, 06:19:56 PM »
Ha serves us right for being smartarses. Mine’s gotten worst this decade, it’s become, ‘Janie is a doddering old fool who told us we were going to see A Tribe Called Quest and we nearly got killed at a Wu-Tang Clan gig.’

buttgammon

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #21 on: April 28, 2021, 06:23:31 PM »
For many years, my mum has repeatedly said that I'm a Billy Idol fan, despite the fact that I could only name one of his songs and am entirely indifferent to this.

There was a kid in primary school who insisted my trousers fell down in year 3. This didn't happen, but he repeated this several times over a number of years, and he did it so vehemently that I think he genuinely thought this happened.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #22 on: April 28, 2021, 07:23:39 PM »
I still get asked if it's true I can't eat anything with corners because I was once seen eating a rice cake at school when I was about nine.

shiftwork2

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #23 on: April 28, 2021, 07:36:34 PM »
For some reason people believe I'm a massive cunt and it isn't true.  Oh hang on, it is.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #24 on: April 28, 2021, 07:45:44 PM »
People think I'm a previous poster (TFM). 

touchingcloth

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #25 on: April 28, 2021, 07:46:11 PM »
Not about me per se, but my mum bought my dad a thong with "TOP BANANA" printed on the pouch one Christmas when I was aged about 15, and I made the stupid decision to tell some of my idiot 15-year-old friends about it.

The lore among those friends to this day is that my dad "used it so much that Christmas that Cloth came downstairs one morning to find it broken through overuse and stuffed in the kitchen bin". I don't really know what they imagine he was doing with a thong to fuck it up quite so badly.

mothman

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #26 on: April 28, 2021, 08:45:01 PM »
This is my actual wife, mind - the one person who’s supposed to know me better than anyone else…

So near us we have quite a good old-fashioned family butcher. They do award-winning sausages and pork pies. But also very nice Cornish Pasties. Many’s the time I’ve popped over there on a Saturday morning to pick us up a couple for our lunch. And when lunchtime comes, MrsMoth brings me mine on a plate, piping hot.

I like my pasties cold, all right? Don’t @ me. And I know I’ve told her otherwise, but still she persisted.

Then one day, success! At last she brings it to me cold. FINALLY. Then she starts to eat hers - then stops. “Oh, no” she says, “This one is yours!”

She’s been heating up MY pastie ONLY for years. Not because she thinks they should all be served hot, nooo… because she thinks I like mine hot.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #27 on: April 28, 2021, 08:52:25 PM »
A mate of mine routinely tells people I dislocated my knee by falling in the shower. The truth is much more embarrassing, and still I correct him every time: I was actually fresh out of the shower and towelling off - bollock naked - when I turned to sneeze and popped my femur out. It was about ten seconds before I then put weight on it and it popped back in and I started screaming.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #28 on: April 28, 2021, 09:31:40 PM »
For years my mum seemed to think I was a fan of the band Maroon 5. I saw that band you like on telly the other day, Maroon 5, she'd say. What have you been up to lately, son? Been to any Maroon 5 gigs? I have never expressed any opinions either positive or negative about Maroon 5 in her presence, have never owned any records by Maroon 5 and have never played a note of their music in any room in the house I used to live in with her. I thought she must have been confusing them with another band but, no, when I moved back in with the parents for a couple of years in the mid 2000s she called me downstairs going "Ross! Ross! Maroon 5 are on telly!" and it was THAT Maroon 5! If it was my dad I'd know he was trolling me but this wasn't a joke, she genuinely had it in her head I was a card carrying member of the Maroon 5 fan club. I have no idea how this happened. When she has one of her little lucid moments poking her head out of the alzheimers fog these days and looks at me excitedly because she's remembered something part of me is still thinking "Oh god, this is gonna be about Maroon 5, isn't it?"

Maroon 5 are surely one of those bands that exist solely for situations like this. If anyone's gonna baselessly assume a younger relative is into a band, Maroon 5 are your guys. They've just got that something (nothing) about them.

In a previous workplace, a colleague apologised for having the radio in our little room tuned to Radio One with "Sorry flotemysost, I know you like your grunge music."

I barely spoke to anyone in that office, I don't think they could have told you even the most basic data about my existence, so I've no clue where they got that from. I suppose grungers are archetypally withdrawn and miserable, so I showing up as I did every day with a face like a smacked arse I probably fitted the bill. I was actually fine with Radio One, although certain songs from that summer (Pound The Alarm by Nicki Minaj, Bom Bom by Sam and the Womp) do trigger anxious flashbacks to that grimy windowless room.

A mate of mine routinely tells people I dislocated my knee by falling in the shower. The truth is much more embarrassing, and still I correct him every time: I was actually fresh out of the shower and towelling off - bollock naked - when I turned to sneeze and popped my femur out. It was about ten seconds before I then put weight on it and it popped back in and I started screaming.

Haha, fucking hell!

touchingcloth

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2021, 09:42:19 PM »
For years my mum seemed to think I was a fan of the band Maroon 5. I saw that band you like on telly the other day, Maroon 5, she'd say. What have you been up to lately, son? Been to any Maroon 5 gigs? I have never expressed any opinions either positive or negative about Maroon 5 in her presence, have never owned any records by Maroon 5 and have never played a note of their music in any room in the house I used to live in with her. I thought she must have been confusing them with another band but, no, when I moved back in with the parents for a couple of years in the mid 2000s she called me downstairs going "Ross! Ross! Maroon 5 are on telly!" and it was THAT Maroon 5! If it was my dad I'd know he was trolling me but this wasn't a joke, she genuinely had it in her head I was a card carrying member of the Maroon 5 fan club. I have no idea how this happened. When she has one of her little lucid moments poking her head out of the alzheimers fog these days and looks at me excitedly because she's remembered something part of me is still thinking "Oh god, this is gonna be about Maroon 5, isn't it?"

One of my best friend’s mums died in a horrific accident which still traumatises me to this day.

Soon after it had happened my mum asked me how Clothchum was, and Clothchummum. I said that he wasn’t great because sadly this awful accident had happened out of the blue, and I was a bit shocked from it myself.

Thankfully he hasn’t seen my mum since then - she died in summer 2009, like Jacko, but at least twice a year she’ll ask me how Clothchum is, and what Clothchummum is up to these days. And twice a year I remind her of the horrific circumstances of her death (seriously, it’s the kind of freak accident most people wouldn’t forget). I don’t think there’s much chance Clothchum will spend time in my parents’ company again, but I was shitting myself at my wedding as I had visions of it turning into a real life version of that Fawlty Towers German episode. Don’t mention the ma.

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