Author Topic: Things people believe about you that just aren't true  (Read 3323 times)

Jockice

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #60 on: April 29, 2021, 08:22:05 PM »
A mate of mine routinely tells people I dislocated my knee by falling in the shower. The truth is much more embarrassing, and still I correct him every time: I was actually fresh out of the shower and towelling off - bollock naked - when I turned to sneeze and popped my femur out. It was about ten seconds before I then put weight on it and it popped back in and I started screaming.

My usual bit about me apparently falling down the stairs drunkenly at a New Year's Eve party and fracturing my spine. When actually I was totally sober and someone fell down them and landed on me sitting at the bottom.

Been through all this before several times on here of course but when years later you meet someone who says she was at the party and saw you fall down the stairs or alternatively you tell someone who wasn't there what happened and they STILL think it was you who fell down the stairs it gets a bit wearing.

New page tell me lies, tell me shit little lies.

mothman

  • I don't know why
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #61 on: April 29, 2021, 09:12:27 PM »
ooof. This stings worse than if she'd been sleeping with your grandad all these years.

It may be revenge for the time we were going to New Zealand and I told her the plane had to flip over as it crossed the equator.

But even then I’ve had further revenge when I let her go off for a city break to Tirana thinking that the Albanian currency is called the Splott.

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #62 on: April 29, 2021, 09:51:30 PM »
If this happened to me I think I'd walk into traffic.  Seems like an extreme reaction but it would just *get* to me.

Shameless Custard

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #63 on: April 29, 2021, 10:09:23 PM »
Whilst in a job a few years back I had a year long relationship with a young lady from Ghana. This lead to colleagues claiming for years that I only liked black women. Like it was some kind of fetish

Now, I love black women. Adore them even. But I feel the same about women of all races. Women are lovely, and I love them. Lovely, lovely, lovely

Yet when I started seeing my current (and hopefully final) partner, I could feel the jaws hitting the floor when they found out that she was Slovakian. In fact a manager from another home shouted out "But she's white!"

It's not really something that bothered me, in fact I found it quite funny, but it was definitely a bit strange. Like a black woman would walk past or come to work with us or simply just exist, and I'd get nudges and winks and "Ooh, I bet you like her, eh?!"

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #64 on: April 30, 2021, 06:00:25 AM »
I had someone ask me if it was true that I’d lost a bollock after getting it entangled in my fishnet stockings when out one Halloween and very drunk.

Seems it was common knowledge and strangely impressive.

Ambient Sheep

  • RIP Marian Howard 1968-2021
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #65 on: April 30, 2021, 08:34:08 AM »
It may be revenge for the time we were going to New Zealand and I told her the plane had to flip over as it crossed the equator.

Surely you weren't flying in an F16?

https://twitter.com/smartereveryday/status/1054504452667961344

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #66 on: May 01, 2021, 08:55:27 AM »
When I was about 18 I went out with a Scottish guy for a while and he tried to kid me that Irn Bru was the only soft drink that was allowed to be sold in Scotland and that everything else like Coke, Pepsi, Tango etc. was banned. I absolutely did not believe him for one second and told him as much, but it didn't stop him telling everyone we knew for the rest of our brief relationship and much longer friendship that when we'd first met I'd fallen for his hilarious joke completely and had spent ages thinking it was true. Of course I fucking didn't.

It wasn't Federico from Big Brother was it?. One of my enduring memories of the show is him trying to be funny in the diary room to absolutely no reaction from the female on duty that day. Then coming out and telling the other housemates what he had said and adding: "She was pissing herself!"

Well she may have been literally pissing herself for all I know but she certainly wasn't laughing..

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #67 on: May 01, 2021, 09:12:32 AM »
Some people believe that I threatened a science fiction author with castration.

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #68 on: May 01, 2021, 09:18:23 AM »
One of my best friend’s mums died in a horrific accident which still traumatises me to this day.

Soon after it had happened my mum asked me how Clothchum was, and Clothchummum. I said that he wasn’t great because sadly this awful accident had happened out of the blue, and I was a bit shocked from it myself.

Thankfully he hasn’t seen my mum since then - she died in summer 2009, like Jacko, but at least twice a year she’ll ask me how Clothchum is, and what Clothchummum is up to these days. And twice a year I remind her of the horrific circumstances of her death (seriously, it’s the kind of freak accident most people wouldn’t forget). I don’t think there’s much chance Clothchum will spend time in my parents’ company again, but I was shitting myself at my wedding as I had visions of it turning into a real life version of that Fawlty Towers German episode. Don’t mention the ma.

My best mate at secondary school's younger brother killed himself (totally unexpectedly) in his early 30s. Very sad. Now another friend of mine went to the same junior school. They were the only two in our year who did so their families knew each other fairly well. Friend two's mum apparently asks quite regularly about friend one and his brother. Friend two's response is usually along the lines of: "I haven't seen them for a while." He didn't have the nerve to tell his mother about the suicide almost two decades ago and till this day she remains blissfully unaware. And I have been warned if I ever meet her not to mention it. Fair enough.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2021, 09:30:20 AM by Jockice »

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #69 on: May 01, 2021, 11:30:46 AM »
There was then a period of family members buying me whisky, which I also don't drink, but at least it wasn't a shameful reminder of youthful vomits.

A few years ago I bumped into a mate from my teens/early 20s in a pub. We hadn't seen other for years so we started reminiscing. He then offered to get me a drink: "A whisky I suppose?" No thanks mate, I don't like it. But he swore blind that's what I used to drink on our early nights out. I have actually tasted whisky three times in my entire life and the second two of them were by mistake. I also don't think that on any of those occasions Leigh was with me. I can't bear the stuff. Even the smell of it makes me want to gag. But he obviously had it in his head as Scottish bloke so therefore obviously likes whisky. Very wrong indeed.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2021, 01:16:44 PM by Jockice »

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #70 on: May 01, 2021, 02:49:02 PM »
I'm frightened of decapitation, this is true and probably one of the few things everyone knows about me.

We had to watch the Polanski version of Macbeth for GCSE English and my teacher gave a quick ''If anyone is squeamish about beheadings, close your eyes now.'' before the decapitation scene. Everyone knew she meant me and I duly closed my eyes and that was that. I did not faint, I did not need to be carried out and I did not need counselling afterwards though many of my school friends seem to think this is case.

On the subject of things our mums think we are into, my mum is convinced I am madly interested in Richard III and will call me every time  something Richard III related is on the telly or radio and keeps trying to get me to join the Richard III society.  Now my mum is into Richard III so somehow she he has mistaken me for herself.

Shaky

  • I drink your thread
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #71 on: May 02, 2021, 03:07:29 AM »
This sounds petty when I type it, but I've a couple of old schoolfriends back home who still firmly believe I'm a bit of a contrary edgelord when it comes to movies and music. All because I was a shy kid with eclectic tastes who couldn't/didn't feel the need to explain why I liked some "odd" stuff. A recent conversation ended with me weakly shouting, "I'm 41 - why would I waste time listening to music I don't actually like? Why are we even having this conversation??"

Also got a drunken text from one of them calling me a narcissist, no doubt based on some unspecified, self-involved shit or other from 15-odd years ago. I've moved countries since then, had a family, we speak only several times a year - fuck off!

Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #72 on: May 02, 2021, 08:01:52 AM »
This sounds petty when I type it

12 years ago I asked my mum for a tumble dryer for Christmas  / my birthday. Then, about a fortnight after I got it, it stopped spinning. I told my mum, who told the company and it got repaired under warranty. The repair man said that it was due to a fault in the manufacturing. My mum insisted that I must have overloaded it cos I am an idiot who doesn't know how to use a tumble dryer.

MojoJojo

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #73 on: May 02, 2021, 09:12:09 AM »
His ex still went round telling people I'd wanted him though. Huxley, I guess she was like your mate and it was just less painful to try and blame a woman she didn't like or know well rather than the best friend she had liked and trusted for a couple of decades.

Is it possible the "best" mate had been throwing suspicion on you as a way to distract? I'm probably over thinking what's just a bunch of cruel stupid people.

icehaven

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #74 on: May 02, 2021, 10:23:15 AM »
Being slightly gothy* in my dress sense I've encountered a fair amount of assumption I must also be really into horror and fantasy/sci-fi but I'm not at all. Can't blame them really as a lot of people who dress like me are, but while I like a good psychological or spooky horror I don't like anything gory or overly violent, and as for fantasy no fucking way, I'm not remotely interested in anything LOTRish or with goblins or witches or vampires or whatever. I've disappointed plenty of customers in the various libraries I've worked in when they've made a beeline for me to ask for recommendations for the latest good new horror or fantasy books and I've had to slope off and Google it.




*Well wearing a lot of black, dying my hair, skulls being a prominent theme across my clothing and interior decoration etc.

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #75 on: May 03, 2021, 08:02:38 PM »
A few years ago I bumped into a mate from my teens/early 20s in a pub. We hadn't seen other for years so we started reminiscing. He then offered to get me a drink: "A whisky I suppose?" No thanks mate, I don't like it. But he swore blind that's what I used to drink on our early nights out. I have actually tasted whisky three times in my entire life and the second two of them were by mistake. I also don't think that on any of those occasions Leigh was with me. I can't bear the stuff. Even the smell of it makes me want to gag. But he obviously had it in his head as Scottish bloke so therefore obviously likes whisky. Very wrong indeed.

About ten years ago I reconnected with some old pals at the wedding of one of our mutual friends.  I remembered us as good mates in our mid-teens - we knew each other briefly from a drama club we did on Saturdays, and it was completely isolated from my school world where I had no friends.  So it felt - at the time, quite deliriously romantic, just hanging out in the park in the long summer between GCSEs and A Levels with people who didn't hate me, generally being a bit daft, occasionally visiting each other's houses and all that.

After the wedding ceremony, in the bit where everyone was drinking and dancing and stuff, one of these old friends remarked that I appeared "naked" because I wasn't holding a balloon.  He laughed and started miming all this inhaling of helium.  Realising his mime wasn't quite connecting with me at first, he tried it a number of different ways to jog my memory, and included a squeaky version of his voice between doubling over in waves of laughter.  He was remembering some absurd things that I might have said with the aim of being funny all those years ago, but overlaying them with a helium gauze.

It sheds a strange light on a shared past when you realise nobody ever really saw you for who you were.  Whether you seem to get on with people at the time or not, it's all a bit transient really.  I have never inhaled helium from a balloon in my life, not even tried it once.  I am scared of everything to do with sucking anything that isn't natural air from the atmosphere.  Never smoked, never done gases from a balloon.

For the rest of the afternoon/evening I ran into him several times and all he did was burst into laughter and remember my helium balloon antics.  My very face and body triggered this response in some kind of Pavlovian way.  There were times when he was gasping for breath, he found it so hysterical.  Nothing I have ever actually done in real life has made anyone laugh that much, which pissed me off as well.  That misplaced pride, that need to be identified as funny, is why I didn't correct his misremembering at any point.

Shaky

  • I drink your thread
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #76 on: May 04, 2021, 05:19:49 AM »
12 years ago I asked my mum for a tumble dryer for Christmas  / my birthday. Then, about a fortnight after I got it, it stopped spinning. I told my mum, who told the company and it got repaired under warranty. The repair man said that it was due to a fault in the manufacturing. My mum insisted that I must have overloaded it cos I am an idiot who doesn't know how to use a tumble dryer.

Is she still insisting this, though? And does she drunkenly text the words "tumble dryer" to you at 4am?

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #77 on: May 04, 2021, 07:27:00 AM »
Whilst in a job a few years back I had a year long relationship with a young lady from Ghana. This lead to colleagues claiming for years that I only liked black women. Like it was some kind of fetish

Now, I love black women. Adore them even. But I feel the same about women of all races. Women are lovely, and I love them. Lovely, lovely, lovely

There was a similar thing with some of my friends thinking I only like Asian women. This is because I had an Asian girlfriend for a few months in the early 90s. And my best platonic female friend - who I met in the late 90s - is also Asian. But nothing like that has ever gone on between us. We're mates that's all. Oh yeah, and the lass who has cut my hair for the last decade or so is Asian too. She's lovely but at least two decades younger than me. I would have no chance whatsoever. To be precise they're all Pakistani, which makes my alleged fetish even narrower.

However my current (and hopefully last) girlfriend is white, as have been all the others (apart from a weird few weeks sort of stepping out with a black neighbour of mine. I don't even really count that one) but some people still think I spent the whole of my life before I got together with you know who trying to create a harem without converting to Islam. I should be so lucky. Lucky lucky lucky. As Replies From View once sang at a class assembly before snogging someone.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2021, 08:08:54 AM by Jockice »

buttgammon

  • First they came for the theme tune
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #78 on: May 04, 2021, 10:02:03 AM »
It was a longstanding joke among my cousins that I had a massive thing for black women, purely on the evidence that I fancied Alesha Dixon and the original Chelsea in Eastenders in about 2008. Being in a relationship with a fellow pale Celt for seven years seems to have finally put this to bed.

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #79 on: May 04, 2021, 10:28:28 AM »
It was a longstanding joke among my cousins that I had a massive thing for black women, purely on the evidence that I fancied Alesha Dixon and the original Chelsea in Eastenders in about 2008. Being in a relationship with a fellow pale Celt for seven years seems to have finally put this to bed.

I wish I had a massive thing full stop.

buttgammon

  • First they came for the theme tune
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #80 on: May 04, 2021, 10:37:07 AM »
I wish I had a massive thing full stop.

The rumour about my massive thing isn't a rumour but a fact.

Buelligan

  • STOP being afraid
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #81 on: May 04, 2021, 11:23:19 AM »
've been introduced by various employers to visiting bigwigs reviewing the troops/staff a couple of times now as the Ambassador's daughter. 

When they do it, the statement is always accompanied by a Kathy Burke type upwards-eye-glance and a small smug smile.  Like they're saying, yes, I keep a brace of leopards as pets but it's nothing really.  I always correct them afterwards and ask them where they got this idea and they always say everyone knows and smile as if to say, we know, by your denial, that you're embarrassed, someone born to great privilege, fallen this far, achieved the status of a bum. 

Sometimes I idly ponder how a lesser person might use this lunatic snobbish fantasy to scam the living shit out of them.

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Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #82 on: May 04, 2021, 12:10:04 PM »
However my current (and hopefully last) girlfriend

Say, aren’t you the lad at our school who hoped to die prematurely?

Jockice

  • I really have red hair. And a **********.
Re: Things people believe about you that just aren't true
« Reply #83 on: May 04, 2021, 12:32:47 PM »
Say, aren’t you the lad at our school who hoped to die prematurely?

I should be so lucky mate.

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