Man gonna be cow choppes

[Fambo Number Mive]

TLDR: nearly got trampled by a herd of cows today.

Was walking along a footpath which went through a series of fields (including one field that seemed to be part marsh, my shoes got all muddy and kept sinking into the ground), several of them had cows in. The first field of cows just watched me from a distance, but I was crossing the second field when several of the cows started running at speed towards me, getting faster and faster. It looked like some of them were trying to cut me off before I reached the stile, which felt a long way away.

I only just got over the stile before they reached me, it was literally seconds between me getting over the stile and cows trampling me. There was a little wooden bridge beyond the stile and as I crossed this the cows were standing in a small group looking through the stile at me, and they did not look friendly. They then ran off to join their cow friends.

Another field further on had a warning about a bull but fortunately the animals in that field were too far away.

First a ram charging me, now this! I know that some walkers in the UK have been killed by cows, they are scary creatures when they run at you (though they were probably scared of me as well, even though I was just walking past them). Couldn't see any obvious calves.

Will do my best to stay out of fields with cows in them, the only option was walking along a road with no pavements and an overgrown verge where cars were whizzing along.

Anyone else had any bad experiences with cows ? I suppose, given how humans exploit cows for their milk, skin and meat, I can't really complain when chased by cows (not that I've eaten beef since lockdown began). It's very sad that people have been seriously injured and even killed by cows over the years though.

It would help if footpaths were better signposted throughout the UK and if they were properly fenced off from where animals are grazing. I don't want to bother cows and I don't want them chasing me.

[TrenterPercenter]

I once had an illicit affair with a cow but it's over now, I guess they just got tired of being the udder woman.


Sorry I genuinely have nothing else to offer[nb]offal[/nb] than this shit joke; I like cows and find it amusing that you have been bullied by them.

[Endicott]

Prepare then, for more amusement!

Yes, cows. Summer before last walking through a field, a herd came after me, and I had to stand and shout at them. Ever had a cow run at you and then stop on its tippy toes about 4 feet from you while you scream into its face? It's a sight to be seen.

To elaborate a little, they kept coming back after me, and charged me at least 3 times. So that was three times I was shouting into their cow faces. At the end, they cut me off from my way out of the field and I had to approach them, and shout them out of my way.

[Butchers Blind]

If you were wearing a leather jacket, that's a big no-no with cows.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Yes, a good thing to do is get a sense fairly early on what the animals in the field are going to do, how they react to your presence. Mostly, cows who see lots of hikers don't give a shit, but certain times of year and situations can be dangerous. Horses usually don't care either but can be similarly erratic and dangerous. Even sheep. Last winter I was shaken up after being circled by about 100 rams, a bit like you I only just made it to the fence and vaulted it, but I was trying to stay cool and not run until the last minute. Their eyes looked a bit crazy too. This was a well marked path that even had a sign welcoming me through the field. Cunts. I spent the following day trying to find routes that wouldn't take me through farmers fields.

[Ambient Sheep]

There's this famous 2009 tale of a near-death cow experience from ex-CaBber Jemble Fred:

https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,21072.0.html

(Found via Google throwing up this 2018 cows thread: https://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php/topic,66561.0.html)

[Endicott]

I should never have insulted the black and white one's mother.

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

I've shouted down some dogs but I steer clear of fields with livestock.

I was almost hit by a train three years ago, that's the closest I've come to death.

[Captain Z]

You should never walk through a field of trains, that's basic.

[LynnBenfield69]

Took the missus for a walking holiday in Yorkshire Dales with the dog last year. Wife was slightly ahead of me when a cow wandered into my path with two calves at its side. It closed in as I attempted to creep around her, then suddenly charged. Dougal and I vaulted the nearest rock fence only to find a fucking bull on the other side. It started bucking wildly and we went for the next fence as it also charged. Just made it over the next fence, having to virtually drag poor Dougal over by his lead.

Tore my clothes up to shit, terrifying. Not sure if the dog's presence was the major factor.

[Emma Raducanu]

I was once butted by a goat without horns and it literally made me laugh. The brass balls of it were to be admired as I towered over it.

I've spent a lot of time in cow's field since the start of lockdown and haven't had any bother from them. I had a herd follow me to the exit but I think they were just expecting me to feed them.

[St_Eddie]

"These cows are small, but the ones out there are far away... up until they're not and trampling on your mutilated screaming body."

[Sebastian Cobb]

I lived in a commuter town, whilst not being rural did have cows in fields at the edges of (some) housing estates. Never really had much of a problem and usually been reduced to a load of them watching but not kicking off.

I'm generally more concerned about horses in fields because I think they can be a bit more erratic.

Prepare then, for more amusement!

My parents used to store their caravan at a storage place with a few acres and a friendly Irish Wolfhound. The thing would be roughly bollock height and could gallop at you at 20+mph.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Yes, a good thing to do is get a sense fairly early on what the animals in the field are going to do, how they react to your presence. Mostly, cows who see lots of hikers don't give a shit, but certain times of year and situations can be dangerous. Horses usually don't care either but can be similarly erratic and dangerous. Even sheep. Last winter I was shaken up after being circled by about 100 rams, a bit like you I only just made it to the fence and vaulted it, but I was trying to stay cool and not run until the last minute. Their eyes looked a bit crazy too. This was a well marked path that even had a sign welcoming me through the field. Cunts. I spent the following day trying to find routes that wouldn't take me through farmers fields.

I get the feeling lots of farmers hate right of way acts and the like. And whilst some are obvious about not liking it, others take to malicious compliance.

[Goldentony]

we were at some famr ground thing for a mates wedding once and during the first night when everyone was walking around bored (two day thing) we found fucking HORDES of cows near the entrance, tons of them, the first thing we did was just wait and eventually every single one of them just walked over to us politely and stood there with us, we just muttered HAHA GOOD LADS and other stuff and they were fine. My advice therefore is offer the cow a cig.

[Glebe]

Glad you're okay Fambo.

[Fambo Number Mive]

Glad you're okay Fambo.

Thanks.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

They were probably Tory cows. Labour cows would never do that.

[idunnosomename]

it's young bullocks that are really dangerous. they're all pumped up on hormones and just follow you relentlessly. are you sure they weren't bullocks? usually cows only come up to you because they think you have feed.

also nearly every walker death from bovine trampling had a dog with them. always let go of your dog in that situation

[Buelligan]

This ^ I wouldn't even say they're dangerous (in the sense that they wish to fuck you up), they're a gang of adolescent lads, out on their own for the first time, they get excited, they test the boundaries, if you run, they will chase you just to find out what happens next.  They may end up fucking you up by accident, just like a gang of adolescent lads.

Like every living thing on earth, cows, some cows, can do harm.  In my experience, this is mostly inadvertent, squashing a farmer in the cattle crush or kicking reflexively.  Many humans see all cattle as "cows" rather than identifying some as bullocks, even bulls - this may be behind some of the worrying stories.

But, obviously, treat all living things with respect and caution.  Very glad you weren't thrown in the air and jumped on Fambs.

[touchingcloth]

my shoes got all muddy and kept sinking into the ground

I bet they did, the dirty old kicks.

[Pijlstaart]

None of this surprises me. The British Cow Community of course is historically disadvantaged, they suffer from high unemployment and poor quality housing and depressing cow turnout is an explicit goal of our voting system. The media is complicit in ignoring positive stories from the cow community in favour of anti-cowist rhetoric, and I do think Fambo is something of an agitator, I recall he circulated a pamphlet here on how to disrupt collectivist cow thought, but I'm further down the path than him, we need to be cow advocates and champion cow-led initiatives. Generations of codified milk banditry on our part has kept the cow community on it's back, we stole it, WE, a people who make milk ourselves, and our breasts are getting bigger every day from hoarded milk. Leading cow voices are calling for milk reparations in the form of a means-tested milk dividend to every cow, a tit in every mouth, if it isn't given it must be taken, the swollen breast of inequity will weep beneath the iron hoof of the valiant cow uprising.

[Fambo Number Mive]

They were probably Tory cows. Labour cows would never do that.

Kier Starmooer would.