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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

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frajer

Your dad is using a kebab skewer to pick his teeth, inevitably impales himself on it but refuses to admit he fucked up. "Meant to do it! I'm going as a cenobite for Halloween!"

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your dad is bragging about all the sex he has done

frajer

Your dad rugby tackles you in Tesco and yells "I've got him, the one who's been stealing all your dildos!"

Cuellar

Your dad is happy with who HE is. He likes himself. He is secure, he is grounded. He has a GROWTH MINDSET.

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your dad's favourite ever film is Ace Ventura Jr.

jobotic

Your mate rings when you're not in and asks your dad to tell you to ring him back.

"I won't tell him to ring you back, I'll ask him to ring to ring you back"

"Oh just fuck off"

You never hear from your mate again.

Glebe

Your dad is snoring on the couch while the Sunday lunch is cooking. It's a really annoying snore, like muffled talking on infinite repeat.

frajer

Your dad is dumping all the leaves from the back garden over the neighbour's fence and telling him he must have angered a forest spirit.

Glebe

Your dad is vomiting spaghetti hoops everywhere.

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your dad keeps applying polyfilla to his anus

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your dad has taken to calling himself a "survivor"

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Your dad is beaming at you from inside a mac store while you wait outside.  He's holding the latest iPhone aloft.


"Look at this, son!  A touch..." (he momentarily checks with the member of staff advising him) "a touch screen!!"

Fishfinger

He is getting a patio done just in case he needs to murder your mum.

frajer

Your dad is desperate to work at Heinz so he can learn the fabled 58th Variety. "I reckon it's something out of a sea creature."

Glebe

Your dad dresses up as Gary Glitter and goes up to some kids in the street singing "Do y'wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang, do y'wanna be in my gang - oh yeah!"

Some hours later you find yourself down the local police station trying to explain just how out of touch your dad is.

Fishfinger

September 13, 2021, 06:57:33 PM #585 Last Edit: September 13, 2021, 07:49:22 PM by Fishfinger
Dying quietly in his sleep, not screaming in terror like his prostitutes.

Fishfinger

Binning a nephew for spilling a fizzy drink.

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your dad heard somewhere that fray bentos pies usually have a coin inside.  right now he's ripping open multiple uncooked fray bentos pies in an attempt to turn a profit

Glebe

You're about to go into an important meeting with your boss when your dad suddenly appears with his trousers on his head. "Look son, I've gone mental!"

frajer

Your dad is not leaving until he's seen the manager. "He's an old friend!"
"Then what's the baseball bat for, sir?"
"Why, a belated birthday present of course."
"And the knuckle dusters?"
"....
..... I missed Christmas too."

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your dad is openly fiddling with a string of anal beads most hours of the day.  you enquire about it and he simply states that he was prescribed them for his ADHD

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your dad's new catchphrase (as he calls it) is "what a lot of wildlife there is about"

frajer

Your dad starts telling all your friends he's a MILF. "A Man I'd Lick For sure."

Glebe

"You had ONE job! You had ONE job! Heh!"

"Yes, and now I have NO job because you "rocked up" at an important meeting I had with my boss with your trousers on your head."

Haha, just saw him giving your mum a leg up over the wall at the back of the offie.
Bellowing "I am become stepladder. Bringer of upward bunk"
Such a drama queen. He's so "look at me".

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lol I saw that as well

bunked your mum over and then couldn't climb over himself

frajer

Your dad is eating all of the fish pie your mum lovingly cooked for dinner. It was supposed to serve 8! He's not even enjoying it anymore and feeling quite sick. But a man must test his mettle.

Captain Poodle Basher

Met your dad down the woods. He was by the badger sett. Says he's training them to mine for Bitcoin.

DoesNotFollow

He's struggling to maintain an erection, despite it not really being necessary for Sunday lunch at the Toby.




Glebe

You go for a walk to take your mind off being sacked because of your dad (see posts above). To your shock you come across your dad having lunch with your boss outside a posh cafe.

"Hmmm, you seem to have the necessary problem-solving skills your son so obviously lacks. How d'you fancy working for me?"

"Was gonna say, 'Arsed, cigs,' but go on then."

He's still got his trousers on his head.