Author Topic: Things your dad is doing.  (Read 19487 times)

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  • Rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant.
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Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #720 on: October 14, 2021, 03:35:45 PM »
Sits you in the passenger seat of his Citroen Visa.

Yanks an ordnance survey map out of the glove compartment and unfurls it.


Keeps unfurling it as it fills the front of the car and brings you to smothering point.  With a great “oof” he shoves the entire map onto your side and gives himself plenty of room.


“You will direct us there,” he tells you, and turns the key in the ignition. 



Before you know it, he’s off out the driveway and down the lane.  After several turnings, he is already irate. 

“WHICH WAY THEN?  WHICH WAY?  I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE NAVIGATING!  I CANNOT READ THE MAP WHILE MY EYES ARE ON THE ROAD!  PAY ATTENTION!  DID WE MISS A TURN?!  WELL WORK OUT WHERE WE ARE FROM LOOKING AT THE MAP!!  HOLD THE MAP PROPERLY - IT IS BLOCKING MY VIEW!!  PAY ATTENTION I SAID!!  LOOK FOR THE STREET SIGNS AND GET AHEAD OF WHERE WE WILL BE!!  GET THE MAP [physically shoving the map into your face] OUT OF MY VIEW!!!”


« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 03:55:54 PM by Replies From View »

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #721 on: October 14, 2021, 03:48:41 PM »
"Right son, Pointless is over, you can put on your The Squid's Games now."

"Thanks dad."

But the minute you stick on Netflix, your dad starts whistling loudly.

"Um dad, could you not do that?"

"OH SORRY, son!"

It's nice and quiet for the first five minutes of "The Squid Games", then he starts whistling even louder.

"Dad-"

"OH SORRY, right! I'll just go and make some coffee."

The kettle is annoyingly loud. Then your dad's mate Rory rings.

"OH HELLO, RORY! YEAH, I CAN HEAR YOU! MY SON IS WATCHING SQUID GAME! YEAH I'LL DROP THAT SANDER OVER TO YOU TOMORROW!"

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #722 on: October 14, 2021, 04:03:23 PM »
“They ruddy love tentacles going in and out of things, don’t they? Our Eastern chums.”

“What do you mean dad?”

“Squid games. Sucker play. Tentacle porn, boy. Surprised it’s showing on Netflix. They must have got my letter.”

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #723 on: October 14, 2021, 04:16:37 PM »
Your dad's neighbour Horace's dog is barking loudly again. Your dad pops his head over the fence to have a word with Horace about it.

"Could you stop your dog from barking? It's really annoying."

"Look mate, it's a dog. It's going to bark. I'm sorry."

"Very well then."

Your dad waits until Horace goes out for the day. Then he breaks into his garden and brings the dog around to his garden shed, wherein he beheads him and wraps him up in black bin bags. Then, being careful that nobody is watching, he puts the dog in the boot of the car and drives up to the mountains, where he buries him.

Your dad goes home and cleans up, then gets on with the gardening. Horace returns in the evening.

"Have you seen my dog, mate?"

Your dad stares at Horace over the fence. He doesn't blink once. He never blinks.

"No. I have not seen your dog."

Your dad whistles as he gets on with the mowing. His heart rate stays slow and constant, as it has done all day, even when he was doing the murderering.

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #724 on: October 14, 2021, 05:31:46 PM »
Contemplating the failure of his edgy restaurant chain, Eat Shit.

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #725 on: October 14, 2021, 06:09:53 PM »
Contemplating the failure of his edgy restaurant chain, Eat Shit.

“Maybe try a rename dad.”

A month later, Eat Shit and Die has gone into administration.

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #726 on: October 14, 2021, 06:55:39 PM »
A month later, Eat Shit and Dine has gone into administration.

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #727 on: October 14, 2021, 07:04:28 PM »
Heh, nice one. You eat the shit, you get to dine! “Exclusivity is very attractive, son.”

Cuellar

  • I'm over here
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #728 on: October 14, 2021, 07:06:18 PM »
Dad becomes a multi-millionaire off the back of his Eat Shit and Dine empire

"I'm Walter White!!" he boasts, having completely misunderstood Breaking Bad.

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #729 on: October 14, 2021, 07:08:52 PM »
Your dad is mad for classic grime. "Gimme them early-noughties phat beats son, ting!"

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #730 on: October 14, 2021, 07:20:08 PM »
.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2021, 07:32:18 PM by Fishfinger »

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #731 on: October 14, 2021, 07:37:41 PM »
Donning a salmon-coloured jumper and a mainstream demeanour in order to avoid the shame of an edit bug and all those children under the patio.


Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #732 on: October 14, 2021, 11:54:08 PM »
Things your dad said this week:

"That boiler needs servicing."

"Didn't think much of that drama on telly last night. Hardly any white men in it thanks to PC gone mad."

"There's a new pound coin for the clever grandson who can tell me who won last year's Grand Prix!"

"That sweater is 50% polyester. No wonder it's in the sale."

"Oof, my back!"

"Now that's what I call a neatly mown lawn!"

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #733 on: October 15, 2021, 01:05:43 AM »
Your dad finds an old, forgotten ipod nano in the bottom of the laundry basket and then easily spends the next seven hours looking all over the house and garage for a lead with which to charge it. Just prior to his bedtime, he is spotted in his office browsing on amazon for the necessary lead, but just as he is about to add the mid-priced one to his basket he stops himself and decisively closes the browser, irritated that he was about to take the easy way out and now completely confident in his belief that "there must be one lying around somewhere." The search will resume tomorrow.

Fr.Bigley

  • Shall I boil this kettle dry?
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #734 on: October 15, 2021, 01:14:46 AM »
Eating Hairy Bikers crisps, crying on the landing while the Bikers are rattling your mam in your old room.

KaraokeDragon

  • salve, dickheads
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #735 on: October 15, 2021, 03:12:51 AM »
Your dad is conducting an experiment with a group he assembled at the village fete: he plans to serve the participants a bowl of his gloopiest, muskiest semen while rebetika music plays in the background in the hopes of convincing them it's greek yoghurt.

"If they'll believe I'm employed by the university of Sussex they'll believe anything."

PlanktonSideburns

  • Get on the fet STAT
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #736 on: October 15, 2021, 08:22:31 AM »
Your dad can't use a screen printing kit and doesn't understand print on demand websites, so he's creating all his tshirts via googled clip art, powerpoint captions and overpriced tshirt transfer paper from Whsmiths.

On the cover of vogue in six months, with a face like bin laden on 911

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #737 on: October 15, 2021, 05:17:01 PM »
"Not sure what to have for breakfast, here in this hotel dining room dad!"

"ASK ABOUT THE BRAN FLAKES!"

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #738 on: October 15, 2021, 05:25:27 PM »
"Do you ever sit and wonder where it all went wrong with this country, son?"

"Heh, hard not to some days, isn't it dad."

When you look over your dad's got the phone receiver clamped to his face. "I'd like to report my son for communism please."

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #739 on: October 15, 2021, 05:33:33 PM »
Your dad keeps going on about not knowing people "from Adam".

"Be careful when you invite somebody you're unfamiliar with into your home son, that's my advice. You don't know them from Adam! A man called around the other day to talk about switching to Virgin Media, but I wouldn't let him in, I didn't know him from Adam! Then another man called later that day, but I was ready this time and he never got further than the garden gate. 'I don't know you from Adam, with your turban and that,' I threatened!"

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #740 on: October 15, 2021, 11:31:01 PM »
Disaster strikes at B&Q, where your dad comes to an abrupt end. "Just make sure my wife and son are well done by, peace out y'all and keep it real!" your dad shouts out as he is buried beneath numerous tins of Ronseal.

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #741 on: October 15, 2021, 11:46:42 PM »
Your dad had been busy with his new 3D printer. So far, he’s printed out a spare set of internal organs and an entire dormer bungalow.

jenna appleseed

  • "F••• you Captain Tom."
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Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #742 on: October 16, 2021, 06:04:48 AM »
On the cover of vogue in six months, with a face like bin laden on 911

The tragic thing is nobody has the heart to tell him that nobody actually like his shit, they're only buying them to wear ironically on tik tok. Your dad is accidentally the victim of a meme and Vogue are using him as a real life lolcow.

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #743 on: October 16, 2021, 06:54:56 PM »
Your dad keeps pushing the couch westward. "Better view of the TV, ngggg, come on budge you bastard!"

He's really going for it he's going to give himself a hernia. "There we go, nmmm, shift it!" Oh give over dad you bloody nutter mate.

Replies From View

  • Rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant.
  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • Gargoyles have milk bags.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #744 on: October 16, 2021, 08:37:46 PM »
your dad is holding up a placard in your living room that has “make John Carpenter release his original cut of Halloween III:  Season of your dad” written on it in friendly turquoise felt pen

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #745 on: October 16, 2021, 08:59:10 PM »
"Son, I've got the video of Clockwise for us to watch!"

"Dad, we don't have a VHS player."

"Now listen here you cheeky little sod, you're not getting out of this one," barks your dad, folding his arms across his sensibly jumper.

"Dad, I am merely stating that we do not have a VHS player."

Your dad sighs. "Doesn't everyone have a video player machine these days? In any case I thought you'd be happy for once. Its got that alternative comedian you like in it, John Cheeseman."

"Dad, just go and fix the lawnmower. You know you'd much rather be doing that."

"Fair enough son. Don't say I didn't try. Go on, you can put that A Game of Squids on your personal computer."

Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #746 on: October 16, 2021, 09:49:06 PM »
Your dad pesters you to go fishing with him for several months despite you not having any of the kit. Eventually you agree to go along with him. It's then that you find out he doesn't have a fishing rod, he just likes to put on long rubber boots and stand in water for hours.

Replies From View

  • Rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant.
  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • Gargoyles have milk bags.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #747 on: October 16, 2021, 10:11:29 PM »
your dad is presently wielding a hole punch and barking “come on, distend your rectum for papa”

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #748 on: October 17, 2021, 12:19:06 AM »
Your dad puts his back out hauling a Last of the Summer Wine boxset up the stairs, "Ooh, ya buggah!"

non capisco

  • Automatic writing by phantom limb
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Re: Things your dad is doing.
« Reply #749 on: October 17, 2021, 12:36:36 AM »
Your dad's gone down the chip shop dressed as his "black alter ego" again.

"if Joni Mitchell told your dad to jump in a dragon's mouth he'd get his trainers on for a run-up and he's never even met the woman" says your mum.

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