Things that are NEVER funny.

[An tSaoi]

Black belt in origami

[Autopsy Turvey]

The spoof bits at the end of Radio 4 literary panel show The Write Stuff.

Oh god, just calling a radio show The Write Stuff... That show was like a motorway pile-up of deathly smugness, and the last round was the cadaveric spasm, four of the smuggest affordable cunts taking it in turns to imagine what Samuel Johnson would make of life in the mid-2000s, every single one of them dropping in a reference to ye Posh & Becks, the poor audience having to force quiet noises through their noses to avoid the embarrassment of silence. 17 series!?

[dissolute ocelot]

When asked if someone plays any musical instruments: "I am a master of the triangle!!"

Unless you do play the triangle in an orchestra, which would be funny. Sadly, I don't think that's a real job (you would have to play a range of other percussion, like the gong.)

[idunnosomename]

Unless you do play the triangle in an orchestra, which would be funny. Sadly, I don't think that's a real job (you would have to play a range of other percussion, like the gong.)

I mean that's partly why the triangle trope joke is so unfunny, it demeans the role of percussionists through lazy ignorance.

on a related note, I suggest "I bet you're fun at parties", which is invariably said by a duller person than the person being accused of being dull.

[popcorn]

I mean that's partly why the triangle trope joke is so unfunny, it demeans the role of percussionists through lazy ignorance.

yep.

on a related note, I suggest "I bet you're fun at parties", which is invariably said by a duller person than the person being accused of being dull.

yep.

[Jerzy Bondov]

You're shouting at a [branded product], [name]

[popcorn]

I find basically any catchphrase or meme used to dismiss someone has zero credibility or power, and just makes the person using it sound incredibly dull and easily influenced. And smug - like "ha ha, THIS will please the followers!"

[An tSaoi]

Step 1 blah blah blah
Step 2 ????
Step 3 Profit

Maybe there are more steps, I don't know. It's shit.

[Fambo Number Mive]

You're shouting at a [branded product], [name]

That reminds me of the Yorkshire Tea saga where Yorkshire Tea tweeted that at someone, which led to a massive pile-on on Twitter for the person they mentioned. I always felt that was pretty unpleasant and unprofessional behaviour by whoever did that at Yorkshire Tea, I assume they were trying to shift attention away from themselves (this was after Sunak posed with a bag of the stuff and people on Twitter got angry) but they must have known what would result.

Basically, avoid Yorkshire Tea.

[idunnosomename]

Step 1 blah blah blah
Step 2 ????
Step 3 Profit

Maybe there are more steps, I don't know. It's shit.

it was funny the first time. twenty-two years ago.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO5sxLapAts

[Cuellar]

You're shouting at a [branded product], [name]

Similarly when, on twitter, someone will insert [name] into bit of observational comedy or something, along the lines of 'like, no, Becky/Jessica/Stacey/Arbuthnot, that's not how this works'

Can't find a specific example at the moment.

[pigamus]

"You should take more water with it!" to someone wearing a bandage.

[chveik]

Step 1 blah blah blah
Step 2 ????
Step 3 Profit

Maybe there are more steps, I don't know. It's shit.

it's funny when it's done well. like almost everything really

[BeardFaceMan]

Similarly when, on twitter, someone will insert [name] into bit of observational comedy or something, along the lines of 'like, no, Becky/Jessica/Stacey/Arbuthnot, that's not how this works'

Can't find a specific example at the moment.

John Oliver used to do that an awful lot on his HBO show. He may still do, i haven't seen it for years.

[turnstyle]

'He's behind me, isn't he?'

[dissolute ocelot]

'He's behind me, isn't he?'

This is another one where even the subversion ("No he's in front of you") has become a cliche.

[Dayraven]

it was funny the first time.

Applies to a lot of what's been mentioned.

[thenoise]

"You should take more water with it!" to someone wearing a bandage.

I don't get it.

[Jockice]

"You should take more water with it!" to someone wearing a bandage.

'You need to slow down/is there a speed limit for that thing?/beep beep/wish i had one of them, I could do with a rest/hope you've got your seatbelt on' to someone wearing a wheelchair,

[pigamus]

I don't get it.

It implies that you fell over when pissed.

[Captain Z]

This is another one where even the subversion ("No he's in front of you") has become a cliche.

Oh man, I'm laughing just thinking about the first time I saw that subversion in Futurama.

[MrMrs]

referring to your partner as MRS *INSERT FORUM NAME*

[Icehaven]

referring to your partner as MRS *INSERT FORUM NAME*

Fair enough to not like it but don't think that's ever supposed to have been funny, it's just a way of referring to them.

[Kankurette]

When asked if someone plays any musical instruments: "I am a master of the triangle!!"

Likewise, claiming 'banter' is a language, as in 'I am fluent in banter'.

And I actually did play the triangle in the school orchestra...along with the cymbal and various other bits and bobs.

[non capisco]

Likewise, claiming 'banter' is a language, as in 'I am fluent in banter'.

'Fluent in sarcasm' is one I used to see on dating sites. Think I'll give you a swerve then, you sound like a nightmare.

[neveragain]

referring to your partner as MRS *INSERT FORUM NAME*

I can see how it wouldn't work in your case.

[jobotic]

Ha.

One customer - two people waiting to serve them. "Are you going to fight over me?"

[Kankurette]

'Fluent in sarcasm' is one I used to see on dating sites. Think I'll give you a swerve then, you sound like a nightmare.

Yeah, being fluent in sarcasm or snark is an arsehole marker.

[AsparagusTrevor]

"while you're down there..."

[JesusAndYourBush]

Where else should I put them. Down the toilet?

When I was about 2 or 3 I put my Gran's collection of pot dogs down the toilet.  When I was caught I ran extra fast to put the last one down, her favourite - a little Scottie dog (which I have on the mantelpiece right now), and I was observed to be muttering the words "down the toilet... down the toilet..." under my breath.  I didn't flush it and they were all in there in a big pyramid of pot dogs, so were all retrieved unbroken.