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March 28, 2024, 11:34:54 AM

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Batman but he has IBS.

Started by Glebe, May 15, 2021, 11:23:05 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

BATMAN gets a videocall in the Batmobile. It's LUCIUS FOX.

LUCIUS FOX: Mr. Wayne, your upgraded anti-missile tyres are ready and waiting.

BATMAN: Thanks, Lucius. Listen, could you send us over some of them peppermint tablets you gave me before? Only me intestines are knotty as fuck today.

LUCIUS: You can get them in most pharmacies, Mr. Wayne.

BATMAN: I know mate but I'm in the suit. And I'm afraid I'll cack meself if I get up anyway.

LUCIUS: No problem, Mr. Wayne, will drop them off at your location via a Waytech drone ASAP.

BATMAN: Cheers mate grand nice one bye.

Twit 2

Farting fucking twats up the shitter, Robin, I've stressed my insides out my arse over some crims! I've got paperwork to file up the pipe come Tuesday and I've fucked my weekend touring Skegness! Commissioner Gordon's gone to Aldi to get bog roll for my liquid turds and he h'ant come back! Cat woman's shat her litter tray over the PENGUIN and my secret bog is blood red! Swivel the staircase, Alfred, I've got an ulcerative shame-fest brewing that'll use up all the teatowels in Wayne Manor. Signed off crim-cunting duties by a back alley quack while my anus is orphaned off to the state. Total cack dribble from now on, Hunter's chicken kicked down a U-bend. I've got a rope flying off my belt that sends my shit up the gutterings for inspections. I've not crapped regular since 1997 and I want to be killed!

non capisco

#2
THE RIDDLER: Hey, Batman!!! As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives.....
BATMAN: Oh, christ. (PHRRRFT!) I don't have time for this, Riddler!
THE RIDDLER: Each wife had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats! OOOOOH HOOOO HOOOOO HOOOOH!
BATMAN: Can you hurry this up, mate? I'm clenching like a bastard here. It'll be hitting the back of my tights like a bird against a window in a minute.
THE RIDDLER: Each cat had seven kits!!
BATMAN: I don't care, Riddler. I'm about to shit myself.
THE RIDDLER: Kits, cats, sacks and wives...how many were going to St. Ives....BATMAN?!!!
BATMAN: It's only one, innit? You! Everyone you've met is coming from St. Ives (PHHHHHRGHHH!) Oh fucks sake I've shat everywhere now, it's gone all up my legs!
THE RIDDLER: Ahahaha, I WIN, Batman!

Replies From View

somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb (because all the toilets are shut in debenhams)

canadagoose

Batman entrusted to save the world but can't because he's stuck in toilet painfully shitting his guts out for 45 minutes. World ends

rue the polywhirl

Na na na na na na na na Shat-man!

'EUNGH!'... 'PFFfff'... 'EGADS!'... 'SPLOOOOOSH!'

bgmnts

Batman caught short!?
No toilet paper!?

Will he be Batman or Scatman!?

Find out next week.... same Bat time, same Bat channel!

Replies From View

Quote from: canadagoose on May 16, 2021, 08:18:42 AM
Batman entrusted to save the world but can't because he's stuck in toilet painfully shitting his guts out for 45 minutes. World ends

while this is happening, Robin is waddling towards where an explosion is due to happen with a length of toilet paper sticking up out of his trousers


explosion happens and he is just





ok then may as well go back to the toilet to finish this off. 



and he does

the midnight watch baboon

Meanwhile, across Gotham a mentally ill man with a mask or other facial distortion unspecified is cackling in an alley when a folded piece of A4 flutters into his life.

"Whhh-whhh-whaaattt's this? Batman's food diary . . ."

GMTV

Film starts with the Joker blowing up Wayne Enterprises bog roll factory

Glebe

ALFRED: Going out fighting crime tonight, sir?

BATMAN: Nah Alfred mate just popping down the road to get some Immodium.

Replies From View

Bruce Wayne has a special piece of secret gym equipment set up in his Bat Cave that resembles a rowing machine, but he rubs his bare arse back and forth on it.

hamfist

"Dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman !"

"There in a minute, just in the bathroom"

BlodwynPig


Replies From View

Batman has a pouch full of Sainsbury's Basic scotch eggs in his belt which he constantly scoffs because he loves them.  They don't agree with his bowels though, and he knows it but they are his 'cheeky treat' he calls them.

Glebe

BATMAN: Sorry Catwoman, got to cancel our date.

CATWOMAN: Don't tell me, 'washing my hair' again?

BATMAN: Yee-eesss... in the bathroom, washing my hair.

famethrowa

BATMAN: Strap in boy wonder, I've set the destination into the BatNav.

ROBIN: "Ruffington Cheese Factory and Extra-Fizzy Pop Distillery"..... holy fistulae Batman, are you sure???


idunnosomename

Superman: Really Batman. You spend most of your time at Justice League HQ in the toilet. Are you wanking in there?

Batman: fuck off mate i have IBS

Superman: you didnt answer my question but then it was rhetorical.

Batman: oh you dirty old bollocks

Replies From View

"It stands for I'm Batman Signal"

Glebe

ALFRED: I really think your good mood is rather inappropriate Master Wayne, given that you failed to stop the Joker murdering those hostages last night!

BATMAN: Yeah Alfred but I've just taken the the most relieving dump of me life! Fucking nectar!

Glebe

ALFRED: Are you enjoying your evening, Master Wayne? You've not had a night off from fighting crime in quite awhile!

BATMAN: Indeed Alfred, nice to relax! Oh by the way, what's for dinner?

ALFRED: Chicken vindaloo, sir.

BATMAN: Oh ah I see on the Batcomputer that Two-Face or somebody is doing a heist or summit, er, better go out after all.

frajer

JOKER: my laughing gas will sort you out Batmaaaaan ahoohooheeakoff koff jesus what's that?

BATMAN: .... a side effect from your gas, no doubt!

JOKER: hm.

Glebe

LUCIUS FOX: How are you finding the new upgrades to the Batmobile, Mr. Wayne?

BATMAN: Fantastic, Lucius! Never mind all the other gadgets, turning the seat of the Batmobile into a flushable toilet and adding a toilet roll holder was your best idea ever!

frajer

MR. FREEZE: The freeze cannons are fully armed. Soon Gotham shall know the long cold dark of unending winter, like the void I have known since my beloved Nora perished *sniffffff* ok Batman's in the rafters, back to base lads.

Replies From View


Glebe

Batman changes his name to Buscopan Man.

Glebe

LUCIUS FOX: Mr Wayne, I have a delivery of nice, soft Cushelle waiting to-

BATMAN: It's too late, Lucius. It's too late.

frajer

*insistent knocking*

ALFRED: Master Bruce, the signal!

BATMAN: Give us five Bat-minutes Alfred. I'm in no state.