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Only Fools and Horses

Started by Leej88, June 08, 2021, 05:27:09 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

JamesTC

Rodney: Del, we're never going to sell those CDs you bought
Del Boy: I thought you said rock music was still popular
Rodney: But Del these are all Lostprophets CDs

kalowski

Uncle Albert's famous speech:
"During the war, I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me, Del. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face like Cassandra's... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with the Navy, during the war. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into Nelson Mandela house to inoculate the children. We left the flats after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and Mickey Pearce came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some right plonker. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. It was like falling into the loading bay of a pub. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us. So make us a fry up, Rodney."

Video Game Fan 2000


"What do you prefer: grass or astroturf?"

That one where Rodders brutally rapes, beats then tortures that gangster to try and get some info that could make a fortune for Del Boy is a bit much.  I like the end, though.

Gangster: No more!  I give in!  I'll tell you everything!  (Del Boy comes in)

Rodney: He's agreed to tell us (captive collapses)

Del Boy checks pulse of captive, then his open and unblinking eyes, then turns to Rodders.

Del Boy (in total exasperation) Rodders!  You ruddy great plon-keeerrrrr!'

kalowski

I have an official script.

                              Del Boy
                 "Like a Virgin" is all about a
                 girl who digs a guy with a big
                 dick.  The whole song is a
                 metaphor for big dicks.

                              Rodney
                 No it's not.  It's about a girl
                 who is very vulnerable and she's
                 been fucked over a few times.
                 Then she meets some guy who's
                 really sensitive--

                              Del Boy
                 --Whoa...whoa...time out Greenbay.
                 Tell that bullshit to the
                 tourists.

                              Grandad
                         (looking through his
                          address book)
                 Toby...who the fuck is Toby?
                 Toby...Toby...think...think...
                 think...

                              Del Boy
                 It's not about a nice girl who
                 meets a sensitive boy.  Now
                 granted that's what "True Blue" is
                 about, no argument about that.

                              Cassandra
                 Which one is "True Blue?"

                              Trigger
                 You don't remember "True Blue?"
                 That was a big ass hit for
                 Madonna.  Shit, I don't even
                 follow this Tops In Pops shit, and
                 I've at least heard of "True
                 Blue."

                              Cassandra
                 Look, asshole, I didn't say I
                 ain't heard of it.  All I asked
                 was how does it go?  Excuse me
                 for not being the world's biggest
                 Madonna fan.

                              Denzil
                 I hate Madonna.

                              Rodney
                 I like her early stuff.  You know,
                 "Lucky Star," "Borderline" - but
                 once she got into her "Papa Don't
                 Preach" phase, I don't know, I
                 tuned out.

                              Del Boy
                 Hey, fuck all that, I'm
                 making a point here.  You're gonna
                 make me lose my train
                 of thought.

JamesTC

New series starts next Tuesday. 8.30 on BBC One.

The latest trailer is hilarious. Uncle Albert has been recast and has come back from the dead as a zombie. "During the afterlife" is definitely going to be the catchphrase of the new series.

frajer

Didn't care for the one where Albert quantum leapt into the body of his younger self and accidentally fucked Hitler. At least it shut him up talking about the war though.[nb]As Hitler's Albert-fucked vigour led to Nazi global domination.[/nb]

petril


Video Game Fan 2000

Remember when Rodney spent all night writing grimdark synopsis for fake episodes of a sitcom on his comedy messageboard and woke up the next morning look like a Dark Souls mook and had to invent an excuse about staying up on the computer all night because he was on his second warning from Cassandra for that shit.


Video Game Fan 2000


idunnosomename

my favourite ep was when Del tried to flog fursuits, but Rodney got stuck inside one at a con and ended up in a scat party

"Del! the head won't come off!"

don't be a plonker Rodney! you make such a dashing fox: I'm sure you can make any 'ed cum!

"OH VERY FUNNY DEL. I'M SWEATING LIKE AN ARSEHOLE IN THIS CUNT"

Language Rodders! There's cubs present!

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

Del Boy falls through the event horizon.

Fambo Number Mive

Remember the episode where they dressed up as Batman and Robin?

QuoteDel Boy strides towards the rising steam-obscured pedestal
which bears the sleek, redesigned Batmobile.

Rodney appears in the door of his costume vault, dressed in
the black and red of his Nightwing costume.

Two dark avengers stand suited, ready to take back the night.

      Del Boy
   Nice suit. Custhy. And today you are?

      Rodney
   Nightwing.  Scourge of darkest evil.

      Del Boy
   This is all about fashion for you, isn't it?

      Rodney
   It's the gear.  Chicks love the gear.

Uncle Albert steps forward, out of the shadows.

      Uncle Albert
   Do call if you're going to be late for dinner, lads.

With Boycie as Mr Frigid Dick and Cassandra as Batgirl.

franticplanet

Del Boy setting up a suitcase in the market, but when he opens it, grandad's curled up inside, crying because "my willy hurts"

JamesTC


idunnosomename

GARY AN SALLY EYYY

HULL!!! OI OI!

AHHH MICKAY LAWNMOWAH. BOYCIE. LAAAHVLEY.

Fucking misery.


Fambo Number Mive

I always keep my display case of memorabilia in the toilet. Unless they've got so much that's the only space.

Wonder how long it will be before they feel the desire to have a shit every time they watch Only Fools and Horses? What if they wanted to have a tommy tank and had to avoid looking at the faces of Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad?

It would be hilarious if the rest of the house had nothing referring to Only Fools and Horses apart from the toilet.

I wonder how much it cost? Imagine looking into the eyes of Del Boy as Batman while you're squeezing out a massive poo. You'd get fed up of it after a while wouldn't you?

It's interesting how it's Only Fools and Horses that becomes an obsession with some people. No toilet done up with Mainwairing and Wilson on the wall watching you shit.

"Now where it all comes from is no mystery
It's from my body and it's poo and wee"

JamesTC

Only a matter of time before some deranged Only Fools fan kidnaps somebody called Gary and locks them up in an Only Fools and Horses themed toilet.

mrClaypole

Quote from: JamesTC on June 13, 2021, 04:01:37 PM
Now you too can have a shit whist Del, Rodders and Grandad watch.


Nice to see Neil Hannon standing in for Rodders when that Mural was painted.
Obviously he was having a day off consoling Cassandra

Display case parked right in front of Boycie. And quite right too. John Challis may take a shit in front of you, but you may not take a shit in front of John Challis, you filth, you nothing, you fucking worm.

Video Game Fan 2000

Remember the episode that started with two suitcases driving a robin reliant to peckham market, carried Del Boy and Rodney's corpses to a stall and unzipped them, selling watches out of them? Unnerving. Especially with Tears For Fears in the background.

JamesTC

Apparently the second episode of the show was a really disturbing one that John Sullivan would never let anybody see. It was called Dead Rodney. Del and Rodders go on a trip to the Algarve but Rodney breaks the window of the plane and gets sucked out. The first half ends with Del and Granddad looking as Rodney's corpse on the ground. A title card says "One Year Later" and Del and Granddad visit Rodney's grave but his corpse is just on top of the grave. Del tells a joke but it isn't audible. The weird thing is that all the graves around the graveyard have the names of guests, writers and main stars along with their birthdates and a date of death. The eerie thing is that all of the dates of death line-up with when all of them have died. There is something odd about all of the dates of death for the ones who haven't died yet... they all have the same date.

Weird that innit? Hopefully it is released on Blu-ray if Only Fools ever gets a release on that.

markburgle

#324
Remember how during the first series the they hadn't got the classic theme tune yet and instead the opening titles were them all standing in a row with shades while Livin La Vida Loca plays. The show was about them all as ageing ex-millionaires, and to try and get back on top they appeared on a gameshow that confusingly hadn't been invented yet. It had no centre and the jokes were awful, but then from series two it became a prequel show set in the 80's, which people liked

The Bumlord

I liked the one where Rodney farted and Mickey Pearce's fucking hat flew off.

JamesTC

Anybody hear the rumour that Granddad died and was replaced by a different character? Sounds like nonsense to me.

Video Game Fan 2000

Quote from: Utterdrivel on June 14, 2021, 12:03:39 AM
I liked the one where Rodney farted and Mickey Pearce's fucking hat flew off.

Fascinating behind the scenes detail: they got this effect with a 12 bore.

frajer

Rodney you corrupted ballbag! The chandelier fell on the Queen and now we're all enemies of the crown!

Bernice

A strange melancholy pervades me to which I hesitate to give the grave and beautiful name of Rodney.