The school where smiling will become compulsory

[Paul Calf]

Terrible, terrible things happen when you just let people go to the toilet.

https://www.vice.com/en/article/vdybgj/deep-inside-the-chain-pub-piss-dungeon

[Key]

'Sorry Dad, it looks like a lifetime of hardship down the Cumbrian coal mines for me, for I have failed all my A-levels'

'Oh Dear me! what a terrible outcome. Did you mess up the exams?'

'No I looked out of the window at a tree'

[Kankurette]

I read the Mumsnet thread on this and apparently there's a school in Sheffield, the Mercia School, where kids have to talk about a certain topic at lunch and they can be punished for not joining in the discussion enough. Eesh.

These schools also don't like SEN kids much and find ways to keep them out. They're very sneaky about it. And I know people will say that Michaela is in a very deprived area with a lot of gang crime, and that the other schools in the area are like the one in Notes on a Scandal, and that the kids need and appreciate the hardcore discipline and it gives them a structure, but Birbalsingh just annoys the fuck out of me.

[Midas]

I remember at my secondary school somebody actually got chastised for smiling too much during a lesson. Everyone thought it was a joke at first but the teacher got increasingly angrier until he was basically just screaming "STOP SMILING FOR GODS SAKE" in an otherwise silent classroom. Those were the days!

[Fambo Number Mive]

I read the Mumsnet thread on this and apparently there's a school in Sheffield, the Mercia School, where kids have to talk about a certain topic at lunch and they can be punished for not joining in the discussion

That sounds dreadful. Some people just find talking in a group awkward, I used to struggle in uni seminars because of this. Also, surely lunch time at school is a time to relax and talk with friends (although I didnt really have many at school) rather than what sounds like an extra lesson with food.

At one school I was at we used to have to show our plates to a teacher to get permission to leave the table, to ensure wed eaten enough of the food.

[dissolute ocelot]

Isn't this just an excuse to allow schools to exclude anyone they don't like or don't want (which in practice, based on exclusion rates, means black and Gypsy/Roma/Traveller). Unless they are seriously going to monitor everyone all day and punish everybody who doesn't smile for a moment, this is going to allow vast amounts of victimisation and selective punishment and bullying.

And businesses are always moaning about staff who can't show initiative. Obviously it's partly the employers' fault. But while some jobs like machinist require robotic behaviour, most jobs from customer service to creative industries require some measure of independent action without being told to do every least thing.

[Milo]

Aye, it's pretty likely that groups of students with favoured characteristics don't get monitored quite as closely as those considered undesirable for whatever reason.

[An tSaoi]

Aside from behavioral mandates not too dissimilar to these, it insisted on things like "your hair must be neat and minimally styled, not touching your collar", or "your trouser legs should be hemmed a minimum of 3 inches above your shoes".

At our school you couldn't have hair shorter than, I cant quite remember, Blade 3 or something like that. The reason being it was too extreme and gave a bad impression of the school. But while they had a rule about how short your hair could be, they had no rule about how long it could be, so you had these groups of slacker/metalhead lads with really long, unkempt (and possibly unwashed) greasy teenage hair. Absolutely scruffy. They looked far less presentable than a kid with a proscribed neat buzzcut. No logic to it at all.

I went to a school with a uniform and it did not reduce bullying, because people would still pick on you for your coat

Our school got around that by simply banning coats and jackets. You had to wear exactly the uniform, no more, no less, at all times. On a very hot day they might allow you to take the jumper off, but that was exceptional. Horrible jumper, all baggy and frayed at the cuffs. To this day I cannot abide to wear a jumper over a shirt. We were always complaining about the lack of jackets. In the end, the school introduced their own (optional) uniform jacket after I left, so it was either the official jacket or nothing. Another pointless waste of money for parents.

I always thought the protestant school had a better uniform, because they had a blazer instead of a jumper. It was basically a little suit, and made them look more grown up. Will from The Inbetweeners got made fun of because of his uniform, but it looked better than what the other characters were wearing.

[JamesTC]

At our school you couldn't have hair shorter than, I cant quite remember, Blade 3 or something like that. The reason being it was too extreme and gave a bad impression of the school. But while they had a rule about how short your hair could be, they had no rule about how long it could be, so you had these groups of slacker/metalhead lads with really long, unkempt (and possibly unwashed) greasy teenage hair. Absolutely scruffy. They looked far less presentable than a kid with a proscribed neat buzzcut. No logic to it at all.

Genuinely thought for a second that you were talking about the film and that teachers had pictures of Wesley Snipes to compare hair length to.

[Cuellar]

If you could grow facial hair and DID at my school you had to shave it off with an old disposable bic razor that had all rust on it. Apart from the Sikh kids.

In many ways this was actually a kindness - teenage boy facial hair isn't a good thing. Did mean the Sikh kids got it in the neck crap-moustache bullying wise, sadly.

[An tSaoi]

Genuinely thought for a second that you were talking about the film and that teachers had pictures of Wesley Snipes to compare hair length to.

Ha brilliant. That's tickled me.

[greencalx]

if you haven't actually experienced a class of year 7s, it's hard to believe the level of toilet requests there are.  In the first few weeks I am lenient about letting them go, figuring that they haven't got the timetable worked out and are still adjusting; it's not unknown to have 75% of the class ask to go during a lesson.

Christ, I can't see how you can do anything useful with people popping in and out all the time. I thought that toilet discipline was quite strict at primary school, but just asked my son (P5) whether the kids can go to the toilet during the lesson or if his teacher makes them hold it in until breaktime (which was How It Was In My Day[nb]And you got the odd kid occasionally piss their pants.[nb]Which reminds me of an anecdote. My teacher sent a classmate to another class to collect the "Music Workshop pamphlets". The child was gone for some time, and when they returned, handed over a pair of knickers with what looked like pictures of musical instruments on them. I think both teachers were very confused.[/nb][/nb]) and he said yes, they're allowed to go when then want. So I asked if that meant if people were coming and going all the time, to which the answer was no. So maybe this is something that gets learnt between primary and high school.

[JesusAndYourBush]

[nb]Which reminds me of an anecdote. My teacher sent a classmate to another class to collect the "Music Workshop pamphlets". The child was gone for some time, and when they returned, handed over a pair of knickers with what looked like pictures of musical instruments on them. I think both teachers were very confused.[/nb]

Bizarre!  I'm assuming they thought 'pamphlets' meant 'knickers'... except where did they obtain them?  Were the pictures of musical instruments printed or did they draw them on themselves?

[greencalx]

I think the child misheard "pamphlets" as "pants". But, yes, the specific nature of the garment that arrived continues to baffle me nearly 40 years later.

ETA: printed on, if I recall. I presume teacher 2 had access to a box of undies for kids who wet themselves, one of which happened to have an appropriate design.

[Buelligan]

Hope this headteacher dies, thanks.

This.  Happily, they will but I hope it's soon.

[drummersaredeaf]

I went to a reasonably good state school and was sent out for a full hour in year 9 for not putting my hand up high enough. Stuck in an office and made to read a dictionary for an hour when my justification of being tired wasn't good enough for him. Three years later the same bloke kicked an entire class of sixth formers out because one didn't laugh at his joke. He came to the common room half an hour later, dragged my mate to the same office and bollocked him for 25 minutes, then shook his hand and sent him on his way.

You'll be unsurprised to hear that he had a heart attack a few years later. Some days he could be a real laugh though. We took to using methods he taught us to map his moods class by class from -10 to +10 but it could swing by ten or more a few times over the course of an hour. A man who was fundamentally incapable of dealing with what was ultimately a group of pretty well behaved kids and created stress for himself that didn't need to exist. He never used to mark work either. Whatever he's doing now, I hope it's not teaching.

[Replies From View]

To protect modesty?
Isn't it pointless if everyone knows the codewords?

So every child will need to have their own personal codeword for shitting, then.

[Buelligan]

I went to a reasonably good state school and was sent out for a full hour in year 9 for not putting my hand up high enough. Stuck in an office and made to read a dictionary for an hour when my justification of being tired wasn't good enough for him. Three years later the same bloke kicked an entire class of sixth formers out because one didn't laugh at his joke. He came to the common room half an hour later, dragged my mate to the same office and bollocked him for 25 minutes, then shook his hand and sent him on his way.

You'll be unsurprised to hear that he had a heart attack a few years later. Some days he could be a real laugh though. We took to using methods he taught us to map his moods class by class from -10 to +10 but it could swing by ten or more a few times over the course of an hour. A man who was fundamentally incapable of dealing with what was ultimately a group of pretty well behaved kids and created stress for himself that didn't need to exist. He never used to mark work either. Whatever he's doing now, I hope it's not teaching.

I went to quite a bad school.  Saw a load of kids converging, filings to a magnet, on the school field once.  Hard arse science teacher marching towards.  Into the scrum.  Disappeared and then, yes, up, up, into the air like a wee dolly.  Best days of our lives.

[bgmnts]

I went to a reasonably good state school and was sent out for a full hour in year 9 for not putting my hand up high enough.

Where were you putting your hand up? :o

[Gurke and Hare]

He never used to mark work either.

I had a physics teacher for the second year of my A levels who never marked a single piece of work. Oh the bright side, he also didn't care whether you turned up for the lessons or not, which was handy when I needed to leave early to get to the FA Cup final replay. Shortly after I'd left he was on the front page of the local paper after being nicked with a prostitute in his car, which I assume was the end of his pedagogical career.

[JesusAndYourBush]

So every child will need to have their own personal codeword for shitting, then.

Surely once you've used your codeword and been given permission to leave the room, the non-sequituryness of what just happened will give away that you just used your codeword.

So when little Ivan puts his hand up and says "Please Sir, in Leningrad the pigeons fly backwards" and then leaves the room, he'll have to come up with a new codeword for next time.  Having to come up with a new codeword every time you have a slash seems an awful lot of trouble!

[Milo]

Each child would need a one-time pad. Not a euphemism.

[Kankurette]

Isn't this just an excuse to allow schools to exclude anyone they don't like or don't want (which in practice, based on exclusion rates, means black and Gypsy/Roma/Traveller). Unless they are seriously going to monitor everyone all day and punish everybody who doesn't smile for a moment, this is going to allow vast amounts of victimisation and selective punishment and bullying.

And businesses are always moaning about staff who can't show initiative. Obviously it's partly the employers' fault. But while some jobs like machinist require robotic behaviour, most jobs from customer service to creative industries require some measure of independent action without being told to do every least thing.

Yep. Like I said, Michaela and other schools like this claim to be inclusive but they shut SEN kids out because they'll bring down the ratings.

Michaela do the 'family lunch' thing as well.

At Michaela, we believe in developing the whole child in addition to their academic skills. Our motto is 'work hard, be kind.' Lunch is the perfect time to teach our children how to be kind and helpful towards each other.

Instead of a  canteen culture where pupils can sometimes leave their trays behind, expecting an anonymous cleaner to clean up after them, at Michaela, pupils not only clean up after themselves, they clean up after each other. They demonstrate kindness and a sense of responsibility.

There are six roles at lunch and six children sit together at a table to eat. One pupil brings the food to the table and serves the other children. Another one pours the water while they all lay the table. Children learn how to lay the table properly. After eating the main course, one pupil clears everyone's plates. Children pass their plates down to the front of the table politely and in an orderly fashion. Another pupil serves the dessert. After eating dessert, the remaining two pupils clear the dessert bowls away, wipe the table and clear the water jugs and cups as this photo demonstrates.

At Michaela, we serve a mixture of vegetarian and fish dishes. Please have a look at a sample 8-week menu here. In addition to lunch, pupils get snack food at morning break.

The photos above were taken at a typical family lunch at Michaela. Teachers eat with the pupils. They play a special role in helping pupils develop the art of conversation at the dinner table. They encourage children to speak in full sentences and they ask them about what they have been learning in lessons that morning. Lunch provides a wonderful opportunity to review the adventures of Odysseus or the properties of a cell membrane.

Children learn the soft skills of conversation and good table manners when eating at Michaela.

I'm all for helping clean up and not making a mess but fucking hell, not being able to eat lunch without a teacher making you talk about work sounds a bit much.

ETA: I'm reading a Mumsnet thread about Michaela and one of the first comments is 'how will it teach them resilience?' Fucking HELL.

[rectorofstiffkey]

Christ, I can't see how you can do anything useful with people popping in and out all the time. I thought that toilet discipline was quite strict at primary school, but just asked my son (P5) whether the kids can go to the toilet during the lesson or if his teacher makes them hold it in until breaktime (which was How It Was In My Day[nb]And you got the odd kid occasionally piss their pants.[nb]Which reminds me of an anecdote. My teacher sent a classmate to another class to collect the "Music Workshop pamphlets". The child was gone for some time, and when they returned, handed over a pair of knickers with what looked like pictures of musical instruments on them. I think both teachers were very confused.[/nb][/nb]) and he said yes, they're allowed to go when then want. So I asked if that meant if people were coming and going all the time, to which the answer was no. So maybe this is something that gets learnt between primary and high school.

the toilets in primary are usually really close to the classsroom (don't know if it's still the same but when I was at primary, each classroom had toilets right by it) so it's no big deal to let them go.  I think that at secondary, the lessons are far more full-on than at primary; also the days are longer, kids may have had to get up early to get buses, it's a much bigger school where the eldest pupils are actually adults, which must be a shock to the system for children who were at school with five year olds just a few months before.  They're probably tireder and leaving the room for a break must seem really attractive, hence the constant requests, which is why we put a gentle stop to it.

[Midas]

Instead of a canteen culture where pupils can sometimes leave their trays behind, expecting a disgusting prole an anonymous cleaner to clean up after them, at Michaela, pupils not only clean up after themselves, they clean up after each other. They demonstrate subservience kindness and a sense of responsibility.

A sense of responsibility to whom? Each other or a big Other?

There are six roles at lunch and six children sit together at a table to eat. One pupil brings the food to the table and serves the other children. Another one pours the water while they all lay the table. Children learn how to lay the table properly. After eating the main course, one pupil clears everyone's plates. Children pass their plates down to the front of the table politely and in an orderly fashion. Another pupil serves the dessert. After eating dessert, the remaining two pupils clear the dessert bowls away, wipe the table and clear the water jugs and cups...

Degenerates, all of them.

Teachers eat with the pupils. They play a "special role" in helping pupils develop the art of conversation at the dinner table. They encourage children to speak in full sentences and they ask them about what they have been learning in lessons that morning.

People speak in a series of utterances, not full sentences tho

Children learn the soft skills of conversation and good table manners when eating at Michaela.

It's just every thick toff's gammonesque lamentations, isn't it? "Kids these days are messy", "they have no table manners", "they don't talk properly", etc. Get in mass grave machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts!

[imitationleather]

Christ being a kid is shit, isn't it?

[Blumf]

Christ being a kid is shit, isn't it?

It's okay, they always can look forward to growing up into an environmental waste land and endless resource wars

[idunnosomename]

jumpers for fracking well trials

[Kankurette]

What happens to the pupils of these super regimented schools when they go out into the big bad world?

[EOLAN]

Sounds like that school is just making the students do all the canteen work to save money on employees.