Jess Conrad, a veritable fountain of crap songs

[Kankurette]

I found an album on Spotify, via my mum, called The World's Worst Record Show, which is a compilation of songs from a series of radio shows from the '70s hosted by Kenny Everett. One of the repeat offenders on it is Jess Conrad. His bio:

Conrad was born in Brixton, South London and started his career as a repertory actor and film extra, Conrad was cast in a television play Bye, Bye Barney as a pop singer. He was noticed by Jack Good who included him in his TV series Oh Boy!, and then was signed to Decca Records and had a number of chart hits, including "Cherry Pie", "This Pullover", "Mystery Girl" and "Pretty Jenny"; also recording for Columbia, Pye President and EMI.

Between the late 1950s and mid-1960s, Conrad appeared in a number of films such as Serious Charge (uncredited), The Boys, Rag Doll, (filmed in 1960, and released in 1961); K.I.L. 1 and Konga as well as Michael Powell's The Queen's Guards. Conrad played Danny Pace in an episode of The Human Jungle called "The Flip Side Man" in 1963.

On the 8th. of October, 1964, he was, according to Shutterstock, Best Man at Brian Weske 's wedding .

During the 1970s, he spent some time in the stage shows Godspell and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and also featured in a cameo role in the Sex Pistols film The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle. In 1977 no fewer than seven of Conrad's singles were included in the 'World's Worst Record' list, chosen by listeners to Capital FM DJ Kenny Everett's show, and "This Pullover", voted sixth worst song ever, later featured on The World's Worst Record Show, a 1978 LP dedicated to the songs voted for, together with two other Conrad recordings "Cherry Pie" and "Why Am I Living?" He also made an appearance in Are You Being Served as Mr Walpole, head of sporting equipment, in the episode "Memories Are Made Of This".

Conrad also appeared in the 1984 TV series of Miss Marple, in the episode entitled The Body in the Library as Raymond Starr. He also starred in the 1993 film The Punk and the Princess.

In the 1990s, Conrad made regular cameo appearances on Jim Davidson's revived version of The Generation Game on BBC1. Also in 1992 Conrad appeared in the Christmas Special of Big Break, also presented by Davidson and John Virgo. He was the "booby" prize of the show presented to Hi-de-Hi! actress Ruth Madoc. Contestants who failed to make the final of Big Break were often nearly given a box set of Conrad's hit singles.

Since then, Conrad has appeared in a number of documentaries and television programmes, often offering stories of violent encounters with other famous people. In a BBC Arena documentary about the record producer Joe Meek, Conrad boasted of biting off part of the nose of the singer Heinz during a confrontation backstage at a package show in the early 1960s. Similarly, in Sex, Secrets & Frankie Howerd, he told of threatening to cut off comedian Frankie Howerd's ears when Howerd made undesired sexual advances to him in a dressing room. in 2005 he had a guest role in Last of the Summer Wine, series 26 episode 5.

In the 2009 film Telstar: The Joe Meek Story, Conrad is played by Nigel Harman. Conrad himself appears in one scene, depicting his backstage fight with Heinz and his biting of Heinz's nose. Conrad also plays the role of Larry Parnes in the film.

Conrad's greatest hits include:
- Why Am I Living?
- Cherry Pie
- This Pullover
- Mystery Girl
- The Big White House
- An Angel Cries

For some reason, I'm Going to Spain by Steve Bent isn't on the Spotify album. I only mention this because The Fall covered it.

[dr beat]

The nadir/zenith of his musical career though *has* to be his magnum opus 'Soccer Superstar':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_urjNkxaLz0

[dr beat]

Calling daf and Ballad of Ballard Berkeley to the thread please.

[Gradual Decline]

The nadir/zenith of his musical career though *has* to be his magnum opus 'Soccer Superstar':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_urjNkxaLz0

It's no 'Black Stockings' - http://www.wfmu.org/365/2007/182.shtml

[DrGreggles]

The nadir/zenith of his musical career though *has* to be his magnum opus 'Soccer Superstar':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_urjNkxaLz0

Whenever these 'worst ever' threads appear on CaB, this song is what immediately springs to mind.

Not just worst songs threads either - worst things generally.

[dr beat]

I chose the dichotomy nadir/zenith carefully, as over the years I've found Soccer Superstar worryingly comforting. Like that pain you get when picking your fingernails.

[daf]

Calling daf and Ballad of Ballard Berkeley to the thread please.

Jess Conrad - Lock Up Your Daughters



Released as the B-side to 'Save It For A Rainy Day' in September 1977 -  did not chart

   

[dr beat]

Thank you sir! The Hollywood Rock Machine is quite the name.

[PlanktonSideburns]

The nadir/zenith of his musical career though *has* to be his magnum opus 'Soccer Superstar':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_urjNkxaLz0

Love this so much

[daf]

Passing . . kicking . .
Shooting . . dribbling . .
Boozing . . pissing  . . .

. . . and baaall control.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I chose the dichotomy nadir/zenith carefully, as over the years I've found Soccer Superstar worryingly comforting. Like that pain you get when picking your fingernails.

I think of it as the soundtrack to a yacht being carefully parked in Monaco

[Kankurette]

wo da da yip yip
wo da da shang ding
doo la la chang ding shoo laaaaa

[Mr Banlon]

The British Frank Sinatra.
Not musically. But he could have your legs broken.

[dr beat]

Is this an excuse for one of those threads!? Hell yes of course darlings!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2WNn4VG_Cw

[dr beat]

And if we're doing this, quite literally a new entry ;)[nb]Seriously - fucken tune[/nb]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub1QSoHI9hI&list=RDMM&start_radio=1&rv=B2WNn4VG_Cw

[dr beat]

OMG Its the whole F**ken album:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTFE07xTX9g

[buzby]

The British Frank Sinatra.
Not musically. But he could have your legs broken.

Particularly if his (allegded) connection to the the E** G**** H**** was brought up, I'd imagine. I'm sure him being a freemason is no coincidence either.

[PeterCornelius]

Really? He was on that list?

[George White]

Have recently rediscovered World's Worst Record Show, which I've been obsessed since I was 15.
Found this online, whioch Everett played.
A bloke from Leeds foundby Roger Cook, Roger Greenaway and Tony Macaulay who paired him with some other bloke - and turned them into a faux-family, faux-American teen idol act. youtube.com/watch?v=vR9y9RfFchE
Like a 70s exploitation car-chase film, the kind of thing that'd star Jan-Michael Vincent or Ron Howard, in three dreadfully glorious minutes.

INcidentally via the website that chronicles the list of E** G**** H****
Have learnt that Gareth Hunt, Dick Emery, Sellers, Tommy Cooper, Jim Davidson, Beadle, Monkhouse and Bernard Bresslaw were freemasons.

[H-O-W-L]

Ahhh fucking hell this is reminding me of a UK comedian who released a single/album in the eighties that was absolutely abysmal. It had 'party' in the title. Can't fucking remember.

[Barry Admin]

Ahhh fucking hell this is reminding me of a UK comedian who released a single/album in the eighties that was absolutely abysmal. It had 'party' in the title. Can't fucking remember.

Russ Abbott, Atmosphere.

[H-O-W-L]

Russ Abbott, Atmosphere.

That's it. Fucking dreadful.

[DrGreggles]

The follow up was somehow even worse:
https://youtu.be/ps3D4AiKNB8

[Egyptian Feast]

The follow up was somehow even worse:
https://youtu.be/ps3D4AiKNB8

One of the first singles I ever (had) bought (for me), because I thought the front cover was funny. I was only (2)6, to be fair.

[Mr Banlon]

Have recently rediscovered World's Worst Record Show, which I've been obsessed since I was 15.
Found this online, whioch Everett played.
A bloke from Leeds foundby Roger Cook, Roger Greenaway and Tony Macaulay who paired him with some other bloke - and turned them into a faux-family, faux-American teen idol act. youtube.com/watch?v=vR9y9RfFchE
Like a 70s exploitation car-chase film, the kind of thing that'd star Jan-Michael Vincent or Ron Howard, in three dreadfully glorious minutes.

INcidentally via the website that chronicles the list of E** G**** H****
Have learnt that Gareth Hunt, Dick Emery, Sellers, Tommy Cooper, Jim Davidson, Beadle, Monkhouse and Bernard Bresslaw were freemasons.

A lot of the King Rats of the Grand Order of Water Rats have also been freemasons.

[bgmnts]

I actually love that Soccer Superstar track.

[George White]

I always remember the liner notes refer to his cosinger as "Africa's Tanya Tenola".

[DrGreggles]

I actually love that Soccer Superstar track.

So do I.

But it doesn't make it good.

[steveh]

His Twitter feed is a wonderful source of celebrity photos. Where else would Cherie Blair, Anita Harris and Jess Conrad be found together.

Also:

Great news. I've just been cast in a major Hollywood movie 'Wake Up to Love' as the president of the USA. So, I've starred as Jesus, Joseph, Batman, Pip in Great Expectations and of course Prince Charming more than any other actor. I guess playing the US president was inevitable!

[George White]

Apparently, he was playing Adam West in one of those Channel 5 "last hours of ____" dramatisations.
No, really.