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March 28, 2024, 12:37:45 PM

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FIRED!

Started by Lemming, July 13, 2021, 03:57:21 PM

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Lemming

After the longest period of unemployment I've ever had, I got a job last week! No small achievement in today's fuckadelic job market.

Started yesterday!

Told not to bother coming back today!

Make me feel better by telling me about your fastest/funniest firings. Can anyone beat my speedrun record of 1.5 days of employment before being dismissed?


Shit Good Nose

Are you at least going to tell us why you were dismissed?  Or does the pending court case prevent you from talking about it?

Blumf

Did you at least get to keep the rainbow coloured dildo monkey suit?

Butchers Blind


Pranet

Fucking hell, that is shit.

Hope you are holding up ok. Should you need an ego boost, I've really been enjoying your Star Trek thread. Not much of a help I know.

Lemming

Mine isn't too funny or amusing, just a fairly mundane get-fired-for-being-shit scenario. It was a cleaning job for a very small company that had just started up, literally just the owner and two employees other than me.

Started off strong by going to the wrong place at the wrong time, which was entirely my own fault. Eventually met with my boss, who seemed (not unreasonably) pissed off with me already. It was time for ON-THE-JOB TRAINING, which basically meant I fucked everything sideways in this strange concrete building which the company had been contracted to clean. Nearly killed her twice by almost dropping a stepladder on her head, and knocking the BLEACH BUCKET over and spilling its contents all over the fucking place. All the "YOU'RE FUCKED" signs were there towards the end of the first day when she started making comments along the lines of "are you sure this is the job for you", but I came back today anyway.

Arrived late again (NOT my fault this time!!!), basically did the same thing again. Four hour shift, and just over halfway through I'd barely made any progress despite her best efforts to teach me how to do all the fancy cleaning maneuvers. She told me apologetically and politely to fuck off ("you may not be a good fit for this role" etc). She also sealed my fate by asking me if I'd lied on the application, which I had to admit that I essentially had - I claimed to have over two years of cleaning experience, when all I'd really done was occasionally sweep the floor at the supermarket where I used to work, rather than the "DEEP CLEANING"/janitorial experience that she was obviously getting at.

So basically, 100% my fault, and a Deserved Firing.

Quote from: Blumf on July 13, 2021, 04:02:42 PM
Did you at least get to keep the rainbow coloured dildo monkey suit?

It's been taken as "evidence", but I get it back after the trial.

Quote from: Pranet on July 13, 2021, 04:09:04 PM
Hope you are holding up ok. Should you need an ego boost, I've really been enjoying your Star Trek thread. Not much of a help I know.

Thanks! I attribute the total failure of my employment directly to my Star Trek thread. So busy thinking about Riker that I couldn't focus on the job at all.

ASFTSN

IMPRESSIVE (please read this in the Quake 3 announcer voice, cheers)

(Also sorry to hear that)

Quote from: Lemming on July 13, 2021, 04:19:52 PM
It was time for ON-THE-JOB TRAINING, which basically meant I fucked everything sideways in this strange concrete building which the company had been contracted to clean. Nearly killed her twice by almost dropping a stepladder on her head, and knocking the BLEACH BUCKET over and spilling its contents all over the fucking place.

On a positive note, you'll be first on the list when they're casting for the Norman Wisdom biopic.

Lemming

It's just a shame I've already been typecast as Frank Spencer!

Cloud

Ahh fuck, well at least you tried!  Hope you find a more suitable job soon!

I'm still employed and apparently it's to stay that way (time freed up for other stuff) but our new boss doesn't really mince his words that he thinks our IT department is complete and utter shit and that my web design efforts aren't far behind.  So both have been outsourced.  But while keeping me and the other IT guy on.  For now.

Uncle TechTip

It sounds a scream. Please tell me you stood in the bucket on day 2 and flailed around the place shaking your leg to get it off. Before backing into a metal shelving unit and sending it crashing to the ground.

Goldentony

how did you shit up cleaning, is it proper university knobhead cleaning with steam and all sorts? surely she'd be made up with bleach everywhere too, fucking clean the lot, clean between floors

PlanktonSideburns


pigamus

I was fired from potwash once, I was useless

Lemming

Quote from: Uncle TechTip on July 13, 2021, 04:29:34 PM
It sounds a scream. Please tell me you stood in the bucket on day 2 and flailed around the place shaking your leg to get it off. Before backing into a metal shelving unit and sending it crashing to the ground.

Sadly no. Nearly went flying on the stairs though, since I'd stood in a fuckup-induced puddle and my shoes were covered in soapy water which gave no purchase on the concrete. Expertly righted myself in under one second.

Quote from: Goldentony on July 13, 2021, 04:29:45 PM
how did you shit up cleaning, is it proper university knobhead cleaning with steam and all sorts? surely she'd be made up with bleach everywhere too, fucking clean the lot, clean between floors

There was one of those Steam Bastards that you use on the ceilings and walls, and even a pressure washer, but I didn't get that far. It's a shame because I was really looking forward to having a go with the pressure washer, just absolutely fucking blasting shit.

Goldentony

pressure washers are the one mate, imagine it for a second blasting your name into years of shit caked onto a smoking area floor, ive done it and ive been to the top, ive been way back down again too

Quote from: Lemming on July 13, 2021, 04:35:33 PM
I was really looking forward to having a go with the pressure washer, just absolutely fucking blasting shit.

You could barely handle a bucket, mate. You might have died.

vanilla.coffee


Pancake

Without wanting to sound unsympathetic are you always this feckless or was it just a series of very unfortunate events outside of your control?

Fambo Number Mive

Sorry to hear this. It's always horrible when something like this happens, but it sounds like the role was a really bad fit for you, so I doubt there was much you could have done. At least you know now cleaning roles aren't for you. Would you consider volunteering one day/half a day a week at a local charity to gain some skills and/or have something on your CV?

It was brave of you to go in the second day and keep trying, you should be proud of that (I don't mean that in a patronising way, I'm someone who gives up too easily so I'm impressed you went back and gave it another go. I'm sure your boss felt you had given it a good try as well.

Sounds a somewhat dangerous job for you (no offence) as well so maybe it was best it wasn't for you. Imagine if you'd keep going in the job and knocked a stepladder over so it fell on your head or something.

You never know, it might inspire some creative thoughts later on, e.g. if you were writing a novel.

Paul Calf

Quote from: Cloud on July 13, 2021, 04:28:39 PM
Ahh fuck, well at least you tried!  Hope you find a more suitable job soon!

I'm still employed and apparently it's to stay that way (time freed up for other stuff) but our new boss doesn't really mince his words that he thinks our IT department is complete and utter shit and that my web design efforts aren't far behind.  So both have been outsourced.  But while keeping me and the other IT guy on.  For now.

Do you work for Reynholm Industries? Has the Chief Exec of your company died recently?

Don't worry. Matt Berry will be along soon.

bgmnts

I've never been sacked within a day but I did get sacked jus5 before Christmas once. It was quite nice because I could enjoy christmas without the dread of going back into a shit office.

I haven't had paid work in over two years though so don't feel too bad.

Lemming

Quote from: Huxleys Babkins on July 13, 2021, 04:38:51 PM
You could barely handle a bucket, mate. You might have died.

Glorious death, though. 100% cleaning efficiency, going so far as to clean myself off this bastard earth. Dedication to the job.

Quote from: Pancake on July 13, 2021, 04:40:14 PM
Without wanting to sound unsympathetic are you always this feckless or was it just a series of very unfortunate events outside of your control?
You came very close to sounding unsympathetic there.

DrGreggles

Sorry to hear that, Lemming.

I don't have a very funny firing story - more a case of a company trying to be a cunt.
About 15 years ago I took on a 12 month contract with a relatively new company. There was an IT project that needed running from scratch, so I was brought in to manage the whole thing, including costs, timeframes and the number of staff required to complete it.
As always with these things, I offered up 3 scenarios for them to choose from (as they'd not been very forthcoming with some of the details). They essentially wanted the fewest people working on it, but with the earliest completion time and at the lowest cost. I pointed out to them that it wasn't a mix & match deal; the number of staff was integral to how quickly it could be completed, and that would also mean that costs would be high.
They rejected all 3 scenarios, so I asked them to give me specifics that I could use to come up with a new plan and they gave me numbers and dates that just weren't feasible and the plans I'd already given them were the best they could get.
That night I received an email from them telling me that the project was being cancelled and that my services were no longer required. They tried to offer me 2 weeks pay to cover the remaining 10 months, but I went all "no no no, contract, etc" and it all got a bit nasty. Tribunal/pay out/NDA/all good fun in the end.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Lemming on July 13, 2021, 04:19:52 PMNearly killed her twice by almost dropping a stepladder on her head, and knocking the BLEACH BUCKET over and spilling its contents all over the fucking place.

No offence but if she hadn't fired you when she did she might have been breaking a load of health and safety codes because you sound like an imminent physical danger to others.

We did a thread about leaving your job very quickly a few weeks ago so uptake might be less on here as a result. Fair play though, fired from a cleaning job on the first day, that's an achievement.

Cloud

Quote from: Paul Calf on July 13, 2021, 04:42:19 PM
Do you work for Reynholm Industries? Has the Chief Exec of your company died recently?

Don't worry. Matt Berry will be along soon.

FATHERRRRRR!

IT Crowd always reminded me very very well of our place actually.  We're not in a basement but there's a marked difference between how well everywhere else is decorated, and the shithole that is the IT office... and yes, to be fair, "turn it off and on again" resolves 90% of problems.

Quote from: Pancake on July 13, 2021, 04:40:14 PMWithout wanting to sound unsympathetic are you always this feckless

That's why he was fired from his job as a father Jack Hackett impersonator!

Innit?

Ferris

I was sacked from a job in a shop after a week. Well, I told them I wasn't coming back and they said good because we were about to ask you not to. Not sure if that counts but it was total dog dirt.

Goldentony

Quote from: FerriswheelBueller on July 13, 2021, 05:03:53 PM
I was sacked from a job in a shop after a week. Well, I told them I wasn't coming back and they said good because we were about to ask you not to. Not sure if that counts but it was total dog dirt.

what the fuck did you do?????????