Author Topic: Driving Tips  (Read 1673 times)

Dr Rock

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Driving Tips
« on: July 22, 2021, 11:20:15 AM »
Motorists, or those who reckon they could learn to drive easily cos its a piece of piss, share your driving tips here!

1. Box Junctions - you may only enter a box junction if you are waiting to turn left, or you can get across it without stopping. Frankly they are a pain in the arse, so try to plan all journeys so you never have to deal with them.

2. Zebra crossings - if someone is waiting to cross, you MUST stop. Or drive straight across with a kinda 'whoops!' look on your face.

3. The middle lane on the motorway is the best one, try to stay in it as much as possible.

4. Road Rage - If some cunt cuts you up, put your foot down and catch him - or her - at the lights. If the driver turns out to be bigger than you, you MUST NOT back down.

5. If you see an enemy ahead, a good tip is to open the door on his side so it smacks into him.

6. Never go to Halfords. They will rip you off.

imitationleather

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2021, 11:23:02 AM »
Driving can be stressful so have a couple of cans beforehand to calm you down.

idunnosomename

  • FROG ON THE BIG WHEEL
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2021, 11:24:39 AM »
The one thing you shouldn't do while driving a car is mime driving a car.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2021, 11:26:27 AM »
left turn backed up at a roundabout? use the right lane to go all the way around and then turn left.

Johnny Yesno

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2021, 11:27:20 AM »
Driving can be stressful so have a couple of cans beforehand to calm you down.

But don't drink and drive - you'll spill it.

Buelligan

  • STOP being afraid
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2021, 11:32:27 AM »
Driving can be stressful so have a couple of cans beforehand to calm you down.

Heheh.  I was picked up in his great big car, once by a man who wanted me to clean his great big house, the house is located up many miles of dirt mountain road, with precipices and gorges on every side.  You look out of the window at the edge and don't see the edge, you see air, hundreds and hundreds of metres of air and then, tiny, right at the bottom, rocks poking out of trees.

It was about a quarter to nine in the am.  He stank of alcohol and was literally driving one-handed with a can of Special Brew in the other, when he finished one, he popped another. 

This is how to drive off-road in the mountains.

touchingcloth

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2021, 02:08:24 PM »
Bicycles are irritating - drive as such.

Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2021, 02:49:32 PM »
Drive a really big car, then you will be safe, and that's all that matters.

Catalogue of ills

  • Yeeaah, that's right!
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2021, 03:24:08 PM »
If you are a man, and if your car is a bit shit (which it is, be honest), when a man in a nice car overtakes you make sure you race to catch up with it and overtake it even though you are only in a 30 zone. This is the only 100% guaranteed method of preventing erectile dysfunction.

Dr Rock

  • The BEST of luck!
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2021, 03:31:32 PM »
52. If you're bored on a long drive, close your eyes and see how long you can keep them closed  - it's a lot of fun.

Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2021, 03:34:42 PM »
Don't be afraid to break the speed limit if you need to get somewhere quickly.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #11 on: July 22, 2021, 03:39:18 PM »
If you are a man, and if your car is a bit shit (which it is, be honest), when a man in a nice car overtakes you make sure you race to catch up with it and overtake it even though you are only in a 30 zone. This is the only 100% guaranteed method of preventing erectile dysfunction.

Used to have a battered faded astra and it genuinely did sometimes seem to upset some people if I overtook some middle-lane hogs.

Also got a proper death stare once for inside-passing a car that was in the middle lane of an empty motorway, empty enough that I hadn't seen another car for ages, as if I was going to bother jumping through 2 lanes just to come back for someone who was the problem in the first place.

idunnosomename

  • FROG ON THE BIG WHEEL
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2021, 03:39:38 PM »
On the M1, sections are a "smart motorway" which means the hard shoulder is now a special undertaking lane for important people in a hurry.

On the M25, drive like a cunt.

On the M6, there's a special section where you can pay the best part of seven pounds to experience the historical experience of a motorway in the 1960s.

On the M62, if you run out of petrol, remember there's a farmer who lives in the middle and will be delighted to see you.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #13 on: July 22, 2021, 03:41:22 PM »
On the M6, there's a special section where you can pay the best part of seven pounds to experience the historical experience of a motorway in the 1960s.


Never really saw the point of that. Unless there's a jam the M6 seemed to move pretty quick. When I used to drive from Brum-Aberdeen the inside lane would naturally do about 80 if there weren't any lorries about.

The only people I know that used it boasted about how quick they went on it because it was clear. Which sounds like a bit of a stupid thing to do on a toll road given presumably there's and entry, exit and known length.

idunnosomename

  • FROG ON THE BIG WHEEL
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #14 on: July 22, 2021, 03:46:14 PM »
oh it's fucking pointless, because it's the same length unless there's a serious jam it's the same journey time. they always put "M6 TOLL CLEAR" to try and get you to go on it and there is generally no fucker on it. I've only been on it on expenses.

Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #15 on: July 22, 2021, 03:50:35 PM »
On the M6, there's a special section where you can pay the best part of seven pounds to experience the historical experience of a motorway in the 1960s.

You can get the same experience for free by taking the M50. Lovely stretch of motorway!

Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2021, 03:51:21 PM »
If offered, take the points not the safety awareness training - you do not want to spend a day listening to other road users.

If it fits at 10mph then it'll fit at 90mph, a chestnut recommended by all friends and family but, strangely, not by professional instructors..

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2021, 03:55:08 PM »
I've only been on it on expenses.

Yeah the aforementioned people I think were expensing it for work as well.

It seems road building to ease congestion is a complete fallacy anyway. I thought in some cases, such as the Haudagain roundabout in Aberdeen a snip route kind of made sense since all traffic on the A96 going to Inverness and all traffic going to Dundee on the A92 meets in an urban roundabout serving local routes, it makes sense to divert the traffic around it, but apparently usage just swells to counteract it.




Blumf

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2021, 04:13:30 PM »
Never really saw the point of that. Unless there's a jam the M6 seemed to move pretty quick. When I used to drive from Brum-Aberdeen the inside lane would naturally do about 80 if there weren't any lorries about.

The only people I know that used it boasted about how quick they went on it because it was clear. Which sounds like a bit of a stupid thing to do on a toll road given presumably there's and entry, exit and known length.

A bit further down the M6 you can move onto the M69, which is usually pretty empty, and save yourself 7 quid! Plus, you know, 69.

On the down side, you end up at Leicester.

Endicott

  • I've done no research
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2021, 04:13:51 PM »
If it fits at 10mph then it'll fit at 90mph, a chestnut recommended by all friends and family but, strangely, not by professional instructors..

Of course, the chestnut doesn't take into account Special Relativity.



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Bizarrely google's top three hits for this are:

Highway code - great tips

RAC - stuffy tips

AA - prole tips

Wonderful Butternut

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2021, 04:19:26 PM »
Speed limits are advisory. They were concocted with the braking distance of a 1959 Ford Anglia in mind. Technology has advanced loads in the 60 years since and modern cars stop much better now, so you can go much faster. That's what Jeremy Clarkson says and he's a Doctor of Engineering. Twice.

Wait, what's that about human reactions not improving since 1959?

greencalx

  • Never knowingly knowledgeable
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2021, 04:21:06 PM »
Pedestrians aren’t interested in knowing if you’re about to turn into the road they’re wanting to cross, so no need to indicate for them.

turnstyle

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2021, 04:23:02 PM »
A child car seat can save your child's life, but ask yourself seriously - do you want to save it?

A question parents rarely stop to think about.

metaltax

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2021, 04:23:24 PM »
Don't bother with indicators. Nobody else needs to know what you're doing and you'll only wear out the bulbs faster.

« Last Edit: July 22, 2021, 04:51:57 PM by popcorn »

Dr Rock

  • The BEST of luck!
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2021, 04:24:59 PM »
When passing a cyclist, be sure not to give them a wide berth - they may take offence, guessing you don't like them, or think they are smelly. Instead pass close enough so that if possible you can reach out and give them a friendly pat them on the back, or honk your horn repeatedly, as if to say 'alright mate? Nice to see you!'

kalowski

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2021, 04:25:41 PM »
Driving can be stressful so have a couple of cans beforehand to calm you down.
When I was 16 I had a summer job in a building site in Speke. Either an electrician or a joiner would pick me and two other lads up each day.
On the motorway home to Stockport on a Friday the joiner always had a cheeky can of beer or two as he drove. I think I looked like Woody Allen when Christopher Walken is driving in Annie Hall.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2021, 04:28:42 PM »
I cannot drive, but one thing I have noticed is that people not only use their horns to alert other drivers but to say hello to people they know they've seen walking past, which can be somewhat confusing when you are also nearby and hear a car honking for no reason. Sometimes they also use their horns to draw attention to themselves, to tell off other drivers or for a totally random reason. People certainly get use out of their horns.

Fambo Number Mive

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Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2021, 04:29:22 PM »
Don't bother with indicators. Nobody else needs to know what you're doing and you'll only wear out the bulbs faster.

This advice is well headed by drivers in Oxfordshire. They are very careful with their bulbs.

Sebastian Cobb

  • bad opinion haver
Re: Driving Tips
« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2021, 04:31:19 PM »
A bit further down the M6 you can move onto the M69, which is usually pretty empty, and save yourself 7 quid! Plus, you know, 69.

On the down side, you end up at Leicester.

Fuck that. One of the best parts about driving from Brum to Aberdeen was although the road changed from M6 to M74 to A90 it was basically just one big straight line and you didn't have to think about it at all. Didn't even need to pull out the motoring atlas.

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