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Post Jokes From All Over The World

Started by MortSahlFan, July 25, 2021, 11:10:38 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

MortSahlFan

Old jokes, new jokes... Not only for the laughs, but I think you can learn a lot from humor, especially with a date to correspond with the events of the time.

I was just talking to a friend about jokes from all over, and he told me one that was excellent.


Here's an Iraqi joke from not too long ago:
Saddam Hussein goes on a hunting trip with his Vice-President Tariq Aziz and Secretary General Izzat al-Douri... Aziz takes his rifle, points to the sky, and shoots the bird, and down he goes. Al-Douri takes his rifle, points to the sky, shoots the bird, and down he goes.. Saddam takes his rifle, aims at a bird, and misses. He tries to shoot the same bird again, but misses again. Now the other guys are nervous. Saddam takes his third shot at the same bird, aims, but misses.

Tariq Aziz replies, "I can't believe that bird is still flying after being shot THREE times!"


Here's another modern joke, this time from Russia...
"A young soldier is asked: 'If you see twenty combat soldiers, what would you do?'"
"'I would take an AK47 and shoot them.' 'Good.' 'What if a tank was coming at you?' 'I would take a rocket launcher and defend myself,'" the general continues.
"'And what if you see planes, tanks and combat soldiers together?' He replies: 'General, am I the only one in this army?'"

Mobius

I don't mean to be rude but both of these are shit.

idunnosomename

i liked the first one I may use it sometime but without Saddam Hussein in it

MortSahlFan

I'm sure a lot of these jokes have been transferred to other countries with different names.

jfjnpxmy

Tu connais l'histoire de Paf le chien?
C'est l'historie d'un chien qui traverse la rue. Une voiture arrive, et paf! le chien.

Norton Canes

Bloke goes into a sandwich shop in Tehran and asks for sandwich in Farsi

"Would you like it wrapped?" asks the shop keeper in Farsi

"No thanks" replies the bloke in Farsi, "I'm turning left"

Norton Canes


JaDanketies

A plane crashes on a desert island. There are only a few survivors: three Spanish people, three French people and an Englishman. Six months later: one of the Spanish men has killed the other and is now living with the Spanish woman, the three French people have decided to become a threesome and the Englishman is still waiting to be introduced to the others.

checkoutgirl

Good one danketies.

I have a vague memory of a Japanese joke.

Why is your nose funny?
Because it's in the centre of your face.


It loses something, if not everything in translation I must admit.


checkoutgirl

Another Japanese one from the Guardian.

What do pandas eat?
Bread.

I think bread in Japanese is pan da.

Nobody said the jokes had to be funny.

madhair60

I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my kefta mkaouara was gone.

Mr Banlon

The french fella I used to work with told jokes about Belgians and Italians.
The Belgian jokes were about them being really thick, and the Italian jokes were about them all being junkies/thieves. Basically the same as the Irish and Scouser jokes told in England in the 70s and 80s.

MojoJojo

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Yerevan_jokes

Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the USSR, just like in the USA?
A: Yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Ronald Reagan," and you will not be punished. Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Ronald Reagan," and you will not be punished.

Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the US and USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech.
A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

DrGreggles


Lisa Jesusandmarychain

Quote from: checkoutgirl on July 26, 2021, 02:34:29 PM
Another Japanese one from the Guardian.

What do pandas eat?
Bread.

I think bread in Japanese is pan da.

Nobody said the jokes had to be funny.

Japanese people are amused by panda cannibalism?

Kankurette

Quote from: Mr Banlon on July 26, 2021, 03:30:38 PM
The french fella I used to work with told jokes about Belgians and Italians.
The Belgian jokes were about them being really thick, and the Italian jokes were about them all being junkies/thieves. Basically the same as the Irish and Scouser jokes told in England in the 70s and 80s.
Don't the Swedes do the same with the Finns?

A German World Cup joke about Luis Suarez from 2014: gelbe Karte, rote Karte, Speisekarte.

Bad Ambassador

Quote from: Kankurette on July 27, 2021, 02:23:57 AM
Don't the Swedes do the same with the Finns?

A German World Cup joke about Luis Suarez from 2014: gelbe Karte, rote Karte, Speisekarte.

Nice.

gilbertharding

Nice to see Tariq Aziz get a mention in the OP. Been ages since I've thought about this joke which I always enjoy:

"When does Saddam Hussein have his tea?"

"When Tariq has his."

jobotic

"Where does Saddam Hussein keep his magazines?"

"In Iraq"

MortSahlFan

There was a Chinese comic in the 80s who moved to the US and had a great joke.

"Capitalism is the system where man exploits man. Communism is the opposite".

JesusAndYourBush

Quote from: gilbertharding on July 27, 2021, 11:31:11 AM
Nice to see Tariq Aziz get a mention in the OP. Been ages since I've thought about this joke which I always enjoy:

"When does Saddam Hussein have his tea?"

"When Tariq has his."

I remember a similar joke circa 1980/81...

"When does Judith Stamper have her tea?"
"When Khalid Aziz."
(He was a presenter of "Look North" from 1977-1981.)

Echo Valley 2-6809

Post Joke from France.

Zut alors! Pourquoi would Andrew Lawrence make a terrible postman?

Spoiler alert
Because his delivery is shit.
[close]

SpiderChrist

Quote from: Kankurette on July 27, 2021, 02:23:57 AM
Don't the Swedes do the same with the Finns?

A German World Cup joke about Luis Suarez from 2014: gelbe Karte, rote Karte, Speisekarte.

I had a Finnish girlfriend who enjoyed telling me Laplander jokes.

gilbertharding

I heard one ages ago about life in a totalitarian surveillance state (probably the USSR or DDR) where a foreigner asks the citizen thinks about the regime.

There's a load of shaggy dog about the elaborate steps the citizen takes to avoid being overheard - they take several trains, and taxis, into the middle of a park - where the citizen whispers to the foreigner, "I think it's alright."

Bernice

Um peixe diz ao outro:
- Que faz seu pai?
E o outro lhe responde:
- Nada

(Also works in Spanish)

Glebe

This is going to be particularly hard to do, especially with the travel restrictions.

MortSahlFan

Soviet era joke:

A Bolshevik has been standing in line for meat for several hours. Unfortunately, they run out just before his turn. Frustrated, the Bolshevik bitterly complains to the meat distributor. "Comrade, I fought in the wars, served my country, and this is my reward? I have been a loyal member of the Communist Party and I have nothing to show for it!"

The distributor puts his hand on the Bolshevik's shoulder. "Comrade, you should count your blessings. See that guard over there? Last year, he would have shot you for speaking against the mother country in public like that."

The Bolshevik returns to his home. His wife sees him empty-handed, and asks "What happened? Did they run out of meat?"

"It's worse," he replies. "They ran out of bullets!"

MortSahlFan

In the '80s, a friend of mine heard this joke, which I was told was from Poland:

Man 1: "Where are you going?"

Man 2: "To Krakow, to buy bread."

Man 1: "Krakow? But, the only place that has bread is Warsaw!"

Man 2: "Yes, I know, but the line starts in Krakow."

kngen

Another Russian queueing joke (my Russian teacher told us this one).

Two Russians standing in line for bread for hours. One of them says:

'I'm fed up with this, comrade. I'm going to go and kill Brezhnev'

Several hour pass, and he returns.

His friend says: 'I thought you were going to kill Brezhnev?'

He replies: 'The line was too long.'




There's also a joke I can't remember that is apparently only funny to Floridians about trying to sneak fruit over state lines (which is apparently a thing in some US states, but is rarely, if ever, enforced).

Given that the punchline – a play on 'tangerine' – is 'Looks like you tanger-peed yourself!', I hardly think it's worth researching what the set up might be.

Len Pounds

A joke from the US of A circa 2001-2009...

Three surgeons are talking about their greatest accomplishments. The first surgeon says "So I had this patient... he'd gotten his foot caught in a bear trap... damn thing was left barely hanging on by a thread of skin... Well sir, I got him fixed up and now he's kicker for the college football team!"

The second surgeon says "That's nothing... I had this patient... feller had gone and stuck his hand into a woodchipper... all that was left was a bloody stump on the end of his arm... but I worked my magic and now he's a world-famous concert pianist!"

The third surgeon says "Oh yeah? Well, I had this patient... guy was a cowboy... went and rode his horse head first into an oncoming train... All that was left was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat, and now he's President of the United States of America!"