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March 29, 2024, 03:08:10 PM

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AI Satire, by GPT-J-6B

Started by Chriddof, July 27, 2021, 12:10:04 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Chriddof

As produced via https://6b.eleuther.ai/, with human prompts by me. (My prompts are displayed in bold.)

QuoteLONDON - Home Secretary Priti Patel has come under fire after being kicked into a vat of piss by a naughty horse.

The incident occurred in the Derby Day parade at Epsom yesterday, where the Home Secretary was participating in the parade with the Queen.

Priti, who was watching the parade with her husband Geoffrey and her assistant of five years Melanie Sykes, was seen being dragged along the ground by her dress by a horse which was spooked and kicked her in the face.

It is believed the Home Secretary was the intended target of the horse's kick, and that it was not aimed at anyone else.

The incident was captured on video and the footage has now been posted on Twitter.

The video shows Priti being pulled along the ground by the side of her dress by the horse, with an onlooker saying: "It's this horse that just kicked Priti Patel.

"It was spooked and it kicked her in the face. She's just slumped to the floor."

The Home Secretary's assistant Melanie was seen trying to help the Home Secretary, but the horse only moved its hoof away from Priti's face.

Priti is seen shouting "Help", and there are concerns she may have been knocked unconscious as she was dragged along the ground.

"I saw a horse kick Priti Patel this morning, it was on the floor, Priti was on top of it," tweeted Aisha Ghani.

She later posted: "For anyone who didn't see the horse kick Priti Patel, here's the video, she's out cold. What a day."

Other Twitter users also criticised the Home Secretary for her behaviour during the incident.

One wrote: "This person was supposed to be protecting us from terrorists and this is how she treats terrorists. Shameful."

Another added: "That was awful. She should be more careful."

The incident occurred in the English Derby Day parade at Epsom, Surrey yesterday (6 May).

Watch the video here:

After the kick, the horse reared up, but was restrained by a handler.

The Home Secretary, who was wearing a red polka dot dress, was then helped by fellow parade attendees, with one telling her: "The police will be here soon.

"You'll be all right."

A Police Scotland spokesman said: "We were called at 2.45pm to the English Derby Day parade on Epsom Downs after a report of a person with a head injury.



Quote
WESTMINSTER - Boris Johnson has lost his limbs and hair, claims Dominic Cummings. "He's just a smelly worm now. A winky wanky worm."

The Conservative Party's former chief strategist said he was talking about the prime minister in a private conversation.

Mr Cummings, the most powerful aide to Mr Johnson, is standing up for the prime minister after he was accused of lacking "guts" for proposing a new Brexit deal.

Mr Cummings, who has been sacked from his role, said: "I've been sacked by a winky wanky worm. It's just not a nice thing to do.

"I think he's a winky wanky worm, I think he's a smelly worm, and I think he's not a very nice person.

"He's not the leader of the Conservative Party. He's not the prime minister of the United Kingdom."

Mr Cummings also said he had been treated like "a dog being kicked by its owner", adding: "I've been treated like a dog being kicked by its owner."

The former top aide said he was "not proud" of the way he had been treated, adding: "I'm not proud of the way I've been treated. I'm not proud of the way I've been treated, and I'm not proud of the way I've been treated, and I'm not proud of the way I've been treated, and I'm not proud of the way I've been treated, and I'm not proud of the way I've been treated."

The comments were made on Thursday as Mr Cummings fought back after a week of acrimonious political attacks on the man he used to back and is now viewed as his nemesis.

Mr Cummings claimed that his firing on Monday, which saw the former Foreign Secretary and Environment Secretary Jeremy Hunt appointed to replace him, was not a warning that he was about to be dismissed.

The 62-year-old is the bookies' favourite to be the next Tory leader.

But he was dumped from his role as the campaign director after plotting to replace Mr Johnson, in a bid to get Mr Johnson booted out as Tory leader.

Mr Johnson's team has dismissed Mr Cummings' claims, saying the sack was part of an attempt to take control of the Conservative Party.

In a public meeting in Kent on Thursday night, Mr Johnson told a group of Tory MPs that Mr Cummings had been acting on his instructions.

He said: "I sacked him, I sacked him for trying to blackmail me into supporting a deal that was on the table on Monday night



QuoteWESTMINSTER - Boris Johnson has lost his limbs and hair, claims Dominic Cummings. "He's just a smelly worm now. A winky wanky worm."

Cummings's social-media trolls are preparing to make more claims about the Prime Minister's health: how he's a "rotting corpse" who's "smelly as a rotting corpse", and that he has "bloody stinky feet".



QuoteMOSCOW - Vladimir Putin has declared himself the "master of cakes". The confusing announcement came during a speech in which he claimed he could stop the clocks - including the Russian time - by simply ordering them to be stopped.

Putin said that he could stop the clocks "in the town hall", and they would stop automatically because the town hall would receive the order.

To a chorus of laughter, Putin said he would "never" ask the local council to make a cake for the Russian president and his entourage, as long as he was in office.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has a weakness for cakes. In 2014, he shared a photo of himself enjoying a slice of cake with his French counterpart, Francois Hollande, at a meeting in Moscow.

The gaffe-prone Russian leader is often mocked for his own bizarre utterances and confusing actions. But the events of this week have brought another Putin blunder to the fore.

On Thursday, Russia's state news agency TASS reported that the president had visited a bakery in Moscow to test out Putin's cake-stopping power.

"The president has just visited a famous pastry shop in Moscow. The pastry shop owner tested out the president's power to stop the clocks," TASS reported, referring to a video the agency said was filmed by a "compatriot".



Quote
CORNWALL - Nigel Farage has died after falling into a wacky vagina. Mr Farage was warned not to approach the zany Cornish genitalia, which has been in St. Ives for thousands of years, but he was determined to get a closer look and ended up falling into the strange, wacky vagina.

Managing director of the Cornish Feminist Association, Sue Stansfield, said: "Unfortunately, Mr Farage was a man who loved nothing more than to get his hands on a strange, wacky vagina. We have been warning him for years that he shouldn't approach them, but he was determined to get his hands on one, and just as he was about to grab it, he fell into it."

Farage, who was a vegetarian, was immediately taken to Plymouth General Hospital, where he died just before midnight.

Dr Martin Birchall, who was on duty that evening, said: "I was really surprised that Mr Farage had managed to get to the hospital at all, considering his advancing age, but I was amazed that he had managed to get to the hospital to see me.

"It was really good that he chose me as his doctor, because I know I'm good at dealing with people who fall into strange, wacky vagina."

Farage, who was a vegetarian, was immediately taken to Plymouth General Hospital, where he died just before midnight.

Doctor Andeet Singh said: "Mr Farage was a great man. He had an excellent knowledge of Vimax and if he hadn't taken the time to read my book he would have died at the age of 67."

"The world's about to end. We're all going to die." That's right everyone, the world is about to end. I'm not sure exactly

All Surrogate

"For anyone who didn't see the horse kick Priti Patel, here's the video, she's out cold. What a day."

Hahaha, thanks for this, Chriddof.

BlodwynPig

QuoteA Police Scotland spokesman said: "We were called at 2.45pm to the English Derby Day parade on Epsom Downs after a report of a person with a head injury.

Brutal

Fambo Number Mive

QuoteDonald Trump drank a pot of covfee today  and he is now on a roll.

The only problem is it wasn't coffee.

Mr Trump was shown a photo of a coffee cup which he claimed to have never seen before.

"It's never been seen before, I don't drink coffee. So I'll have to look at that. I don't drink coffee, so it's never been seen before," he said.

Trump's son Eric Trump, who is also running for Congress in North Carolina said that his father has never used the product.

"No, I don't think so. He doesn't drink coffee," he said.

Also Read:

Donald Trump's Past Rants On Coffee:

Trump also spoke about North Carolina's 9th Congressional district, which is currently held by Democrat G.K. Butterfield.

"He's got a very difficult race going, and I think he'll win. I think he's doing very well. I think he's gonna do really well," Trump said.

On Tuesday, Mr Trump will face off against Democrat Dan McCready in the state's 9th district, which is represented by Butterfield.

Trump's opponent McCready held a press conference on Monday to announce

Fambo Number Mive

QuoteThe other day, Kier Starmer nearly let out a policy, but as he was by himself in the toilet, no-one heard. He finished his wee and reached for the cistern. He didn't know that his socks were on backwards, and as he tried to turn the faucet on, the only thing he succeeded in doing was getting water all over the floor and himself.

Kier just stood there, with a confused look on his face. He looked round the toilet cubicle, and thought: "I'm in the wrong toilet." But what to do? He didn't want to get into an argument with a random stranger, and the cleaner had already left.

Eventually, he decided to get out of the cubicle, and as he was walking towards the exit, he noticed that he had left his socks on. He should have thought of this before he had left the toilet, but that's the kind of thing that happens when you're busy going about your day.

Kier had to get back in, but the doors were locked. The only thing he could do was to sit on the loo seat for a while, and think about things. He was getting cold, and there was no more hot water.

Eventually, he stood up, and as he was about to try the door again, he realised he

QuoteThe other day, Kier Starmer nearly let out a policy, but as he was by himself in the toilet, no-one heard. He finished his wee, relieved in more ways than one. Imagine if a voter had heard a Labour Party policy! Even though it was on a subject such as  this.

Anyway, Kier Starmer nearly let out a policy. Which, he says, "would have been the first time I've ever done so".

Labour has, of course, a policy on Brexit. It's called the People's Vote. But it's not the policy the Shadow Brexit Secretary has in mind. He's talking about a policy he almost had in his mouth. But he was in the toilet, alone, with his thoughts and his privates, and no-one heard.

So what was the policy that nearly came out? "It's something like the chance of a second referendum," says the Shadow Brexit Secretary. "And you'd probably have to have a rule of law guarantee."

And what would

Fambo Number Mive

QuoteJacob Rees-Mogg can't tell when someone is calling him a cunt in Latin. But then neither can the rest of us. Or, at least, we can't tell for certain, either. The Conservative MP for North East Somerset, who is also one of the UK's leading experts on Latin grammar, has spent the week enduring a barrage of abuse from constituents on Twitter. Much of it is perfectly innocuous. If he were to have a bog roll, say, someone might comment. But a lot of it is not.

'I'm getting a lot of this one, actually,' Rees-Mogg says, eyeing a batch of insults in the shape of a tweet on his phone. 'Apparently I'm a cunt in Latin. And this: "The cunt's at it again."'

QuoteJacob Rees-Mogg can't tell when someone is calling him a cunt in Latin. But it is the tag on the slur that he finds upsetting.

"I just wish people would stop calling me a cunt in Latin," he says, his tone flat, his eyes down.

"I'm not a cunt. I'm a Roman. I'm not a cunt. I'm not a cunt," he repeats, less confidently. "I'm not. Not. A. Cunt."

A Roman?

So what's the problem then?

"I don't know," he says.

"I think it's just a bit of fun. I think people enjoy saying it. That's why it's a bit of fun," he says, smiling.

"I just don't like being called a cunt in Latin. I wish people would stop calling me a cunt in Latin."

famethrowa