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Devastating one-liners

Started by Bigfella, July 27, 2021, 11:21:16 AM

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Bigfella

An American tourist at Prestwick airport sneered 'This place is the asshole of the world'.  Chic Murray walking by: 'just passing through, are you?'  Mark Twain: 'Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times'.  Okay folks, over to you.

Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead


dead-ced-dead

This remark from Lisa to Bart is just cold blooded.

Bart: "Aw, what do you care about good comics? All you ever buy is Casper 'The Wimpy' Ghost."


madhair60

you're a sneaking bitch!

edit: oh also "I sleep in a big bed with my wife"

DrGreggles

Quote from: My old English teacher
Greg isn't as funny as he thinks he is, but then no one is as funny as Greg thinks he is.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth


Jockice

Al my friends say I'm a lunatic but it isn't true. I don't have any friends - Jerry Sadowitz,

(Not long ago I said that to the lovely lass who cuts my hair, She went: "Aw, of course you have friends." Which means she either just didn't get it or I'm just too deadpan for my own good,)

(PS, alright, it's two lines. But I still think it's a perfect unexpected punchline.)

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

An obvious one, but it's great.

"So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

To be fair to The Lovely Debbie McGee, she didn't take offence.

Dusty Substance


Thomas

'Or kill me and make it look like suicide.'

Dusty Substance

Quote from: Jockice on July 27, 2021, 06:28:34 PM
(Not long ago I said that to the lovely lass who cuts my hair, She went: "Aw, of course you have friends." Which means she either just didn't get it or I'm just too deadpan for my own good,)

God, I hate it when people don't get jokes. Most of the time it's not about the delivery, it's just they don't get it or simply weren't listening properly in the first place.

I once asked an ex-girlfriend "What's the point of rhetorical questions?" and she handily went on to explain what a rhetorical question is.

DrGreggles

Quote from: Dusty Substance on July 27, 2021, 07:40:18 PM
God, I hate it when people don't get jokes.

Happened the other day.
Someone phoned and said their name was O'Reilly.
Obviously I had to say "Oh really?" and the fucker just said "Yes" and carried on.

IT'S YOUR FUCKING NAME! AT LEAST GO ALONG WITH THE GAG, YOU PRICK!

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

Twitter is just so awful for that. "Here is my amusing comment; it is quite clearly a joke" followed by a stream of replies either repeating the joke or misunderstanding it.

Jockice

Quote from: Ballad of Ballard Berkley on July 27, 2021, 08:06:13 PM
Twitter is just so awful for that. "Here is my amusing comment; it is quite clearly a joke" followed by a stream of replies either repeating the joke or misunderstanding it.

I mentioned this sort of thing last week. I rarely tweet but when I saw a lengthy post describing all the things Jeremy Corbyn had done for the Jewish community, I posted 'yeah, but he cancelled all that out by looking at a mural.' Then I posted directly underneath it 'THIS IS SARCASM. And still somebody didn't get it and had a go at me.

Echo Valley 2-6809

This recent tweet from comedy writer Dan Maier is a great example https://twitter.com/danielmaier/status/1399368444919914497 - not just for the unbelievable amount of people who miss the point, but for the dolts who feel the need to sneer at him too.

Jockice

Quote from: Dusty Substance on July 27, 2021, 07:40:18 PM
God, I hate it when people don't get jokes. Most of the time it's not about the delivery, it's just they don't get it or simply weren't listening properly in the first place.

To be fair to *****" we do get on very well. She's been cutting my hair for years and I have made her laugh before. As indeed she's made me laugh.

But if you're disabled and make a self-deprecating gag people just don't often know how to react. Even ones you know well.. An uncle once had a real go at me for 'always putting myself down' after what to me was very obviously a joke at my own expense. And he'd known me for for my entire life.

Anyway, the last time I got my hair cut we had a chat about her sister who got covid bad last year and is slowly recovering. Then she uttered the sentence: "I said to her 'at least you can still walk. Some people can't even do that.' I thought 'should I?" but decided not to because no matter how light-hearted my reply was she'd have assumed I'd taken offence. Which I hadn't. It takes a hell of a lot more than that to offend me.

Ballad of Ballard Berkley

It even happens on here sometimes, and we're all comedy experts.

Jockice

Quote from: DrGreggles on July 27, 2021, 07:48:43 PM
Happened the other day.
Someone phoned and said their name was O'Reilly.
Obviously I had to say "Oh really?" and the fucker just said "Yes" and carried on.

IT'S YOUR FUCKING NAME! AT LEAST GO ALONG WITH THE GAG, YOU PRICK!

Got to admit I quite like doing that though. Deliberately ignoring the obvious gag and just playing it totally straight. Amuses me even if nobody else.

It's like when you get asked to provide a witty caption to a photograph and every time I'll just put L-r, then name the people pictured or give a very basic description of them. I love doing that.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth

Quote from: Jockice on July 27, 2021, 08:37:14 PM
It takes a hell of a lot more than that to offend me.
Neil Hannon is brilliant.


Jockice

Quote from: Jockice on July 27, 2021, 08:37:14 PM
To be fair to *****" we do get on very well.

I've spelt her name wrong. It's actually ******.

Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth


thenoise

I find it extra funny if they don't get my joke and calmly explain the situation to me as I have obviously misunderstood. Only funny to me, at that moment, and inside my own brain, but that makes it all the more special.

I do avoid joking about people's names though. They have always heard them before, and they are always fed up with them.

kalowski

"Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home"

Glebe

Quote from: kalowski on July 27, 2021, 09:37:24 PM"Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home"

I was trying to think of a decent Groucho one myself!

Gurke and Hare

Also "He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."


Rizla

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure!"

"Everyone laughed when I said I'd be a comedian - no-one's laughing now!'

Richard Heald

"People often say to me: 'Oi you, get out of my garden.'"

"I once ate a tin of dog food for a bet. I lost the bet. I bet that I wouldn't eat it."