Devastating one-liners

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

I used to miss Mitch Hedberg; I still do, but I used to, as well.

[another Mr. Lizard]

I was trying to think of a decent Groucho one myself!

Surely the all-time killer has to be "Go - and never darken my towels again"

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

To be fair, copying a proper comic's joke and delivering it without any of their comedic timing and removed from its original context, to some random normie is asking for trouble.  When I worked in customer facing jobs, when weird middle aged men (and it was always middle aged men) told me crap jokes, I used to sometimes pretend I didn't know they were jokes and reply earnestly, because it was slightly less cringe inducing than pretending to laugh.

[Neville Chamberlain]

'One wrong-way driver? There's hundreds of them!!!'

[SpiderChrist]

Not exactly a one liner, and I can't recall where I first heard this either (probably on here)

Man 1 gets up to leave

Man 2: Where are you going?
Man 1: Nowhere.
Man 2: I meant right now.

[lankyguy95]

"I can't think of anything that's not funny."

[Jockice]

Surely the all-time killer has to be "Go - and never darken my towels again"

I've had a great time. This wasn't it.

[Jockice]

And talking of people just not getting things, a few days ago I posted on Facebook that I'd woken up with one of Shania Twain's best-known singles in my head (which I had) but wasn't too overwhelmed by it. See what I did there eh?  I then did similar with other songs (Supergrass's best known song. It's okay/a Rod Stewart chart-topper later covered by Everything By The Girl. But I can't be arsed telling you any more/Aztec Camera's first hit. But I didn't really notice. Etc)

Okay it's not comic genius or anything but it amused me a bit. And I was trying to think of other songs whose titles I could slightly subvert. But one of my friends on there seems to have taken it as an 'earworm challenge' and just started posting links to random songs on my page. No punchline or anything. Just the links. So I've stopped it now.

PS, i hate the word 'earworm' anyway. As I've previously mentioned on here a bloke I worked with had this thing dating back to the early 90s (and lasting until he died about five years ago) in which we'd post messages to each other with whatever song we happened to have in our head. Which is what we called them. Songs in our head. We both objected strongly when people started going on about sodding earworms.

[The Mollusk]

It's a comedy show but not really a comedy line, but on Trailer Park Boys, the way Ray slams away Lahey's hospitality when he offers Ray a couch to sleep on after his trailer burns down is fucking savage:

Lahey: Is it because I don't have a ramp?

Ray: No Jimmy it's because I don't like ya buddy, and I'd rather sleep on the goddamn ground, CAPEEK?

Ray is a total piece of shit faking a wheelchair disability and even mispronounces "capisce" and yet he still manages to hold the higher ground here somehow. He says it so venomously.

[madhair60]

"Give me the Hand of Osiris!"

"Give me head."

"You didn't just say that."

"I absolutely did, what're you gonna do about it?"

[Blinder Data]

Lucille Bluth is the QUEEN of these

To Lindsay when she said she has a free afternoon: "Did nothing cancel?"

And probs my favourite:

"That's why she's been flirting with Gob: she's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am. But the joke's on her because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob."

[Jockice]

The last thing that made me laugh out loud was in John Cooper Clarke's latest autobiography. It was along the lines of 'people are always comparing me to Dylan. They say 'compared to Dylan you're crap.'

[Jockice]

To be fair, copying a proper comic's joke and delivering it without any of their comedic timing and removed from its original context, to some random normie is asking for trouble.  When I worked in customer facing jobs, when weird middle aged men (and it was always middle aged men) told me crap jokes, I used to sometimes pretend I didn't know they were jokes and reply earnestly, because it was slightly less cringe inducing than pretending to laugh.

It's worse when they inform you they're going to tell you a joke beforehand.

[Gulftastic]

From Malcolm In The Middle during a break up
'It's not you, it's me. I just think I can do better.'

[batwings]

From Seinfeld -
George (indignantly): What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you... only successful.

[Jockice]

I once ate a tin of dog food for a bet. I lost the bet. I bet that I wouldn't eat it."

That's a great one and I've never heard it before.

[Tony Yeboah]

"I can't think of anything that's not funny."

Over to you Angus.

[zomgmouse]

The classic Peter Cook riposte rejecting an invitation from David Frost: "I find I'm watching television that night"

[Dusty Substance]

Happened the other day.
Someone phoned and said their name was O'Reilly.
Obviously I had to say "Oh really?" and the fucker just said "Yes" and carried on.

IT'S YOUR FUCKING NAME! AT LEAST GO ALONG WITH THE GAG, YOU PRICK!

I assure everyone this one that I did a couple of years ago is true even if it seems too good to be true.....

I was sat in a pub garden with a few mates, including my friend Eileen. She was talking about how it was good to be out of the house as she'd missed a few gigs and events lately, including not going to see Kevin Rowland doing a solo show at a local pub.

"C'mon, Eileen, you missed out on a Kevin Rowland gig?", I loudly asked with a grin.

Got nothing from Eileen, she just carried on talking.

[TheMonk]

Happened the other day.
Someone phoned and said their name was O'Reilly.
Obviously I had to say "Oh really?" and the fucker just said "Yes" and carried on.

IT'S YOUR FUCKING NAME! AT LEAST GO ALONG WITH THE GAG, YOU PRICK!

This reminds me of a job I had unloading booze trucks and loading up a trolley with bottles to take into a bottle shop and stack the shelves.
Every time, EVERY TIME a different stranger would stop me and say "I can help you if you want to put some in my boot". I'd dread it. It started to do my head in. I could sense someone behind me while I was lugging boxes of booze and could feel it coming. Oh the rage.

[DrGreggles]

I assure everyone this one that I did a couple of years ago is true even if it seems too good to be true.....

I was sat in a pub garden with a few mates, including my friend Eileen. She was talking about how it was good to be out of the house as she'd missed a few gigs and events lately, including not going to see Kevin Rowland doing a solo show at a local pub.

"C'mon, Eileen, you missed out on a Kevin Rowland gig?", I loudly asked with a grin.

Got nothing from Eileen, she just carried on talking.

Cow!

[Glebe]

Surely the all-time killer has to be "Go - and never darken my towels again"

"My hat!"

"My towels!"

Duck Soup is still probably my favourite comedy of all time.

"Chicolini here may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot."

"I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove - but I can't see the stove."

"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did."

And of course Firefly's zinger-laden introduction.

[Echo Valley 2-6809]

I assure everyone this one that I did a couple of years ago is true even if it seems too good to be true.....

I was sat in a pub garden with a few mates, including my friend Eileen. She was talking about how it was good to be out of the house as she'd missed a few gigs and events lately, including not going to see Kevin Rowland doing a solo show at a local pub.

"C'mon, Eileen, you missed out on a Kevin Rowland gig?", I loudly asked with a grin.

Got nothing from Eileen, she just carried on talking.

She still hasn't forgiven you for asking if one of her legs was shorter than the other.

[Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead]

I assure everyone this one that I did a couple of years ago is true even if it seems too good to be true.....

I was sat in a pub garden with a few mates, including my friend Eileen. She was talking about how it was good to be out of the house as she'd missed a few gigs and events lately, including not going to see Kevin Rowland doing a solo show at a local pub.

"C'mon, Eileen, you missed out on a Kevin Rowland gig?", I loudly asked with a grin.

Got nothing from Eileen, she just carried on talking.

I've had that very experience right here:

Oh, come on. I lean towards the view that there are always exceptions:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vIC5CSEH44M

[The Ombudsman]

Man 1 : Who are you and how did you get in here?
Man 2 (Leslie Nielsen) : I'm a locksmith and, I'm a locksmith

Police Squad

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!"

[Richard Heald]

That's a great one and I've never heard it before.

Both gags are by Michael Redmond (the "get out of my garden" one later appropriated by Joe Pasquale).

[Bigfella]

Thanks for all the replies, some real golden gags in here.  Can't decide between Sadowitz or Groucho for a favourite.

[Jockice]

There are quite a few Emo Philips ones too. I particularly like: "I got some new underwear today. Well new to me,'' and "My brother says hello. So hurray for speech therapy.'' Both of which I've used in conversations before, with varying results.

I don't even have a brother.

[purlieu]

Got to admit I quite like doing that though. Deliberately ignoring the obvious gag and just playing it totally straight. Amuses me even if nobody else.

It's like when you get asked to provide a witty caption to a photograph and every time I'll just put L-r, then name the people pictured or give a very basic description of them. I love doing that.

Oh, me too. I keep thinking about starting a Twitter account as someone who doesn't get jokes and then just spend the rest of my days trolling people by intentionally missing the point.