Devastating one-liners

[Jockice]

Oh, me too. I keep thinking about starting a Twitter account as someone who doesn't get jokes and then just spend the rest of my days trolling people by intentionally missing the point.

Luckily for me I'm one of those people who can keep a totally straight face. It's just the rest of my body that I have difficulty with.

New page. People laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now. Because I'm not a comedian. Or funny. Still, I'm sure my dad will be looking down on me now. Because he's dead, not condescending. I'm not saying my wife's fat. Because I'm not married.

And so on.

[zomgmouse]

There are quite a few Emo Philips ones too. I particularly like: "I got some new underwear today. Well new to me,'' and "My brother says hello. So hurray for speech therapy.'' Both of which I've used in conversations before, with varying results.

I don't even have a brother.

"People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'"

[Jockice]

"People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'"

Didn't I see you on television?
I don't know. You can't see out of the screen that way.

Or something like that.

[madhair60]

Yeah, well we all get tired.

[kngen]

Chic Murray

With bemusement to a B&B landlady, on being presented with one of those tiny individual pots of honey favoured in such establishments.

'I see that you keep a bee.'[nb]Often attributed to Andy Stewart, of the swinging kilt and highland kitsch, but I know who my money's on.[/nb]

[MoreauVasz]

"People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'"

People often say to me... What are you doing in my garden?

[Dusty Substance]

She still hasn't forgiven you for asking if one of her legs was shorter than the other.

I don't think she'd even get that one! She's a weird one, my friend Eileen (obvs, she's a friend of mine) - She's actually naturally very funny, a gifted story-teller and I've seen her do stand up at a local open mic night where she tore the house down. But I later found out when talking with her about comedy that she just stole all her material from routines I wasn't familiar with. She maintains that it's perfectly fine for her to do someone's comedy routine as it's exactly the same as when a band covers a famous song.

[mr. logic]

Once again, words fail Norman Mailer.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Gavin Boyes? - Yeah.

I'm Glenn Cullen. No need for me to get up.

[Ornlu]

Tim Dillon guesting on one of Whitney Cummings' podcasts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YrsPITgiwtw&t=60s&ab_channel=ThePodfather

"Tim has decided that I am profoundly, eternally wrong, on pretty much everything... "
"Not... profoundly."