Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 29, 2024, 12:17:58 PM

Login with username, password and session length

sudden death (and sudden grief)

Started by Blinder Data, July 31, 2021, 07:52:44 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Blinder Data

stepmother went for a nap a couple of days ago and didn't wake up. she was in her mid-60s, no history of medical ailments to suggest this was on the cards. I had a list as long as my arm of people I expected to go before her (my not so healthy dad being one). if she died in a car crash or fell down the stairs it would make it easier to accept.

we're all still in shock and feel robbed. she was great.

how have you dealt with people who leave this earth in an immediate and unexpected fashion?

(side note: I haven't seen my dad since because he has tested positive so is self isolating with the dog. COVID - a shit business)

Buelligan

Really extremely sorry to hear of this.  The upside, which I'm sure everyone will recognise is that she appears not to have suffered, nevertheless, for those left behind, a dreadful shocking sad thing.

My experience of all great pain is that you get used to it somehow.  I think it's like getting a really monstrous painful stone in the shoe, the more you think about it, the worse it hurts, eventually you get used to it.  And you have to think about it, of course.

Had a very dear friend go like that last summer, we were in daily, often many times a day, contact, then, pfft.  Gone forever, without so much as a swirl of the cape.  Not old or anything, just had too much life for one heart.  Broke mine, still think about what he would say about this or that, almost every day.  Another two, years ago now, my closest friends at the time, brutally murdered.  One night I was with them, eating together in their garden, cicadas singing, the moon and clouds hanging soft in the warm July night, the next day, I was going to collect some geraniums and another friend turned up and said they'd been killed.  I thought, fine, I'll just sort out this and then go to resolve the geranium question.  Weird how the mind works.  Some things are too awful to take in all at once.

My advice is to bear it, share it with those that shared the love, and know it will become easier to carry eventually.  Hugs.

#2
Sorry. Hope you and your dad and the dog can see each other soon.

Zetetic

Had a 70-or-so year old friend diagnosed with liver cancer a few days ago, in a fashion that is very much looking like this will be the thing that kills him. Trying to understand worst case timescales and bring my partner (for whom the friend is something of an uncle) round to the need for urgency in visiting. I'm not sure this counts.

Good luck, Blinder Data, with dealing with aftermath. Hope you'll be alright.


Kankurette

Quote from: Blinder Data on July 31, 2021, 07:52:44 AM
stepmother went for a nap a couple of days ago and didn't wake up. she was in her mid-60s, no history of medical ailments to suggest this was on the cards. I had a list as long as my arm of people I expected to go before her (my not so healthy dad being one). if she died in a car crash or fell down the stairs it would make it easier to accept.

we're all still in shock and feel robbed. she was great.

how have you dealt with people who leave this earth in an immediate and unexpected fashion?

(side note: I haven't seen my dad since because he has tested positive so is self isolating with the dog. COVID - a shit business)
I'm sorry, I wish you long life.

Unfortunately all the deaths in my family have been from long periods of illness; in some ways it was better because at least I knew Dad was going to die, it was just a matter of when, whereas a girl I knew at school lost her dad to a heart attack. He went to a sports club and never came home.

All Surrogate

My deepest condolences, Blinder Data. It is such a wrenching shock when you're bereaved out of the blue; it seems impossible that things can change so much so quickly. With hindsight, I don't know that I coped particularly well with it (a good while ago now, when I was still a teenager, but it reverberates), so I can't really offer much advice, beyond concurring with many of the thoughts above. I hope you and the people around you are able to support one another. Best wishes.

Shit Good Nose

Yes, condolences.

One of my best mate's mum died during the first lockdown last year.  She phoned 111 about a cough and difficulty breathing for several weeks but had tested negative several times for covid, so she was told to see her GP, which she did a couple of days later.  GP made an appointment with the hospital straight away and was taken there by ambulance and went straight into x-ray or CT or whatever and had blood tests and all that, and within a couple of hours was told she had a rare form of lung cancer (she never smoked and didn't grow up in a smoking household) which was terminal.  They gave her 12 to 18 months with chemo, 9-12 without, so she opted for chemo but completely unexpectedly died in her sleep two weeks after being rushed to the hospital.  Given when it happened, funeral attendance was restricted to 6 family members only, but my mate couldn't go as he was self-isolating, his brother lives in Australia and obviously couldn't attend, so it was just my mate's wife in his place, his dad and his uncle (his mum's brother) and that was it at the funeral, which was pared down to the bare minimum (15 minutes all told) and obviously no wake.

So you've got my mate and his brother in a weird situation where they'd not seen her since before covid was a thing over here, with their mother dying and the funeral taking place and them blind to all of it, and then you've got his wife dad and uncle with only each other for comfort but not allowed to hug or hold hands, and then friends and people like me who had known her for nearly 25 years going from someone you recently saw as normal and healthy to now being gone but with no way to properly grieve or celebrate their life.  VERY VERY odd, and it still feels weird now.  My mate still says he doesn't think he's grieved now - because of the uniqueness, weirdness and distance of the whole affair he's not cried at all.  In fact the only emotion he has felt is relief at how quickly and peacefully she went (she hadn't even started getting the side-effects of chemo yet) and, rather dark humouredly, relief that the funeral was the bare minimum and they didn't have to sort out a wake (both him and his dad also had financial difficulties at the time and would have struggled to find the money to pay for a proper full-on funeral).

Yeah, really weird situation.

canadagoose

I'm sorry to hear that, BD. My condolences.

Glebe

My sincerest condolences BD, love and hugs.

Catalogue of ills

One friend killed himself aged 21, another was stabbed to death (not technically murder as the perp was mentally ill) aged 23. With the latter, I dealt with it by being very angry and drinking phenomenal amounts of alcohol - 2/10, would not recommend.

Some years later I did quite a bit of bereavement counselling (as the counsellor), people trying to make sense of murders, accidents, so forth. My conclusion - there isn't sense to be made, though it's completely natural to look for some. Try and look after yourself and those around you as best you can, and accept that alcohol and other substances are only genuinely helpful for a couple of weeks. Everyone's reactions are different and equally valid. Be kind to yourself.

jobotic

I keep going on about this and I apologise, but one of my closest friends died five years ago today of a sudden heart attack. I was on holiday and my dad rang to tell me. Won't ever forget that phone call.

Looking bck on Facebook posts we did some messaging the day before about fucking nonsense. Was meant to be a memorial tonight/his wife's birthday do but didn't happen because she has had covid.

Condolences Blinder Data. Grief gets more manageable but the sense of everyone being robbed still persists.

jobotic

QuoteNot old or anything, just had too much life for one heart.

Wonderfully put Buelligan, and applies to my friend too. Sounds like yours was great as well

Buelligan


Janie Jones

Sorry for you loss BD. Mid 60s is too young but in time (not yet) you'll be able to find comfort in the fact that she didn't suffer dementia or terminal illness as many of her contemporaries undoubtedly will before too long.

Both my parents died suddenly and more recently my friend died suddenly age 50, he lived alone and wasn't found for a few days. My practical advice is, be mindful about who does the clearing out; people who don't know they're going to die leave some stuff around the place that they maybe would not want certain people to see. And please don't you or your dad make any major decisions for at least 6 months (eg moving home). You're all in shock, let this sad change settle into your lives and remember your happy memories. I think it's lovely that you said she was great, I know some stepkids who don't have a good word for their dad's wife.

Blinder Data

thanks all for the kind words, especially those who shared their stories. in many ways we are lucky that she was not taken from us violently, suffered much pain or that we can expect to arrange a funeral under restrictive COVID conditions, which would hinder the grieving process. (though we have family abroad and it's a question they'll be able to attend. they feel totally powerless to help, which is crap)

the feeling of being robbed is strong - she was an excellent grandmother to her biological grandchildren and we were so looking forward to her seeing our baby grow up. her death has also brought forward conversations and considerations that I assumed were at least 10 years away i.e. how would my dad or stepmum cope by themselves?

however I saw my dad yesterday (socially distanced) and he seems very accepting of it. he's extremely sad obviously but not in a crying or talking about her all the time way (his Catholic faith bearing fruits at the right time). hopefully when his isolation period is over I'll be able to help out sorting stuff in the house

famethrowa

Quote from: Blinder Data on August 01, 2021, 07:28:16 AM
in many ways we are lucky that she was not taken from us violently, suffered much pain

Absolutely, my always-strong farmer grandfather dropped dead of his first heart attack at 71, basically clicked "off" where he was sitting and it was all over. Shocking and abrupt, but since I've seen 3 female relatives live to a "good long age" (over 92 each) and all had a terrible awful slow decline, confusion, frustration, falls, ending in morphined convulsions in a lonely dark room, last one was just 2 days ago.  So what's better? I guess going quickly, but 70's is too young. You can't pick and choose though. All the best to you BD

zomgmouse

Oh BD this is dreadful, extremely sorry to hear this. The shock of it all must be enormous. All my best to you and your family.

Famous Mortimer

I'm sorry, BD.

For both my parents, I only learned of their illnesses the day before they both died - father of a heart attack, mother of complications from cancer. It was strange and awful, but like has been said, the knowledge of their lack of suffering tempered my sadness at not getting to say goodbye properly.

evilcommiedictator

Hope you can deal with it in the bes way you can mate.

My partner of ~10 months, who had lived with her mum (72) for the past 15 years and was caring for her due to falls for the past 1.5 years. She'd been complaining of pain for the past 6 months or so, scans, scopes didn't show anything, blood tests a bit off so mroe scans needed, had to go to hospital for extreme pain on a friday, they kept her in all week and did more tests.

Let her out 5 days later, looks like some form of cancer. Home 4 days, and dies on the toilet at 2am of a heart attack the day before getting the results of the test - one of the worst ovarian cancers.

My partner who has been trained in CPR, tries that for a bit but knew she was cold and that was it. I've now moved and and made sure she's got the right tablets, got her to get more tablets for sleeping (rather than booze), set her up with a psychologist for grief counselling, and tried to help her out by helping break things down into doable chunks rather than having big massive cleanup jobs to be done. I dunno what else to do but making sure there's something to focus on I think helps, and when the thoughts come (because they will), it will hurt, but it will hurt less over time, and remember those thoughts are missing the person who provided you nice things, there's love there, and whilst we can't bring it back, we can remember it.

Also she's getting a tattoo in memory of Mum of an Owl - not for everyone, sure

Jockice

Sympathies mate. At my age I have known a few people who just unexpectedly died (an aunt in her 60s, a friend's wife in her 50s and a former work colleague in his 40s all spring to mind) and it's a very difficult one to deal with, especially if it's a relation. Just hope you, your dad and the rest of the family can support and help each other.