Jungle Cruise

[Noodle Lizard]

Major Disney film based on a major Disneyland ride, from the director of 2005's House Of Wax with Paris Hilton.

The Rock is in it because it was part of his Satanic pact to be cast in everything like this (the Jumanjis, Journey 2 etc.), and so is Jack Whitehall and Emily Blunt. Andy Nyman and Jesse Plemons are the most CaB-friendly additions, I should think.

I'm about to watch it. I wonder if it's any good.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I bet you will love it

[Noodle Lizard]

I bet you will love it

I'm familiar with the Disneyland sensation (though I think it's outdated and overrated), and who doesn't love Jack Whitehall. Poised to like it.

[madhair60]

diarrhoea

[Noodle Lizard]

I will say that I have a lot of fondness for old Disney adventure movies like 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, and even daft things like Bedknobs & Broomsticks or the first Pirates of the Caribbean, so there's hope. And Jack Whitehall is in it, so y'know.

[Noodle Lizard]

Well, that was sort of alright. It's very reminiscent of similar films - in fact, some plot points and even character dynamics are so similar to the first Pirates film that Disney would've probably sued had it been made by anyone else - and while it's not better than anything it imitates, it's not much worse either. The story is obviously total pants, and they spend far too much time trying to explain it to us, but the performances just about carry it. There are even a couple of funny moments which are actually funny, and it's a bit ruder than I was expecting from a Disney film - not that Carry On innuendo particularly impresses me, but it's surprising to see blowjob jokes in something like this. Quite gruesome as well.

The CGI is often really poor, however, especially the animals. Given it's Disney and WETA behind it, I have no idea what happened there - King Kong 2005 did a better job of it. And as much as it occasionally contrives to make points about female empowerment and being tolerant of homosexuality, it's hard to find any of that particularly sincere when it really is the super macho Rock who ultimately does all the heavy lifting. It's conventional as you like, despite its proclamations to the contrary.[nb]

Spoiler alert

Now if at the end The Rock had pushed past Emily Blunt and passionately kissed Jack Whitehall and strolled off into the sunset with him instead, then I'd give them their fair dues for trying something new.

[close]

[/nb]

On a more personal note, I also hoped it might do a little more to comment on the phenomenon of Jungle Cruise Skippers at Disney parks, but I suppose Disney's not really known for being satirical or subversive - especially of their own properties. It's a shame though, because I think there's a lot that could be done with that idea. As it stands, the film may as well have had nothing to do with the ride it's named after.

All in all, fine enough. Good for the tweens.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Gruesome blow jobs? Like people biting the knob of at the point of no return?

[Noodle Lizard]

Gruesome blow jobs? Like people biting the knob of at the point of no return?

There is a "biting a willy" joke, actually. And an extended vomiting scene too, which I wasn't very keen on. More risqué in general than Disney tend to stomach.

[bakabaka]

Jack Whitehall needs a better agent. Fourth in the credits, after a bloke that doesn't even really turn up until the final act.

This had so many similarities to various parts of the Pirates franchise that I assumed its sole purpose was to let them rebrand the Disneyland Pirates ride without having to change more than the colours of the lights. Which would be a wonderfully fitting way to end something that was based on a Disneyland ride in the first place.

[El Unicornio, mang]

It's not bad, definitely felt like a less funny, cheapo straight to DVD Jumanji/Pirates type thing but with some big names. The Rock and Emily Blunt are always watchable, and nice message about sticking two fingers up to homophobic/sexist establishment types which I applaud Disney for continually doing. The ending with the leopard in the car driving through London was a bit stupid though, unrealistic.

[sevendaughters]

trailer looked like Fitzcarraldo written by Vince McMahon and the head of the Brit school.

[Dex Sawash]

Seems like Jungle Cruise did not require a ticket back when the best rides had tickets or maybe it was an A ticket ride. Rode it several times either way, no vomiting or blowjobs. 7/10

[Avril Lavigne]

This had so many similarities to various parts of the Pirates franchise that I assumed its sole purpose was to let them rebrand the Disneyland Pirates ride without having to change more than the colours of the lights. Which would be a wonderfully fitting way to end something that was based on a Disneyland ride in the first place.

Pirates is never going away, POTC #6 is currently in the works with a new character played by Margot Robbie replacing Depp's Jack Sparrow as the central pirate, and if that does well I expect it'll mean at least 2 more sequels.

[Noodle Lizard]

They're obviously interested in adapting their rides into movies again, rather than the other way around. They were all set for a Tower of Terror movie[nb]which is a bit odd, considering they recently re-themed the California version of the ride to Guardians Of The Galaxy, and the original ride is based on The Twilight Zone to begin with[/nb] starring ScarJo, but obviously that's not going to happen anymore. I'd say they might give The Matterhorn a go (the one with the big yeti chasing you through a mountain), but it's only in the original park and it seems like it's only a matter of time before that gets the Frozen treatment or something.

It's surprising they haven't gotten round to making a decent Haunted Mansion film yet, since it's one of their oldest and most iconic rides next to Pirates. I'd be very surprised if they look back at the Eddie Murphy version and think "job's a good'un!" I think Guillermo Del Toro was slated to do it for a while, not sure what happened there.