The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW: HAHALLOWEEN III: Shriekin’ of the Witch

[Blue Jam]

Is [Salt Bae] genuinely only famous because he bounces salt off his elbow? If so, has anybody ever become famous for something even less impressive than that? (royals don't count)

There was that bloke who literally got knighted for walking around his garden

:D

[pigamus]

Yep, never had someone use the word buddy at me without wishing Huntington's Chorea on them.

The specificity

[Butchers Blind]

[Ferris]

"Thanks very much, enjoy the rest of your day."

Where will it end

Something about the banality of it all made me cackle

[Glebe]

"More dumplings (because I am scum) please"
"Ok, but only because I'm being paid to do this"

[Sebastian Cobb]

On one occasion when I was about 16 my mum dared to enter my stinking palace of onanism without knocking just as I'd reached the point of no return. I managed to switch the VHS grot I'd borrowed off David Newstead to BBC1 just in time. Blushes were arguably spared but my lightning quick split second reflexes resulted in me having an orgasm under the bedcovers with my headphones on and my mum in the room whilst staring fixedly at the image of Tinker from 'Lovejoy' running down a hill. A horrifying aberration in my otherwise flawless wanking career.

[Glebe]

Heh!

[Twit 2]

Dunblane.

[Kankurette]

[Jumblegraws]

Proper chuckled at this. Prob helps that I watched Follow That Bird just last week.

[Kankurette]

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?"

Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minutes later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it."

[Alberon]

stieg larsson dropped by publisher

[An tSaoi]

I reckon at about 10:00 this morning, Chris Morris snapped out of a Bishop Brennan-like shocked stupor and shouted "THAT CUNT HAS GONE BANANAS!!!"

[DoesNotFollow]

Checking in on what dad's doing and had a good giggle:

your dad has applied to the fisher price bespoke items unit and managed to get a set made called "your dad's first bowel movement" (by which he means his own first bowel movement).  Cost him £600 to get done, and he's leaving it on a table of gifts at the christening of someone he doesn't know.

"Here's a lockpick," your dad is saying. "It might be handy if you, the 'Master of Unlocking' use it to open doors here in zombie mansion."

[willy crossit]

What do you mean you invited the vicar round to the turbine hall for tea on the very day we piped in thick kilolitres of pussy smell?? My God, he'll be here any minute!

[Paul Calf]

People tend to leave the room when I sculpt the air.

[Chedney Honks]

And if anyone wants burgers I hear there is a place called McDonalds

I haven't laughed in about a week til that post.

[ZoyzaSorris]

I enjoyed the Johnny yesno one a lot too.

[Chedney Honks]

I included within it, for my own amusement, a whole newspaper, a drawing of the pink panther, a menu for a hot pot restaurant and a piece of A4 paper that simply said "Ray is a cunt".

[turnstyle]

Go North.

In the cuckolding thread. Genuine guffaws.

[chveik]

Giving up on a tug and going downstairs for a tuc biscuit. Usually staring out the kitchen window eating it. A good long stare.

[flotemysost]

I'd rather make a nice cup of tea, and then watch another man drinking it.

More gold from the cuckolding thread. Something sort of sweet yet heartbreaking about that one.

[Smeraldina Rima]

I find my job very soul destroying. I'm a soul destroyer.

[Gregory Torso]

should Dan Aykroyd have got wanked off in Ghostbusters 2:

think about it, first film he gets sucked off to death by a ghost and in the second film loads of blokes must have gone thinking great that film about the guy getting chonged off like a sewing machine cant wait for the sequel and they go and no one gets fucking wanked off in the stupid shit cunt film for twats and you cant get your money back, anyway, best moment fo this is clearly when an arm comes out the slime river, could have easily spent a solid 5 minutes getting him wanked off into the river and going listen lads ive fucked it ive cum in the river of shit or whatever it is, and theyve got him there on the harness in the new york street with cum still going everywhere without much trajectory or energy just sort of down the road and the mayor goes he what he got fucking wanked off into the evidence the fucking....no, no bring him in, no theres no way thats true, hes fucking gone down there conned us all into thinking hes an expert and what hes done is gone down and fucking had some sort of mad suspended wank, get him here fucking asap cant believe this

[The Mollusk]

Hahaha that's incredible

[buttgammon]

I suspect it's been built up a bit too much now. But a deal's a deal...

Years ago, I arranged on a dating site for a man to come round for some good old fashioned gay sex. I didn't know him, I'd never met him before, but that was - and still is - the way I meet up with most people for the old slap and tickle.

Anyway, the man turns up, and he's quite clearly very uncomfortable, filled to the brim, as it turns out, with diarrhoea. At this point, though, I had no inkling, so we walk up to my flat, and he immediately asks to use my toilet.

I assume he just needed a piss after his forty-minute drive here, but within seconds I hear the most thunderous, angry shitting I've ever heard in my life. The sort of strength and viscosity that I can only assume would propel its victim several feet up into the air, like Yosemite Sam shooting his pistols at the ground. A diarrhoea tornedo.

Unsurprisingly, I am already feeling less in the mood. But moments later, he starts groaning and moaning,

"Oh noooooo!"

*fffffffffftttttttttsssssshhhhhh*

"Oh Christ!"

*ffffffffffffffffffffffssssssssssssshhhhhhh*

on and on for minutes and minutes while I stand in my bedroom, trouserless, a deer in headlights, wondering how the hell I'm going to get out of this, and what the hell I'm going to be faced with once he finishes the ordeal and opens the bathroom door.

Eventually, though, he does finish. It finishes. And after a disturbingly brief amount of time, he exits the bathroom and walks straight into my bedroom with a big, horny smile on his face.

"Should I fuck you, or do you want to fuck me?" he asks.

I have no more time to think. He had to drive for forty minutes, and I can't get out of this without mentioning diarrhoea, so I said the only thing I could in the circumstances:

"I shall wank you off."

He seems fine with that and lies down next to me on the bed. But I realise now that he stinks of a man who has been howling from diarrhoea. Sweat and shit and panic. But a deal's a deal, remember, and so I slowly, mechanically tug away at his cock with all the enthusiasm of a rusted-up milking machine.

After a couple of wretched minutes, his phone rings. He says he has to answer it, so I stop, and he sits up to take the call.

"Yeah... Yeah... Right, just lance it, then. But just makes sure to drain all the fluid."

I have had enough thinking time. He finishes the call.

"My arm aches, you'll have to go."

And thus, our giddy dalliance concluded.

Gasping and howling here.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Fantastic.

I said the only thing I could in the circumstances:

"I shall wank you off."

I laughed like aural diarrhoea once it reached this bit.

[Ray Travez]

that's just wonderful.

[Pink Gregory]

"Cinderella, you *shall* wank him off!"

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Nearest I can manage is farting a lot

Almost doesn't matter what comes after this as that's the laugh, but the resr is worth reading