The Last CaB post that made you GUFFAW: HAHALLOWEEN III: Shriekin’ of the Witch

[mothman]

Romance thwarted by faeces takes me back about 30 years.

Mr Rector and myself, a little adorable pub in the Lake District.  It has a sweet little courtyard in which there is a cutesy brick building with a charming weeny window.  We buy our drinks and sit by the charming weeny window, which is slightly open.  We hold hands and twinkle at each other, charmingly, while we peruse the oh-so-lovely menu.

Then it started.

"hhhhhhrrrrgh"

It turns out that the charming weeny window is to the gents.  And someone's not having a good time.

"HUUUGNNHGN"

We freeze, still holding hands.  Our twinkle diminishes.  And then it really starts.

"Ghhhnnnn!  HHHRrrrrrr!!!"  <wind escaping noisily>

Pause.

"Oh, dear god!   Mother!........"     "hhhhhhnngnh!"

A long pause.  A flush.  Another long pause.  And then the door of the cutesy brick building opens and a man walks out in chef's whites.

We don't eat there and the evening never quite gets back to full romance.

[Ferris]

Who are these people for whom a bowel movement requires strenuous physical (and verbal!) exertion?

Am I "textbook" every time? No, but I can't think of a time when a deposit has required anything that would be audible for the casual listener in the next room (though perhaps a dedicated pervert with an ear trumpet would have a field day), let alone involuntarily audible across a courtyard.

It's mad.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Who are these people for whom a bowel movement requires strenuous physical (and verbal!) exertion?

Am I "textbook" every time? No, but I can't think of a time when a deposit has required anything that would be audible for the casual listener in the next room (though perhaps a dedicated pervert with an ear trumpet would have a field day), let alone involuntarily audible across a courtyard.

It's mad.

Hey get a load of Humphrey Goldenbowels over here. Here is a recording of the sound of him shitting ;

https://youtu.be/e7lf_9HW5So

[Ferris]

Hey get a load of Humphrey Goldenbowels over here. Here is a recording of the sound of him shitting ;

https://youtu.be/e7lf_9HW5So

On a good day, yeah.

I don't understand how you have a day so bad it is like this.

[touchingcloth]

Who are these people for whom a bowel movement requires strenuous physical (and verbal!) exertion?

Am I "textbook" every time? No, but I can't think of a time when a deposit has required anything that would be audible for the casual listener in the next room (though perhaps a dedicated pervert with an ear trumpet would have a field day), let alone involuntarily audible across a courtyard.

It's mad.

They were in the normal range, let's leave it there.

We're still not buying this.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Yea somethings not right here

[Paul Calf]

How did it take two people to write that fucking article

One to hold the pen, one to move the paper.

[Barry Admin]

"I shall wank you off"

😂 Holy fucking shit Kelvin, what a story, and what a telling.

[pancreas]

It would be a +1000/-0 karma back in t' day.

[pancreas]

what is a haemorrhage but diarrhoea of the blood?

just gonna end up reposting everything from that thread in here.

[Blue Jam]

shut up you worm.

[non capisco]

Without exaggeration I've been laughing at Kelvin's diarrhea guy story on and off all day, particularly the bit when he finally finishes and bounds into the bedroom with "a big, horny smile on his face". There's misplaced confidence! Incredible stuff.

[Kelvin]

Looks like I owe Johnny Yesno a drink  :)

[Kankurette]

[Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse]

I grew a massive pair from all the hormones in the beef I was eating on the super mascaline carnivore diet.
I only started the diet to overcompensate for my feelings of inadequacy after I had to watch another man giving my girlfriend the sexual satisfaction  I was unable to provide

[non capisco]

Norton Canes' bang accurate description of the Simply Red performance on this week's TOTP repeats.

That moment when Mick bends over and his raggedy ginger dreads are bobbing around apparently of their own volition, it's like something out of a folk horror movie, some kind of phantom mandrake.

[paruses]

After a run of quite serious off-topic posts:

It's known as nipple discharge and can be streaked with blood; the nipple also often turn inwards.

And that's cuckolding, is it?

[Dex Sawash]

i can do a mean baby hitler

not what you were sent back in time to do

[Huxleys Babkins]

So which was it? Is it a mighty Mamba or something that looks like a cock but smaller? I think we should be told.

"Something that looks like a cock but smaller" is a beautifully cruel turn of phrase.

[Thomas]

That's what they call 'Monkhouser by proxy'.

context click thru

[shiftwork2]

That's almost impossibly good.

[Jumblegraws]

On Graham Linehan self-ID'ng as a lefty:

maybe he thinks "lefty" means "person whose family left them"

[Twit 2]

I shall never explore my body's capability, socrates be damned, for static shits I'm milquetoast, nigh-exclusively at-work shits, my last non-work shit was december 2020. What I like about the western style of shitting is you can never get the damn thing fully out, the technocrats think that's a flaw, Pete Buttigieg hates the way we shit and he wants radical change, he thinks because it doesn't work properly there must be a problem, but it's a problem to a question we'd never ask, and that's what these number junkie technocrats with their dyson efficiency shitters and reiki centrifuges will never understand.

Shitting in motion is a different story, there's a range of options, I was there in the early days, just a few dedicated guys with tarpaulins and a dream. Never forget that feeling when a VHS came through the letterbox, I could barely get it in the machine I was shaking so much, I couldn't wait to see the next big breakthrough of the era, there was this one man in colorado who did jumping jack shits, it was all about the timing, you had to squeeze at a point in the motion you wouldn't think to squeeze, but the payoff was exquisite. Lost custody of his daughter in the end, and with it her trampoline, poor man drank himself to death after that.

I was a pioneer among the forward roll shit community, I was the first to reliably launch a shit, first to take out a lightbulb, first to hit a moving target, but as the scene grew and the extreme sports crowd began to take notice, I was rapidly eclipsed. Most of these young guys, they won't have heard of me at all, but you find one of the old boys at the back of the tarp shop, a bonified brownback, he'll know, in his head I'm real.

[jobotic]

Fucking hell, brilliant

[mothman]

How does he DO that?!

[Twit 2]

COMMA SPLICES

[AllisonSays]

You don't racially abuse our stewards and enjoy plain sailing back to your twig and bird shit International phone card shop hovel.

Lovely phrasing.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

in pain reading this fucking hell hahaha

[Johnny Foreigner]

House of phwoaaarrrrrds

I am extremely tired and have been laughing at this for an hour.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Lovely phrasing.

Also laughed at this