Struggling to understand what a village is.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Postie delivers from a Vauxhall Combo van

They do that here in Glasgow.

[shiftwork2]

Empty calories.  If you've got a kitchen island with fairy lights on it you shouldn't be allowed to write for pay.  Or go outside.

A village has a wicker man.

[Voltan (Man of Steel)]

Prerequisites for villagehood, checklist

- Village green with game of cricket perpetually going on. Even if village green is now middle of roundabout.
- Ruddy-faced blacksmith. Also local smack dealer.
- Pub on every corner with word 'Harvest' or a tree in its name
- Cobbled main street with travel agent and children's bookshop
- Entire male population are aggressive lager louts who do folk dance at weekends
- Book club whose members are murdered on regular basis
- Loudmouthed yuppie who has big house nearby and walks round shouting into oversized mobile phone
- Bench reserved for the use of old people eating ice cream

- Maximum of three surnames

[Twit 2]

Has an abbey or cathedral:  city

My town has an abbey. How do you explain that?

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

.

[Neville Chamberlain]

I am not of the opinion that villages are perfect, quaint ideals, as sometimes patronisingly portrayed in pre-watershed gentle television dramas or in papers like The Guardian.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

My town has an abbey. How do you explain that?

Nonces

[olliebean]

Prerequisites for villagehood, checklist

- Village green with game of cricket perpetually going on. Even if village green is now middle of roundabout.
- Ruddy-faced blacksmith. Also local smack dealer.
- Pub on every corner with word 'Harvest' or a tree in its name
- Cobbled main street with travel agent and children's bookshop
- Entire male population are aggressive lager louts who do folk dance at weekends
- Book club whose members are murdered on regular basis
- Loudmouthed yuppie who has big house nearby and walks round shouting into oversized mobile phone
- Bench reserved for the use of old people eating ice cream

- Anyone who tries to leave gets herded back by a weather balloon

[Dr Rock]

One shop (maybe) with a post office in it (possibly), one pub (if you're lucky). More amenities than that and it's not a village.

[Dr Trouser]

A Hard Wanking Crew indicates the presence of a hamlet.

That's not how you spell helmet

[Paul Calf]

Agreed. Hebden Bridge has all of those and a sub 6,000 population. They have lots of stuff mainly due to lots of visitors on weekends due to being picturesque and on a trainline. Doesn't make it a city.

It doesn't have 'not being in Hebden fucking Bridge' ;)

[Paul Calf]

I'm probably being a bit unfair to Hebden Vegas there; it's a lovely place. But it does very much feel like a place that's far too fucking pleased with itself.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'm probably being a bit unfair to Hebden Vegas there; it's a lovely place. But it does very much feel like a place that's far too fucking pleased with itself.

Based on that documentary in the area not too long ago it is pretty grim to live in and around on the poverty line (though I suppose most places are) and the people interviewed were rather forlorn and desperate rather than smug.

Either way, pretty emphatically not a City.

[Blumf]

My town has an abbey. How do you explain that?

She prefers Abigail.

[Butchers Blind]

Think you can judge a village on how much incest is going on.

[Paul Calf]

Based on that documentary in the area not too long ago it is pretty grim to live in and around on the poverty line (though I suppose most places are) and the people interviewed were rather forlorn and desperate rather than smug.

Either way, pretty emphatically not a City.

I can't imagine what it'd be like to live there on the poverty line. Everything is significantly more expensive than it is in surrounding towns.

[idunnosomename]

A lot of GAMMON in the villAaage

[Mr_Simnock]

One shop (maybe) with a post office in it (possibly), one pub (if you're lucky). More amenities than that and it's not a village.

There are plenty villages with more than that. Slaidburn for example has a pub, a cafe, a small chocolate shop, a post office, a school and church, it's populations is about 350.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Think you can judge a village on how much incest is going on.

Or how many dogs look a bit too like their owners.

[Fr.Bigley]

What about urban villages, one Pret, two cunts on bromptons and three middle class businesses selling 1. Overpriced cheese 2. Overpriced hobby shit or 3. Selling overpriced furniture.

[KaraokeDragon]

'Intermediate settlement', mate. Confusion Over.

No, wait...

[Pranet]

I grew up in a village. It was quite marked how many shops and amenities have gone since then. When I was a kid it had two general shops, a bakery, a newsagent, a post office, a butcher, four pubs and in the next village along which was within walking distance there was a similar mix of things and a bank, takeaway, hardwear shop, library and a few other various shops. Both villages had football teams, next village had a cricket team.

Now I think the village I grew up in has a general shop and a pub and that's it. Not sure if there is still a football team, I know there is no local cricket team. Obviously no bank. Takeaway and library still hanging on so far as I am aware. And a hairdresser I think. Also no buses after about 5 o clock now.

I have never know a village with a cinema. Precovid there was some thing that happened in some villages where they would put a film in in the village hall.

[Tony Tony Tony]

Reckon one of the main perquisites for being a village is that the only entertainment for teens not yet old enough for t'pub is seeing how many can fit in the villages only phone box. 

Most teens no longer have this option on account of a dearth of phone boxes. Is it any wonder they getting so stab happy or running county lines.

[dissolute ocelot]

Village has Tesco Express.
Town has regular Tesco.
City has multiple Tescos including Super/Extra.

I'm not even going to mention burghs.

[Buelligan]

I live in a proper village.  We don't have a mobile phone signal.  We do have a forge that everyone in the village can and does use.  We don't have a shop.  We do have a stone horse trough fed from a spring.  We don't have a bus service.  We do have a man who comes round selling fresh bread and croissants in a little white Renault van.  We don't have a doctor.  We do have an enormous number (out of our under 200 souls) of people married to their relatives.  We also have a two room school.  A large petanque court, a huge statue of Jesus dying and several wineries.  An old lady who can cure burns (even very severe ones) with magic.  And a hunting club that includes at least half the adult males in the place and no women whatsoever.

Voila!  That is a village!

[Pranet]

Reckon one of the main perquisites for being a village is that the only entertainment for teens not yet old enough for t'pub is seeing how many can fit in the villages only phone box. 

Most teens no longer have this option on account of a dearth of phone boxes. Is it any wonder they getting so stab happy or running county lines.

I did indeed spend much of my youth hanging around the phone box.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I live in a proper village.  We don't have a mobile phone signal.  We do have a forge that everyone in the village can and does use.  We don't have a shop.  We do have a stone horse trough fed from a spring.  We don't have a bus service.  We do have a man who comes round selling fresh bread and croissants in a little white Renault van.  We don't have a doctor.  We do have an enormous number (out of our under 200 souls) of people married to their relatives.  We also have a two room school.  A large petanque court, a huge statue of Jesus dying and several wineries.  An old lady who can cure burns (even very severe ones) with magic.  And a hunting club that includes at least half the adult males in the place and no women whatsoever.

Voila!  That is a village!

To the locals, another quirk of the village is that they've got an Englishwoman living in a cave.
Is the forge where you make your halberds and Elven glass armour?

[Das Reboot]

Until last year I was living in a village in Cumbria - an actual village, not fucking Ambleside. It was great. It has a cracking pub, a shop/post office/small cafe and all the natives I met were friendly. It probably helped that it is in the fringes of the national park - so that while tourists do visit, it's not rammed solid with dickheads from June-September.

Easily the best place I've ever lived, but then again some of my previous residences were in Burslem (Stoke) and Barrow-in-Furness.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Are you studiously avoiding telling us where that is in case we ruin it with city ideas like falafel and LGBT rights?

[Sebastian Cobb]

I did indeed spend much of my youth hanging around the phone box.

yeah but you're not that old, I can only assume you got on the smack young?