20 years since them slags smashed into the twin towers...

[imitationleather]

I knew eternity would be a long time, but this is ridiculous!

[idunnosomename]

still no one will shag me!

[evilcommiedictator]

But the IRA didn't just kill people for its own sake, but because they wanted to drive British forces out of Ulster and reunite Ireland independently of us.  What are Islamic terrorists equivalent aims?

Well, being concise, Osama Bin Laden was on record, wanting the establishment of an Islamic caliphate, where all good* Muslims would live. He also said that multiculturalism would lure Muslims away from the true* faith, and he believed that Muslims* should not live side by side with Christians, Atheists etc.
He wanted all Muslims in those countries to come home to the caliphate, make a clear line of demarcation between us and them. Which America and most of the West tried really, really hard to achieve for him in the aftermath, and we're still trying this day to drive out all those pesky Muslims (or Sikhs, if you're an American)

[chveik]

i think it's logically impossible for them to lose their virginity, they will remain virgins for all eternity because passing from the virgin to the non-virgin state would mean the rules of our earthly time would still apply there.

[imitationleather]

i think it's logically impossible for them to lose their virginity, they will remain virgins for all eternity

You implying something about big Mo Attah's sexual prowess there, fellah?

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Achilles CUCKED by Tortoise for all eternity

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Talk about a BAD INFINITY fellas!!

[chveik]

i wish they'd made a sitcom about the adventures of suicide bombers who realize heaven isn't as great as they were told

[Video Game Fan 2000]

That's just The Upper Hand

[MikeP]

suicide bombers who realize heaven isn't as great as they were told

But what if it is...?

[Video Game Fan 2000]

That's just Last Of The Summer Wine

[MikeP]

Welcome to heaven! And here is your first virgin

Sadly, you don't get virgins for martyrdom. There is still some disagreement  but it would seem that it is an error of transcription. If you read the Qur'an the martyr will be rewarded with a number of  dark eyed chaste women to wait upon their lifestyle needs and wives to deal with his more basic needs. Female martyrs get to be young and beautiful and forever live with their favourite husband. I'm betting she'd rather look old and frumpy and muscular to keep the husband at bay, but apparently that's not an option.

And don't tell the martyrs, but the non-martyr will enjoy the same benefits when they rock up later. Presumably the male non-martyrs will be of an age to satisfy the many wives and the martyr will turn up in one piece again.

As time passes the scholars up the ante to make sure they don't run out of volunteers which means there are more learned versions of "what the prophet meant" than the christian churches have. Which is why there is so much in-fighting between muslim followers.

Ain't religion great?

[steve98]

I heared it was raisins (Dried-up old fruits, haha), 72 raisins.
I also heared most of these martyrs are simpletons

[El Unicornio, mang]

I've always kind of assumed that United 93 was shot down, but hushed up. I can at least see why a government would choose to do that unlike the conspiracy theories about lacing buildings with demolition charges.

I doubt that, they were actually pretty open about the fact that they sent jets to bring it down. In the "Surviving 9/11" docu on iPlayer, Heather Penney talks about how her and another pilot were ordered to bring it down, but didn't have time to arm their F-16s so basically would have to ram it, killing themselves in the process, which they both went off to do without any hesitation. In the end they didn't need to of course, but damn imagine going to work one morning and being told you'll be committing suicide as part of the day's duties.

[imitationleather]

imagine going to work one morning and being told you'll be committing suicide as part of the day's duties.

I think we've all had days where we've hoped that would happen.

[El Unicornio, mang]

Haha, fair point

[H-O-W-L]

I doubt that, they were actually pretty open about the fact that they sent jets to bring it down. In the "Surviving 9/11" docu on iPlayer, Heather Penney talks about how her and another pilot were ordered to bring it down, but didn't have time to arm their F-16s so basically would have to ram it, killing themselves in the process, which they both went off to do without any hesitation. In the end they didn't need to of course, but damn imagine going to work one morning and being told you'll be committing suicide as part of the day's duties.

There is a decent chance they could've rammed it and survived, to be fair. Either via ejection or absolute sheer luck-- there's been plenty of cases in historical and recent warfare of jets surviving ramming operations. It's not far off to call it suicidal though. Maybe 25% chance of surviving.

[Lord Mandrake]

I'd give them a 0% chance of surviving ejection at 35,000ft.

[Replies From View]

I doubt that, they were actually pretty open about the fact that they sent jets to bring it down. In the "Surviving 9/11" docu on iPlayer, Heather Penney talks about how her and another pilot were ordered to bring it down, but didn't have time to arm their F-16s so basically would have to ram it, killing themselves in the process, which they both went off to do without any hesitation. In the end they didn't need to of course, but damn imagine going to work one morning and being told you'll be committing suicide as part of the day's duties.

I'd probably say I won't be dying cheers but feel free to ask me to do any other things that don't get me killed.  Sign off with a couple of kisses and leave it

[Replies From View]

I'd give them a 0% chance of surviving ejection at 35,000ft.

Depends if they do it into a sock

[H-O-W-L]

I'd give them a 0% chance of surviving ejection at 35,000ft.

Why so? The largest concern would be temperature. Seats made since the 70s have inbuilt oxygen supplies and altimeters for automatic chute deployment.

[mothman]

Regarding the Hoover Dam as a terrorist target, that reminds me of a documentary a few years back, called something like The Earth After People. It looks at what would happen if humanity suddenly vanished, how the planet would return to nature and all trace of mankind's presence would gradually decay and disappear. One thing it suggested was that, because the Hoover Dam is such a massive humongous chunk of concrete, it would be the last remaining human artefact.

[JaDanketies]

Regarding the Hoover Dam as a terrorist target, that reminds me of a documentary a few years back, called something like The Earth After People. It looks at what would happen if humanity suddenly vanished, how the planet would return to nature and all trace of mankind's presence would gradually decay and disappear. One thing it suggested was that, because the Hoover Dam is such a massive humongous chunk of concrete, it would be the last remaining human artefact.

Life After People, great show, good for background noise when sleeping too

[mothman]

That's the one, thanks JD.

[Lord Mandrake]

Why so? The largest concern would be temperature. Seats made since the 70s have inbuilt oxygen supplies and altimeters for automatic chute deployment.

Yeah I reckon they would be human shaped ice by the time they reach 15,000ft

[touchingcloth]

I've never heard it said explicitly that martyrs receive 72 virgins to be used for sex, just that they receive 72 virgins. I like to imagine that when they get to heaven Allah is just stood there grinning and says "thanks for the Jihad, here are your virgins" and presents them with a 72pc lucky dip of toddlers, dogs and Susan Boyles. Go on, enjoy forevermore, fuckwits.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I'd probably say I won't be dying cheers but feel free to ask me to do any other things that don't get me killed.  Sign off with a couple of kisses and leave it

I'd just send a copy of my out of hours email to them and say something happened with my email and didn't see it till the next day

Any other suicide missions going on today I'm nailed on for mind, just let me know thumbsup

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Why is terrorist the only occupation to have an official suicide version

[jobotic]

The Martyrs I feel sorry for are the Metric ones. I don't know how many of them actually made the ultimate sacrifice, and I can't actually recall any suicide bombings at the metre stick factory, but reckon it must have been a few thousand.

And now heaven is here, in Great Britain, at long last!

[Kankurette]

Why is terrorist the only occupation to have an official suicide version

Pilots? In '40s Japan, anyway. Also presumably anyone who pilots a plane that drops a big old nuclear warhead, if they get caught in the explosion.