Get ready for Christmas :-D

Sideboard Bastard

Started by shiftwork2, September 10, 2021, 02:56:47 PM

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Yes! That's exactly what it stands for! Dreadful Fucking Sideboards incorporating Tallboys For Shit Wankers. FUCKING AVOID.


Suspicious arson attack on MANTELPIECE PURGATORY nearby

The Dog

Got to be honest I don't really know what a sideboard is or what they are for.


Oh you cunt! You cunt of a sideboard!

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

Quote from: The Dog on September 10, 2021, 06:28:44 PM
Got to be honest I don't really know what a sideboard is or what they are for.

It's that thing you keep cocking your leg up and pissing on, you naughty boy.

Mr Farenheit

My house was not a home, until the day I met SIDEBOARD BASTARD


I've got the union jack cushions, union jack rug, and now, a sideboard with union jacks lovingly scratched into the doors[nb]sadly this bit is true :([/nb]. Thanks, SIDEBOARD BASTARD!


"You sure that's where you want it? 'cos after that, that thing's going nowhere, son!" - Thanks, SIDEBOARD BASTARD!

'I paid for you to unpack it and put in a location of my choice, please'. "You've got to be fuckin' kidding, son!" - Thanks, SIDEBOARD BASTARD!


To be honest, I prefer Wardrobe Rapist on the A69 near Corbridge. Better selection of oak items.

The Dog

My mate Dave bought a sideboard from Wardrobe Rapist and it turned out to be a dresser that they'd painted up.

He started drinking after that, lost his job and his wife. He ended up homeless, and living out of his painted-up dresser on a patch of wasteland between Jaxx's Nightclub and Europe's second largest landfill. Used to spend his day wandering around furniture stores staring at the sideboards for hours on end, then shuffling over to the dressers to stare at them for a while, and then back to the sideboards muttering.

So one day, exactly two years after trusting his future to an inferior furniture retailer, fate intervened and he stumbled into SIDEBOARD BASTARD on the A47, stinking of gin and sideboard paint. Security were about to escort him out but the manager Chris Sideboard waved them away, and took Dave into his office where they started talking. After Chris heard his story, he called his manager, Barry Sideboard, and without hesitation SIDEBOARD BASTARD offered to exchange Dave's sham dresser for a full-spec country-style sideboard at absolutely no cost! Then they offered him a job!

Turned out Dave was now a serious authority on sideboards and dressers, and he went on to design some of the most radical and daring sideboards in recent history. You have almost certainly seen one of Dave's sideboards surrounded by Calvin Klein models on a giant billboard, or sharing the screen with Oscar winning actors in numerous Hollywood hits. What really made his fortune though, was when he sold one of his designs to NASA, and it was used for the sideboards on the international space station.

He lives in a big house now, drives a sports car, even got back with his wife. So, basically, whatever else you do, make sure you always buy all your sideboards from SIDEBOARD BASTARD.