Author Topic: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes  (Read 1483 times)

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #60 on: September 16, 2021, 11:44:58 AM »
GET THE CRYSTAL

Cuellar

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #61 on: September 16, 2021, 11:45:41 AM »
get out

FerriswheelBueller

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #62 on: September 16, 2021, 01:18:37 PM »
Right well I’m not spending a crystal to get that complete wanker out, he can fucking rot in there frankly.

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #63 on: September 16, 2021, 09:15:23 PM »
Team has to figure out how to get the crystal. Cheers nice one mate bye arsed cigs.

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #64 on: September 16, 2021, 09:35:27 PM »

Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN.  Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN.  Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN.  Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN.  Dun dun DUN.  Dun dun DUN. Dingle dingle dingle dingle, dingle dingle dingle dingle, Ba ba ba ba bah, ba ba ba ba bah, ba ba ba ba bah dun dun DUN DUN.

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #65 on: September 17, 2021, 12:58:19 AM »
hello im crystal maze

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #66 on: September 17, 2021, 01:28:22 AM »
ge t he cyrs

taL

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #67 on: September 17, 2021, 01:39:56 AM »
cant get the crysal, im from nottingham, everythings damp

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #68 on: September 17, 2021, 07:17:08 AM »
I'd like a mental challenge please Richard.

Right.. build a Rubik's cube out of these heavy blocks of wood with just your arms...Two minutes!


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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #69 on: September 17, 2021, 07:20:21 AM »
hello im crystal maze

hiya creystsl maze mate

Spoon of Ploff

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #70 on: September 17, 2021, 08:41:19 AM »
'hey Gus' remember when we dun the crystal's maze on telly? The team are having a reunion bash, d'you wanna come?'

'.... no.'

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #71 on: September 17, 2021, 09:00:42 AM »
you won a crystal with the misprint I BEAT GHE CRYSTAL MAS


Liquid O’Brien knows it as well when he’s giving it to you.

pancreas

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #72 on: September 17, 2021, 10:32:32 AM »
Don't fall in the acid!

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #73 on: September 17, 2021, 10:33:32 AM »
Don't fall in the acid!

Automatic lock-in if you die in real life

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #74 on: September 17, 2021, 11:14:37 AM »
Industrial zone you have to drop this battery acid onto a baby without the ombudsman seeing

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #75 on: September 17, 2021, 11:33:52 AM »
baby is still attached by umbilical cord to its protesting, gagged mother



I’m going to stick my neck out here and say that this is an unpleasant scenario that doesn’t make me happy






however, the facts of the crystal maze must be recounted for our sanity

pancreas

  • The islets of Langerhans are the very best islets
Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #76 on: September 17, 2021, 01:51:48 PM »
Even if you accepted the necessity of the battery acid to unlock the final gate for the crystal to roll down, the bit where you had to nonce the dangling baby was de trop.

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #77 on: September 17, 2021, 10:23:14 PM »
Harmonica: HWuUaRr-EeA-OoOowwWw!

Richard Burton O'Brien (At the lens): David is currently attempting to complete the sensitive atomic device thingy game - the one where you get locked in if you make three sudden movements. YOU'VE GOT ONE MINUTE LEFT!!!! *To the team* Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then we shall fill you with ourselves.

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #78 on: September 17, 2021, 10:24:30 PM »
Richard Burton O'Brien: Okay, Judith, what game do you want to play in the Medieval Zone?

Judith: I shall select a mental game

Richard Burton O'Brien: A mental game. This one is called team mates shouting at you until you become so tentative you end up losing your entire focus on the task. The clock will commence once the door closes.

The door closes

Judith: Okay... there's plaque on the wall.

David: READ THE PLAQUE

Susan: ALL THE WORDS

Judith: 'The path to the Crystal will open once you solve the puzzle'

Tony: THE PIECE ON THE FLOOR

David: BY YOUR LEFT FOOT

Judith: Wh-wha'?!

David: YOUR LEFT FOOT

Susan: ROTATE IT 90 DEGREES AND SLOT IT IN

Judith: Erm...

DAVID: NO, NOT YOUR FOOT. THE PUZZLE PIECE.

Tony: NEXT TO THE PIECE SHAPED LIKE AN L

David: FUCK! NO, TURN IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

Richard Burton O'Brien (To the lens): If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—forever.

Harmonica: HWLllLluUaRr-WaAh-EeA-OoOowwWw!

Richard Burton O'Brien: TWENTY SECONDS!!

Susan: COMEOUTCOMEOUT

Judith: Whimper.

Electronic Door in the Medieval Zone: Erh-whhhhrrrrrrrr.

Richard Burton O'Brien: Oh, what a shame, Judith. How many crystals am I holding up?

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #79 on: September 17, 2021, 10:33:40 PM »
Richard Ayoade Burton O'Brien: What are your feelings towards Big Brother?

Tony: I hate it!

Richard Ayoade Burton O'Brien: You can't say that, it's a Channel 4 programme.

Tony: It's alright. It moved to Channel 5 and they stopped the series.

Richard Ayoade Burton O'Brien strides away with his hands behind his back, with a clenched fist cane or whatever

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #80 on: September 17, 2021, 11:00:06 PM »
Richard O'Brien: Well, team, you're all present for the final game inside the large crystal.

The team smirk with pride

Richard O'Brien: Trouble is, you bought your locked-in chums with each crystal you successfully earned. You have one crystal from the Mumsy game, which was the penultimate one. Ergo, you have precisely five seconds to collect as many Kit-Kat and Ferrero Rocher wrappers as you can.

Bridge: BLOOP-BLUP-BLOOP!

Triangular Door: HWWWWEEE-CLUNK!

Whistle: PWEEEP!

Music: Bumbum-ba-baah-ditdit-Bumbum-ba-baah-dibbydibbydibby-de-dong!

Whistle: PWEEEP!

Richard O'Brien: You have collected twelve silvers and no golds. These metallic flappers will pay for your coach home. Don't look dejected, for you have each won a 'I Cracked One Off in The Crystal Maze' mantelpiece occupier. *To lens* I think I can hear Mumsy calling me to massage her old tits. Do excuse me. Watch the credits.

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #81 on: September 17, 2021, 11:17:49 PM »
CONTESTANT: What are we supposed to do?

RICHARD O' BRIEN: Get in maze get crystal get out grab pound notes.

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #82 on: September 17, 2021, 11:54:52 PM »
CAN YOU START THE CUM, PLEASE!!

*CUM*

Glebe

  • You must have realism, Spike.
Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #83 on: September 17, 2021, 11:56:21 PM »
ROCKY HORROR: Get crystal, go out.

CONTESTANT: Alright baldy, we know the rules!

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #84 on: September 18, 2021, 12:10:04 AM »
I am Richard Brain. See me prance.

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #85 on: September 18, 2021, 07:47:04 PM »
O'Brien claps his hands and rubs them together

O'Brien: Here we are in the Futuristic Zone. Who wants to take on the Movement-Sensitive Safe game? It's not an 'atomic device' as I previously thought.

Tony: Groan!! Oh no, anything but that.

Susan: I'll give it a go.

O'Brien: The team captain has nominated herself. Really admirable, Susan. You have two minutes to complete the game, and you must not suddenly move or make contact with any objects or else you'll activate a warning light - if you activate three, it's an automatic lock-in. The time starts as soon as the door closes behind you.

Susan raises the safe very slowly and two illuminated circles appear

Team: COMEOUTCOMEOUT

Susan exhales, and the third light is activated

O'Brien: Oh, how unfortunate. I'm sorry, Susan, I'm going to have to l- TO THE CRYSSSSTAAAAL DOOOOOOME

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #86 on: September 22, 2021, 02:13:22 PM »
-Hi everybody, welcome to the Cryst-
-I CLAIM THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL!!!
-haha all in good time. First I'll explain a little bit about the game, give you your jogging suits and-
-GOBLINS IN THE LEVEL!!!
-I'll give you your jogging suits and then you can meet Richard-
-WHO'S READY TO BREAK THEIR BACK FOR THE CRYSTAL KING?! COME ON MATES, LET'S HAVE AT THEM!!!! YEEEAAAAAARGGGHHH!
-now if you ju-
-ONWARD TO CRYTSAL MOUNTAIN!!!! THOSE GOBLINS HAVE OUR CRYSTALS!!!
-YEEEEEEEARRRRRGHHHH LET'S GO!!!
-THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP OUR CRYSTALS!!! FOLLOW ME MATES, WE'LL HAVE WHAT WE ALWAYS WANTED: A DOME OF OUR OWN!!!!
-CRYYYYYYYYYYSTAL
-YEEEEEARRRRGHH!!!
-THERE MATES, THERE STANDS THE GOBLIN KING!!!
-GET HIM!
-COME HERE BALDY! GIVE US OUR CRYSTALS!!!!
-WHERE'S HE KEEPING THEM??
-DON'T YOU SEE? HIS BALD HEAD IS THE CRYSTAL DOME!!!!
-GOBLIN MAGIC!!!
-SMASH IT OPEN!
-SMASH IT!!!!
-YEEEEEEARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!
-UURRRGHH
-OOOYAH
-YEAH, WE GOT 'EM
-This is much better than Strike It Lucky

Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #87 on: September 22, 2021, 02:48:42 PM »
"What is this, baldy? Some kind of maze?"

(plays Stone Fox Chase)

Norton Canes

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Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #88 on: September 22, 2021, 03:06:12 PM »
Over a hundred golds that's the super prize
Fifty to seventy five golds that's the not so super prize
Eighty to ninety golds that's the not so not so super prize
Seventy five to eighty golds that's the not so super not so super prize
Ninety to a hundred golds that's the not so super super not so super prize
Under fifty golds I will shit in your mouth

Norton Canes

  • Pick up the pace with your cracked-out face
Re: The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes
« Reply #89 on: September 22, 2021, 03:06:55 PM »
Minus any silvers

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