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The Crystal Maze except it’s just The Crystal Maze with no changes

Started by popcorn, September 13, 2021, 10:59:36 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Cuellar


Ferris

Right well I'm not spending a crystal to get that complete wanker out, he can fucking rot in there frankly.

Glebe

Team has to figure out how to get the crystal. Cheers nice one mate bye arsed cigs.

badaids


Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN.  Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN.  Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN.  Dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN.  Dun dun DUN.  Dun dun DUN. Dingle dingle dingle dingle, dingle dingle dingle dingle, Ba ba ba ba bah, ba ba ba ba bah, ba ba ba ba bah dun dun DUN DUN.




Spoon of Ploff

I'd like a mental challenge please Richard.

Right.. build a Rubik's cube out of these heavy blocks of wood with just your arms...Two minutes!


Replies From View


Spoon of Ploff

'hey Gus' remember when we dun the crystal's maze on telly? The team are having a reunion bash, d'you wanna come?'

'.... no.'

Replies From View

you won a crystal with the misprint I BEAT GHE CRYSTAL MAS


Liquid O'Brien knows it as well when he's giving it to you.

pancreas


Replies From View


idunnosomename

Industrial zone you have to drop this battery acid onto a baby without the ombudsman seeing

Replies From View

baby is still attached by umbilical cord to its protesting, gagged mother



I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that this is an unpleasant scenario that doesn't make me happy






however, the facts of the crystal maze must be recounted for our sanity

pancreas

Even if you accepted the necessity of the battery acid to unlock the final gate for the crystal to roll down, the bit where you had to nonce the dangling baby was de trop.

DangledTeeth

Harmonica: HWuUaRr-EeA-OoOowwWw!

Richard Burton O'Brien (At the lens): David is currently attempting to complete the sensitive atomic device thingy game - the one where you get locked in if you make three sudden movements. YOU'VE GOT ONE MINUTE LEFT!!!! *To the team* Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then we shall fill you with ourselves.

DangledTeeth

Richard Burton O'Brien: Okay, Judith, what game do you want to play in the Medieval Zone?

Judith: I shall select a mental game

Richard Burton O'Brien: A mental game. This one is called team mates shouting at you until you become so tentative you end up losing your entire focus on the task. The clock will commence once the door closes.

The door closes

Judith: Okay... there's plaque on the wall.

David: READ THE PLAQUE

Susan: ALL THE WORDS

Judith: 'The path to the Crystal will open once you solve the puzzle'

Tony: THE PIECE ON THE FLOOR

David: BY YOUR LEFT FOOT

Judith: Wh-wha'?!

David: YOUR LEFT FOOT

Susan: ROTATE IT 90 DEGREES AND SLOT IT IN

Judith: Erm...

DAVID: NO, NOT YOUR FOOT. THE PUZZLE PIECE.

Tony: NEXT TO THE PIECE SHAPED LIKE AN L

David: FUCK! NO, TURN IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

Richard Burton O'Brien (To the lens): If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—forever.

Harmonica: HWLllLluUaRr-WaAh-EeA-OoOowwWw!

Richard Burton O'Brien: TWENTY SECONDS!!

Susan: COMEOUTCOMEOUT

Judith: Whimper.

Electronic Door in the Medieval Zone: Erh-whhhhrrrrrrrr.

Richard Burton O'Brien: Oh, what a shame, Judith. How many crystals am I holding up?

DangledTeeth

Richard Ayoade Burton O'Brien: What are your feelings towards Big Brother?

Tony: I hate it!

Richard Ayoade Burton O'Brien: You can't say that, it's a Channel 4 programme.

Tony: It's alright. It moved to Channel 5 and they stopped the series.

Richard Ayoade Burton O'Brien strides away with his hands behind his back, with a clenched fist cane or whatever

DangledTeeth

Richard O'Brien: Well, team, you're all present for the final game inside the large crystal.

The team smirk with pride

Richard O'Brien: Trouble is, you bought your locked-in chums with each crystal you successfully earned. You have one crystal from the Mumsy game, which was the penultimate one. Ergo, you have precisely five seconds to collect as many Kit-Kat and Ferrero Rocher wrappers as you can.

Bridge: BLOOP-BLUP-BLOOP!

Triangular Door: HWWWWEEE-CLUNK!

Whistle: PWEEEP!

Music: Bumbum-ba-baah-ditdit-Bumbum-ba-baah-dibbydibbydibby-de-dong!

Whistle: PWEEEP!

Richard O'Brien: You have collected twelve silvers and no golds. These metallic flappers will pay for your coach home. Don't look dejected, for you have each won a 'I Cracked One Off in The Crystal Maze' mantelpiece occupier. *To lens* I think I can hear Mumsy calling me to massage her old tits. Do excuse me. Watch the credits.

Glebe

CONTESTANT: What are we supposed to do?

RICHARD O' BRIEN: Get in maze get crystal get out grab pound notes.


Glebe

ROCKY HORROR: Get crystal, go out.

CONTESTANT: Alright baldy, we know the rules!


DangledTeeth

O'Brien claps his hands and rubs them together

O'Brien: Here we are in the Futuristic Zone. Who wants to take on the Movement-Sensitive Safe game? It's not an 'atomic device' as I previously thought.

Tony: Groan!! Oh no, anything but that.

Susan: I'll give it a go.

O'Brien: The team captain has nominated herself. Really admirable, Susan. You have two minutes to complete the game, and you must not suddenly move or make contact with any objects or else you'll activate a warning light - if you activate three, it's an automatic lock-in. The time starts as soon as the door closes behind you.

Susan raises the safe very slowly and two illuminated circles appear

Team: COMEOUTCOMEOUT

Susan exhales, and the third light is activated

O'Brien: Oh, how unfortunate. I'm sorry, Susan, I'm going to have to l- TO THE CRYSSSSTAAAAL DOOOOOOME

Mr Farenheit

-Hi everybody, welcome to the Cryst-
-I CLAIM THE GOLDEN CRYSTAL!!!
-haha all in good time. First I'll explain a little bit about the game, give you your jogging suits and-
-GOBLINS IN THE LEVEL!!!
-I'll give you your jogging suits and then you can meet Richard-
-WHO'S READY TO BREAK THEIR BACK FOR THE CRYSTAL KING?! COME ON MATES, LET'S HAVE AT THEM!!!! YEEEAAAAAARGGGHHH!
-now if you ju-
-ONWARD TO CRYTSAL MOUNTAIN!!!! THOSE GOBLINS HAVE OUR CRYSTALS!!!
-YEEEEEEEARRRRRGHHHH LET'S GO!!!
-THEY'RE NOT GOING TO KEEP OUR CRYSTALS!!! FOLLOW ME MATES, WE'LL HAVE WHAT WE ALWAYS WANTED: A DOME OF OUR OWN!!!!
-CRYYYYYYYYYYSTAL
-YEEEEEARRRRGHH!!!
-THERE MATES, THERE STANDS THE GOBLIN KING!!!
-GET HIM!
-COME HERE BALDY! GIVE US OUR CRYSTALS!!!!
-WHERE'S HE KEEPING THEM??
-DON'T YOU SEE? HIS BALD HEAD IS THE CRYSTAL DOME!!!!
-GOBLIN MAGIC!!!
-SMASH IT OPEN!
-SMASH IT!!!!
-YEEEEEEARRRRRRGHHHHH!!!!!
-UURRRGHH
-OOOYAH
-YEAH, WE GOT 'EM
-This is much better than Strike It Lucky


Norton Canes

Over a hundred golds that's the super prize
Fifty to seventy five golds that's the not so super prize
Eighty to ninety golds that's the not so not so super prize
Seventy five to eighty golds that's the not so super not so super prize
Ninety to a hundred golds that's the not so super super not so super prize
Under fifty golds I will shit in your mouth