Fancying people who work in shops.

[Huxleys Babkins]

This is the creepiest fucking thread.

It is not okay to hit on people who are working. That's basic. There is a power imbalance between you, they probably don't want to be there, they can't get away, and they are professionally and socially required to be friendly. It is not romantic. It is gross.

Get yourselves onto a dating app to express your romantic urges appropriately. Everyone needs to have their cards on the table, to be open to an encounter being a date, which obviously isn't the case when they're working in a Co-op.

Conversely, my grandad met my gran when she was working as an usherette at the cinema and my dad met my mum when she was working as a barmaid at his local. One of my uncles met my auntie when she was working on the reception at a GP surgery.

Bit sad that the idea of meeting someone, fancying them and asking them out is now seen as "creepy" and that the only "appropriate" way to meet a woman is to use an app. Putting all potential human relationships solely into the hands of big tech and looking for a partner to share your life with in the same way you might shop for a car couldn't possibly go wrong.

[JaDanketies]

Sorry guys but your dads and granddads were all MRA sex pests. My parents met through a hole my grandma cut in a bedsheet.

[Better Midlands]

Bit sad that the idea of meeting someone, fancying them and asking them out is now seen as "creepy"

Multiple threads on Mumsnet imply that this is pretty much true.

[Mobbd]

How did people ask each other out and get together before dating apps existed then?

I knew this would come up, but it's irrelevant. We have them now. And there are plenty of other ways,  time-honoured and new, of meeting people. No shade on how our grandparents all met, but if you think "that's how it was done in the 1950s/60s" is a good defence for this sort of behaviour, you're barking up the wrong tree. It is now (correctly) considered bad etiquette to hit on people when they're working.

[Mobbd]

Bit sad that the idea of meeting someone, fancying them and asking them out is now seen as "creepy" and that the only "appropriate" way to meet a woman is to use an app.

Being served by someone in a shop is not "meeting" them.

Chat up someone in the pub or at a party or a gig or a social club or at an arranged-in-advance (through an app or otherwise) date where you're on the same page.

[Wonderful Butternut]

Lol are some posts in this thread for fucking real?

Hitting on someone when they're working in a customer service role and are obliged to be at least civil to you is dickish. The fact that there are occasional successes among the many, many instances of "ha ha ha no thanks (Eeew. Go away you fucking weirdo, I'm trying earn a minimum wage in peace)" doesn't change that.

As for "WeLl HoW do PpL mEeT wItHouT DaTinG ApPs?", have you heard of the pub? Concerts? Through mutual friends? Through hobbies? Through fucking anything where one party is not obliged by their circumstances to tolerate unwanted approaches?

I'd say nearly every adult on the fucking planet has at some point developed a crush in a situation where it was not appropriate to pursue it. I certainly have. It's unfortunate, but you suck it up and get on with your life.

[Jockice]

Lol are some posts in this thread for fucking real?

Hitting on someone when they're working in a customer service role and are obliged to be at least civil to you is dickish. The fact that there are occasional successes among the many, many instances of "ha ha ha no thanks (Eeew. Go away you fucking weirdo, I'm trying earn a minimum wage in peace)" doesn't change that.

As for "WeLl HoW do PpL mEeT wItHouT DaTinG ApPs?", have you heard of the pub? Concerts? Through mutual friends? Through hobbies? Through fucking anything where one party is not obliged by their circumstances to tolerate unwanted approaches?

Yeah, sod the occasional success. Maybe we should tell them all to split up now because they didn't get together in the appropriate manner. Do you want to know how I met my partner and previous ones? Maybe then you can judge them to see if it's okay. Because of course your opinion matters ever so much to me. But I can tell you that none of them were through dating apps. The one time I tried a lonely hearts type thing I got the grand total of zero replies. Because I was honest.

PS, I love people who do the 'occasional capital, occasional small letter' bit to show someone else's perceived lack of intelligence. It's really imaginative and clever. Well done you!

[Retinend]

Right or wrong, it completely depends on the two individuals involved and whether there's an attraction between them or not. I don't understand the need for a general ruling on this grey-zone of romantic etiquette.

I would say it's a good rule of thumb that a person in a service role is probably just being nice out of professionalism, but - y'know - maybe it's more. Err on the side of caution, but you will never know for sure until you ask. Carpe diem.

[Better Midlands]

As for "WeLl HoW do PpL mEeT wItHouT DaTinG ApPs?", have you heard of the pub? Concerts? Through mutual friends? Through hobbies? Through fucking anything where one party is not obliged by their circumstances to tolerate unwanted approaches?

Cue: "Can't I Just Go To Pub/Concert With Friends Without Being Hit On By Creepy Men?" &
"Can't I Just Do My Hobby Without Being Hit On By Creepy Men?" threads.

[Cloud]

Wondered how long it'd take the hand wringers to show up and start the next 17 pages of arguments.  Thread was interesting while it lasted

[Wonderful Butternut]

Yeah, sod the occasional success. Maybe we should tell them all to split up now because they didn't get together in the appropriate manner. Do you want to know how I met my partner and previous ones? Maybe then you can judge them to see if it's okay. Because of course your opinion matters ever so much to me. But I can tell you that none of them were through dating apps. The one time I tried a lonely hearts type thing I got the grand total of zero replies. Because I was honest.

PS, I love people who do the 'occasional capital, occasional small letter' bit to show someone else's perceived lack of intelligence. It's really imaginative and clever. Well done you!

Yes pointing out that successes are outweighed by unwanted advances, and that should be a consideration in how hitting on people who work in customers service should be viewed, is the same thing as telling anyone who met in a shop to split up and forget the ever met each other. The point is, as Mobbd says, being served by someone is not the same as meeting them and more often than not it's going to be awkward and unwanted. And that doesn't doesn't change because you're able to relate individual stories about how you, or your grandad, or your mate successfully picked up someone with whom they had no previous relationship beyond server / customer. I'm sorry if this is too nuanced for you. And trying to present a binary situation where the only options are dating apps or asking whomever is behind the counter at your local co-op out is beyond idiotic, so I treated the idea with the derision it deserved.

If my opinion doesn't matter to you, and you and all your friends have spent your whole lives drowning in fanny from girls you chatted up in shops, why bother getting asspained about it?

[Mobbd]

Right or wrong, it completely depends on the two individuals involved and whether there's an attraction between them or not. I don't understand the need for a general ruling on this grey-zone of romantic etiquette.

I would say it's a good rule of thumb that a person in a service role is probably just being nice out of professionalism, but - y'know - maybe it's more. Err on the side of caution, but you will never know for sure until you ask. Carpe diem.

Yeah, but the person working the checkout desk doesn't have a say in whether there's any attraction. They're just doing their job (probably under duress) and now they're being hit on by someone they don't know and have to assume is dangerous.

I'm not a hand-wringer, guys, and neither is WonderfulButternut. This is honestly basic. See also: mentioning people's race, stroking a guide dog, assuming it's okay to smoke indoors. It's an etiquette thing. In the 21st Century, hitting on people who are working is generally understood to be bad behaviour.

Genuinely feel for people who have crushes on strangers because it must be hard. But you mustn't indulge it, you have to get over it. Sorry.

[SpiderChrist]

Yes pointing out that successes are outweighed by unwanted advances, and that should be a consideration in how hitting on people who work in customers service should be viewed, is the same thing as telling anyone who met in a shop to split up and forget the ever met each other. The point is, as Mobbd says, being served by someone is not the same as meeting them and more often than not it's going to be awkward and unwanted. And that doesn't doesn't change because you're able to relate individual stories about how you, or your grandad, or your mate successfully picked up someone with whom they had no previous relationship beyond server / customer. I'm sorry if this is too nuanced for you. And trying to present a binary situation where the only options are dating apps or asking whomever is behind the counter at your local co-op out is beyond idiotic, so I treated the idea with the derision it deserved.

If my opinion doesn't matter to you, and you and all your friends have spent your whole lives drowning in fanny from girls you chatted up in shops, why bother getting asspained about it?

What time do you get off, gorgeous?

[JaDanketies]

can we perhaps say that there's a middle-ground, there's one way of chatting someone up while they're working in a customer service role and there's another way, and one way is okay and the other one is bad? About a year ago I went to the wedding of someone who met when he chatted her up while she was working as the barmaid. And I've seen a lot of gross men make disgusting sexual overtones and advances towards barmaids that I knew were untoward. And maybe you can even tell sometimes when someone is flirting with you vs being nice to you. Maybe it's okay if you're a relatively pleasant, friendly and attractive person who is around the same age as the person you're talking to and becomes less okay the further you get away from that ideal. It doesn't really have to be polarised. I'm sure we all know there's a middle ground. Let's pretend we're all talking about that middle ground.

Also most people itt have talked about fancying people but haven't said they approached them or made anything of it. So it's all hypothetical. Presumably they could tell that the receptionist didn't fancy them back. Maybe if they work at your local bar or your corner shop, you might even have more than a regular customer relationship with them and you might stay behind chatting and flirting. Probably not though which is why hardly anyone itt even approached anyone

[Chollis]

Richard Curtis considers re-writing everything

[Mr_Simnock]

Yeah, but the person working the checkout desk doesn't have a say in whether there's any attraction. They're just doing their job (probably under duress) and now they're being hit on by someone they don't know and have to assume is dangerous.

I'm not a hand-wringer, guys, and neither is WonderfulButternut. This is honestly basic. See also: mentioning people's race, stroking a guide dog, assuming it's okay to smoke indoors. It's an etiquette thing. In the 21st Century, hitting on people who are working is generally understood to be bad behaviour.

Genuinely feel for people who have crushes on strangers because it must be hard. But you mustn't indulge it, you have to get over it. Sorry.

Fuck off

[Emotional Support Peacock]

I'd have to agree there is a middle way, in erring on the side of extreme caution. Don't "come on" to someone in a shop you know nothing about, but if you've chatted enough with them that you feel there is a real connection, cautiously test the waters.

[Jockice]

Yes pointing out that successes are outweighed by unwanted advances, and that should be a consideration in how hitting on people who work in customers service should be viewed, is the same thing as telling anyone who met in a shop to split up and forget the ever met each other. The point is, as Mobbd says, being served by someone is not the same as meeting them and more often than not it's going to be awkward and unwanted. And that doesn't doesn't change because you're able to relate individual stories about how you, or your grandad, or your mate successfully picked up someone with whom they had no previous relationship beyond server / customer. I'm sorry if this is too nuanced for you. And trying to present a binary situation where the only options are dating apps or asking whomever is behind the counter at your local co-op out is beyond idiotic, so I treated the idea with the derision it deserved.

If my opinion doesn't matter to you, and you and all your friends have spent your whole lives drowning in fanny from girls you chatted up in shops, why bother getting asspained about it?

Ooh, nuance eh? Would you like to show me where I've presented a binary situation? Go on, I can wait*.  Or even where I've shared individual stories? The only stories I've shared on this thread have been my own, none of which  exactly show me as a great romantic success and all dating (hey, see what I did there?) back to either last century or the very early years of this one. And including one in which I got asked out by someone I hardly knew and had no reason to imagine I''d be receptive to his approaches. I wasn't offended by that though. And yes, I realise that that might not be the case for everyone. That's what I'd call nuance. Accepting that every individual has had different experiences so will behave and react to things differently.

'Drowning in fanny?" You see, I'd never use a phrase like that. Because I'm neither Jay from The Inbetweeners nor trying to prove how anti-sexist I am while actually being extremely sexist.

(*In fact I'm not waiting. I have much bigger things to deal with at the moment than having pointless arguments with wankers on websites. So have a nice day, week life, whatever. I won't be replying no matter how much you try to wind me up.)

Modified to add that incidentally the bloke who asked me out worked in a shop near my workplace that I occasionally bought stuff from and may have met me that way. I'm not sure though. If so he had he left no impression on me. He just started saying hello when our paths crossed, then asked me if I would go for a coffee one day, during which he told me what he thought of me. I was sorry that I couldn't reciprocate but I didn't start thinking: "How dare he ask me out!" or 'how dare I be approached by a shop assistant who wants to get off with me. Doesn't he know his place? I'll complain to his manager.' I sort of admired his bravery if anything. As I said he had no idea of my sexuality or if I could have turned really nasty.  Or was I leading him on by saying hello back to him then having brief conversations and then agreeing to pop into a coffee place with him when we bumped into each other that day? Like I said, different people do things differently  It's that old devil called nuance again.

[madhair60]

I agree that "hitting on" people at work is unwelcome at best but this thread seems to be full of people just sort of wistfully talking about the awkward folly of youth in a relatable if male-centric way

[ProvanFan]

Phil Oakey needs locking up.

[tookish]

I've never asked someone out in a shop, but I have worked in a shop and been asked out a lot of times (humblebrag, haha). I hate it because I am literally being paid to be polite, I can't tell them to fuck off even if they're disgusting to me, and I can't leave if I feel uncomfortable. I've never welcomed it and nor has anyone I've ever worked with. I think what people who ask retail workers out fail to understand is that if they personally feel awkward, they can change shops, but retail workers can't exactly change workplaces to avoid awkwardness.

[ProvanFan]

The woman who cut my hair until I was 11ish had a nice arse. And oh boy, the way she talked me out of getting that shaved-except-for-the-fringe do. Might as well have whispered "fuck me all night long" into my ear.

Just to clarify, I never asked out her out. And I think her disappointment was reflected in the final few haircuts she gave me.

[The Ombudsman]

I had a reasonably chatty relationship with a lady in the local Coop near where I used to work. I never assume anyone is interested in me so just sort of chat and go about my business being friendly to everyone. Anyway, when it was quiet one day she suggested we went for a drink, which threw me completely. I said I had a partner and was very flattered but felt I'd somehow led this young lass on.

It was the only shop around so had to keep going back and reliving the event every time to both our embarrassment.

I did feel very flattered indeed though.

As per the other conversation, I've certainly fancied ladies in shops etc but would never say anything. As others have said their politeness is likely mandated as part of the job and isn't directed at any one customer. That said, I can understand why people would make some sort of a move. I don't understand flirting and rely on clear verbal intent, which limits one rather. I also find the whole thing quite frightening and intimidating.

[Cloud]

Never actually asked anyone out in retail or whatever.

Agree with nuance, that it's possibly okay in some circumstances when there's a genuine 2-way connection and it's not just "hitting on random shop worker who's not shown any interest", but I'd apply that to other situations also.  The problem of course is lonely and inexperienced guys often having no real ability to discern between "genuine 2-way connection" and "they're just being polite and friendly".  Always assume it's the latter if at all unsure.

[The Mollusk]

Fuck off

Here he is, king dick's here to show us how it's done

[Thursday]

I agree that "hitting on" people at work is unwelcome at best but this thread seems to be full of people just sort of wistfully talking about the awkward folly of youth in a relatable if male-centric way

Yeah I don't understand the YOU CREEPS posts. The thread seems to be mostly people aware of this. Not many people seems to be arguing that it's always good and fine to do?

[Gurke and Hare]

can we perhaps say that there's a middle-ground, there's one way of chatting someone up while they're working in a customer service role and there's another way, and one way is okay and the other one is bad? About a year ago I went to the wedding of someone who met when he chatted her up while she was working as the barmaid. And I've seen a lot of gross men make disgusting sexual overtones and advances towards barmaids that I knew were untoward. And maybe you can even tell sometimes when someone is flirting with you vs being nice to you. Maybe it's okay if you're a relatively pleasant, friendly and attractive person who is around the same age as the person you're talking to and becomes less okay the further you get away from that ideal. It doesn't really have to be polarised. I'm sure we all know there's a middle ground. Let's pretend we're all talking about that middle ground.

Is it fair to say that bar work is a bit different from retail work in this regard - perhaps depending on the kind of establishment? If you're working behind the bar in a pub, I think there's an assumption that it will entail some genuine social interaction with customers during quieter times, and over time a genuine rapport could build up with regular customers that could reasonably include mutual attraction. Another difference from retail would be that in a well run pub a customer who oversteps the mark in interaction with staff is more likely to be metaphorically slapped down, without the customer is always right crap that big retailers might assume. Obviously if it's a busy Friday night in a noisy city centre bar, that's a different thing and customers would likely have the same distance as from retail workers.

[Pancake]

I took a shine to a girl who worked in the old Trocadero hmv. Luckily I actually saw her out in the pub I was in and approached her, NOT my style at all but I had 'I followed you around your workplace' as a bulletproof opening gambit. She was beautiful in a velvet underground groupie kind of way. Unfortunately she was German so she was never going to get my references to Cyberzone with Craig Charles or Fuse bars. But the real nail in the coffin of our fledgling relationship was her rescue cat which had weeping mange all over its neck. I ghosted her soon after.

[Blinder Data]

Genuinely feel for people who have crushes on strangers because it must be hard. But you mustn't indulge it, you have to get over it. Sorry.

There is a middle ground between harassing customer service workers and plucking up the courage to ask someone out if you think there's a spark, you know. You make it sound like fancying someone you don't really know is like a sin which must be repented.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

don't be weird crabbers