The people who include the shy one

[bgmnts]

They're fucking ace arent they? Like I imagine a few of you are, i'm one of those unapproachable, quiet people in a group, my voice lowers and I dont really get to participate in conversation, so it can be a struggle. But, every so often, there is that one person who will actually talk to the one not really saying anything or on the outside.

Just a shout out to you folk, it's sort of a courageous, open minded thing to do.

[Sebastian Cobb]

I tried this with a very quiet bloke at work and he answered a few questions in a very perfunctory fashion then put an end to it with "I'm not really much of a talker". Alright mate, fair enough.

[tookish]

As an ex-shy person I always try to talk to people on the periphery. They have a lot to say. It takes patience to draw you out but it is always worth the wait

[Glebe]

Yes, it's always much appreciated when people are considerate and try to include people in group, especially with blokes who can be a bit insensitive and hur hur hur football cigs lads not arsed.

[shiftwork2]

Have you been reading / listening to Bob bgmnts?

[ImmaculateClump]

I tried this with a very quiet bloke at work and he answered a few questions in a very perfunctory fashion then put an end to it with "I'm not really much of a talker". Alright mate, fair enough.

That's proper shyness though, innit? Saying whatever it takes to make the conversation stop?
He'd have spat in your eye if he had to.
I wouldn't take it personally, it's like if he was afraid of the dentist and you were coming at him with a big whirring drill.

[Sebastian Cobb]

That's proper shyness though, innit? Saying whatever it takes to make the conversation stop?
He'd have spat in your eye if he had to.
I wouldn't take it personally, it's like if he was afraid of the dentist and you were coming at him with a big whirring drill.

I was alright with it, I can be quite quiet too but we were both at the far end of a chat and could barely hear it so I thought I'd chime in.

He's a nice guy, been out with him for after work drinks at something where we were all nipping off and there was a bit where it was basically both of us casually drinking and saying very little until we both had to nip, off. Normally you'd make your excuses as soon as you've finished your drink wouldn't you.

[Magnum Valentino]

Have you been reading / listening to Bob bgmnts?

My reaction also.

[bgmnts]

Have you been reading / listening to Bob bgmnts?

I did finish And Away the other day but nah this is from personal experience at my new workplace.

[rectorofstiffkey]

They're fucking ace arent they? Like I imagine a few of you are, i'm one of those unapproachable, quiet people in a group, my voice lowers and I dont really get to participate in conversation, so it can be a struggle. But, every so often, there is that one person who will actually talk to the one not really saying anything or on the outside.

Just a shout out to you folk, it's sort of a courageous, open minded thing to do.

Twenty years ago, I went to some sort of workshop in the City of London.  Was massively out of place as a PhD student, everyone else was braying at each other and sharing in-jokes.  Sitting by myself with a coffee before the thing started, a suited man comes in, gets his coffee, comes up to me and says "I don't know anyone here, would you be kind enough to talk to me?".  We had a nice chat and I stopped feeling massively out of place.  After the workshop people kept saying hello to him, turned out he was an expert in it and knew everyone.  He was just being kind to the scruffy student.  Bless you, nice City man whose name I never knew.

[rectorofstiffkey]

I tried this with a very quiet bloke at work and he answered a few questions in a very perfunctory fashion then put an end to it with "I'm not really much of a talker". Alright mate, fair enough.

Someone I met had a boss who was a bit along this line.  Apparently the conversation went like this on one of his first mornings, when they met in the staff kitchen:
Person I met: "Morning David.  Having a good day?"
Boss:  "Look - I don't do small talk."

I feel a bit lucky, because I interviewed for the job with the horrible boss, but didn't get it.  I met the 'lucky' candidate when we both went for another job six months later (he could no longer stand horrible boss) and got talking. 

[Sebastian Cobb]

Nah it wasn't really like that, I know of people who've done that, more or less, I almost admire it because I sometimes just give short answers until people leave me alone which is more cowardly and worse.

This guy was a nice guy, I knew he was a bit shy but he still came out to things, but he once had some videocall for something or other and invited me along because it was related to what I did and when he was leading the call I realised just how shy he was as normally there's other people around as a distraction, he was shaking and clearly struggling, I couldn't really help much either as I didn't know enough to guide and am not charismatic enough to wing stuff, as far as I knew I was there to answer some specific questions if they came up.

I get a bit shaky if I have to present in front of people and stuff but the buffer of videocalls or even one-to-one-or-a-couple-of-people is basically fine for me, I guess that made him feel more put on the spot.

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

Yeah no worries mate

[Cuellar]

As a shy person with absolutely nothing to say, please leave me alone. Thanks.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Anyway, Pancreas, I hear you play the organ!

[mothman]

I was the shy one. Now I know I'm autistic, but back then I self-identified as shy. The IT support guy who turned up and quietly fixed people's PCs then slipped away unnoticed and ignored. This was a law firm, IT were the lowest of the low.

And then one day I was in the marketing department and the new account exec started talking to me. A lifelong friendship was born. I became a member of a small clique of marketing and finance staff. We'd hang out after work. At weekends. Painting the town red three or four nights a week. We even went on a boozy holiday to Skiathos together.

And they changed my life in the single most important way possible. A wine bar on Gray's Inn Road. Red Nose Day, 2001. I'd turned up late, thinking the night was going to be a bust. Instead, I got chatted up. By MrsMoth.

As she said later, "You were just sitting there quietly at the bar, and I thought, I'm going to go talk to him..."

[flotemysost]

I've been feeling really self-conscious in work meetings recently, namely, I'm worried that I blurt stuff out and talk over people and I've actually just been a rude entitled cunt for years and just not realised. The thing is, people talk over me/don't let me talk in work meetings (especially senior managers) a lot and sometimes the only way to make myself heard is to butt in, otherwise the conversation's gonna move on and I'll be forgotten.

Although recently I've been told I do this in social situations too, which I honestly didn't realise I was doing, and which makes me feel like utter shit. I have fuckawful self esteem which sometimes manifests as seeming "shy", but on the flipside there must be people who just think I'm a rude, gobby cunt for always interrupting, but really I'm just scared I'll be talked over and ignored and then I'll forget what I was going to say because that's happened so so so many times. Am I mad, or does anyone else have this?

[Captain Z]

Twenty years ago, I went to some sort of workshop in the City of London.  Was massively out of place as a PhD student, everyone else was braying at each other and sharing in-jokes.  Sitting by myself with a coffee before the thing started, a suited man comes in, gets his coffee, comes up to me and says "I don't know anyone here, would you be kind enough to talk to me?".  We had a nice chat and I stopped feeling massively out of place.  After the workshop people kept saying hello to him, turned out he was an expert in it and knew everyone.  He was just being kind to the scruffy student.  Bless you, nice City man whose name I never knew.

If that was me, I would assume I was being tested. And had failed.

[Milo]

I was the shy one. Now I know I'm autistic, but back then I self-identified as shy.

Me too! Think so anyway. Probably would have been helpful if I'd discovered it three decades ago rather than this year but there we go. I'm not absolutely certain, no formal diagnosis or owt, but makes sense of a lot of things.

[Dr Rock]

I would ALWAYS make the effort to talk the the quietest or shyest in any group. _{if she was the most attractive}

[phantom_power]

They're fucking ace arent they? Like I imagine a few of you are, i'm one of those unapproachable, quiet people in a group, my voice lowers and I dont really get to participate in conversation, so it can be a struggle. But, every so often, there is that one person who will actually talk to the one not really saying anything or on the outside.

Just a shout out to you folk, it's sort of a courageous, open minded thing to do.

They are ace. I remember when I was at college and was going through a bit of a rough period where I was lacking in confidence and not very chatty and I was in a room with some people doing my thing of thinking of interesting or funny things to say and then second-guessing whether they were shit or not before the conversation changed and the chance went to say them. The bloke sat next to me said "you're not really a talker are you" and I mumbled some sort of agreement expecting him to talk the piss or ask why, but he just said "more of a listener aren't you" and I don't think I have ever felt more "seen" as the young people these days say. I don't really remember the conversation after that but it has stuck with me, along with some other times when people were similarly kind when they didn't need to be.

Hats off to them

[monkfromhavana]

I'm a shy one, and I'd love to help out other shy people, but I would be worried that they weren't actually shy and would tell me to fuck off with their eyes.

[IsavedLatin]

Twenty years ago, I went to some sort of workshop in the City of London.  Was massively out of place as a PhD student, everyone else was braying at each other and sharing in-jokes.  Sitting by myself with a coffee before the thing started, a suited man comes in, gets his coffee, comes up to me and says "I don't know anyone here, would you be kind enough to talk to me?".  We had a nice chat and I stopped feeling massively out of place.  After the workshop people kept saying hello to him, turned out he was an expert in it and knew everyone.  He was just being kind to the scruffy student.  Bless you, nice City man whose name I never knew.

This is a vastly more suave way of putting it than I've ever put it in such situations; in fish-out-of-water social situations, I tend to barrel up to people and gormlessly say, "Excuse me, do you mind if I pick on you for conversation?" Also I am not selflessly being generous like nice City man, I'm truly picking on strangers to get them to pass the time of day with me.

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

I think this is me, to an extent.  I think it helps that I was always a massive pain in the arse extrovert, but suffered from really bad social anxiety during my sixth form/uni days until I got lucky and it sort of just stopped. I think it's what makes me an empath who can read everyone's emotions and make everyone have a brilliant time sympathetic to shy/insecure/anxious people in social situations, and fairly alright at knowing how to bring people out of their shell in a low-stress way.

I also think it's because I'm a narcissistic cunt who doesn't shut up, so having an extended circle that's largely loads of quiet, sensitive people means I can dominate conversation and not get threatened by other gobshites.  We did fucking myers briggs shit and everyone was an I except me I think, and I was like 85% E or something.  I think the dynamic works, or they all think I'm a nobhead but don't want to say.

[wooders1978]

As an occasional shy person it grates me a bit, I'm in a "shy"/probable (ok, definite) anxiety moment and don't really need coaxing out of my shell thanks all the same as it is after all a nice gesture that should be appreciated

[billyandthecloneasaurus]

As an occasional shy person it grates me a bit, I'm in a "shy"/probable (ok, definite) anxiety moment and don't really need coaxing out of my shell thanks all the same as it is after all a nice gesture that should be appreciated

oh yeah, I think trying to "bring someone out of their shell" when they're having an actual anxiety moment is a terrible idea, bit like having an intervention or some shit, especially in a big group.  i remember when i was having a shit time with social anxiety, people would sometimes really unsubtly be like AH, but what about YOU billy :) :) what do you think??.  Great, now I have to deal with performance anxiety and paranoia that everyone knows I'm an awkward mess.  I get sweaty palms if i think too hard about the times back then when people would try to drag me onto the fucking dance floor.

i mean more in terms of like, i dunno...  there's this lad i'm mates with who's REALLY funny and really smart and sharp and a great conversationalist, but he's SO quiet, and even in a group of other shy-ish people, he can get ignored and drowned out, and it's nice to get him involved.  it's just not being really cack handed and unsubtle about it.

[Cloud]

Hell yeah.  I try to do the same when I can, when that situation comes up.  Us quiet folk got to stick together.

And as above, it's very important (to me anyway) to make the distinction between including someone and trying to pry them out of their shell.  As a very quiet and shy person myself but also to some degree just plain old antisocial (but honest!) I like to be included but don't like the type who get right in your face criticising you for being quiet and trying to "fix" you like you're broken and that it just takes 5 minutes from some gobby extrovert (with no disrespect to billy, honestly!  That sounded way more insulting than intended!) to make you "better".
But really love the ones who include.
Also by include I don't necessarily mean in that "what about you hmmm" thing where you're put in the spot in a conversation, but the "someone notices you exist and has a chat" thing, which could naturally progress into getting further into the group.
But I also mean, and a nice thing I picked up from billy's comment there, being amplified if necessary.  I am definitely one of those who when I DO have something I want to say, just tends to get drowned out.

[peanutbutter]

I used to think I was shy, turns out I'm more just bored and easily distracted; totally unable to keep track of a conversation as a result.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

People have done this for me before and I appreciated it so try to do the same if I see similar, however only normally in large groups and after a few beers in which case I am probably not in prime talking to position. Just take my token sympathy and kindly ear you social gargoyles.

[flotemysost]

And as above, it's very important (to me anyway) to make the distinction between including someone and trying to pry them out of their shell.  As a very quiet and shy person myself but also to some degree just plain old antisocial (but honest!) I like to be included but don't like the type who get right in your face criticising you for being quiet and trying to "fix" you like you're broken and that it just takes 5 minutes from some gobby extrovert (with no disrespect to billy, honestly!  That sounded way more insulting than intended!) to make you "better".

Oh yeah, the absolute fucking worst thing is when some bright spark goes "You're very quiet over there! What do you think?" well fucking nothing right now mate, absolute negative nonexistent wormhole void as my mind's just gone entirely blank now, cheers for that.

I find the whole introversion/extroversion thing a bit frustrating as realistically people can't just be reduced to personality quizzes (one thing I find annoying about the Myers-Briggs test is that with pretty much every question I wanted to say "Well obviously it depends on the situation/who I'm with!"). I do relate to the idea of being a "quiet extrovert" - like, I love being around people and meeting/talking to new and different people, I'm basically the opposite of a homebody and I love being out and in company and in lively buzzy places, I find I get drained and tired if I don't have much variety in my company for too long, lockdown and working from home have been a nightmare for me, etc... BUT a lot of people seem to think being an extrovert means being this really confident loud person, which I'm not, most of the time. However some of the loudest/most opinionated people I know score highly as introverts, they're confident in themselves and good at speaking up in groups etc. but their tolerance for being around other people is limited, and they're very happy to say their bit but then go away and be in their own company (which is obviously fine as well).

I used to think I was shy, turns out I'm more just bored and easily distracted; totally unable to keep track of a conversation as a result.

Can relate to this too. I feel like there are so many things at play in any given social situation, sure some people are naturally quieter but quiet ≠ shyness ≠ inclination towards introversion ≠ low self esteem and so on, and there's a huge number of movable factors which can influence this at any time. I think anyone can encounter situations where they feel out of place or lacking in confidence or just can't be arsed to say anything for whatever reason, and so showing non-judgmental humanity and empathy towards those people is basically just a decent thing to do.