"Hi guys"

[TrenterPercenter]

"More dumplings (because I am scum) please"
"Ok, but only because I'm being paid to do this"

Do you want people to serve you, not because they are being paid. but because they just really enjoy serving you?

[kalowski]

I went to a restaurant in Saturday night with a bunch of mates. The waiter said, "you are a bit late so we'll have to get these starters out quickly."
Served us right to be fair.

[Glebe]

I went to a restaurant in Saturday night with a bunch of mates. The waiter said, "you are a bit late so we'll have to get these starters out quickly."
Served us right to be fair.

Nah, fuck him, cheery millenial cunt.

[thenoise]

Are you getting "hi! I'm Jake and I'll be your server today! Any questions about the menu?" yet? Because that's every fucking meal over here.

It'll come for you lot if it's not there already.

Surely they don't expect us to actually use their first name back to them?

[Jerzy Bondov]

Don't you dare say "sweet" to me you fucking pipe.

[Chedney Honks]

Wazzup my peads?

Special is vegan squid Quink pasta with navy blue washable Parker Quink ink.

[Jerzy Bondov]

Alright you chode, if you've not eaten here before we do things a liddle bid different. Basically just order what you like and we'll bring it out when we fucking feel like it on a bin lid.

[TrenterPercenter]

Hi I'm Jake, you won't be needing a menu tonight as I will decide what you cunts will be eating, now sit down and shut the fuck up. If I remember, I'll bring your scran out in a bit, but I won't lie to you there is good chance I will have shat in it"

[Goldentony]

enthin else? thin else? thin else yeah?

[Huxleys Babkins]

Deso memories of being asked if we'd ever eaten at a Toby Carvery before as if, somehow, the experience of going up, asking the lad for some meat and then chucking on trimmings and gravy was going to be beyond me and my family.

"I have!" beamed my auntie. "Well, you'll be alright then!" laughed the waitress. Yet, astonishingly, we were all alright. We were all able to collect food from the counter like seasoned professionals. Even the self-serve soft drinks machine was a doddle, with zero casualties.

[Chedney Honks]

"Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?"

Can I have a double sausage and egg McMuffin meal, please, with a latte?

"OK, what drink would you like?"

A latte, please.

"OK, can I get you anything else?"

No, that's all, thanks.

"If you go round to the first window, please."

Cheers.

"Is that your order?"

That's right, yep.

"Are you paying by card?"

Contactless.

"Yeah, same thing."

...

(let it go)

"Right, that's all gone through for you."

Cheers.

"Any sugars?"

No, thanks, but could I...

"I'll just get your latte."

Thanks, could I...

"There you go. Have a great day."

Could I have some more...err...serviettes, please?

"What?"

I mean...napkins. Could I have a couple more napkins, please?

"I put some in the bag."

Thanks, have a good un!

*floor it and crash into some toxic waste*

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

"what are you doing with the rest of your death"

"sorry?"

"what?"

"did you mean to say Day?"

"oh - HAHA! what did I say, Death?! Haha!!!!! No, I didn't meant to say Day."

[Goldentony]

"sauce and salad yeah"

"yeah mate thanks"

[havent phoned mum for 18 months]

[Jerzy Bondov]

Yeah can I get a cup of drink

You wanna cup?

Yeah in a cup, yeah

*enormous sigh* cup, right (under breath) King Gustav V of Sweden here is it, fuck me, some ponces we get in here

[poo]

Yeah the guys thing. Massive urge to humiliate anyone who says it. I don't though because I'm an extremely nice person. Tut massively when they're out of sight though.

[TrenterPercenter]

"Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?"

Can I have a Big Mike meal please

"OK, what drink would you like with that....wwwwait a minute did you say Big Mike?"

Yes, Big Mike, like it says on the advert

"It's a Big Mac, Sir"

No, Big Mike, I saw it on the telly, <singing> "I'm Lovin' Mick"

"I'm really sorry Sir but I think you might be mistaken, it's a Big Mac can you see the menu in front of you"

Yes it says, Big Mike, are you suggesting I can't read now as well?

"Sorry sir, no"

How dare you insult a customer like this, shall I speak to you manager

"Sorry sir, it's just..."

Listen here son of a Jim you know the saying the customer is always right now get on with your job and SERVE ME

"Yes sir, sorry sir, is there anything else you want with your Big Mike meal?"

Yes can I have super sized portion of YOUR MUM!

"Whhut What? How?! Wait is that you Gary?"

Yeah Daz you daft prick, you were about to sell me a Big Mike weren't you ya soft cunt, now give us a free milkshake I've only got 5 minutes before I have to get back to my marketing job at a very reputable middle class firm.

[Glebe]

"Hey guys would you like to see the menu?"

"Get tae fuck ye daft wee cunt."

[flotemysost]

I've got a Sicilian colleague who starts and ends every video call with several effusive "ciao"s and I've started doing it too. I can't imagine ending an interaction on bad terms if you're saying "ciao ciao", it just feels so warm and affectionate.

[bgmnts]

Ciao ciao are the most flamboyant of dog breeds.

[Glebe]

"Jake could you ​refill my wine goblet please?"

"Sure no prob!"

"Speak properly! Now go away lower serf."

[touchingcloth]

Tell you what, being a waiter was the best fucking job I ever had, hands down, and I was brilliant at it. I don't understand bad waiting staff, and I don't trust people who have reached adulthood without ever having worked in hospitality or retail. Life skills, lads, life skills.

[Ferris]

Tell you what, being a waiter was the best fucking job I ever had, hands down, and I was brilliant at it. I don't understand bad waiting staff, and I don't trust people who have reached adulthood without ever having worked in hospitality or retail. Life skills, lads, life skills.

Calm down Jake

[touchingcloth]

Calm down Jake

You're barred.

[pancreas]

Tell you what, being a waiter was the best fucking job I ever had, hands down, and I was brilliant at it. I don't understand bad waiting staff, and I don't trust people who have reached adulthood without ever having worked in hospitality or retail. Life skills, lads, life skills.

but you seem so ... rude ... ?

[touchingcloth]

but you seem so ... rude ... ?

Jaded after years waiting on absolute cunts.

[Glebe]

Jaded after years waiting on absolute cunts.

Well if that's your attitude myself and Her Ladyship shall take our business elsewhere! Jeeves, grab our fucking coats please!

[touchingcloth]

Well if that's your attitude myself and Her Ladyship shall take our business elsewhere! Jeeves, grab our fucking coats please!

You're still wearing your coats. You've sat through three courses and coffees in your coats, morons. Piss off.

[mothman]

Coffee outlets at work went through a year and a bit of handing out sugar and sweetener sachets with your drink; now without any fanfare each one is going back to having tubs of them for you to grab what you want, so I ask for a couple of sachets of sweetener and get told briskly they're over there, and I end up looking like a complete twat (or, more so than usual).

[gib]

we invented the word guy, as in 'penny for the guy' and the americans copied us during the 19th century. They don't even have bonfire night over there so i have no idea how it caught on.

[bgmnts]

Tell you what, being a waiter was the best fucking job I ever had, hands down, and I was brilliant at it. I don't understand bad waiting staff, and I don't trust people who have reached adulthood without ever having worked in hospitality or retail. Life skills, lads, life skills.

I worked for a month behind the bar at a shitty rugby club pub and they let me go because I wasnt clicking.

Presumably this meant I didn't flash enough tit but anyway  I pity anyone working in those industries.