Author Topic: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)  (Read 2202 times)

Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« on: October 04, 2021, 12:57:04 PM »
   

    There's so many great ones full of wit/truth and it would be nice for all of us to have a laugh.

    I know many of these jazz jokes are often repeated, changed around, mis-attributed at times, but try the best you can. Even if they're second-hand - the story behind them is also interesting, and informative as well as funny.

    The last time I saw Mort Sahl, he told a joke that always stuck with me. He would go on the road with Stan Kenton and Dave Brubeck, and he is a comedian, so it could have been linked in with that group for convenience, but I'll just repeat what I heard....


    Stan Kenton tells his band he got a tip that the narcotics officers were around, so be safe in regards to your "stuff". When the band gets to the venue, a guy (no one knows) comes in with a sax and asks if he can sit in with the band.. They say sure, but he's AWFUL... so Stan Kenton tells him:

    "Man, I sure hope you're a cop!"

    :)
     


Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2021, 12:37:57 PM »
Not a 'joke' by any means but I always get a laugh from Teo Macero chatting about working with Miles on Bitches Brew. His little impressions are great.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__6UOzvRmEE

Rizla

  • That's not another knife - THIS is another knife!
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2021, 12:43:10 PM »
There's this exchange during some way-out improvising -"What the hell are you doing?" "I'm just playing what I feel" "Well could you try feeling something in E flat please" but I forget who said it.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2021, 12:59:24 PM »
Not Jazz but James Brown riffing with the band towards the end of Escapism Pt. 2 is fun.

JB: Fred where you from?
Fred Wesley: L.A.
Rest of band (in mock horror): oh, ohhhhh....
Fred : Lower Alabama :)

https://youtu.be/jLX9wK6TF04?t=196

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2021, 01:43:39 PM »
There's this exchange during some way-out improvising -"What the hell are you doing?" "I'm just playing what I feel" "Well could you try feeling something in E flat please" but I forget who said it.

Some time ago, the tenor saxophonist Frank Foster was playing a street concert from the Jazzmobile in Harlem. He called for a blues in B-flat.

A young tenor player began to play “out” from the first chorus, playing sounds that had no relationship to the harmonic progression or rhythmic setting.

Foster stopped him. “What are you doing?”

“Just playing what I feel.”

“Well, feel something in B-flat, motherfucker.”

The Mollusk

  • I’m gonna have another Boost, John!
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2021, 01:50:28 PM »
“You mean I’ve been playing an umbrella for 30 years? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

  “We all thought it was funny!”

“That’s not funny.”

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2021, 05:17:47 PM »
A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn’t quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy’s wife and said “Can I speak to Buddy please?”

Buddy’s wife said, “I’m sorry, Buddy passed away last week.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, and hung up.

A couple of hours later, he called her again. “Is Buddy there please?”

“No, I’m sorry. Buddy’s no longer with us,” said Buddy’s wife. And hung up the phone.

Ten minutes later, he called Buddy’s wife again. “Can I speak to Buddy please?” he said.

She recognised his voice, and said: “Look, I’ve told you before, BUDDY’S DEAD!” And slammed down the phone.

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again… “Is Buddy at home please?” the horn player asked.

Buddy’s wife was furious. “I’m not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!”

He thought for a moment, and said: “I just love hearing you say it.”

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2021, 06:55:39 PM »
 Jack Tracy relates in the liner notes to the Jazz Messengers' "Roots & Herbs": Once, when the Messengers were in their station wagon on one of those seemingly interminable trips between dates, they came to the outskirts of a small town and, seeing a goodly crowd gathered, got out to stretch their legs and see what was happening. It was a funeral. The moved up closer. Intoned the minister, "Does anyone have anything to say before we inter these mortal remains?" Silence. Again the question was asked. Again, silence. At which point they say Art stepped forward and said huskily, "If there is nothing anyone wants to say about the deceased, I hope no one here minds if I say a few words about jazz."

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2021, 01:02:04 PM »
It was late last night, so I didn't bother to turn on my computer to post it on here, but Mort was doing one of his shows in 2020 or 2019 (it's on YouTube), and he said he was neighbors with the musician Pete Candoli, and that he could hear he and his wife, Betty Hutton fighting. Supposedly, Pete said he was leaving and got into his car. Betty got a gun and shot his rear fender. Pete jumps out of the car and says:

"Hey baby, haven't you heard? You can't get a man with a gun!"

famethrowa

  • mere rhetorical frippery
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2021, 05:42:45 AM »
A few old faves that have been floating around Harlem from the 50s....

Which Jazz Fusion drummer established a parish in Surrey? Billy Chobham

What David Bowie track best describes the current state of jazz trumpeter Blakey and jazz saxophonist Pepper? Art Decayed

famethrowa

  • mere rhetorical frippery
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2021, 05:43:29 AM »
What did Horace Silver say when Charles Mingus kicked Miles Davis in the nuts? "that's what I call an inverted second!!"

Why did George Shearing never substitute the dominant 7th? Because he owned an 8-seater van.

famethrowa

  • mere rhetorical frippery
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2021, 05:44:26 AM »
How did Buddy Rich treat his floor tom? Fired him and hired a new bass player.

Miles' most famous album featured a shockingly ribald joke about Lucille Wilson during the 2nd chorus of Freddie The Freeloader. When asked to describe the as-yet-unnamed album, Miles replied "well, it's kind of blue...."

famethrowa

  • mere rhetorical frippery
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2021, 05:45:54 AM »
Why didn't Quincy Jones go and see the Ray Charles movie? He doesn't like the "talkies"

What did Art Blakey say to Dave Brubeck's drummer when he played all over his solo? "I 'ate you Butler!"



famethrowa

  • mere rhetorical frippery
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #13 on: October 07, 2021, 05:47:19 AM »
What did both Miles Davis and Jimmy Savile do in hospital toward the end of their life? died                                                     .                                           .                     .

Did you hear the jazz pianist played a major triad? No, I never did either

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #14 on: October 07, 2021, 01:46:16 PM »
A precision mechanic and electrician is doing 20 years in Folsom for murdering his wife. He has only two more years to go when an ant comes into his cell and climbs up his tin bowl while he is eating. It explores the bowl with its feelers, and he thinks: "It looks as if it is drumming". The ant appears every day, and he decides to build an ant-sized drum kit for it in the prison workshop. It is adjusted to ant anatomy not only in size but also in shape and has several levels. The top level is cymbals only, the second level is made of toms, the third level consists of snare, a side drum, a few more toms and the cymbals of the hi-hat, the lowest level has bass drum and the hi-hat pedal. He also builds tiny microphones and speakers, a tiny amplyfier and a tiny stool for the ant to sit on.

When he has finished building the equipment for the ant he puts it on the table in his cell. When the ant appears it moves around the kit, finally sits down on the stool and starts drumming with its six legs and two feelers. It plays way better than any drummer that ever lived and can very well be heard.

When the man is finally released he puts the drum kit, the equipment and the ant into a box, goes to a fancy restaurant, orders an exquisite meal and a good bottle of wine and puts the drum equipment with the ant on the table, where it starts drumming immediately.

When the waiter returns with the meal and the bottle of wine the ex-prisoner points at the drumming ant and says: "Waiter, have you ever seen anything like this"?

"No" replies the waiter, "I am terribly sorry, it won't happen again" and crushes the ant with his thumb.

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2021, 08:03:40 PM »
Are there any funny jazz jokes?

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2021, 09:02:03 PM »
What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2021, 09:10:17 PM »
the guy who delivers your fuel rubs his cock a lot doesnt he? yes ive got an 'orny coalman

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2021, 09:12:17 PM »
i heard you're going to sue the council is that true? yes because my nan broke her hip going up the giant steps to the bus depot

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #19 on: October 07, 2021, 09:16:04 PM »
If I had to Naima funny joke, that wouldn’t be it.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #20 on: October 07, 2021, 09:16:30 PM »
whats with all the police vans round the church? they found out who stole the collection plate, it was a felonous monk.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2021, 09:18:11 PM »
If I had to Naima funny joke, that wouldn’t be it.

Yet you couldn't trump it.

Bennett Brauer

  • I don't "wipe properly"
Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #22 on: October 07, 2021, 09:18:21 PM »
Which jazz pianist had this as an album cover?



Bollocks innit
« Last Edit: October 07, 2021, 09:35:31 PM by Bennett Brauer »

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #23 on: October 07, 2021, 09:22:18 PM »
My mate said he had a couple of fit birds for us to go on a double date with. But when i got there they were a couple of mingus.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #24 on: October 07, 2021, 09:25:21 PM »
I love going to the circus, they've got a great act with birds. The parrot plays the piano while a flamenco sketches.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #25 on: October 07, 2021, 09:27:49 PM »
Did you hear the famous cancelled comedian was arrested because they finally found evidence of his wrong doing? Yes, they noticed that Louis' arm was strong from all the wanking.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #26 on: October 07, 2021, 09:30:37 PM »
Dave Brubeck was a generous man. When he offered you a fruit gum and you just took the one he'd always say "take five"

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #27 on: October 07, 2021, 09:31:46 PM »
I got into a big fight with my butcher today. I walked all the way into town and he didn't have any chops.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #28 on: October 07, 2021, 09:34:22 PM »
Jeremy Corbyn only likes popular mainstream sounds and turns his nose up at progressive jazz.

He's for the many, not the fusion.

Re: Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)
« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2021, 09:36:04 PM »
The new landlord in the local pub always breaks the rules. Last friday he let us order a round at about midnight.

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