Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)

[Video Game Fan 2000]

What do you call a duck from Wales?

Spoiler alert

Bill Evans

[close]

[famethrowa]

What do you call a fish in the sky?

Spoiler alert

Gill 'Evans

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

What do traditionalist bebop tuba players have in common with women who are married to ugly men?

Spoiler alert

low standards

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

When I worked at the Spar, the boxes of cheap chocolates seemed to empty quicker than we actually sold them. After a few weeks, I started to suspect my colleagues. I was sure that we had a

Spoiler alert

Freddo freeloader

[close]

working there.

[thecuriousorange]

I just got a new puppy and I like the sound of the craft beer his mother makes:

Spoiler alert

Bitch's Brew

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

The flight from London to New York took all night. I was surprised, I thought it would be quicker than taking a boat but it turns out that its

Spoiler alert

Miles in the Sky

[close]

too.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

I can't believe I was accused of groping the drummer. I was told to

Spoiler alert

stay in his pocket

[close]

at all times!

[famethrowa]

What is the difference between Quincy Jones and Roquefort-flavoured chewy sherbert?

Spoiler alert

One's a cheesy fizz jawed, the other a cheesy jazz fraud.

[close]

Did you hear Quincy Jones opened a shop to sell his solos? It was called

Spoiler alert

Quincy's Clam Shack

[close]

[famethrowa]

Miles Davis' habit of calling everyone "motherfucker" stems from a time when

Spoiler alert

a middle-aged Quincy Jones dated Miles' teenage grandmother.

[close]

What's the best thing Quincy Jones did for jazz trumpet?

Spoiler alert

Stopped playing it.

[close]

Why did Max Roach call Quincy Jones

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"Del Boy"

[close]

in 1965? Because he was always

Spoiler alert

"falling through the bar"

[close]

.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

I've just decided to breed hens professionally. I hope I have a good

Spoiler alert

chick career

[close]

.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Why was Glenn Miller's nickname

Spoiler alert

"Uncle Albert"

[close]

? Because he was most popular

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"during the war"

[close]

.

[famethrowa]

What did Mongo Santamaria say to Chick Corea when he fired him from his band?

Spoiler alert

"Hit the Rhodes, buddy"

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Why did the goth leave the jazz gig early? I was disappointed because he was told there would be

Spoiler alert

vamping

[close]

.

[zomgmouse]

why did the two groups of Friends enthusiasts not get along? One was full of Rosses, the other was full of

Spoiler alert

Ray Charles

[close]

[famethrowa]

Did you see when the offspring of a popular file archiving program started a jazz ensemble for dogs? It was

Spoiler alert

Son .rar's Barkestra

[close]

[famethrowa]

What was the album Dexter Gordon released after his new lead singer refused to sing her hit song "Honey to the Bee" and left the band?

Spoiler alert

Billie's Flounce

[close]

[famethrowa]

Which jazz trumpeter shat himself at Dover?

Spoiler alert

Cliff(ord) Brown.

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Did you hear about the episode of Star Trek where the crew turned to cannibalism? For dinner, Spock had

Spoiler alert

a roll and Kirk

[close]

.

[zomgmouse]

did you hear about the doctor who drowned the people he healed? he would

Spoiler alert

sink a patient

[close]

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

jizz

[Video Game Fan 2000]

I heard you sent your goat on a package tour? Yes, it was time for

Spoiler alert

Billy's Holiday

[close]

.

[famethrowa]

Did you know Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter were jazz drummers? True, a right

Spoiler alert

pair-o-diddlers

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

I always use the same pen when I write an order for drugs. It's my

Spoiler alert

Charlie Parker

[close]

.

[famethrowa]

I call my cock and balls Sly and the Family Stones, because there's always a griot goin' on.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Why not Davis because its

Spoiler alert

not very

[close]

long?

[Video Game Fan 2000]

And the critically acclaimed bit is

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kind of blue

[close]

.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Remember when the lead singer of Primal Scream spent all day on the roundabout by mistake?

Spoiler alert

Dizzy Gillespie

[close]

.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Mate I read in the newspaper that scientists made a discovery that throws our entire understanding of human history and technological development into disarray, that can't be right can it? Afraid so, archaelogists were investigating an ancient burial ground from the middle ages and they uncovered

Spoiler alert

a Saxon phone.

[close]

[Video Game Fan 2000]

What does your mum have in come with Milt Jackson? Famously,

Spoiler alert

they're both vibe soloists

[close]

.

[famethrowa]

I heckled Joey deFrancesco one night and he kicked me in the bum... I said

Spoiler alert

"you know, Jimmy Smith would have used his left hand"

[close]