Jazz Jokes (Hopefully w/ Attribution)

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Because neutron stars are the densest material known to science, with a lot of mass compacted into a small amount of space, its possible to have a very

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lyttel ton

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.

[famethrowa]

You know who's a fishy character on stage?

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Eric Dolphin

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[Video Game Fan 2000]

I couldn't believe those stories about racism and far right rhetoric behind the scenes of Sykes. According to Hattie Jacques,

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Eric could be a bit 'dofly

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.

[Video Game Fan 2000]

Overrated racist piece of shit poet Philip Larkin once described Thelonious Monk as "an elephant on the keyboard", I think this is appalling because

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he wasn't called Thelonious Trunk, was he

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?

[famethrowa]

Who played the bass clarinet for Joan of Arc?

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Eric Dauphin

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[Video Game Fan 2000]

Which jazz flautist was plausibly the Secretary General of the United Nations between 1997 and 2006?

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Eric Kolfi-Annan

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.

[Astronaut Omens]

Who's that 1920s cornet player over there, eating some biscuits while standing near a small stream?
Bics by the beck?
Yes, that's the one I mean. The one eating some bics by the beck. What's his name?

Spoiler alert

I don't know, sorry.

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[famethrowa]

Louis Alm-stream?

[SpiderChrist]

Are there any funny jazz jokes?

There are two types of jazz joke, and they're both shit LOLOLLOL!

[thecuriousorange]

Why does Jamie Cullum stand up when he plays the piano?

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To reach the keys!

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[famethrowa]

Willie Dixon?

[JesusAndYourBush]

Not a joke but a true story.  About 20-ish years ago I was told about an incident where a photographer from a jazz magazine (an actual jazz mag, not the other sort of jazz mag) was sent to photograph a jazz band and the sax player unzipped and placed his bell end in the bell of the sax and the photographer didn't notice and nobody in the publication chain noticed and the photo ended up on the cover of the magazine.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Are there any funny jazz jokes?

You have to listen to the laughs that they're not getting.

[zomgmouse]

British national broadcaster went into surgery for a

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Beeb op

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[Video Game Fan 2000]

I did everything I could to make sure this thread wouldn't be

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shorter

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.

[McChesney Duntz]

What did Cicely Tyson mutter to herself every night between 1981-1989?

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"Miles to go before I sleep."

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[famethrowa]

Who played any old made-up, tossed-off shit for 50 years and made everyone think it was studious, academic jazz?

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Sonny Trollin'

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[famethrowa]

Which jazzer masturbated furiously in his 1963 Volkswagen on the way to the Village Vanguard?

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Herbie Handcock

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[famethrowa]

Did you hear that famous NYC jazz club was taken over by hipsters in 2006? It's now called

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Beardland

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[famethrowa]

True story: Charles Mingus composed "Goodbye Pork Pie Hat" after attempting to book Horace Parlan for the session, but he mistakenly called

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Horace Panter

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.

[famethrowa]

Which famous jazz standard was the very first "booty" song?

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Butt Beautiful

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[famethrowa]

We all know famous trumpeter Art Blakey's band was the Jazz Messengers, but what was the message?

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fuck off

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[famethrowa]

Why was Louis Armstrong's band called the Hot Five?

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They took his version of "Fly Me To The Moon" literally

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[famethrowa]

Why was Louis not happy in 1969? He thought everybody was saying

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"kneel, Armstrong"

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[famethrowa]

Who built a fried chicken shop shaped like a pyramid?

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Pharoah Sanders

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[famethrowa]

Rolf Harris never gave up his art, even in the last 10 years. Why then was he like Lonnie Liston Smith?

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Both knew about "draw bars"

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[famethrowa]

Tony Williams was confused to see Alan Pasqua's kid had attempted to install a submarine in his backyard setting. But Alan said

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" It's a try-Tone, sub-situ-son"

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[MortSahlFan]

Paul Desmond (Dave Brubeck Band) was in a relationship with a woman, but her parents wanted to marry someone rich, and not a musician who "had no future".. Paul rapped it up with

"This is how her world ends. Not with a whim, but with a banker!"

[famethrowa]

Why did Oscar Peterson think Luciano Pavarotti was a hot jazz singer?

Spoiler alert

He heard he had a lot of "Schoeps"

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[Twonty Gostelow]

You never know what these eclectic foreign supermarkets will have in stock.

I just picked up two CDs. Lidl: Jimmy Scott; Aldi: Meola.