Author Topic: Reaching out  (Read 1713 times)

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  • Love is much less ethical than silence
Re: Reaching out
« Reply #30 on: October 07, 2021, 09:03:58 PM »
Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time, dr_christian_troy, and indeed, anyone else.


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Re: Reaching out
« Reply #31 on: October 11, 2021, 06:35:20 AM »
Thank you all very much for your kind words, here and in messages. I also take reassurance from knowing that I’m not alone in experiencing something of a social blackout recently.

I think that for the most part it’s a case of finding a comfortable balance. I went out on Saturday evening and while it was mostly without hassle, I ended up more or less chaperoning a friend of mine to make sure they got home safe after drinking too much. It just felt good to be able to be there for someone again, regardless of the circumstances. On the other hand, I now know with certainty that I do much prefer one-to-ones and small gatherings - controlled, organised situations - rather than being out somewhere busy and riotous as if nothing had ever happened.

Essentially it seems to be a case of always ensuring I have something to look forward to. If “plan A” involves someone else, then arguably there’s a risk of potentially being let down and feeling disappointed, and so “plan B” will involve myself, whether it’s going out for a walk, going for a coffee with a good book or having some downtime. Another factor of having something lined up is the plan itself - something that is relatively controlled, a situation in which I know where all of the exits are, metaphorically and literally. For example, not putting myself in a situation where I end up chaperoning someone home, or being stuck in town in the middle of the night with someone who is volatile when drunk, walking on eggshells around them while trying to do my best to get us back safely (this happened a few weeks back). Instead, cooking dinner for a friend at their house or mine and watching a film afterwards - a far safer and cosier plan all in all. I hope I’m able to line up more of these kind of plans, perhaps more likely as the weather gets colder.

I also just need to focus on the people who are responsive, as opposed to those who aren’t. In that circumstance I then just need to keep the intrusive thoughts (the voice that tells me that those particular people don’t like me and that it is personal, the voice that gets louder when I’m at my most vulnerable) at bay by keeping occupied in productive and / or healthy ways.

The perspective which helps me when I’m feeling strong-minded is the analogy of going to a newsagents as an adult and looking at the confectionary, and looking for something I’ve never eaten before. To then buy it and eat it, to say that this is something new to me, is something that seems a rare opportunity as you get older. Sure, you could bungee jump or deep sea dive, but at the end of the day if I can do something new or different or experience something I’ve never experienced at least once a week, I can find that life even in the smallest of ways has something new to offer. So for example I’ve been cooking a different recipe each week for most of this year, and to have friends over and cook a chicken curry - and for one of the folks to go in for seconds - was very satisfying. Short term new experiences which are relatively straightforward to bring into existence. Long term new experiences are reserved for a higher budget, like saving up to go somewhere in the world I haven’t been to for example. Whether it’s trying a chocolate bar I’ve never tried, cooking something I’ve never cooked before, walking down a road I’ve never walked down before or going on holiday to a country I’ve never been to - these are the moments where I’m reminded that there’s plenty of opportunities left in life, and whether they involve other people or not, ultimately they are my experiences to discover - and with any luck, enjoy.


  • Be still, Taggart
Re: Reaching out
« Reply #32 on: October 11, 2021, 09:53:55 AM »
If anything, the past year or so has made me realise how one-sided most of my friendships were. If I didn't contact them, I might as well not exist because they sure as fuck aren't making any effort to contact me.

This definitely resonates with me and, similarly to Kankurette, the fact that I've deleted my Facebook account seems to mean that I just don't exist anymore to a lot of "friends". I guess Facebook is convenient, and people want convenience.


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Re: Reaching out
« Reply #33 on: October 11, 2021, 09:55:14 AM »
Yeah, unless you're being askee out to go somewhere or do something in real life, they're not really friends are they? Just virtual acquaintances.  Like how pen pals used to be.


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Re: Reaching out
« Reply #34 on: October 11, 2021, 11:15:02 AM »
Chicken curry and a movie after is pretty much my ideal night!

Re: Reaching out
« Reply #35 on: October 11, 2021, 12:14:23 PM »
Yeah, unless you're being askee out to go somewhere or do something in real life, they're not really friends are they? Just virtual acquaintances.  Like how pen pals used to be.

I never really treated friends on facebook or social media as real friends but as virtual friends, so I cannot really be open to people on it, although I did speak to my brother on facebook about our history after his rant about the family that we grew up with.

Although couple of friends such as the head chef knew I was quite ill after my brother's rant and flashbacks.

This lead to self referral to a CPN (Nurse) who I still keep in contact with, she is only person who knows what I am dealing with in relation to the severe low mood, OCD & Scrupulosity.

I felt safer talking to a nurse in person as I was able to be very detailed about the OCD including Scrupulosity which cannot be said on social media or social networking sites or via emails.

I have once deleted facebook but created 1 in 2012 for a swimming club I was part of. I have blocked most family members on facebook, if I was delete it and re-create it later it will break my going no contact  ways with them as they will most likely find me again.