Beards

[eagle_bearer]

I was eighteen when I first tried to grow a beard. As the days rolled by, I watched the boy I was used to seeing in the mirror being replaced by a man. And so there I was, strutting around, cock of the walk, nodding and stroking my facial fuzz when I listened to people. In my mind's eye, I looked like a Spartan warrior. Then my dad told me I looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. That night, looking in the mirror, I knew in my heart he was right. I reached for the razor.

Fast forward nine years. Once again, I let my facial hair grow. What emerged this time was a fuller, thicker beard. My dad couldn't compare me to Shaggy from Scooby Doo now. I mean, my dad had been dead for eight years, but even if he was alive, he wouldn't have been able to say that. And if he would have said it, he'd have been wrong. I didn't look anything like Shaggy from Scooby Doo anymore. I just didn't.

Fast forward six years, bringing us to the present day. I've been bearded all that time. The length has varied because you have to mix things up. Nobody wants to be a dullard, do they? The length ranges from short to medium length. At the moment it's somewhere in between. To trim it, I usually use a beard trimmer, but, as I said, you have to mix things up, so every now and again, if it's longer, I'll trim it freehand as if I was sculpting a hedge.

Sadly, there's still a lot of prejudice towards beard-wearers. We've all heard the snide remarks.

'Never trust a man with a beard'
'You look like a paedophile'
'You look like a tramp'
'Beardy twat'

But let's flick through the history books for a few moments and consider well-known bearded men. What about Jeff Bridges? Don't tell me you couldn't trust that guy. As for the paedophile barbs, well, Demis Roussos wasn't a sex offender, was he? And is Noel Edmonds a tramp? With his crisp shirts and pressed denims, I hardly think so. And there aren't many who'd call Socrates a beardy twat. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's all sunshine and rainbows. As with most things, there are drawbacks. It's not nice when a dame gives you an affectionate peck and she gets a taste of dried egg yolk from your moustache. When your baby niece is on your lap and she grabs your beard and yanks it, you might want to throw her out of the window. And it's a bummer when I go hiking and I go into a train station and people think I've got a bomb in my rucksack.

But on the whole, I'm happy wearing a beard. Do I foresee a time when I'll be clean shaven? I don't know. None of us know what's waiting around the corner. 

So let me throw it back to you guys. How about you? Do you have a beard? For what length of time have you had it? What style of beard do you have? Which method of trimming do you use? Do you use beard oil? If you don't have a beard, have you ever tried to grow one?

Now, for all the ladies who've read this far and are puffing their cheeks and rolling their eyes and thinking Oh, great, another thread for the blokes - you couldn't be more wrong. I do not want to exclude you from this thread. So what I'll ask is this - what do you think of beards? Does your partner have a beard? If so, does it rub you up the wrong way, or do you want him to pick you up and fling you over his shoulder and carry you to the bedroom? If you have a clean-shaven partner, do you drop hints for him to start growing his beard, or do you love stroking those smooth cheeks?

[Icehaven]

My boyfriend looks quite a bit like the Anonymous mask/V from V for Vendetta, partly helped by his facial hair. His isn't as coiffed as V's and he's got more beard, but it's very pointy. Stick a big black hat and a cloak on him and that's his Halloween costume sorted.

[Pink Gregory]

May never know what my chin looks like.  I imagine that if I shaved now I'd have a large pale stripe across my chin and jaw region, so there's a reason not to.

[paruses]

I have been fully bearded for about 10 years now at least. It began mainly through laziness rather than a style choice but am now known as "having beard". It's not a particularly great one and acts to sometimes make me look much older and fatter or slimmer and younger depending on the care I have taken.

I have lately thought to come clean and remove it. I have a solitary chin so that's not an issue (either disguising an absence or a multitude) it's just a bit of a psychological thing. I can imagine that's how the longest fingernails man in the Guinness Book of Records feels about having his nails just clipped one day.

So - has anyone with a decent beard tenure given it up and how was it?

[Bigfella]

A few times I've stopped shaving for a few weeks.  The beard experience was mostly okay but because I'm so used to being clean shaven it would occasionally give me a strong physically uncomfortable feeling, just with it's presence.  I suppose you would eventually get used to it.  So have them if you want them, some guys look quite cool with them.  Lemmy for instance.

[Attila]

Mr Attila has a moustache and goatee beard. He has been threatened with bodily harm if these ever come off and I have to see the face underneath.
At the moment the beard itself is scraggly and needs to be neatened/tidied; I think he's letting it look a bit mad because it winds me up.

[AsparagusTrevor]

I've had some degree of facial hair pretty much since it started growing out of my face, from full beards to stubble, goatees, soul patches. I've never had a lone moustache though. A good beard does great to hide any additional chins that might've popped up over the years.

The past decade or so it has been a full beard at varying lengths depending on mood/laziness. I always try to keep it from looking too unkempt though, always shave my neck and trim the stragglers.

Most of lockdown it has been on the long side, at the moment it's around 3 inches from my chin. The last time I gave it a decent trim down to about half an inch, late last year maybe, my face looked so small.

I reckon using moisturising products is a must for beards - oils or balms keep it soft and help fend off the dreaded itch.

[QDRPHNC]

I have a good beard. It's the only thing I have going for me. It is responsible for the entirety of my sex life.

Working on growing the tache longer than the beard these days, see what to do with it.

[Tony Tony Tony]

You are all a load of filthy Pogonophiles.

[buttgammon]

Beard.

[Shit Good Nose]

Working on growing the tache longer than the beard these days, see what to do with it.

Tie it to pubes.

[QDRPHNC]

Tie it to pubes.

When it comes right down to it, aren't they all pubes?

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

I never feel clean with any facial hair. It's not that I don't wash or anything, it's just that psychologically I don't feel like I've finished the job unless I've scraped off the hair growing on my face.
I also seem to get a load of dry flaky skin in the beard area if I ever grow it out for a bit. What the fuck is that? Dandruff or something? It comes off with a loofah scrub, but I'd rather just shave.

[Shit Good Nose]

When it comes right down to it, aren't they all pubes?

Okay.  Tie it to bumhole hairs then.

I'm giving you all these amazing solid gold options but you're just shooting them down like helium balloons filled with shit.

[Cold Meat Platter]

JK Rowling

[QDRPHNC]

Okay.  Tie it to bumhole hairs then.

Finally, some sense.