(serious thread) best pooing stance/tech

[madhair60]

I'm a traditional sitter and I do wonder if there's a better way - while I do enjoy a poo, I feel as though there could be a way to make the whole enterprise more efficient and ultimately hygienic. Tailor my diet to an all-ghost output. Does anyone have any advice wrt pooing? Doing a poo. Remember that this is a serious thread and I would like real advice

[The Ombudsman]

I'm a big fan of a squatting release. Feels like a proper empty and effortless too. Like it's being sucked out your rectum.

[Captain Z]

Really we should all be doing it as nature intended: on all fours.

[Pijlstaart]

I shall never explore my body's capability, socrates be damned, for static shits I'm milquetoast, nigh-exclusively at-work shits, my last non-work shit was december 2020. What I like about the western style of shitting is you can never get the damn thing fully out, the technocrats think that's a flaw, Pete Buttigieg hates the way we shit and he wants radical change, he thinks because it doesn't work properly there must be a problem, but it's a problem to a question we'd never ask, and that's what these number junkie technocrats with their dyson efficiency shitters and reiki centrifuges will never understand.

Shitting in motion is a different story, there's a range of options, I was there in the early days, just a few dedicated guys with tarpaulins and a dream. Never forget that feeling when a VHS came through the letterbox, I could barely get it in the machine I was shaking so much, I couldn't wait to see the next big breakthrough of the era, there was this one man in colorado who did jumping jack shits, it was all about the timing, you had to squeeze at a point in the motion you wouldn't think to squeeze, but the payoff was exquisite. Lost custody of his daughter in the end, and with it her trampoline, poor man drank himself to death after that.

I was a pioneer among the forward roll shit community, I was the first to reliably launch a shit, first to take out a lightbulb, first to hit a moving target, but as the scene grew and the extreme sports crowd began to take notice, I was rapidly eclipsed. Most of these young guys, they won't have heard of me at all, but you find one of the old boys at the back of the tarp shop, a bonified brownback, he'll know, in his head I'm real.

[The Mollusk]

Get one of those toilet footstools that aid the natural squat which is apparently the most efficient way to position yourself in order to expel waste from your anus. I got one for our gaff because our toilet is unusually high off the floor and sitting on it with only the balls of my feet touching the ground wasn't comfortable. Shitting anywhere else without this thing feels weird now.

Rather abysmally they are frequently called "squatty potties" but if you can actually stomach searching for that term I do really recommend getting one.

[bgmnts]

It has to be the squat if your knees can handle it. Shitting in a hole is just healthier and more pleasant than being sat on tbe toilet and i'm amazed there is no option for it in this country.

[studpuppet]

I think you need to be exposed to the joys of the Squatty Potty advert.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbYWhdLO43Q

[Butchers Blind]

'What my shits look like after 130 secs is heartbreaking'

[touchingcloth]

I want to shit like my grandad: peacefully in his sleep, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.

[Chedney Honks]

Squat like a Chinese guy is the best. Phone in one hand, ciggie in the other, performing your post-prandial praxis like it's the most natural thing in the world. A helix of evil DNA unwinding all the way from your sphincter to your soul, with a euphoric tear and a sympathetic bead of strain sweat. No grunts, just one fat cathartic sob. Goodnight, son. I will never forget you.

[PlanktonSideburns]

I think you need to be exposed to the joys of the Squatty Potty advert.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbYWhdLO43Q

Brilliant performance by your man there, knows exactly what time it is

[popcorn]

I have, due to a series of dire circumstances, shat in a shower. It was actually brilliant. Everything was well lubricated, the squat position is a great enabler. But the cleanup operation is no picnic.

[Ham Bap]

I prefer to take a crab like stance and motion sideways until it slides out.
I also raise my hands above my head and rhythmically clap in a Haka like dance.

[touchingcloth]

Squat like a Chinese guy is the best.

Phone in one hand, ciggie in the other

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
(Way-oh-way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh)

Squat like a Chinese guy.

[thehungerartist]

Fan of the AC Slater checking in.

[Dex Sawash]

I prefer to take a crab like stance and motion sideways until it slides out.
I also raise my hands above my head and rhythmically clap in a Haka like dance.

Looking forward to trying crabcore since learning of the technique this morning in the 2000s aesthetic thread

[shiftwork2]

I remember biggytitbo mentioned he used to squat with feet on the toilet seat.  What a thought.

[TrenterPercenter]

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
(Way-oh-way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh)

Squat like a Chinese guy.

Whistle solo!

[Twit 2]

I remember biggytitbo mentioned he used to squat with feet on the toilet seat.  What a thought.

Bet he does a big croak as he hops off, like an albino, right wing frog.

[Glebe]

Feet firmly planted, give it a good push!

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

I have, due to a series of dire circumstances, shat in a shower. It was actually brilliant. Everything was well lubricated, the squat position is a great enabler. But the cleanup operation is no picnic.

When I was on an aircraft carrier, one of the Chinese guys who worked in the laundry (navy ships pay a private company to launder their clothes at sea) squatted and did a shit in one of the shower cubicles. Everyone watched in horror as he forced his foulage down the drain hole with his foot like some kind of grim potato ricer. I presume due to your circumstances your stool was like someone had foamed up a can of pedigree chum in a Soda Stream so this foot forcing action would not have been required.

[popcorn]

When I was on an aircraft carrier, one of the Chinese guys who worked in the laundry (navy ships pay a private company to launder their clothes at sea) squatted and did a shit in one of the shower cubicles. Everyone watched in horror as he forced his foulage down the drain hole with his foot like some kind of grim potato ricer.

Sensational!

I presume due to your circumstances your stool was like someone had foamed up a can of pedigree chum in a Soda Stream so this foot forcing action would not have been required.

No - the turd had a strong structural integrity. Bucket and bleach job.

[poodlefaker]

Bucket and Bleach: New Faces quarter-finalists, 1978.

[Glebe]

Hold out your hands
Stick out your tush
Hands on your hips
Give 'em a push
Next thing you know
Your doing the best
Pooing stance/tech

[The Mollusk]

When I was on an aircraft carrier, one of the Chinese guys who worked in the laundry (navy ships pay a private company to launder their clothes at sea) squatted and did a shit in one of the shower cubicles. Everyone watched in horror as he forced his foulage down the drain hole with his foot like some kind of grim potato ricer.

Whoa no way, a real life "waffle stomp"!

[hamfist]

Bucket and Bleach: New Faces quarter-finalists, 1978.

New Faeces

[Fr.Bigley]

Best tool for faecal removal...

[touchingcloth]

grim potato ricer

I love his work on Jesus Christ Superstar.

[Glebe]

[TrenterPercenter]

I always find the Buffalo Stance surprisingly effective