Author Topic: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?  (Read 761 times)

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Bollocked for being so weird and unpleasant
Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« on: October 12, 2021, 08:02:55 AM »
Not sure if I should have put this in Shelf Abuse or not, but here goes....
Every time that pesky Black Dog comes a yappin' at my ankles and I find meself thinking " Ah, bollocks to this, life's a right load of old cobblers", or a friend person who doesn't actually consider me to be a * complete* cunt has said to me " You're always going on about HWPV, forget it Lisa, you're never going to meet her",  that's when one finds oneself thinking " Right! Suicide it is then!"
But then my mind turns to my favoured activity of wanking getting pissed up going to gigs and people wondering if I'm actually the proud father of one of the band members on stage reading, and I think " Oh Lordy, best stay alive, I havenae actually read the complete works of Shakespeare or Dickens or even Ali Smith yet, despite the fact I've read " Notes From A Small Island " by Bill Bryson twice now, and I don't even like him that much, the boring, bearded cunt with his fucking " I went exploring Britain in November and it was fucking pissing down and freezing, and various museums and that  were closed, I don't know what the fuck else I was expecting, anyway then I went out to a Chinese Restaurant, then went to a pub and got pissed up, then I went back to my crap hotel room, that's fucking interesting isn't it, oh, and I was incredibley aggressive and rude to some hapless, underpaid McDonald's employee, what a fucking hero I am, unless I just made that shit up, like I clearly make up or at least massively exaggerate the meetings I have with people, 'cos if my book just consisted of me walking about in the pissing down rain, going to Chinese restaurants and staying in crap hotel rooms, my publisher would just say to me " We're not publishing this load of dreary old bollocks you cunt, go on, fuck off out of it" routine.
So, yes, I would say reading, along with the ol' music listening, is one of the things that sustains me through this pilgrimage of cunts that some choose to label " life".
How do the other boys and girls of CaB feel about this matter?

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2021, 08:26:01 AM »
generally I turn to Genesis 27:11

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • Your sleep paralysis demon
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2021, 08:36:24 AM »
You might meet Comer one day, just think of that. Don't despair, chap.
 You're more likely to get Bryson to kiss you though, unfortunately. She's not going to kiss any of us.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Bollocked for being so weird and unpleasant
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2021, 08:45:41 AM »
Sadly, that's very true. Bill Bryson, indeed.Leader of the Real Ale Twats looking cunt. I bet if he *did* kiss me, he'd spin it into a five page anecdote in one of his fucking books, attributing quotes to me that I didn't actually fucking say and attributing quotes to himself of dizzying Wildean wit that he made up there and then on the spot and not six hours later, back in his fucking crap hotel room, with the fucking trouser press and fucking uncomfortable bed. I bet that's exactly what he'd do. Oooh, I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it.

Shoulders?-Stomach!

  • Silver Member
  • ****
  • They call me mista bald bastard
    • http://jackanderton.jamendo.net/
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2021, 08:49:26 AM »
generally I turn to Genesis 27:11

Their gigs have all been called off I think, sorry mate

madhair60

  • ころねすきー
  • Golden Member
  • *****
  • Thank you forever
    • Comics, videos, podcasts, writing, etc
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2021, 09:03:04 AM »
The only book you ever read is the Nonce Directory to make sure you still get a glowing review. While you may not make the cover any more you're still a very dangerous paedophile and your coverage reflects that.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2021, 09:06:59 AM »
There's very little more depressing than being in a new place and having a day to kill.

Just wandering around without any purpose whilst people around you are busy and doing shit. You go "I suppose I'll sit on this bench and read my book I suppose" and about 15 words in you're bored as fuck already. Begging for someone to ask what you're doing there.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2021, 09:25:27 AM by bgmnts »

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2021, 09:19:02 AM »
Suicide would sort loads of stuff out, going bald, having to get a job, making dinner, wanting things I can't have, not being rich, desiring sex, chronic heartburn. The list is endless. Being dead sorts everything out. But I have a mortal fear of death and as long as there's something to do, a new pasta sauce to cook, a new tune to hear, a new film to watch, yet another Big Mac to eat, I'm not doing the Grim Reaper's job for him. Well not in one go anyway.

I'm commiting suicide slowly through beer, bacon and buttock inactivity.

Retinend

  • "I only want to have jobs where I can walk to work"
  • Golden Member
  • *****
    • Munted, Random (documentary)
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2021, 09:22:05 AM »
The only book you ever read is the Nonce Directory to make sure you still get a glowing review. While you may not make the cover any more you're still a very dangerous paedophile and your coverage reflects that.

this is an epic burn, beautifully worded, but LMC has never said anything that could deserve it, whatever your problem with him is.

bgmnts

  • Depressed to the point of poisonous toxicity.
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2021, 09:25:57 AM »
this is an epic burn, beautifully worded, but LMC has never said anything that could deserve it, whatever your problem with him is.

What if Jodie Comer was actually 15 years old?

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2021, 09:34:26 AM »
Whenever I see someone running or jogging in the street, a grimace of anguish smeared across their puce face, I always think 'what you running from, buddy?' or 'you can't run forever, buddy'. I know a guy who does a lot of ultra marathons and gimmick races, seeking salvation through self-flaggelation and people telling him they don't know how he can do it. I do. It's because he's in a loveless marriage and he feels disconnected from his kids. He's profoundly unhappy. He wasn't there in their formative years, he was chasing partner status in the city, just like his dad before him. Instead of spending time getting to know them, he now wants to buy their respect by doing this stuff they don't care about at all because they're children, and it also gives him a reason to get away from his wife. Would he be better off reading a book? I doubt it. He should leave his wife and give them both the chance to start again and perhaps be happy.

Cuellar

  • I'm over here
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2021, 09:39:56 AM »


No

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2021, 09:44:24 AM »
Whenever I see someone running or jogging in the street, a grimace of anguish smeared across their puce face, I always think 'what you running from, buddy?' or 'you can't run forever, buddy'. I know a guy who does a lot of ultra marathons and gimmick races, seeking salvation through self-flaggelation and people telling him they don't know how he can do it. I do. It's because he's in a loveless marriage and he feels disconnected from his kids. He's profoundly unhappy. He wasn't there in their formative years, he was chasing partner status in the city, just like his dad before him. Instead of spending time getting to know them, he now wants to buy their respect by doing this stuff they don't care about at all because they're children, and it also gives him a reason to get away from his wife. Would he be better off reading a book? I doubt it. He should leave his wife and give them both the chance to start again and perhaps be happy.

Ah yes, but when I go for a run, for half of it I'm running home to my family.

Sussed.

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2021, 09:49:35 AM »
So you can tell them about your PB and look at their glazed eyes and make them watch you peel off your blisters.

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2021, 09:51:55 AM »
I'm not telling them, they don't appreciate it. Fucking idiots. I'm uploading my Strava times to Facebook so all my friends can see.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Bollocked for being so weird and unpleasant
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2021, 09:53:18 AM »
this is an epic burn, beautifully worded, but LMC has never said anything that could deserve it, whatever your problem with him is.

TBF to madders, I think he was just cracking a joke , in a manner reminiscent of the H S Art stylee. A wry smile played around my chops as I read it, anyways.

Inspector Norse

  • Very much the Myspace of STDs
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #16 on: October 12, 2021, 09:53:47 AM »
There's very little more depressing than being in a new place and having a day to kill.

Depends where the place is. I love being in a new place and being able to wander around and explore at my leisure. Just looking at the architecture, the shops, people-watching.

Then again the kinds of places I think of when thinking about this are interesting major cities, or places with cultural or historical significance. I guess there's a difference between flânerie in Budapest, Bologna or Rejkjavik and having three hours to wait for a train in Peterborough.

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #17 on: October 12, 2021, 10:12:40 AM »
Re-reading an old favourite can cheer me up. 'The Third Policeman' or 'The Lord of The Rings'.  It'll be a bit of a letdown if there isn't a post strongly disagreeing with my literary tastes.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain

  • Bollocked for being so weird and unpleasant
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #18 on: October 12, 2021, 10:16:22 AM »
Off topic, but I used to know a young lady who could recite the * entire fucking script* for the Lord Of The Rings fillum in English AND FUCKING RUSSIAN ( not at the same time, orbviously) ( well it was actually more impressive that she could say the script in English, cos she actually was a Russian lady) How's about that, then?

SpiderChrist

  • Be still, Taggart
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2021, 10:19:32 AM »
When I get like this (i.e. right fucking now) I don't want to read, don't want to listen to music, watch telly or movies, see friends, or any of the things that make life remotely bearable. Unlike LJAMC I don't fear death, as I am looking forward to not having to deal with all this bullshit every fucking day.

Twit 2

  • Unutterable anguish
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #20 on: October 12, 2021, 10:20:32 AM »
When I get like this (i.e. right fucking now) I don't want to read, don't want to listen to music, watch telly or movies, see friends, or any of the things that make life remotely bearable. Unlike LJAMC I don't fear death, as I am looking forward to not having to deal with all this bullshit every fucking day.

This is mostly my position, too.

However, this is the closest to an exception and more or less does what it says on the tin:


Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #21 on: October 12, 2021, 10:29:52 AM »


No

lolz

grew up there and every so often have dim memories of what used to be in that spot. Oracle doesn't feel like Reading to me.

Elderly Sumo Prophecy

  • Your sleep paralysis demon
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #22 on: October 12, 2021, 11:29:36 AM »
Re-reading an old favourite can cheer me up. 'The Third Policeman' or 'The Lord of The Rings'.  It'll be a bit of a letdown if there isn't a post strongly disagreeing with my literary tastes.

You are shit and your books are shit.

Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #23 on: October 12, 2021, 11:50:20 AM »
You are shit and your books are shit.
                       So what are your favourite non-shitty books?

shiftwork2

  • pies this is your time
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2021, 11:52:07 AM »
Riches to Rags by Shane Rags.

SpiderChrist

  • Be still, Taggart
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #25 on: October 12, 2021, 11:56:52 AM »
This is mostly my position, too.

However, this is the closest to an exception and more or less does what it says on the tin:



Thank you. Have ordered a copy.

chveik

  • crazy bit of business
Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #26 on: October 12, 2021, 01:05:32 PM »
Whenever I see someone running or jogging in the street, a grimace of anguish smeared across their puce face, I always think 'what you running from, buddy?' or 'you can't run forever, buddy'. I know a guy who does a lot of ultra marathons and gimmick races, seeking salvation through self-flaggelation and people telling him they don't know how he can do it. I do. It's because he's in a loveless marriage and he feels disconnected from his kids. He's profoundly unhappy. He wasn't there in their formative years, he was chasing partner status in the city, just like his dad before him. Instead of spending time getting to know them, he now wants to buy their respect by doing this stuff they don't care about at all because they're children, and it also gives him a reason to get away from his wife. Would he be better off reading a book? I doubt it. He should leave his wife and give them both the chance to start again and perhaps be happy.


Re: Reading: A Suitable Case For Staying Alive?
« Reply #27 on: October 12, 2021, 01:12:35 PM »
Ah, something else funny I independently thought of having seen it elsewhere.

Tags: