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Older people still living with or going back to live with their parents

Started by Shit Good Nose, October 18, 2021, 11:51:04 PM

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Shit Good Nose

(excluding when it's for care purposes)

A mate has just told me he's getting divorced (the marriage has been on shaky ground for a while, and is the third one in my sphere of friends, work colleagues and acquaintances that has failed either due to or exacerbated by the stresses of covid and lockdowns).  Married for 8 years, together for nearly 25.   He's 54 (55 in January) and has to sell the house to give her her share as he can't afford to buy her out, and his only option for somewhere to live is moving back in with his 85 year old mum.   I also work with a woman who is now in her early 60s that has never moved out (both parents still alive, but must be over 90 by now), although admittedly in her case it's likely because they live in a massive decent house in Bath (the market value for which must be getting on for a million now).

What with house prices being so high and continuing to rise (despite things going on in the world which logic would dictate a crash), I guess we're going to be seeing an awful lot more people either never moving out from their parents, or moving back in when they're hit by a fairly major life changing event.  I can easily see little Nose still being with us in her 40s.

Is it China or Hong Kong where they have 100 year mortgages that get passed down through the generations of the same family?

Video Game Fan 2000

I could be persuaded by the idea that human beings are social creatures and one of the reasons why our brains get rapidly cooked by the internet and entertainment is that the majority of us (but far from all) are equipped for extended families and large peer groups, and we're being pushed into solitary lives because of an economic system so focused on growth thats utterly disconnected from reality. We're like the polar bear going mental in Bristol zoo.

If you've got good people I don't see anything wrong with intergenerational living arrangements. I think that has been the norm for far longer than its been something strange or disappointing.

Goldentony

social mobility worked til about 1981 and now here we are, shagged, up the arse, repeatedly, in the arse, over and over again

Video Game Fan 2000

"housing ladder" is one of the most depressing commonplace expressions. dont get comfy at home, get fucking climbing

conjures images of a catchphrase board showing mr chips getting an injury too brutal to be shown on daytime tv

evilcommiedictator

Quote from: Shit Good Nose on October 18, 2021, 11:51:04 PM
Is it China or Hong Kong where they have 100 year mortgages that get passed down through the generations of the same family?

In the 90s it was Japan and HK, HK it's still probably true now (although with China now, lol, probably not)

checkoutgirl

I felt bad moving back with the folks in my early thirties but 60 odd having never moved out? I don't know how anyone could stick that. My mother is unbearable in a situation like that. Once you're under her roof she gets involved in your shit. Fuck. That.

Shit Good Nose

Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on October 19, 2021, 12:05:25 AM
conjures images of a catchphrase board showing mr chips getting an injury too brutal to be shown on daytime tv

Quote from: Goldentony on October 19, 2021, 12:02:01 AM
shagged, up the arse, repeatedly, in the arse, over and over again

flotemysost

If the Metro articles I keep seeing are to be believed, the way to do it is to live at home until you're about 25 then just buy your own place, having used simple saving tips such as making your frothy coffees at home instead, having a fuckoff deposit handed to you by your parents, and having a stable, comfortable family home you're able to live in rent-free in the first place. Easy!!! Disingenuous bollocks propaganda, it's disgusting they're still publishing shite like this given record levels of homelessness.

Honestly, stories like the one in the OP are what terrify me about the idea of home ownership and marriage, but then being a single private renter is hardly a stable position to be in for a lot of people either.

Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on October 19, 2021, 12:05:25 AM
conjures images of a catchphrase board showing mr chips getting an injury too brutal to be shown on daytime tv

Wonderful

Shit Good Nose

Quote from: checkoutgirl on October 19, 2021, 12:12:16 AM
I felt bad moving back with the folks in my early thirties but 60 odd having never moved out? I don't know how anyone could stick that. My mother is unbearable in a situation like that. Once you're under her roof she gets involved in your shit. Fuck. That.

I do know they are a very happy family unit - parents emigrated from Jamaica in the 50s and are very very laid back, to the point of being stereotypes.  But I know they're probably an exception, but they can't be a unique one.  Plus only the three of them being in a...I dunno how many bedrooms the house has got, but it's plenty big enough for her to escape to some isolated corner (/wing), no doubt makes it easier.  And, I suppose, she nor they know any different

Icehaven

And everyone over 40 of course still has parents they can move in with. Oh hang on no they fucking don't. This idea that "home" even exists for a lot of people is not a thing.

Cloud

Living with them at 39 and can't really foresee moving out.  Even less so now that I'm about to spend 4 figures on teeth!

Just don't see the point in struggling on alone just for the sake of it, and other countries have had multi-generational households for much longer.  Maybe things will be a different story if I meet someone, but that seems unlikely because, well, I'm a nerd living with parents.  They're gamer nerds like me, they're pretty cool, yes there are flaws (the house is a fucking bomb site, can't swing a cat anywhere, no chance of room for full body VR) but it's an arrangement that doesn't have me living in poverty only able to afford to work, eat and sleep.

They're happy to have me there and I'm maintaining a full time job and paying my share (I believe, if not most of it, you know how kind parents can be and I try not to take advantage) so it's only wrong in the eyes of others, like this young woman who was calling me pathetic when she met me drinking with my dad and started asking questions and saying I'd never get a GF (I sure has heck wouldn't want that one, and think I'd want a BF anyway).  Said people can fuck off.

I know it's not always going to be rosy. They're already rather old and not too far from the realms of "elderly" at which point I will end up looking after them and probably having a bit of a struggle.   In the worst case they end up in homes, the house goes, and I'll be too old to get a mortgage and paying silly money to rent for the rest of my life.  But that is a problem for future me.  Got to live for today!

I'm glad it's not quite as heavily frowned upon as in the US.  Christ, if you go on somewhere like SomethingAwful and say you're living with parents into your 40s they'll string you up.

canadagoose

Quote from: icehaven on October 19, 2021, 12:26:31 AM
And everyone over 40 of course still has parents they can move in with. Oh hang on no they fucking don't. This idea that "home" even exists for a lot of people is not a thing.
Exactly. It's such a privileged thing for people to assume, and the papers constantly do it. Ugh.

Doubt I could ever move in with my parents again. There's no room for me, anyway, I'd be sleeping in the living room, and I couldn't be arsed with that. I'll just stick with whatever I've got, ta.

Fr.Bigley

It's the most alien concept to me. I moved out at 15, lost both parents by 25 so was basically do or die. I'm fucked if I lose my job or I split up with the missus. Better keep her sweet lads.

sutin

I couldn't live with my parents again mainly because they don't live in the city, and I no longer know anyone in our town. If I go stay with them for the weekend i'm bored as absolute fuck within a few hours. And i've been away for 20 years now, I have habits my mother wouldn't approve of.

checkoutgirl

Quote from: Shit Good Nose on October 19, 2021, 12:25:20 AM
she nor they know any different

Yeah they don't seem familiar with the concept of tough love. i.e lobbing your 19 year old son or daughter out into the street and telling them to get on with it.

bgmnts

Took a quick look at rents in my local area, ONE two bedroom flat under 600 quid. So yeah, still at home it is then.

A mortgage is basically a massive debt and I fucking hate debt so shan't be doing that. I will never earn enough to even bother getting a house so will just have to let other people buy up all the places and rent it all out to maximise their profit and yield and i'll just try and survive.

Thankfully despite it being very cramped and rage inducing at times, my mother is sound so nothing really bad.

dissolute ocelot

I know a family (very well off) where the daughter, 19, has moved into her first student flat last month, and a couple of weeks later her parents boxed up all her possessions she'd not taken with her, gave her bedroom to her younger brother, and turned the brother's old room into a study. You got to act fast to stop them returning.

Lisa Jesusandmarychain


Chedney Honks

My mum did the exact same thing, can't fuck about with young cunts. Take your chance while they're at the shop or some shit and erase their existence into a skip. I'd still be there now otherwise. Do I resent her for it? Yes. Was it in my best interest? This was not her motivation. Did I survive? That's a pretty low bar.

DoesNotFollow

Quote from: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on October 20, 2021, 07:21:13 AM
What happens when she comes back during the holidays?

Presumably she's going to be studying and sleeping with her brother.

PlanktonSideburns

Not neccicarily parents, but wish there was more of a culture of large groups of people getting as big house together - if it works with family then so be it - not everyone needs to live alone, it often plays right into capitalism's grubby hands, and proves that we're not really ready for anything else as a society.

TrenterPercenter

Quote from: Video Game Fan 2000 on October 19, 2021, 12:05:25 AM
"housing ladder" is one of the most depressing commonplace expressions. dont get comfy at home, get fucking climbing

That is a pretty brilliant observation VGF2K. Chapeau!

checkoutgirl

Quote from: bgmnts on October 19, 2021, 07:26:13 PMA mortgage is basically a massive debt

It is and like having kids it takes losing your job from annoying to downright terrifying. There's a fetish for home ownership in England, Ireland and a few other places that some European countries don't have. Is it something like 70% renters in Spain or something?

Cloud

Part of the argument usually is that because renting is so hideously expensive, it can be cheaper to be paying a mortgage and rather than burning money you get a house out of it eventually.  But yeah.  Still need a huge deposit and it's still a huge debt

Pink Gregory

If only it were just that, somehow taking on a massive loan is more secure than having any rental contract that you might have in Britain.

We're not at all concerned about moving up in the world and 'owning property'; we'd just rather not have sudden eviction looming, be able to fix up the house with *not* the cheapest, shittest options, and continue to have pets.

and also not have some different twat from the agency come and poke around four times a year and castigate us for not having 'reported' the cracks in the wall that have always been there and blaming the damp on having some chilli plants on the windowsill.

bgmnts

I suppose on balance a mortgage is slightly less shit than renting your whole life. But you need credit and very consistent income, which even for competent people is surely tough nowadays?

Johnny Foreigner

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on October 20, 2021, 08:51:02 AM
Not neccicarily parents, but wish there was more of a culture of large groups of people getting as big house together - if it works with family then so be it - not everyone needs to live alone, it often plays right into capitalism's grubby hands, and proves that we're not really ready for anything else as a society.

I have been in house-shares. I takes great patience and nerves of steel. Two people became good friends, but the rest were mostly nerve-racking: occupying the bathroom for hours, making a horrible din in the middle of the night, turning the kitchen into a tip. Infuriating.
I breathed a sigh of relief that lasted for several years when I had found a place of my own. I got set in my ways, of course, but living on your own works perfectly fine if you spend little on gas and electricity, and cut down on your food intake. The knowledge that you have only yourself to take into account is highly liberating.

Now, of course, at 380, I am too old to qualify for a mortgage.

Zetetic

Quote from: Cloud on October 20, 2021, 09:15:13 PM
Still need a huge deposit
At the same time, we're now at the point where demands for huge amounts of rent-in-advance[nb]Which isn't going to be covered by any escrow or independent protection scheme, so good luck getting it back if you're forced out of the rental early by violent housemates, unsafe wiring or mould, etc.[/nb] or a (homeowner) guarantor are normal for people on full-time permanent contracts at a decent wage in much of Britain, let alone people receiving benefits or who are self-employed.

It's increasingly difficult to live in any fashion.

Zetetic

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on October 20, 2021, 08:51:02 AM
Not neccicarily parents, but wish there was more of a culture of large groups of people getting as big house together - if it works with family then so be it - not everyone needs to live alone, it often plays right into capitalism's grubby hands, and proves that we're not really ready for anything else as a society.
Housing co-operatives are a way forward for a small set of people.

Cloud

Quote from: Zetetic on October 20, 2021, 09:32:01 PM
It's increasingly difficult to live in any fashion.

Which is why to be honest, if/when things go pear shaped with the parents, I see "not living" as one of the possibilities.  Of course, hopefully there would be other options, like moving to another country.