Pointless Skills To Make You Proud

[Marcus Or Relius]

I went to a Job Agency place today, a good way of looking for another job without really having to do much footwork with the downfall that it'll probably lead nowhere.

I was compelled to sit down and do some stupid fucking patronizing word-processor skills test and managed a score of 94-words-a-minute. The only thing more thrilling than such a magnificent achievement was sneaking a glance at the woman next to me who scored a laughable 55-words-a-minute, and I liked to think that my taptaptaptaptaptaptaptapping at such an astonishing rate had put her off. And she scored crap at speling.

So, that boosted my ego, that I can type almost a hundred words every sixty-seconds, even though it's quite frankly a poor excuse of a skill and one which in no way boost my chances of getting a job I'd fucking hate anyway.

Who else has skills they're proud of but suspect that no-one else will be impressed by?

[daveytaylor]

I can wire up a three pin plug to British Standards.

[23 Daves]

I scored a hundred words a minute on the last test I took, making you a HOBBY IDIOT and me infinitely superior.  I wouldn't say this is a useless skill, either, it can always make you sound like a genius data entry person.  It's earned me money in hard times in the past, even if it is sodding tedious work.

I'd say that apart from that, my most useless skill is the ability to recall utterly pointless trivia about any eighties or nineties indie band, right down to their personal opinions on the world they live in.  Fucking useless, and as I don't even like much of the music anymore or work in music journalism, really pointless and of little use to me personally.  The worst aspect of it is I bump into these people sometimes now, and i end up shocking them and seeming like a stalker by dropping innocent remarks into the conversation about what they thought about something.  And then they go away.

[Timmay]

I know the most intricate details about CORBA (Common Object Request Broker Architecture), which I learnt in the final year of my degree. Along with many other acronyms that I learnt, this also is fucking useless in the real world - even in the cunting computing industry.

[Uncle_Z]

I'm not bad with a yo-yo

[Doctor Stamen]

Not very impressive, but I can name the winners and runners-up of every European Cup Final (or Champions League, if you're that way inclined) going back to some time in the '60s.

This 'talent' has won me money and alcohol in the past.

I can also still recite my -er, -ir and -re verbs in French, even though i've forgot 99% of the vocabulary in the past ten years and have no intention of ever using French (if I go there, i'll just shout in English a lot until they bring me a frothy biere and a croque monsieur)

[Ambient Sheep]

I know the most intricate details about CORBA (Common Object Request Broker Architecture), which I learnt in the final year of my degree.

You poor, poor, bastard.

Along with many other acronyms that I learnt, this also is fucking useless in the real world - even in the cunting computing industry.

Really?  I see adverts asking for it all the time...

[falafel]

I put that fact that I can read things that are upside down and/or backwards on my UCAS personal statement.

Turns out everyone can do it.

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Not very impressive, but I can name the winners and runners-up of every European Cup Final (or Champions League, if you're that way inclined) going back to some time in the '60s.

This 'talent' has won me money and alcohol in the past.

Oh yeah clever clogs, who were the winners and runners-up in 1982?

[fanny splendid]

1982?

That must be a mistake.

It can't be true.

[Timmay]

Along with many other acronyms that I learnt, this also is fucking useless in the real world - even in the cunting computing industry.

Really?  I see adverts asking for it all the time...

Well, admittedly I'm not looking for jobs in those areas, so probably pass it by. Even still, I would have thought I would at least have something involving it.

Incidentally, if there are loads of jobs asking for it... what are the salaries like? :)

[Lt Plonker]

I can sing 'He's His Own Grandpa' without hesitation or by referring to the lyrics. So don't mess with me.

I can also do a brilliant impression of The Head from Art Attack.

[gazzyk1ns]

I have never lost a game of Scrabble or chess to any of my mates (although Weekender has caned me at both on the net several times).

I can drink 5 pints of beer before having to do a piss. That's probably the one I am most proud of and definitely the one which comes in most useful in real life.

[Frinky]

I can drink 5 pints of beer before having to do a piss. That's probably the one I am most proud of and definitely the one which comes in most useful in real life.

Can't everyone?

[gazzyk1ns]

Heh, I have mates who struggle after 2...

Are you saying you could beat me in a piss-contest?

[Frinky]

Apparently so? Seriously, I had no idea. I don't tend to gauge my mates going for a piss ever, so, I didn't realise. But yes, if you want to play "who can play thier bladder longer" then I'm happy to oblige. Do you have a webcam? We could make this interesting...

[gazzyk1ns]

www.frinkyandgazzyk1nsbusttheirpisssacks.org.uk

[Frinky]

"who can play thier bladder longer"

Note to self: Proof-read, you fuckwitted cunt.

[Purple Tentacle]

I am physically immune to Chinese Burns

[sore bottom mum]

I can sing 'People are People' by Depeche Mode with my hands tied behind my back.

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

Pfff. But can you sing all the lyrics Bring My Family Back by Faithless in 60 seconds?

You haven't even tried have you? But you will...if you click the link below:

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Bring-My-Family-Back-lyrics-Faithless/F0793FC52F44A51148256A8B00201BA0

[king mob]

I can do 120 WPM.

Sad innit?

[Marcus Or Relius]

We've still got a long way to go to beat  this leet chick.. Grrrrr. Her top-speed thrashes me by over 100-words-a-minute. Must be the work of Satan or bionic fingers.

[peet]

I can make a very realistic water-drop noise by flicking my cheek
I can palm a playing card so that it looks like it disappears in my hand
I can do a David-Blaine style levitaion (works very well on pissed mates)

[little pianist]

I can sing 'People are People' by Depeche Mode with my hands tied behind my back.

i can play  Bach's Prelude No. 1 Cmaj (badly) and the theme from 'Love story' (quite well) on the piano with both hands behind my back. ;-)

[DistantAngel]

I take it everyone realises that this is essentially the "What challenge would you do if you were going to appear on You Bet" thread? :)

Given that, I can name any Queen song, what track number it is on which album, the year the album was released, and who wrote the song, purely from listening to the guitar solo on it.

That's probably the most pointless skill ever, and I claim my anorak :)

[Dr David V]

I can human beat-box. I am still hoping that one day this will prove to be of some use.

[twatloops]

I can recognise the material (steel, copper, maple etc) a snare drum is made out of from a single hit.

That's saved the lives of my family and friends on so many occasions, it's scary.

[mook]

I once wheelied from the Plough and Harrow to the Sussex Ox a distance of 1 and 1 1/4 miles on a Kawasaki AR125 whilst drunk. Admittedly I was dragging my feet behind the bike as stabilisers and I didn't get out of first gear, but I won a pint. Totally fucked my boots up though, but thats besides the point.