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March 28, 2024, 11:46:07 PM

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Dating For Begoonners

Started by dekionplexis, March 01, 2004, 11:46:11 PM

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dekionplexis

CUE: The Pixies - Here Comes Your Man

Hello Goof-fer-ner!

It is I, Sir Bastian English III

You know dating can be such a chore, especially if you're hideously grotesque, like, oooh, I dunno, Duncan Goodhew. I do not have this problem as I am the spitting image of Dan Aykroyd.

But worry no more chiefs, for I am here to reduce your stress and increase your chances of getting a 'poke in the whiskers' as the Hindu's say.

Step 1. - 'The Shout'

Women, are delicate creatures, much like a vole with spinabifida, so they need, neigh, demand a firm hand, and not a meek touch like a paedophile with an oiled babe.
The first thing you need to know about women, is that they adore shouting. Not themselves, but men who engage in such an activity. This works on a sub-conscious level, and dates back to 'The Stone Age' when men, having returned from the hunt would expect a reward in the form of 'aggressive fellatio'. The women or 'grunts' would usually be huddled in groups, discussing the new lines in faecal ear-attachments. The men, members pulsating like omelettes would become increasing annoyed and would resort to 'pant-hooting' or shouting to get their attention, if this didn't work, they would usually molest a passing elk.
And such, the attraction of 'the shout' remains a potent remainder of the female psyche. So, let's put it into practice, shall we!

Picture yourself in a modern day club, the music is highly outrageous, in your face and you've lost the sensation on the left side of your larynx due to the volume. Crowded around a nearby broken radiator are a group or 'spunkket' of underage girls in mini-skirts smoking Marlboro Lights and flashing their lack of pubic hair as a sign that they're 'up for it'.

'HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!', you say.
'let-us-fuck', say they.

Another triumph!

Step 2. - 'The Smile And Grab'

The technique of 'The Shout' will however, not work on all of those in possession of a vagina, or 'meeking sparrow' as it was written in the Bayeux Tapestry. For, due to modern society playing tricks on the female mind, some of these young minx's believe themselves to be 'modern women'. These poor souls are like three-eyed sheep in a herd of sparrows, out of place, out of touch, and lost, left to drift in the dregs of a social sluse. They have no idea what they want, and as soon as they do, they change their minds, they make unrealistic demands of any man unfortunate enough to find them attractive, and are usually the ones to end the relationship, because he 'just didn't understand me'.
Truth be told, these cunts demand an even firmer hand than those susceptible to 'The Shout'. For them, we must use, 'The Smile And Grab'.

This technique consists of two parts, firstly, a 'Smile', wide, and doe eyed, to convey sensitivity, and the chance that you might actually lick their minge. And thusly, 'The Grab', similar to 'The Shout' in essence, but tis aggression in a physical form. It consists of grabbing the young grunts left tit, and giving it a bleedin' good 'tweak', or 'twist' as they say in El Salvador.

But where does such a technique originate?
Fucked if I know....

So, let's put it into practice, shall we!

Picture yourself at a funeral, (an EXCELLENT place to pick up pussy by the way, grunts are usually at their weakest mental state, and there's nothing like a death in the family to get a bitch all wet and aching for some cock) the sweet stench of recently burnt Grampa Joe drifts across the air, and into the hair of a sweet young thing throwing a posie into the death hole of her dearly departed geriatric, piss-soaked mother.
Approacheth, do you, smiling like a young Aled Jones, nipple pinching fore finger at the ready.
She meets your gaze, and smiles, sweetly

'Hello my sweet young....BITCH!'
'OW..Oooooh, hellllooooo...'

You have to admit it, I know my shit!

Step 3. - 'The Butt-Fuck-Rape

As German Greer once wrote;

'All women fantasise of being raped, I myself have this fantasy where I am licking the balls of a dying Christ, when I feel a probing member enter mine moistened rectum, tis Judas. I cry out, as he pushes my face into the blood soaked dirt of the Nazarene, the remaining Disciples peer over a nearby elk and begin to pull one others dewey clammed circumcised swords. He pushes hist snake deep into my fudge hole, I cry, and cry, and cry, I look up towards my saviour for solace, and see that he too hast a 'snake made of stone' which is being nibbled erotically by Methuselah.
It's at this point I ram me 'Jessica Rabbit' where the sun don't shine'

Now, there's an important lesson to be learnt here, heavy use of LSD during adolescence will seriously fuck you up.

But Ms 'Dyke-Teaser' Greer brings up a valid point, I know my points fucking up.

If all else fails, which I doubt, just fuck the shit out of the grunt, believe me, she will thank you,....or press charges, either way, you'll get ya stinkin' end away.

Next Week: 'Why Their Really Is No Difference Between A Woman's Mouth And A Mans'

Sir B.E. III

Neil

Quote from: "dekionplexis"paedophile 'aggressive fellatio'. members pulsating like omelettes molest  'spunkket' of underage girls  lack of pubic hair  'up for it'. 'let-us-fuck', say they. vagina, or 'meeking sparrow' as it was written in the Bayeux Tapestry.  these cunts lick their minge. left tit Fucked pussy bitch all wet and aching for some cock piss-soaked nipple BITCH! shit! 'The Butt-Fuck-Rape raped, fantasy licking the balls of a dying Christ probing member enter mine moistened rectum dewey clammed circumcised swords. snake deep into my fudge hole snake made of stone nibbled erotically by Methuselah. heavy use of LSD fucking up. fuck the shit out  get ya stinkin' end away.

Next Week: 'Why Their Really Is No Difference Between A Woman's Mouth And A Mans'

Why not try writing about something other than rape, fucking, cocks, fannies etc?

You know, one of these days I just know I'm going to be interviewed on the news about you..."Well he seemed quiet enough, kept himself to Multimongia, we never expected him to be behind the abduction and skinning of over 200 young women..."

TraceyQ

I expect he's trying to shock us, Neil. Yawn.