Everything you ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask (Part II - The New Batch)

[chav]

All this tipping lark sounds dreadful, I mean why don't you just play double for the fucking thing (in an angry voice). Is this the American Dream? A portion of a service worker's wages are shifted directly onto the consumer in the form of this bizarre protocol - I mean, that's what they say, if you complain about the thing, "Ah don't get paid shit here" - er, how's that my fault?

Mind you, you wouldn't catch me not giving the taxi driver an extra pound. But imagine paying for it everywhere. Even for a bottle of beer! 2 dollars!

[Emergency Lalla Ward Ten]

People who run Pauline-from-the-Leauge-of-Gentlemen-style job courses are always full of bollcks anecdotes about maverick candidates who didn't play by the rules. Their punchline is always 'He got the job'. As in: 'He came in, ejaculated over the interviewer, rubbed it in his face, and sang the theme from Time Trumpet. He got the job.'

In reality, I suspect it's people who do things properly who get the jobs. People who don't do ridiculous, anarchistic, Harry Callaghan things like write 'Please see enclosed CV'.

Mind you, you never know the personal whims of the recruiting people. You'd think candidates would be binned for not being able to spell, for example, but then so many senior employers can't spell either.

[easytarget]

In some bars the waitress that'll come over to you to see if you want a drink, is working for tips only.

Tips only? I'm fairly sure they're on minimum wage. I appreciate that this is not really enough to live on in most cities and tips make up a large % of their pay.

Plus if you down a lot and tip well the bartender will sometimes give you a free drink or if you are drinking spirits/cocktails they'll give you nice big shots. If you don't tip the bartender will 'forget' you are at the bar for a while.

Yeah, the size of the shot is a non-constant thing over here. There are other incentives for tipping well, in our local bar we got heavily discounted games of pool.

[Purple Tentacle]

How many questions do most people get right when they watch university challenge?

None or one. Depending on whether or not I know where the remote is.

Do you switch over for 'You've Been Framed!' for some good, honest, working-class entertainment?

Well that would quite clearly be impossible. You've Been Framed is shown on Saturdays and Universely Challenged is never shown on Saturdays. How could you be so stupid. You fool. I hate you.

He could have it on Sky+, you fucking fucker.

[slim]

I don't know why - 'Please see enclosed CV' seems the very definition of reasonable.

In the case of my organisation, it's because a CV won't tell you what you need to know. The application form and its guidance directs you to apply in a specific way, and if you fail to read that and do so, you don't get an interview.

It's so you can match your skills to the competencies they need for the job to be done. Anyone who includes a CV when they're explicity instructed not to is considered a doofus who can't read or follow simple instructions.

[slim]

It seemed that the whole process was dominated by frustration, and that the frustration was caused chiefly by the hassle involved with dealing with numerous applicants, and the fact that some completely unsuitable candidates turned up.

Heh, it's that last bit that counts. I've had people apply for jobs which have specific qualification requirements, clearly stated, who'll write something like, "I do not have degree in law but nursed with family for over 20 years. I have second class certificate from Tooting College of Waitressing."

[Cack Hen]

I just went to my kitchen and saw a baby hedgehog crawling about on the floor! I was well and truly freaked out to see it in my house. I tried to get rid of it by shooing it away but quickly realised that it doesn't understand "shoo!" and it got scared everytime I came close to it.

I wasn't sure what to do at all, because I've heard they can carry disease. I just waited for it to leave and it eventually did.

Is it a big deal at all? Has it happened to any of you? Maybe it's a common thing, I've just never seen it before so I'm now starting to wonder if it was just coincidence or if there are more hedgehogs in the house.

Sorry that's the ramblings of a man man.

[Marv Orange]

All this tipping lark sounds dreadful, I mean why don't you just play double for the fucking thing (in an angry voice). Is this the American Dream? A portion of a service worker's wages are shifted directly onto the consumer in the form of this bizarre protocol - I mean, that's what they say, if you complain about the thing, "Ah don't get paid shit here" - er, how's that my fault?

Mind you, you wouldn't catch me not giving the taxi driver an extra pound. But imagine paying for it everywhere. Even for a bottle of beer! 2 dollars!

Over there a dollar is just over 50p (dunno what the exchange rate is) so its not much. Plus their service industry is not made up entirely of stroppy cunts just waitng to go home like it is over here. For example in one bar where the bartender forgot my order they made up for it by giving me a 1/4 of a bottle of bourbon for free. You would never get that over here. In fact you'd be lucky to get a 'sorry mate'.

[Milo]

The application form and its guidance directs you to apply in a specific way, and if you fail to read that and do so, you don't get an interview.

What is this specific way, out of interest? What information does it ask for that isn't on a standard CV?

It's so you can match your skills to the competencies they need for the job to be done.

I don't even quite know what that means. Is competency another word for ability? I'm pretty sure it's not a real word.

[SetToStun]

I can understand employers wanting you to write a brief summary of your skills and experience - especially if your CV arrived via an agency. Twenty-two years ago, when I wanted to get out of ops and into programming, I gave my CV to an agency in the City, who sent me off to an interview on the South coast. Somehow, magically, the words "self-taught Wang VS COBOL programming" had translated themselves to "real-time defence systems programmer, ADA a specialty, four years' experience" between the CV leaving me and arriving at my putative employers. That was possibly the single most embarrassing job interview in history.

[the midnight watch baboon]

That was possibly the single most embarrassing job interview in history.

I had phone interview for the RBoS yesterday, second question: Do you have any adverse credit?

Me: Yes, I'm petitioning for bankruptcy.

RBS: We don't take on people with a poor credit history.

Me: Oh. Thanks anyway!

Embarrassingly short.

[the midnight watch baboon]

When is the c&b homepage gonna be updated

[Cerys]

I just went to my kitchen and saw a baby hedgehog crawling about on the floor! I was well and truly freaked out to see it in my house. I tried to get rid of it by shooing it away but quickly realised that it doesn't understand "shoo!" and it got scared everytime I came close to it.

I wasn't sure what to do at all, because I've heard they can carry disease. I just waited for it to leave and it eventually did.

Is it a big deal at all? Has it happened to any of you? Maybe it's a common thing, I've just never seen it before so I'm now starting to wonder if it was just coincidence or if there are more hedgehogs in the house.

Sorry that's the ramblings of a man man.

Awww, that's lovely!  I adopted a baby hedgehog years ago which some local kids brought round after they rescued it from a dog.  Its eyes hadn't even opened yet, and I had to feed it milk through a pipette.  Yes, they can carry disease - but then so can humans and ickle fluffy kittens.  As long as you'd washed your hands after handling there shouldn't have been any problem.

As for whether or not there were likely to be other hedgehogs in the house ... well, I don't know.  Do you have any idea how it got inside in the first place?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I had to feed it milk through a pipette

You had to?

I suppose you had your Home Hedgehog Nurse Kit just sitting there in the attic. It would have been a waste not to use it; 3 types of pipettes, etc.

(I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I'm enjoying these hedgehog anecdotes, and enjoying typing hedgehog.)

[the midnight watch baboon]

New pet shop in town is selling African hedgehogs for £150. They look just like our ones that you can run over for free.

[Divnee Gan]

Why does red wine make your shit green?

[Paul Dee]

I just went to my kitchen and saw a baby hedgehog crawling about on the floor! I was well and truly freaked out to see it in my house. I tried to get rid of it by shooing it away but quickly realised that it doesn't understand "shoo!" and it got scared everytime I came close to it.

I wasn't sure what to do at all, because I've heard they can carry disease. I just waited for it to leave and it eventually did.

Is it a big deal at all? Has it happened to any of you? Maybe it's a common thing, I've just never seen it before so I'm now starting to wonder if it was just coincidence or if there are more hedgehogs in the house.

Sorry that's the ramblings of a man man.

Oddly enough, exactly the same thing happened to me on Friday night. It came in (the back door was open for the cats), wandered about for a bit then we picked it up using gardeining gloves and put it outside. The thought of it carrying disases never struck me for some reason.

[slim]

What is this specific way, out of interest? What information does it ask for that isn't on a standard CV?

It's so you can match your skills to the competencies they need for the job to be done.

That way. Oh, and supplying any additional information you think would be appropriate.

I don't even quite know what that means. Is competency another word for ability? I'm pretty sure it's not a real word.

Kind of, a competency is a skill, or set of skills, needed to achieve a function of the role. So a competency may be:

"To be able to interpret performance data and present analysis both verbally and in writing"

for example. They're a bit more open than abilities, because they don't necessarily focus on a single skill - it's about the process you need to perform to get the input to the output they want, and you being competent at it.

[SetToStun]

Why does red wine make your shit green?

I don't think you're actually supposed to eat the bottle, you know.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Why does red wine make your shit green?

I don't think you're actually supposed to eat the bottle, you know.

Now we're told.

[Cack Hen]

Awww, that's lovely!  I adopted a baby hedgehog years ago which some local kids brought round after they rescued it from a dog.  Its eyes hadn't even opened yet, and I had to feed it milk through a pipette.  Yes, they can carry disease - but then so can humans and ickle fluffy kittens.  As long as you'd washed your hands after handling there shouldn't have been any problem.

As for whether or not there were likely to be other hedgehogs in the house ... well, I don't know.  Do you have any idea how it got inside in the first place?

Well the back door was closed but it had been open for ages. I suppose it just came in and got locked inside, like a hedgehog version of The Crystal Maze. Although I didn't see a team of hedgehogs screaming motivational slogans at him through the catflap while a bald one played the harmonica and quoted Shakespeare.

And no, I didn't have any pipettes to hand. Funnily enough my mothering instinct didn't kick in, I was too afraid that it was going to attack me. God knows how, it was petrified of me.

[Cerys]

If it was pottering about on its own it was probably old enough to eat slugs.  Maybe.  How big was it?

I had to feed it milk through a pipette

You had to?

Well, as opposed to the alternative, which was to let it die.  It was too young to eat solids.

I suppose you had your Home Hedgehog Nurse Kit just sitting there in the attic. It would have been a waste not to use it; 3 types of pipettes, etc.

Never underestimate the value of the Home Hedgehog Nurse Kit.  If we'd had one we wouldn't have had to go to Boots.

The poor little thing died in the end anyway.  Sob.

[Cack Hen]

Shit, don't put hedgehog manslaughter on my conscience!

It was quite small, but it wasn't tiny tiny small. I'd say it was about the size of the palm of my hand.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Although I didn't see a team of hedgehogs screaming motivational slogans at him through the catflap while a bald one played the harmonica and quoted Shakespeare

That's just made me laugh all over the place!

If anyone from Wimblemong is short of ideas, I'd love to see Richard O' Brien's Hedgehog Palace.

[Divnee Gan]

Why does red wine make your shit green?

I don't think you're actually supposed to eat the bottle, you know.

:-D, Come on, red wine drinkers! I can't be the only one to have an inquisitive look at my faeces before I flush, can I?

[SetToStun]

Goodness knows I've sunk enough Claret, Burgundy, Chianti and assorted others to have noticed if that was a common side-effect. Apart from blackish lips and gums, I can't say I've ever spotted any other colour-based oddities. Mind you, my shit's always pure white and smells of rose petals, so I may not be the best person to comment.

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

Just the other week I saved a hedgehog from drowning in the canal. I had just got out of bed when my mother started shreiking about a hedgehog in the canal! I ran down in just my pants and it was there, kind of swimming but barely moving, it's head drooping under the water and bubbles coming out of its mouth in the most alarming way! I grabbed it using a towel and put it on the grass. I then had to go out but I am assured that it wandered off very happily later in the day and I am 100% confident that I saved it from imminent death!!

Erm, that wasn't much of a question was it.

Here's one: Do hassidic jews have jobs, and if so, what?! I've never been served by one in Morrison's.


(Locking this at three hundred pages as it's so large that some of the admin tools won't now work on it...go ahead and start a new version if you want.  Incidentally, I'd prefer it if people tried to break some of these questions off into their own threads, as there aren't enough new threads getting started in GD now, and even stickying this one doesn't seem to have slowed it down.  The alternative is that The Mods will start manually splitting to make decent new threads. To be honest, it's really dull to see the same clutch of threads permanently stuck at the top of GD, and some of the old light-hearted threads just get guzzled up by this one in particular.  Thanks.)

(On second thoughts, I don't think I do want people starting another iteration of this thread.  The first one ran to 283 pages, so we've now had over 11,000 questions and answers, and I think that'll do us for the time being.  Time to change the furniture around. Thank you.)