You play far too many computer games if...

[Marcus Or Relius]

You play far too many computer games if...

1. You close your eyes tightly and try to enter slo-mo bullet-time and achieve nothing more than some funny looks from passers-by

2. When crossing very busy roads you wander out without looking, not caring about being run-over because you can always quick-load back to that morning if the worst happens

3. Your Sims have a wonderfully neat home, a fridge full of food and are wealthy high-flyers, whilst in reality you're sitting at your computer, unemployed, ankle-deep in rotting garbage and you've forgotten to go to Tescos for the fourth week in a row

4. You can safely land a virtual 747 at a virtual airport in a virtual hurricane with your eyes shut, but can't remember how to ride a bike

5.  To their bemusement, you suggest to your tall bald friends that they should "get a barcode tattooed on the back of  yer head, people will think you're a hitman!"

6. Upon being arrested for car-jacking, armed-robbery and mass-murder, you're surprised that you can't just to pay a $100 bribe and be standing outside the police station, at liberty to continue your crime spree

7. When broke you try to sell some technology - like the Printing Press or Warrior Code - to your neighbours in return for a lump sum of gold. If they refuse, you invade them

8 . At the slightest hint of trouble in a pub you whip out a Plasma Gun and run backwards at 40mph, firing wildly and reducing everything in a 40-foot radius to it's component atoms

9. You reduced your new spouse to tears on the honeymoon to Paris by spending the nights trudging through the sewers, claiming there were some Silhouette hostages you had to rescue

10. If you suffer a nasty injury at work you attempt to heal yourself by placing a First Aid Kit on the floor and walking over it

11. You think shooting alsatian dogs with Luger pistols is pretty neat

12. Smacking someone's head off with a shovel, pissing on a tramp, sodomizing a cat with a shotgun and setting fire to the owner of the corner shop are some of the normal events that happen when you go to buy a pint of milk

13. You won't walk across sand in case a giant worm gets you

14. You admire sunsets and think "Cool graphics!"

15. You have no friends. <sob>

[Purple Tentacle]

When you go to the fridge to get a drink you feel for your crowbar to smash it open with.

This has happened to me.



On a more cerebral note I find that if I play Chess for a lengthy period of time I see people standing diagonally to eachother, and think "wow, he could take her, what's she thinking?"

[Joy Nktonga]

Your thumbs are the strongest part of your body.

[Marcus Or Relius]

When you go to the fridge to get a drink you feel for your crowbar to smash it open with.

I remember you posting that anecdote, I can relate to that. I played Deus Ex for 18-hours non-stop - apart from wee-wee breaks - when I first got it.

/pauses to bow down in the compass direction of Warren Spector's house

I played Unreal Tournament constantly for two-months once and I honestly started walking sideways - or strafing, to use the technical term - when dodging passers-by in the city-centre.

Sad. Sad sad sad sad. Sad.

/goes off to play computer games

[Darrell]

...you make this.

It's effectively abandoned now though.

[Garfield And Friends]

I find that I start driving very aggressively after having playing a driving computer game, or have gone go-karting with friends. That 'safe because I can save and restart' mentality still lingers after the computer has been turned off.

I blame the internet. Ban it! Ban it good!

[Ambient Sheep]

...you hear the wind-blowing loop from Quake when you shut your eyes in bed at night.

[Frinky]

You try to avoid security cameras, which happened briefly during my GoldenEye fever. That and trying to press B to open a door. It's funny how that, for a split second, seems like the cleverest and most logical thing to do, and how much those thoughts shock you!

[Sam]

You dream about them.

[Ambient Sheep]

...hearing the "lander picks up a humanoid" noise from Defender (usually sampled on some record) gives you an almighty adrenalin rush.

[Hans]

You start arranging wall patterns into lines.

[twatloops]

You dream about them.

After playing tomb raider for the very first time all those years ago, I used to find myself daydreaming as I walked along thestreet about how I could get to certain windows if I could do double jumps off this to that etc.

The power of a good reality check does wonders sometimes...

[DonkeyRods]

....Sad. Sad sad sad sad. Sad.

Thats  nothing...years ago I spent about 8 hours solid making maps for the Mac Doom-a-like Marathon. That night I went out and got extemely drunk (nothing else, mind). I remember spending most of the night staring at all the people I was dancing with, having recurring thoughts of "shit! there's too many entities! its all going to crash!" and "No! You can't stand there, it's an illegal polygon!". Oh man, it was horrible, like those nightmares where you keep thinking the same thing again and again.

/goes off to play computer games

Great idea, me too...

[Cambrian Times]

I play "Runescape" a java based  RPG game by Jagex and I remember the forum had a similar topic

You have been playing Runescape too long if:

You could kill a level 200 King Black Dragon just by looking at it.

You can eat three anchovy pizzas and four whole tuna without feeling ill.

You beat Bluerose13x  (high level player) at smithing (similarly, you can smith full rune in one go)

You are Andrew Gower (game creator)

[Incredible Monkey Doctor]

(similarly, you can smith full rune in one go)

That's actually a sign you are one sad bastard. I'm a (large) bit of a geek and have no idea what that means. That means you are beyond geek, and into a new realm of sadness.

[Rats]

- your pixelated grandad keeps refering to the kitchen as "sector G"

- You can bring off fatima whitbread using only your thumbs

- you walk the streets with a far away squint, gripping a matchbox with both hands and leaning sideways whilst going round corners

- you drive on the wrong side of the road, sticking stars into the top right of the windscreen everytime you run someone over

- You make a chiming sound everytime you pick something up

- Everytime you see someone carrying a cardboard box, you scream something about mushrooms and run into it with your head.

- You insist that you're a qualified pilot because you've spent two months without eating, playing Clipboard Action's "dystrophy pilot 3000"

[TOCMFIC]

I once hallucinated a giant battlemech trashing the town I lived in. That was fun.

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

10. If you suffer a nasty injury at work you attempt to heal yourself by placing a First Aid Kit on the floor and walking over it

That's the moment of genius in that stack of goodies.

You know you're playing too much computer games when...you're hiking in the North York Moors with friends, when you suddenely decide to imagine a platoon of Covenant charging at you from the brow of the hill, you take your Assault Rifle out to give them a spray of bullets, and then use your pistol scope to go for a headshot for the main Elite, before chucking a few grenades over to wipe out the stragglers.

EDIT- And if you look at a sheet of printed writing and all you can see is a web of white where the gaps are between the words.

[Purple Tentacle]

..if you actually burst into TEARS because the fucking Water Temple on Ocarina was designed by Satan himself.

Not that this happened last night, oh no.

edit: Oh, and I threw my gamepad so hard that the cable flew out of the Cube and whipped me in the face.

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

*chuckle*

I was rudely interrupted whilst playing PGR2 online by the sound of my brother walking through the room, tripping over my controller, and pulling the lead out. Fortunately the xbox controller leads have this trip-release thing which stops you from damaging the controller port. Unsurprisingly I ended up finishing last.

It's a good job I don't play PGR2 in a first person perspective, because I'd probably dream about that- the amount of hours I've wasted* on it.

*No. Not wasted. Enjoyed. Live LOL NO dream..etc.

[Frinky]

Ahem.

[Matthias]

I often replay game footage in my mind when I'm daydreaming.

[mwude]

When you've played Championship Manager so much that for a whole 45 minutes walking your dog you do nothing other than thinking up quotes to give at your next imaginary press conference.

Meeting someone called Ken & the only thing you want to say is "How'reyouKen?" like in Street Fighter 2 and being uncontrollable with laughter because it's the funniest thing ever.

Playing too much MarioKart & expecting when you flick down your indicator in your real car that it will do a small hop sideways.

In tall buildings with expansive views I always want a sniper rifle.  I could blame this on a computer game, but we all know I'd be lying.

I don't even own a console & never have done (not since my ZX Spectrum anyway) and my PC is too shit to play games on.  I think this is a good thing.

[Krang]

Meeting someone called Ken & the only thing you want to say is "How'reyouKen?" like in Street Fighter 2 and being uncontrollable with laughter because it's the funniest thing ever.

*snigger*

When in a driving lesson, you think the streering is perhaps too sensitivie, so u try and "bring down console to lower it"

what was i thinking?

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

...If you own this.

[Pinball]

Not caring if you fuck up a day at work 'cos you'll just replay it later.

[Krang]

Thinking that people in real life were 1 second behind me because of lag.

[Morrisfan82]

Every time you get into your car, instead of starting it by turning the ignition, you slot a pound coin into one of the dashboard air vents.

You know you played far too many computer games in your adolescence when you're in the midst of a semi-nostalgic mid-twenties Revenge Of Shinobi-a-thon, you get stuck on the maze level, and you know EXACTLY which issue of circa-1990 C+VG you need to get out to find the map.

Actually, it'd be worse if you just didn't get stuck on the maze level really wouldn't it. Ahh well, there's hope for me yet...

[Vermschneid Mehearties]

..if you've stayed inside for so long, you've got rickets.

[hencole]

You play too many computer games when you post on a comedy forum instead of a games forum all the time and piss off the genuine comedy nuts with your childish and imature hobby. Thus resulting in 'cunt off' you spotted faced geek remarks and causing near anarchy that can only be resolved by Chris Morris creating a computer game based on his early GLR shows.