I've never had a girlfriend.

[Sam]

I'm 19 years old. I've had three one-night-stands, one with a best friend whom I dearly love but can't have that kind of relationship with (that old chestnut). I've been asked out a couple of times but turned them down a) for superficial reasons, i.e. not attractive enough; b) because the responsible side of me didn't want to lead them on (all I wanted at those points was sex really and not a relationship); c) because at those points (all within the last couple of years) I was too embarrased to have a girlfriend whilst living with my parents.

I thought that, once I got to Uni, I'd probably get a girlfriend. However, I've had fuck all luck since I've been here. Not pulled once, not even flirted really. In fact, zero sexual contact of any kind. Which is weird, seeing as I consider myself friendly, sociable, outgoing etc etc and I'm not a deformed and ugly freak. I suppose I had the idea that everyone must have of Uni being one big hazy shag-fest.

I'm not sure I want a full blown relationship--I've seen people in those and they look more trouble than they're worth at this stage. I think all I want is a nice, casual thing going with sex and a bit of companionship to boot.

Should I be worried that nothing's happened yet? Should I wait for "them" to come to me or should I be more assertive?

Disclaimer: This is a serious thread and I'm appealing to those who might have been (or still are) in a similar situtation. I hope people can see the distinction between this and the low-brow "is anal sex any good?" tat. :)

[Uncle_Z]

At 19 you should chill the feck out young 'un.  Enjoy your anarchy.  Someone will pin you down soon enough.  If you want meaningless sex now and then find out what pub the ladies rugby team drink in.  By and large they will be good fun.  (Some of them may indeed be both bi and large, so everyone's happy.  B'dum tish)

[Jet Set Willy]

Fuck it, I'm the same but older and I don't care.

[Sam]

By and large they will be good fun.  (Some of them may indeed be both bi and large, so everyone's happy.  B'dum tish)

Nice.

[Ambient Sheep]

I'm not sure I want a full blown relationship--I've seen people in those and they look more trouble than they're worth at this stage. I think all I want is a nice, casual thing going with sex and a bit of companionship to boot.

A "friends that fuck" sort of thing?  You'll be lucky if you manage it.  But good luck, it does happen sometimes.  Never to me though.

[Sam]

I'm not sure I want a full blown relationship--I've seen people in those and they look more trouble than they're worth at this stage. I think all I want is a nice, casual thing going with sex and a bit of companionship to boot.

A "friends that fuck" sort of thing?  You'll be lucky if you manage it.  But good luck, it does happen sometimes.  Never to me though.

No I don't mean fuck-buddies (to borrow a detestable term from "Sex and the City") but rather the increment between that and a "serious relationship". If you know what I mean.

[Ambient Sheep]

No I don't mean fuck-buddies (to borrow a detestable term from "Sex and the City") but rather the increment between that and a "serious relationship". If you know what I mean.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean, I didn't put it very well.  That's even trickier... ;)

What he said up there is good advice...just chill.

[Smackhead Kangaroo]

Bah. YOu're probably under that disgusting illusion that you're only normal if you're as filthy as a grenade enema.
Does anyone else behave extremely cynically when it comes to people interested in them?
My automatic reactions are these:
1) Hmm What's her angle? She must be after something
2) Ah here we go again bring on the freaks, what's wrong with YOU then?
3) (If she's giving me the eye) There MUST be something wrong with your eyesight.- this isn't just a flippant one I do consider this.

[Lt Plonker]

Well, you're doing better that me, that's for sure. I'm having a hard time competing with a masturbating puppet.

I know what you mean about being embarrased about having a girlfriend. It's not so much about being embarrased because the girl is a weirdy, oddball nutcase, but because attention is suddenly thrust upon you. Is that it? I was very quiet all through school, and the very thought of asking a girl out, and then having half the class suddenly fussing over me, gossiping etc, made me feel sick.

I suppose you're half way there, being confident and outgoing. That's the stepping stone I'm looking for.

I've found that University isn't the shag fest I was hoping for. That's why I went Speed Dating last night. You should try it. It's brilliant! You get to sit with actual girls for a whole 3 minutes! I met more girls last night than I thought would be possible!

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

I've found that University isn't the shag fest I was hoping for. That's why I went Speed Dating last night. You should try it. It's brilliant! You get to sit with actual girls for a whole 3 minutes! I met more girls last night than I thought would be possible!

I think that should be the start of a whole new thread!

[TraceyQ]

It's ok, Sam. I've never had a girlfriend either.

[Sam]

It's ok, Sam. I've never had a girlfriend either.

Oh well, that's comforting......

.....


.....

.....

....WAIT A MINUTE!

[Hemi]

Edited because I'm not exactly the wisest soothsayer.

[Bogey]

Speed-dating sounds very stressful, very humilating and very, very stupid to me. Mind you, it's got the laws of statistics going for it.
Did you go on your own? Were the people there serious about it, or were there groups of girls out on the (taking the) piss, and such?

Anyway, wait till you're 24, then the madness and soul-searching really begin to kick in. The older you get, the more farcical, surreal and pointless your life starts to seem, which is a bit of a dangerous state of affairs I suppose.
Paradoxically, the longer the state of celibacy lasts, the less urgent the situation seems a lot of (though by no means all) the time and you start to wonder whether you're really cut out for this romance malarkey.

It still sucks though, bitterly.
I shake my head in wonderment sometimes.

[ccab]

Sam, this is a near-suicidal urge you're getting & I'd recommend you try & ignore it. Serious relationships at 19 can waste some of your best years caged in a relationship that won't be permanent, but which will last just long enough to snuff out some of the best opportunities you'll ever get.

It's a kind of destructive masochism, like looking to waste your vote in a tight election on the green party; or as a family man, donating your home to a charity for amazonian shrubs. In short, it's a fucking horrific waste.

How I wish I could roll time back.... Don't be a mug, Sam. Shag richly while you can. Don't gag yourself with some precious ape for a few desert years. The novelty wears off so quickly - and then you're left tied to her by tasteless loyalty. So, punt down side alleys now - & wait till later before you emerge in your Grand Canal.

[Sam]

Sam, this is a near-suicidal urge you're getting & I'd recommend you try & ignore it. Serious relationships at 19 can waste some of your best years caged in a relationship that won't be permanent, but which will last just long enough to snuff out some of the best opportunities you'll ever get.

It's a kind of destructive masochism, like looking to waste your vote in a tight election on the green party; or as a family man, donating your home to a charity for amazonian shrubs. In short, it's a fucking horrific waste.

How I wish I could roll time back.... Don't be a mug, Sam. Shag richly while you can. Don't gag yourself with some precious ape for a few desert years. The novelty wears off so quickly - and then you're left tied to her by tasteless loyalty. So, punt down side alleys now - & wait till later before you emerge in your Grand Canal.

Ah, majestically put. I'll try to take that to heart. :)

[Bogey]

I presume there have been threads along the lines of, which is better out of single and not single?

The answer being whatever one is not I suppose, cynically.

[Cheese Arse H Christ]

Sex is gay

[Rev]

Sam, this is a near-suicidal urge you're getting & I'd recommend you try & ignore it. Serious relationships at 19 can waste some of your best years caged in a relationship that won't be permanent, but which will last just long enough to snuff out some of the best opportunities you'll ever get.

Never a truer word spoken.

[Bogey]

Maybe so, but this is not the sort of thing you can tell people. You have to find out for yourself.
And it could be construed as patronising, though I'm sure it wasn't intended that way.

[Sam]

Nothing patronising so far. I need all the advice I can get in this, the game of lurve.

[Bogey]

ich auch

[sore bottom mum]

My advice young fellow, is leather. Girls just love a man in leather, right down to underwear.  Keep it baggy though and walk in a gay manner, girls love gay men. Oh, and this goes without saying, but you need to show you have a sense of humour.... try wearing fun socks.

Most girls, my Mum tells me, have the classic 'rape fantasy', so try looking intense and slightly disturbed as well.

If you need any more help, just PM me. Take care Sam.

[Bogey]

'rape fantasy'

To what extent is that actually true, and what does it mean?

Is it linked with the penchant girls are supposed to have for the "bad boy", and are there analogues for the gentleman (eg. the bimbo or slut perhaps)?

[Sam]

My advice young fellow, is leather. Girls just love a man in leather, right down to underwear.  Keep it baggy though and walk in a gay manner, girls love gay men. Oh, and this goes without saying, but you need to show you have a sense of humour.... try wearing fun socks.

Most girls, my Mum tells me, have the classic 'rape fantasy', so try looking intense and slightly disturbed as well.

If you need any more help, just PM me. Take care Sam.

Thanks for the worthwile contribution. You're really funny.

[butnut]

The best advice here is to relax about it. And maybe it's hypocritcal of me to write that since I started the 'girls and me' thread a few weeks ago where I was moaning about my complete failure to even speak to women I don't know at parties.

But, in my experience, getting a girlfriend always happens when you least expect it, and often with the person you least expect it with. I've never done the whole chase them, woo them thing. I'm just not that sort of person. I'm just going to sit here until the next fish bites.

And please feel free to laugh at me on my next 'why I am so bad at meeting women?' rant.

[Bogey]

I think this thread is good and important, so I'm going to try and keep it going.

So, right, when you do have a partner, and important one that you actually care about and such, to what extent does it change your life? Your outlook, your priorities, confidence, mood and so forth.
Do you feel more grown up, more of a man?

Are there any people here who "started" rather late? Does that make you appreciate the thing more, or does it make you wish you'd thrown caution down the toilet and got it over with years ago instead of fagging around convincing yourself you're waiting for "the one"?

Indeed, why do so many people offer such nuggets of wisdom to the lovelorn; ie. "don't worry about it, there's no rush, when it happens it happens, etc. etc."?
A load of bollocks, surely?

[Kingboy_D]

I wouldn't stress about it mate, I got my first long term girlfriend when I was 19 and looking back on it she was a total arsehole and I wasted two years with the cunt when I turned down plenty of opportunities to have saucy fun with an array of partners. And don't worry about stringing a girl along if its just for sex, chances ar at that age she just wants the same. And don't KB a girl because she's a bit mis-shapen or doesn't look like Jordan, some of the best romps I've had have been with girls that were, how shall we say, not "traditionally beautiful". Look for the beauty in people and not the ugliness.

Thus endeth the lecture.

P.S the grass is always greener on the other side, when you get a bird you'll wish you were single so you could shag that young tart down the disco. Meh.

[Bogey]

You see!

Funny how such advice always comes from those who know.

[butnut]

Yes - it's always much easier giving advice on other people's love lives - because they don't matter to you. It's having the ability to look at your own relationships (or lack of) in the same way, that counts.