CAB PANTO!

[TotalNightmare]

Well, if the League Of Gentlemen can do one, lets say we do one too!

(and as Jemble said himself, im sure we could)

Also, its coming close to Xmas (so say the fucking massive amount of adverts that have spunked onto my telly screen since Halloween was put to rest) and it would be fitting to have a nice little story to have in time for the season.

From our massive collaborative brain power, im sure we can bash out a Pantomime MegaMix story.

Rules:

Keep you entry at a reasonable length
(I or one, can't be arsed sometimes to read thru massive blocks of texts and it would make following it harder for any newer writers to the thread)

The Entries must be in 'script' form with stage directions if needed, dialogue, scene changes and such.

Try to cram in as many typical Panto devices (crap puns, 'its behind yous', needlessly inserted popular hits, drag queens, slapstick sequences)

Lets not load it full of characters that will make it hard to follow.
We need:
One Hero
One Heroine
One Villain
One Panto Dame
A Father/Mother Character (or King etc)
Two Sidekicks to the Villain
A 'Buttons' type character
A doddering Law Official type sort

and the any more characters can be used to fill out scenes.

Apart from that, keep it as flippant, odd and typically 'CaB' as possible and feel free to mix up the Panto style stories (it doesnt have to be all Cinderella). It can be an original story, but with plots and such nicked from the world of panto and fairy tales, basically...


OK... i hope that isnt too much of the old 'law and order' gubbins...

Lets begin...



THE 2005 CAB XMAS PANTO

SCENE ONE:

THE CASTLE: MAIN HALL

There is to be a big celebration in the castle grounds and in the main hall, bunting, balloons and such are getting put up around the great majestic (cardboard cut out) room.

The scene is dressed by 30 stage school twats in sparkly Lycra costumes all singing

CELEBRATION - Kool And The Gang

A big song and dance sequence ends with KING NOBEND and QUEEN NOTALOT enter on stage to a round of applause from the cast and (hopefully) the audience.

PAIGE: (Not Elaine)
Prey Silence and welcome our fair and just monachs, KING NOBEND and QUEEN NOTALOT

Cast goes wild with kick jumps, cheers and backflips... they then fuck off stage for a costume change.

KING:
Ahh, what a glorious day in my Kingdom! It is my daughters BIG day and i want the world to know she is 'of age' for finding a Prince.

QUEEN:
Ahh, sweet sixteen! Lets hope that now she is 'of blob' she can settle down with a prince who looks like a girl and bring me forth a child that will carry on our lineage!

KING:
Well said my fat wife! Bring out the musicians, call for the jokers, hang the black men, this is a day to be remembered!

ENTER STAGE LEFT
A creepy, mysterious figure in a gown and pointy hat, OTTA BASTARD, who turns to the audience and whispers

OTTA:
Ah yes, this will be a day to remember, the day i ruin the King and Queen, destroy this happy day, attack the Princess, take over the Kingdom, rule with an iron fist and piss into a babies mouth!

BOOs and HISS's from the audience

OTTA:
Ah fuck off!! Im the baddie, deal with it! Mwah ha ha ha ha

SFX:
THUNDER AND LIGHTENING

OTTA exits STAGE LEFT

QUEEN
Thunder, lightening, looks like its gonna piss down, on this, our special day... oh wait, its stopped now. A baddie must have been close by...




....

[Jemble Fred]

KING
Here comes Harald the Herald!

QUEEN
Oh yeah look there he is.

KING
Coming along there now.

QUEEN
Yeah, he should be here in a minute.

KING
I like his shoes.

QUEEN
Yes, they are nice.

[Enter HARALD THE HERALD]

HARALD
Everyone shut the fuck up and listen to me! Today, in the Kingdom of Cramlington, on the day of the sixteenth birthday of Princess Lorraine, is issues a Royal Quest.

KING
I know nothing about this.

HARALD
Shut your fucking mouth and listen, your majesty.

KING
Oh, right ho.

QUEEN
He's a bit full of himself, this 'un, isn't he?

KING
Nice shoes though.

HARALD
Whosoever should give Princess Lorraine the finest, grandest, fit-for-a-princess-est orgasm shall be given her hand in marriage, and..

KING
Now hang on a minute.

HARALD
Now I've had to speak to you once, your royal majesty. Once more and I'll shove the bastard crown up your regal fucking back-hole. Y'DIG?

KING
I... I dig. (Small voice) I am The King aren't I?

HARALD
...shall get Princess Lorraine's hand in marriage, and a magic cat who can tell you the time in Sydney. This is the decreeeeeeeeeeeeee of the state, and the competition shall begin at the stroke of 13 o'clock this afternoon. You've been great.

[ENTER CAPTAIN HOOK.]

[ffogems]

Captain Hook enters Stage Left to an ineptly choreographed song, intended to convey good-hearted nastiness, like an angel coated in slime and shit.

The music stops before Hook can reach his stage mark, and has to walk in almost silence. Almost, because blaring out of the speakers, from a microphone accidently active backstage is the sound of a little boy -

BOY
I'm eating these Gummy bears Mummy, and there's shit all you can do abou-

HOOK
Good morning, King and Queen.

KING
Good morning, Mr Hook.

QUEEN
What can we do you for, Mr Hook?

HOOK
Nothing really, just passing through.

KING
Fair enough.

HOOK
Cheerio then

Hook exits, already mouthing a profanity to the person backstage who incorrectly told him he was due on.

KING
Look darling, is that Ricky Gervais?

QUEEN
I think it is.

Sound of trumpet. A carriage enters stage right. The sound of horses hooves against gravel can be heard, despite there being no horses (apart from a facially-deficient grocerer in the background, who is rhubarbing like an ugly woman who is afraid to stop talking and address her unattractiveness)

Ricky Gervais, dressed as Ricky Gervais, is carried out of the carriage by four pantomime cows.

[kjkinky]

KING
Ooooh look at that cute little fatty...Queenie has he come to entertain us with racisms and other peoples jokes?

QUEEN
No my lovely he is the Royal Executioner do you not recognise him outside of his PVC?

KING
Oh that's what he looks like...(under breath) I feel sick...

PAGE (to King's left)
Are you ok Big boy?

KING
Fine Fine...I'm Fine.  Royal Executioner (and Royal Rod) why have you come to us on this eventful day?

Off stage left in Royal Box sit two distinguished gentlemen downing frivolously several large bottles of port

HECKLER

Pile of shit

KOCH

I know the fucking dance routines, acting, set design, cheap celebrities...

HECKLER

No Pile of shit mid stage.  One of Ricky's girlfriends has just prolapsed...

HECKLER & KOCH

Laugh uncontrollably to each other

[Jemble Fred]

KING
Um... where was I? Is this going to take long, only I've got to be cottaging by 10 PM, I promised so many people. Okay... Right, yes. Ahem. Royal Executioner (and Royal Rod) why have you come to us on this eventful day?

ROD
Just, y'know, having a look round. Wondering what's up, you know? Chilling.

KING
Fascinating. And you?

EXECUTIONER
I HAVE COME TO KILL. And, you know, chilling as well.

[Enter PUSS IN BOOTS. He vomits up a half-digested pigeon's head, screeches at everyone, claws the King's face and leaves.]

QUEEN
...It's probably just your smell, dear. Call the vet.

Pure gold I'm sure.... well, it's free anyway.

[TotalNightmare]

LIGHTS OUT

A Jolly little tune accompanies the stage change and soon we find ourselves in the bed quaters of PRINCESS PECHE, as she sits on the corner of her bed, combing her LONG blong hair and singing...

SONG: Someday My Prince Will Come
(But with some lyrics changed so that it doesn't piss off Disney too much)

Song ends

PRINCESS:
Fuck me i'm bored. Bored, bored, bored...

(this goes on for 4 minutes until the scene change is completed... the back wall has a nasty habit of falling down, so there needs to be a stage hand hold it up at the back)

..Bored. It's my 16th birthday and all my family can think about is getting me married and knocked up so i can have a sperm rat to raise! Im too young for that, oh yea, i want a boyfriend, one that looks like Matt Damon or Will Young, but only to fuck about with at weekends and go out on the town with.
(Turns to audience)
Boys and Girls, do you think i will ever find a man, to hold, squeeze, please, kiss and miss?

AUDIENCE
Cries of a confusion - 'yes's' and 'no's' and 'show us ya tits'.

PRINCESS
Fat fucking good you lot are, it would have been better to ask this magic mirror on the wall... oh yea! Ive got a fucking magic mirror.

See goes over to it, stares hard... and says

PRINCESS
Ooh, its a helicopter! Ah fuck it, i knew i should have asked for one that speaks, and not one you can see piss poor 3D images in.
God, i bored. I bet my party will be shit! Jellies and Pando Pops and Jesters who make balloon animals. i've never had an alcoholic drink, and i could really do with getting rat-arsed tonight.

The Princess stands up from the corner of her bed and walks down stage, dragging her LONG hair behind her, draped across the floor like a bridal train.

PRINCESS
And WHY won't they let me cut my hair. It gives me huge headaches.

ENTER a cute little guy, not attractive, but just 'cute' wearing garishly colourful servant's gear and there is a little spring in his step. His name is ZIPPERS.

ZIPPERS
Hello Princess... Hello Boys and Girls!

AUDIENCE
Fuck Off Zippers, ya shite arsed little bollocks!

ZIPPERS
That was strangely organised!
Anyway, hello princess, how are you today?

PRINCESS
Arrrgghhh!

ZIPPERS
What's wrong?

PRINCESS
You are standing on my fucking hair!

ZIPPERS
Oops, sorry Princess, i am a clumsyboots!

PRINCESS
You are a fucking menace, god knows why my father hired you! Actually, he's a stupid fuckhole, so it makes perfect sense. Whaddya want?

ZIPPERS
Well, its your big day and i just wanted to give you this.

He hands her a single rose.

PRINCESS
I WANT A PSP!

ZIPPERS
I can't afford one, im only a humble servant!

PRINCESS
You can't afford one because you spend your cash on dope!

ZIPPERS
(To audience) Oh i love her, boys and girls, i wish she could fall in love with a sinmple errand boy. She is so fair, sweet, well spoken...

PRINCESS
Oi, nob-end! Talk to me, not to them! What are you nattering away about?

ZIPPERS
Oh nothing.

PRINCESS
Then fuck off out my sight, im depressed.

ZIPPERS
Ok, i just came to impart the news that your parents await you in the main hall. Where the festivities and Ricky Gervais awaits you.

PRINCESS
Gervais? Is he doing pantos now? Is he doing the jester balloon animals thing?

ZIPPERS
No, he wrangled a larger role for more cash... he's an executioner or something.

PRINCESS
Oh i thought Lional Blair was playing that.

ZIPPERS
No.

ENTER CAPTAIN HOOK

HOOK
Hello King and Queen...

ZIPPERS and PRINCES
Not yet!

PRINCESS
Did you not read the script you wank?

HOOK
I'm gonna fucking kill that stage manager!

HOOK leaves in a right strop.

PRINCESS
Alright, i'll go to the main hall, as long as you carry my hair!

ZIPPERS
I would be honoured.

JOLLY MUSIC as the scene is changed again
Backstage a voice is hear crying
"I held that wall up for one fucking small scene? Brian could have done that"
As the lights go out, a loud crash and clatter is heard as the back wall drops to the floor.

[Jemble Fred]

Enter PRINCESS LORRAINE

PRINCESS LORRAINE
Hello, children and non-children. Has there been a girl on here in a pretty pink dress and a pretty silver tiara claiming to be a Princess? Have you seen her?

DA KIDS
Yeah, she's just gone.

PRINCESS LORRAINE
Just gone? Oh, I do hope she returns because I'M GONNA RIP HER FUCKING LIPS OFF AND STUFF THEM UP HER LYING CUNT! I'M THE BASTARD BLOODY PRINCESS ROUND HERE, THE KING AND QUEEN ARE MYPARENTS, and it's MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Enter PRINCESS PECHE

DA KIDS
She's behind you!

PRINCESS LORRAINE
Sorry, children, what was that?

DA KIDS
Never mind.

PRINCESS LORRAINE
No, go on, say it again.

DA KIDS
She's behind you! The woman you were just going on about, she's directly to your rear! Fucking hell.

PRINCESS LORRAINE
Oh, thank you children.

[PRINCESS LORRAINE gets PRINCESS PECHE in a headlock, ,and starts to pummel her rvial in the eyes until blood spurts over the front row. PECHE tries to get in a quick kick to the cunt, but accidentally boots the PANTO COW in the udders, and it wildly flails into the front row. Finally, PRINCESS LORRAINE manages to demobilise PECHE with a wrsetling hold.]

There we are, girls and men, I've got the nasty old impostor. Now who wants to come up on stage and kick her in the kidneys? COme on, don't be shy!

[kjkinky]

HECKLER

Wake up its getting exciting! The audience is revolting and there is a fight on stage...

KOCH

I didn't think it was that bad...

HECKLER & KOCH

Laugh uncontrollably to each other

[Jemble Fred]

Enter MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY, the big fat jolly Dame, glistening with baubles and tinsel.


MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
HALLO, CHILDREN!

THE AUDIENCE
Ohhhhhhhh..... FUCK![/i]

[Goldentony]

Enter Chief of Police Leroy Jackson

LEROY JACKSON
GOD DAMMIT WIBBLY WOBBLY, you was late for work again

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
exscuse me do i know you?

LEROY JACKSON
man stop acting the god damn FOOL and tell me where you was yesterday?

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
err i was in my....BAKERY OF FUN!!

(audience cheers)

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
shall we go there now children?!!!!

(audience cheers)

(chief of police leroy jackson fires six shots into the air)

LEROY JACKSON
HEY HEY GOD DAMMIT, now i KNOW you wasnt at the bakery of fun because they IS no god damn bakery of fun

Audience
OHHHH YES SHE WAS

LEROY JACKSON
man SHUT yo' inbred mouths

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
there is!! i am madame wibbly wobbly, queen of the bakeries!!

LEROY JACKSON
look, steve, stop doing this you scaring me, you scaring you collegues and you scaring your family

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
oh stop lying leroy

LEROY JACKSON
WE LOST FORTY EIGHT GOD DAMN CIVILIANS LAST NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOU, WHERE WERE YOU

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
what? i dont know who you are or what you're doing

(points gun at madames head)

LEROY JACKSON
TELL ME GOD DAMMIT

MADAME WIBBLY WOBBLY
....i was in the garden drinking cooking oil....

LEROY JACKsON
and....

MADAME WIBBLY-WOBBLY
nude

LEROY JACKSON
now GET OUT my god damn precinct

[Jemble Fred]

LEROY (Into his Walkie Talkie if they're still called that)
Send in the people of restricted length.

[ENTER SEVEN LITTLE MEN WITH WHITE BEARDS CARRYING PICK-AXES. THEY SING, UNFORUNATELY]

SCARY MIDGETS
We dig, dig, dig that we're not big, we beardy little freaks,
But every year we have good cheer for several Winter weeks.

When panto calls our agents like us, and we will not shirk,
Because it is the only time that we are all in work.

With Star Wars gone, and Tim Burton using loads of CGI,
Even Gilliam will not help, it makes us want to cry.

And so we all dress up like gnomes, though the fame that we all crave is,
Denied to us – we can't all be like Warwick Fucking Davies.

So we sing, sing sing, till nearly Spring, we beardy stunted whores,
At least our lives won't end up like, poor David Rappaport's.

[One child claps, and is rightly smacked. Enter THE LITTLE MERMAID, EBENEZER SCROOGE, the PANTOMIME FLAMINGO and CAPTAIN HOOK. Pause. Exit THE LITTLE MERMAID, EBENEZER SCROOGE and CAPTAIN HOOK. Pause. Re-enter CAPTAIN HOOK. Is it the interval yet?]

[Goldentony]

[enter Batman]

BATMAN - hello boys and girls, d'you know what a pyramid scheme is? well i can tell you, this isnt! we, as in, i, will send you this amazing free clock radio in return for YOUR help, and you want to help batman dont you?

[kids cheer]

BATMAN - so anyway, when your mums an dads are out b oogie woogieng to the flying pickets and that, i want you to find their 'savings' a....

[enter Robin]

ROBIN - batman, batman

BATMAN - what now you fool im busy

ROBIN - batman, the phone bill just came

BATMAN - oh right, and what?

ROBIN - well its two grand, someone made four hundred calsl to the SEXXX line

BATMAN - robin i really dont think this is necessary

[Jemble Fred]

ROBIN - What's that?
BATMAN - What?
ROBIN - That thing over there.

Pause. BATMAN cranes his neck to the far side of the stage.

BATMAN - Oh. That's the Pantomime Flamingo.
ROBIN - Well, what's he doing?
BATMAN - It looks like the Radio Times Trackword.
ROBIN - Oh. I got that one straight away.
BATMAN - Yeah me too.
ROBIN - He's been there ages.
BATMAN - Well, he's a Flamingo.
ROBIN - I suppose.

CAPTAIN HOOK explodes, slowly.

[Goldentony]

FLAMINGO - wayne you cock, what did you get for 5 down

BATMAN - grandmaster melle mel

FLAMINGO - fuck off its only four letters

BATMAN - no look, grand master me....oh you're right it was 'fork'. jesus.

[enter phill mitchell]

PHIL - oi, batman, i wanna fackin word with you

BATMAN - errr....hello phil whast the problem.

PHIL - WHERES MY CAR, I GAVE IT TO YOU TO PARK AND NOW ITS GONE, I WANNA KNOW WHERE IT IS

BATMAN - phil, why are you naked?

[end scene]

[Jemble Fred]

Lights up on LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, who has been there all the time. She puts out her fag, snorts away a whole pound of mucus, and addresses the audience.

LITTLE RED
Right, let's get some cunt up from the audience then. ANY CUNTS IN HERE WANNA COME UP ON STAGE? Come on, you useless fuckbags, you get a free bottle of Panda pops and a Julian Clary T-shirt. No-one? Right.

LITTLE RED claps her hands, and from the shadows of the auditorium, slavering wolves appear and leap into the crowd. Eventually a group of them get purchase on one small child wearing a 'Bratz' T-shirt, drag her up onto the stage, and dump her at LITTLE RED's feet, bewildered and bleeding.

LITTLE RED
Let the fun begin. NOW.

[Jemble Fred]

FLAMINGO
God, is she alright?

LITTLE GIRL
Where... where am I?

LITTLE RED
SHUT YOUR FACE! You're not supposed to have any scripted lines, you'll look like a plant.

Enter ZIPPERS

ZIPPERS
Hoho, if I put some leaves on my head and stood in a bucket, then I'd-

LITTLE RED shoots ZIPPERS through the left eye, whips the pistol back into her knickers and continues to interrogate the child.

[fudgemonkey]

Enter some dwaves wearing balclavas performing Ghost Town.

[Clinton Morgan]

Then at the point where Doc sings, "No job to be found in this country." a pantomine goose runs on followed by a naked man with a Aristophanic erection.

NAKED MAN: I'm going to fuck the duck! I'm going to fuck the duck!

The pantomime goose falls over the dwarves' picks and shovels that have been left in a pile stage-left and the naked man rigorously fucks it. The goose sings the banshee part of the song whilst the dwarves have a discussion.

DOC: Now lads we must form a union.

SLEEPY: Why, you're not a communi......zzzzzzzzzz.

GRUMPY: Personally, I see no point in unions....

BASHFUL: You're right. After all our bosses don't treat us that bad...

GRUMPY:...No you cunt....

NAKED MAN: I wish this bird had one, it'd be like choosing between BBC1 and BBC2 in the early eighties.

GRUMPY:...I just don't want to pay £9 a month for the privilege.

DOC: Oh, I despair. I'm going off into the corner and drink some vile foamy liquid whilst Mr. Featherstone illuminates me with a green light.

Walks off. Exit other dwarves.

DOC: Okay, Coy.

Doc is illuminated with a green light.

DOC: And now I shall drink the vile foamy liquid with toxins taken from Ahmet Ertegun's bath-mat.

Doc chugs the drink and then proceeds to make Phil Cool like distortions with his face.

SCHOOL CHOIR: Men of Harlech, come to glory....etc

Doc faints onto the floor. A gobo of a dragon is projected onto the back of the stage. Doc slowly wakes up only this time he is wearing a Mark Volman wig and carrying a four foot leek under his arm.

WELSH DOC: Well, there's lovely. Oh no! I've gone and fucked up with the bloody potion. It should have worked the bloody other way round. Bloody hell.

Enter Snow White.

SNOW WHITE: He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...

[Goldentony]

SNOW WHITE: oh i get so lonely sometimes in the fairy kingdom, sometimes i wonder will i ever find true love........................OH MAN! KING BUZZO!

KING BUZZO: oh shit er

SNOW WHITE: wow what are you doing here?!

KING BUZZO: you know i have absoloutely no fucking idea, i was looking for the BP garage, i fancied a knock off price chicken and mayo sandwhich

SNOW WHITE: listen, buzz, i think some bad shit is going down in the fairy kingdom

KING BUZZO: so i heard, the evil katharsisssssssssssss is draining the powers of the princess day by day, i was going to save her but i just got confused and went the pub instead

<ENTER EDDIE MURPHY>

EDDIE MURPHY: ALL Y'ALL SUCK MY DICK

<EXIT EDDIE MURPHY>

SNOW WHITE: what pub?

KING BUZZO: the pub

SNOW WHITE: stop being so obnoxious you fat bastard

[Jemble Fred]

Enter DUSTIN GEE, dragging a heavy chain.

DUSTIN
Woooooh! Snow White, Snow White, you must change your boozing, cursing ways, or you shall end up with a chain twice the length of mine!

SNOW WHITE
Oh my God, Dustin Gee, who used to be Les Dennis' comedy partner but died in the mid-eighties, and did Panto with Dana in Wolverhampton in 1983!

DUSTIN
The very same. I used to think of nothing but panto. The milk of human kindness was lost on me, as I flitted from Jack In The Beanstalk to Babes In The Wood to Dick Whittington, all the time drinking and swearing like what you am up to right now. Change your ways, Snow White. Try some Chekhov. Get your agent to put you up for a few Shakespearian roles. It is your only chance of escaping my fate.

SNOW WHITE
Well, thanks for the advice.

DUSTIN
No problem, I just thought I'd say.

SNOW WHITE
Yep, I'll let you know how I get on.

DUSTIN
Back to hell for me then. (Off he goes)

KING BUZZO
That's not very nice if his family are in tonight, is it?

SNOW WHITE
Well, it hardly matters.

[Goldentony]

<enter superfly>

SUPERFLY: EYY SNOW WHITE YOU RAT SOUP EATIN' MOTHER FUCKER GIMME MY GOD DAMN MONEY

SNOW WHITE: oh jesus, fly, look....

SUPERFLY: DONT GIMME NO GODDAMN LIES, IMA TAKE YOUR FAT ASS

<flying kicks snow white in the mouth then breakdances off stage>

STAGE HAND: err....medic?

[Jemble Fred]

Re-enter WHAT'S LEFT OF CAPTAIN HOOK, riding on the PANTOMIME FLAMINGO.

HOOK
Now this has gone on far too seriously long by half, okay? Who believes in intermissions? Clap your hands if you believe in having a break from all this SHIT and trying to get to the bar before the fifteen minute bell goes!

Everyone claps, the curtain falls for, ooh, a year or so.

INTERMISSION.

[TJ]

A HEAVY CURTAIN READING 'SAFETY CURTAIN' COMES DOWN'. A SIGN LIGHTS UP SAYING 'NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY (IF TAKEN WITH CAMERA HELD NEXT TO YOUR SURPRISED FACE)'.

AY AND PLC GET UP FROM THEIR SEATS

PLC: Well I don't know about you, but that doesn't look much like 'Michael Flatley On Ice' to me!

AY: Come on, let's go and get some Kia Ora from the refreshments stall.

A SQUIRREL HIDING IN THE ROYAL BOX THROWS A PACKET OF TOFFOS AT PLC, WHO IS KNOCKED TO THE FLOOR.

[Goldentony]

ANNOUNCER: and now ladies and gentlemen, your half time entertainment, because the fat clown school kid we usually wheel out has collapsed, NEW ORDER!!

<New Order launch into Krafty>

SUMNER: YEAAAAAAAAAAA COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

CHILD IN AUDIENCE: play 'confusion'

PETER HOOK: what? shut up you idiot

DAD: dont talk to him like that you arsehole

PETER HOOK: YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!?

<hook dives into the crowd>

BERNARD SUMNER: peter!! nooooooooooooo!!

<sumner dives in after him>

<stephen morris levitates out of sight>

[neveragain]

THE 'SAFETY CURTAIN' IS RAISED ONCE MORE, REVEALING THE SET OF AN ENCHANTED WOOD REPLETE WITH HIDEY-HOLES. SHAME AS THE INTERVAL HASN'T ACTUALLY FINISHED YET. FIFTEEN MINUTES PASS, THE MUSIC STARTS UP AND QUEEN NOTALOT WANDERS ONTO THE STAGE ALONGSIDE THE FLAMINGO AND CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTONE.

Queen: Now listen!

Flamingo: Hmm?

Queen: I've brought you here-

Flamingo: You've brought me here?

Queen: Yes, I've brought you here-

Flamingo: Here? (LOOKS PERPLEXED)

Queen: Yes, now I've brought you here-

Flamingo: You've brought me here? (LOOKS GRAND, LIKE FRANK SKINNER AFTER HE'S SAID SOMETHING VAGUELY SEXUAL)

Queen: Yes. I've brought you here-

Flamingo: Well?

Queen: Well what? John Wells?

Flamingo: You'd already told me that, what's the point of repea-

QUEEN NOTALOT UNEARTHS A CANNON AND BLASTS THE FLAMINGO TO PIECES. CHILDREN CHEER. THE QUEEN TURNS THE CANNON AROUND AND TAKES OUT SEVERAL OF THOSE AS WELL.

Queen: Now, children, listen. I've brought you all here to... FUCKING kill the lot of you! Similar to the manner in which Neville Eragain has killed this thread.

[Goldentony]

*Planet rock by Afrika bambaata plays over the PA*

<Enter The King, doing the running man backwards>

The King: let it be known that i on this the, king, do announce that....

Queen: you've just interrupted me again you fool

The King: what do you mean again? who are you?

Queen: er, the queen, your wife of many years?

The King: you cant be, for a start you've got a beard

Queen: er no, no i havent

The King: yes you are, you're just LYING again, AGAIN

Queen: mike stop shouting

The King: you cant stop ME ive got MAGICAL POWERS, look!

Queen: thats not magic you're just drinking two bottles of gin at once

The King: YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS, AND i am KING OF BREAKDANCING, look!

<The King head spins into the orchestra pit>

[fudgemonkey]

On walks a midget, talking backwards.

MICHEAL-Hello, I am Micheal, and I am a dwarf.
QUEEN-Oh, a dwarf.

Peter Hook gets back on stage.

The dwarf points at him.

DWARF-I am the arm.
PETER HOOK-What in hell's teeth is this?
DWARF-I am the arm.
PETER HOOK-What, watch out for the severed arms.

Severed arms rain onto the stage.
Just then, a rabbi is fired out of a cannon across the stage.

The entire stage explodes, only to be replaced by another.
Audience member-THis bears no resemblance at all to reality.

Suddenly, Richard Pryor appears, alive and well and just like he was in the 70's.