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March 29, 2024, 09:50:37 PM

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My brother died today.

Started by Sam, March 04, 2004, 10:36:12 PM

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It Was Cancer

I did the eulogy at my friend's funeral, all I can say is don't hold back.  You don't need to be formal or organised, maybe write something yourself or read what you think your brother might appreciate. Do have something written down though or else you might feel overwhelmed.  Don't get nervous, just say how you feel, take your time.  

I hope it goes well. xxxx

fanny splendid

Only do it if you really want to. As others have said, don't feel pressured into anything.

My sister died a couple of years ago, and I had to tell all my family, spend Christmas eve at the morgue waiting to officially identify the body, and then provide an embarrassing, couple of hours long interview with the police about all the sordid little secrets of my famliy's past. Then I had to clear her flat, sort through all her belongings, save some stuff, dispose of others et c.  Not a good Christmas.

I was expected to stand up in church and make a speech, but i just couldn't do it. I couldn't even sit at the front of the church, I had to sit at the back. Anyway, I got quite protective over my rights to behave how I saw fit. They weren't encroaching on the rights of others, so there was no problem as far as I saw it. So just do what you feel easiest with, and again, don't feel pressured into doing anything.

Fucknose

I totally agree with what's been written here, this isn't a test of your public speaking, so try not to get nervous about it. If emotion overwhelms you, take a minute to get yourself together - slow deep breaths, before you carry on. If you don't want to do it then don't . At my friends funeral a few years ago, a close mate of mine read at the side of the grave. He spoke as if to our mate, telling him about the footie scores from the night before, and how we were all going out soon, that we'd really miss him etc. It was so touching and at one point even made me laugh. Make sure you have it written down and take it very slowly. Write it for yourself and your brother, noone is going to critisise what you say. Think of the things that made your brother who he was and chat about them. Take it easy Sam, and good luck.

Matthias

My thoughts are with you Sam.

Eulogy: My dad spoke at my grandmother's funeral recently. He told of how she was when he was younger, how she dealt with him when he'd been naughty. He finished off by remembering her last holiday... he and his wife had taken my grandparents to Spain. gran held a snake.. he said he would never forget the look on her face.. a mixture of delight, surprise and worry!

He held back tears and had to pause frequently, but he told me he felt much better for having made the speech. Especially remembering some of the funny moments in her life.

Don't feel pressured Sam. The speech will be a big help to you in grieving for your brother.

fum

Sam I'm so sorry. My sympathies go to you and your family.

The only advice I can give about the speech is, whatever you choose to say it will be the right thing.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

Look after yourself.

Fi

23 Daves

Whilst I realise I'm adding nothing new here, Sam, I'm very sorry to hear your news.  Keep your family close to you, don't hold back your feelings, and I'm sure you'll get through this time however absurd that sounds now.

Take it easy mate.

Smackhead Kangaroo

I have no condolences to offer Sam. I just don't feel anything. Hopefully that's not insulting to you, but as a person distantly removed form you I'd feel it's meaningless to tell you how sorry I am.
I#'ve encountered suicide three times (I think) in my life, and all of them have been somewhat, unremarkable.
The first was my older brother, who was a cunt and ran away form home along time ago, he didnt get on well with my parents and was one of those people (I'm led ot believe) who just didn't gain that certain type of maturity most of us get. I hadn't seen him for some years and he was never close. Moreover when it came to the funeral, I felt vaguely disgusted with myself for attending (not to mnetion a certain negative feeling to my mother who forced me to go). This was just due to the fact that he was basically a stranger to me, when it came to the time when I had to throw my handful of dirt I felt really uneasy, like some morbid bastard who just goes to funerals for fun or something. It was a meaningless affair for me, I'm not afraid to admit it.
The second instance was when a friend of mine attempted to commit suicide. Since all the events happened out of my sight again I wasn't particularly affected, despite it being a friend. and I had a discussion with her at the time about how it was meaningless for me to say sorry. I was well aware of people constantly offering her a shoulder to cry on, and the annoyance it often caused too. Since I was well known for being a cold touch anyway I said that I wouldn't be doing that either, which she was oddly glad to accept. Having said that I said also that I wouldn't have been too bothered either way if she'd died or lived. since she was alive things were going to just be normal, so I'd have a neutral response. If she'd died it would have been her own choice ( an act she failed to articulate to me, not because such things are difficult to pin down but because she was very dishonest with herself,). If it's of any note she was one of those slightly odd home educated girls who are just another form of alternative person, she was very well read put lacking in life experience, and seemed to almost like wallowing in depression, which I'm pretty certain was perpetuated by her being one of those girls who ocnstantly read sylvia plath's Bell Jar and rave on about it.
Depression is strange, do people really know they're depressed when they are? how do they come to know it? I always presumed it was like happiness in that there are moments you can pin down but most of the time you can't tell til afterwards. I was accused of it a lot in my past and didn't feel despairing or anything. In fact I thought I was just quite negative. I still am, but I never felt utter hopeless despair that some people say they have. Then again I was always strongly motivated to live, if that makes sense. Then agian you can't argue when someone pulls open a dictionary and points to 'depression' saying, "look Smacky! You're in the dictionary!" Or when people won't leave you alone in the kitchen in case you touch the knives.
Anyway the final brush with suicide was when a friend's brother killed himself.  My friend was always a bit withdrawn and I don't know what he did for sure afterwards but supposedly he was withdrawn for a bit after. I think this was due to his own battle with depression and shyness more than his brother who was a teenage twat. When it came to having a conversation with him about it, he admitted to having the same sort of lack of feeling that I had, although he was slightly drunk, I believe this to be at least vaguely the case, he did think his brother was a little runt too. perhaps if his brother had passed that stage of teen wankery he'd have been more affected. But  then it was the teen wankery that made his brother kill himself.
That was probably of no use to you. But it's a different response and the overwhelming majority who seem to think that you should be strongly affected.

Just thought I'd ask something of people, going back to the case of my female friend who attempted to kill herself, we had a mutual friend who didn't find out about it til much later than the event. Basically she got extremely angry with me for not teling her that our suicide attempt friend had attempted suicide. Now Was I just being cold in my reasoning or was I justified in not mentioning it, one because basically I didn'tt think of it, the event may sound big but ultimately had no effects on me so it wasn't weighing heavily on me. and two because when I did remember I didn't think it was right, or my place to inform her of that information, rather that that should have been undertaken by the suicide girl herself, since it would have just become idle gossip had I mentioned it, which is not really what such a thing should be