Clumsiness (or how to get a pint of varnish out of a carpet)

[Mr Flunchy]

Clumsiness, we all suffer from it.  It strips our cool away and exposes us for the fragile husks of humanity we really are.  What's the clumsiest thing you've ever done, did it hurt anyone, and what were the repercussions on your life.

Also: Hypothetically speaking, if I had spilt a pint of 'Yacht Varnish' on my carpet, how would I go about removing it?

[Utter Shit]

Also: Hypothetically speaking, if I had spilt a pint of 'Yacht Varnish' on my carpet, how would I go about removing it?

Did it capsize? Hahahahaha.

OK, I'm off.

[sproggy]

New Carpit.  Kachingggg!

[DonkeyRods]

Also: Hypothetically speaking, if I had spilt a pint of 'Yacht Varnish' on my carpet, how would I go about removing it?

Rub some yachts into it to soak it all up?

[Joy Nktonga]

Also: Hypothetically speaking, if I had spilt a pint of 'Yacht Varnish' on my carpet, how would I go about removing it?

Varnish the rest of the carpet and claim you've created the next great interior design trend.

I have to question the merits of varnishing your yacht indoors in the first place.

[Purple Tentacle]

It's clearly the carpet inside his yacht, he's speaking to us from his wireless interweb connection from the middle of the Mediterranian, the cunt.


Why is yacht spelled like that? Did someone sneeze while they were dictating the spelling or what?

[5 Knuckle Shuffle]

Why is yacht spelled like that? Did someone sneeze while they were dictating the spelling or what?

In the sixteenth century the Dutch began building light, fast-moving ships designed to chase the ships of pirates and smugglers away from the Dutch coast. The Dutch called this vessel jaght, which is a derivative of the Middle Low German word for a fast, light sailing vessel, jachtschiff, meaning literally 'hunting ship'. These were later called yacht

[Cerys]

I dropped a can of black emulsion on the pale green Axminster carpet my landlord had, for some reason, decided to put in the living room of our student flat.  Vanish Carpet Mousse saved my life.

[hands cold, liver warm]

cut the section of stained carpet out. Then cut similar sized sections randomly throughout the entire room. Then make a fortune by writing an interior design book detailing how you made your intriging and novel carpet patterns. Then get your own television show on BBC2 where you go around people's houses and cut holes in their carpet. Then accidentally cut a hole in a person who looked like a carpet and go to prison. Then write a prison interior design book and host a prison design tv program on channel 4.

Then lose your yacht in the inevitable socialist revolution to the government who re-nationalise all yachts. The yacht will be later used to defend the revolution from naval attacks by France and the US.

You might well be in prison again for illegal yacht ownership.

sorry

[butnut]

Why is yacht spelled like that? Did someone sneeze while they were dictating the spelling or what?

In the sixteenth century the Dutch began building light, fast-moving ships designed to chase the ships of pirates and smugglers away from the Dutch coast. The Dutch called this vessel jaght, which is a derivative of the Middle Low German word for a fast, light sailing vessel, jachtschiff, meaning literally 'hunting ship'. These were later called yacht

I assummed you were bullshitting. But no, this site agrees with you. Clever clogs.

[Mr Flunchy]

ugh.. for some more details - I'm in a fairly unventilated student accomodation - and the fumes are making me somewhat light-headed.  What are the chances of me getting brain damage if I sleep in what is, essentially a big can of varnish.

[Cerys]

I'm not sure about brain damage, but you'll probably feel sick and headachey until you get it sorted.  Maybe you could take up the carpet and air it?  Then go to work with a chisel.  Or maybe that'd be a bad idea....

[splattermac]

move everything out of your room and then turn the carpet over, then move back in to your lovely new home, complete with new carpet smell (albeit suspiciously like varnish)

does your body hair match the carpet? you know what I'm suggesting.

similarly, throw the carpet away, then go around the campus collecting pubes and return, varnish the bare floor and sow your new carpet threads liberally, then market it

'pumice rugs'

[Hairy Chin]

ugh.. for some more details - I'm in a fairly unventilated student accomodation - and the fumes are making me somewhat light-headed.  What are the chances of me getting brain damage if I sleep in what is, essentially a big can of varnish.

Have you tried a form of ventilation? Opening a window, for example.

[gazzyk1ns]

Remove all furniture. Take the carpet up and clean any of that spongey shit off the boards beneath. Remove the gripperods from round the edge of the floor. Sand down the floorboards with varying degrees of sandpaper, at least 3, finishing with a very fine glasspaper. Then go out and buy some woodstain of a shade which would look good on your floor and apply 3 coats of that... before going to get some (more) varnish and coating it a couple of times with that. Replace furniture. When your landlord comes to visit, take one of two approaches:

1. "Yeah... I hated the carpet so I conned some money out of my parents so I could get it done, it cost £650!"

2. "Carpet? Sorry? Wha..."

[Mr Flunchy]

Ok.. the curb the fumes I put my dressing gown on top of it.  The gown has now fused to the floor and appears to want to stay there... The window is open as far as it will go and I'm still dizzy.  

I might sleep in the living room tonight.

Also, I don't have a yacht, I was hoping if I left Yacht Varnish around, any women I bring back may assume that I'm a big shot.

[Cerys]

Ah.  Cherchez la Femme.  Especially if she has a tin of atomic-strength carpet cleaner.

[Mr Flunchy]

Also, I don't have a yacht, I was hoping if I left Yacht Varnish around, any women I bring back may assume that I'm a big shot.

That sounds worse every time I reread it...

[TraceyQ]

House contents insurance? Just claim and go! Easy.

[Cerys]

I'm not sure they'd cover stuff belonging to his landlord.  Some places are like that about furnished rentals.  So I'm told.

[Reverend Minge]

One of my mates said that he always thought of me as clumsy, which surprised me as I'd never even been aware of it. I later mentioned this remark to another friend and was amazed when he replied that  I was "the clumsiest person he had ever met".

Maybe I'm just not that self-aware.

Though before the first week was out in my first real job as a designer I'd managed to put a scalpel right through my hand. Many years later during a bout of unemployment I took a job at an engineering firm where I really came into my own - I suffered numerous scar-quality gashes, burns, electrocution and, oh yes, nearly lost my left hand on the second day.

Thank god I was sacked after three months......

[elderford]

Yacht

The dyslexics' kryptonite.

[peet]

http://www.allabouthome.com/tips/cleaning/carpets.html

[Robot DeNiro]

What are the chances of me getting brain damage if I sleep in what is, essentially a big can of varnish.

It may kill you, but you'll have a lovely finish.

[Mr Flunchy]

Here's another scar-worthy incident.  

It was an April morning, the cool air of winter was just beginning to mix with the joyous heat of summer.  I was in university, and I had just received some good marks for some assignments.  I was buoyant, filled with life.  Dancing around in my joy I thought it would be a good idea to slide down a bannister into the lobby.

From the moment I made that decision, I was doomed.

I slid down the 10m wooden bannister, picking up an inordinate amount of speed.  I realised that I may actually be going too fast to land properly.  I hit the ground, stumbled forward, and crashed through a plate glass window with a big Salford university logo on it.

Silence.

I slowly realised what had happened, at the same time as I was aware of a dull aching pain in my hand.  Looking up, I saw 30 silent open day people on a tour staring at me.  Looking at my hand I saw blood, and lots of it.  I staggered through the crowd, bleeding profusely and ran into the street.  It turned out I had some quite shocking lacerations on my hand, so I plugged them up with toilet paper.

To this day I have a scar on my finger that reminds me of my foolish actions.