Pen thieves

[Cleveland Steamer]

"Alright mate can I borrow your pen for a second?"

Now that pen is GONE. Pen purloined. The pen you brought from home because well just in case you need it. A pen you bonded with. A pen made with skill and care in a pen factory in Hanoi. THEFTED. Can't even write a eulogy for it.

CUNT.

Don't make me wriggle like a pathetic needy slithery worm man across the carpet to your desk "maaate can I just get me pen back, maaaaate".

I don't even like throwing old pens away. It's like having a pet put down. That noble tube of plastic served its duty and this is how you thank it. Someone got up early and went to their job in the pen factory and moulded the body of that biro and milked ink into its proboscis, sealed it with a cap, signed it off, and away it went across the Pacific ocean into your supplies cupboard and this... this is how you return that love... binned for running low on ink. FILL IT UP MATE. LET IT LIVE AGAIN.

And do your duty. Give back borrowed pens. Use refills.


(nb I don't give a fuck about any other kind of stationery - you can shove that all in the shredder)

[Cleveland Steamer]

Hey, or if pen really no good write no more, donate it to a school. An inquisitive child with a mind for science might wish to utilise its narrow carcass in firing a pellet of flob into the back of his friend's head.

[Cloud]

I had a wooden hand-turned pen I took to work.  Lovely it was, my first go at wood turning.  I'd never lend it to anyone, someone just straight up half inched it off my desk and I never saw it again. No one owned up when I sent an email round asking who.

Should have their hands cut off. 

[Glebe]

I've lost count of the number of female swans I've given away!

[Butchers Blind]

Keep your pens on a retractable cord.

[madhair60]

got to let this shit go homie. bigger fish to fry.

[Buelligan]

Just keep a big pot of pens that don't work.  Simples*.


^{*Yep.  I know this is fucking provocative.}

[baptist]

Keep your pen on your lanyard. Always.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Send the thief to the state pen.

[Bartholomew J Krishna]

[Dex Sawash]

My work clipboard has a pen attached with a string lanyard. When it runs out of ink, I pull the business out of a new pen to repair mine, put the cap back on the hollow shell of a pen and toss it on someone else's work area. Sometimes times takes a few weeks but eventually someone tries to use it and shuttles cap back and forth between the 2 ends trying to figure out why they have been struck down with inability to operate a simple writing instrument until they recall this happening once every 6 months for 2 decades and throw pen husk at me.

[dontpaintyourteeth]

wanted to write something facetious about lanyards here but there's nothing. dead as fuck

[Glebe]

[Underturd]

Pens are great, but I couldn't steal a whole one.

[lauraxsynthesis]

[shiftwork2]

Just don't have pens.  I see a pen nowadays CaB and it's as curious to me as a coin.  We touched the monolith.  Keys and lanyards next.  Bin.

[Solid Jim]

The technique I have learned of is to take the lid off the pen before handing it over. Now it cannot be pocketed without the risk of inky stains.

If it is a click pen then I can't help you.

[pancreas]

Dr Rock to the floor, please.

[TheAssassin]

It's easy, connect a pen to a powerful electrical supply, and let the thieving/borrowing cunt electrocute themselves.

[TheAssassin]

Remember Indian Ink?  Have a pen that writes with a disappearing ink, so when they use your pen to sign their divorce papers, they find out hours later that they are still married, perfect punishment.

[Brian Freeze]

Can't believe this hasn't been suggested yet but have you considered "spoiling the hygiene rating" of a couple of pens and leaving them to get nicked?

Will require self discipline to stop yourself from idling chewing on one.

[McFlymo]

Send the pen thieves to Pen Island.

[Mr Farenheit]

[badaids]

Why use a pen?! Just cut out the middle man and save time and pour the ink onto letters on the paper.

[shoulders]

There's still a slim chance in our futures that a body of pens may be called a penis.

Can I borrow your penis? No - get your hands off my penis.

[pigamus]

Just buy some cheap biros and man up, you big ponce

[Buelligan]

There's still a slim chance in our futures that a body of pens may be called a penis.

Can I borrow your penis? No - get your hands off my penis.

A succulent Chinese biro.  Unfortunately, the chance is too slim and this joke must be humanely put to death.

[Endicott]

Veet Voojagig enters thread with claims of new information.

[Ian Drunken Smurf]

Gorbachev was notorious for nicking pens.

[Beagle 2]

Easy come, easy go. I'm tasty - I will nick it. I'll chew it too. You want it back covered in slobber and gnawed? That's beside the point, it's already been cunted under a plinth. Can I borrow another?