Have we had a jokes thread in a while?

[Ray Travez]

@jobotic really like that one


My local restaurant does deep-fried sea mammals. Not my favourite diner, but it serves a porpoise

[binster]

What is an Australian ghost's favourite dessert?

Spoiler alert

Boo meringue

[close]

[shoulders]

What do you say to an onion who has done well?

Spoiler alert

Well donion

[close]

I like that one

[curiousoranges]

What was the ghost's favourite Bond film?

Spoiler alert

Spectre

[close]

[Blinder Data]

I ordered loads of red wine from ASDA, but due to some mix up they replaced them with bottles of white wine instead!

They send me their Sancerre apologies

[pancreas]

That guy who plays Joey from Friends was telling me he gets a severe reaction in his urinary tract whenever he drinks a certain white wine.

Spoiler alert

Pee no Blanc

[close]

[The Mollusk]

What do you call a performing artist dinosaur who inhabits the traits of the roles they're playing to strengthen their performance?

Spoiler alert

A Methodactyl.

[close]

[Dex Sawash]

What do you call a dinosaur who pisses on your chips?

Spoiler alert

cunt

[close]

[KaraokeDragon]

What do you call a dinosaur who joins the Liberal Democrats?

Spoiler alert

Misguided

[close]

[bgmnts]

My Taiwanese friend is quite the overacheiver.

It must be his Taipei personality.

[famethrowa]

Robert Fripp got 2 DVDs for Christmas, The Bill and The Tudors. So why couldn't he make it to rehearsal in January?

Spoiler alert

He got caught on the crims n' kings

[close]

[pancreas]

'Mate, I was just walking past your washing machine and a corner of it made this burning cut across my midriff!'

Spoiler alert

Oh yeah, sorry about that. It's a Hotpoint.

[close]

[The Mollusk]

"Have you seen that film about the bloke who pays someone $1,000,000 to shag their washing machine?"

"No, what's it called?"

Spoiler alert

"Indesit Proposal"

[close]

[famethrowa]

Q: Why did the members of popular 90's band Suede have to pay their guard dog 3 pounds 47 pence in the morning?

Spoiler alert

A: Because that's the Animal Night-rate!

[close]

[famethrowa]

Q: Why did the producer of popular 90's movie Broken Arrow get in trouble for sexual harrassment?

Spoiler alert

A: Because when they met with the studio lady to discuss directors, he was pitching Woo!

[close]

[Angst in my Pants]

What do you call a performing artist dinosaur who inhabits the traits of the roles they're playing to strengthen their performance?

Spoiler alert

A Methodactyl.

[close]

Bravo!

[pancreas]

What do you call a one-eyed reptile that doesn't know which classroom he is supposed to be lecturing in?

Spoiler alert

Doyouthinkhetortoise

[close]

[shoulders]

What do you call a dog that does magic?

Spoiler alert

weird wizard dog

[close]

[Ray Travez]

Q: Why did the members of popular 90's band Suede have to pay their guard dog 3 pounds 47 pence in the morning?

Spoiler alert

A: Because that's the Animal Night-rate!

[close]

Excellent!

[shoulders]

What do you eat after the eggy soldiers?

Spoiler alert

The eggy non-combatants

[close]

[thenoise]

My 4 year old loves making up jokes.

My bum's got no nose
How does it smell?
*RASPBERRY*

Knock knock
Who's there?
The interrupting bum
The interrupt-
*RASPBERRY*

See if you can spot a theme?

[pancreas]

What are you playing with, Ahmed? Shouldn't you be on the Hajj?

Spoiler alert

Meccano

[close]

[Spudgun]

Why is renowned popular songstress Miss Swift best advised to avoid the remaining members of noted rock band Queen?

Spoiler alert

Brian May Roger Taylor.

[close]

[pancreas]

For the second in my series of Pillars of Islam jokes, I offer the following.
An arab horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, 'Why the long face?'

The horse replies, 'I'm not in the mood for jokes. It's the end of Ramadan and I was promised a feast.

Spoiler alert

And what do I get for Eid? Shoots and leaves.'

[close]

[Dex Sawash]

How do you make a (verbw)hormone?


mention Starmer!

[Dex Sawash]

Fucked that right up but leaving it