DESOLATION_V.swf

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

7.39am, wakeup and oh shit.

Fuck.

You've only got it haven't you.

You've only bloody gone and got it.

It's chosen you, it's happened to you, not to your friends or colleagues or family. You.

Yes.

Scabies.

[Ferris]

The Dom Joly Comeback Special!

[touchingcloth]

You've been using the toilet and bidet the wrong way round for years.

[Cuellar]

The only evidence you ever existed is a 5 second video of you saying

"Hi, I'm Cuellar and I want a Monzo account"

[petril]

your memories of childhood bullying are distorted and all of your victims have the face of Gareth "Gaz Top" Jones

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You think farting is 'Mario Kart'.

[petril]

dad sits comatose in a home, PTSD from the war. The beans war

[petril]

another real life one:

[DoesNotFollow]

At least with this virus scare when you go see gran she doesn't insist on tongues.

[DoesNotFollow]

You refer to a drunken fast food purchase as 'a thing of beauty'. Mum's ghost appears and admonishes you for being so predictable.

[Chicory]

Nine years worth of painstakingly constructed self esteem is flattened in seconds by a chip munching flight risk.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Bregenz loses it's final Jeb-End to an unstylish ailment.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You win 500 bottles of Becks in a competition and the brewery and competition organisers promise there's more where that came from.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Glassed with a bottle of Becks blue

[petril]

a woman thinks everyone she meets is Joe Pasquale. And Joe Pasquale is playing all the characters.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

a woman thinks everyone she meets is Joe Pasquale. And Joe Pasquale is playing all the characters.

He reaches out towards her. ''Becks?''

[Ferris]

Your desire to "murder a pint!" evolves into an intricate "murder-suicide of a pint" by mid-afternoon.

[chveik]

You win 500 bottles of Becks in a competition and the brewery and competition organisers promise there's more where that came from.

euphoria thread's over there pal

[Cerys]

A benign alien species' attempt to communicate with the people of Earth results in worldwide panic-buying and handwashing memes.

[dex]

euphoria thread's over there pal

Nah, mate. Its Beck's alcohol free...

[Cuellar]

You buy a brand new self-driving Tesla to try and curry favour with your estranged son. You key in his address then sit back and enjoy the ride. Two minutes in you have a fatal heart attack and your already unimpressed son looks out of his window to see your rictus-faced corpse pull into his driveway.

[Chollis]

Your estranged father attempts to reconnect with you over a lukewarm bottle of Becks.

[Chollis]

Your mum dresses up as Marilyn Monroe and sings you "Happy Birthday Mr. President".

You are 28.

[Pingers]

You buy a brand new self-driving Tesla to try and curry favour with your estranged son. You key in his address then sit back and enjoy the ride. Two minutes in you have a fatal heart attack and your already unimpressed son looks out of his window to see your rictus-faced corpse pull into his driveway.

Excellent

[Pingers]

Corks a-poppin' at Barry's house - it's Coco Gauff's 16th birthday!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You are trapped inside an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. It's just the set, that striplighting, shiny teeth and intermittent laughter forever. The fruit is plastic and there is no way out.

[the midnight watch baboon]

Juninho pays £7,839.16 to have Emerson doused in hydrazine.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Billy Crystal is mistaken for Levi Bellfield.

'Levi? Levi mate? Oh, oh... Sorry. Thought you were Levi Bellfield''

[ollyboro]

Finally, after over 40 odd years in prison, Mark Chapman gets to sit down, in his own home, and play his own record on his own record player. Yes THE record. The copy of Double Fantasy that Lennon had autographed for Chapman, just hours before Chapman shot him. After the first crackles of vinyl give way to music, Chapman realises that his criticisms of the album's production - over which he had argued with Lennon - were incorrect. And that by owning an obsolete Fidelity stereo system, he was in breach of his bail conditions and would have to go back to jail for fucking ages.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Graham Linehan wakes up knowing fundamentally he is a woman. Not one to back down, he lives in a state of private turmoil and unease for the remaining 23 years of his life, bankrupt from all the electrodes.