Holding Probably Unfair Grudges

[Gregory Torso]

I wonder if I've been unfair to John Richardson. The first time I saw him I thought he looked damp and musty. I've never been able to shake the idea that he smells like a cupboard full of old newspapers. That's really unfair probably. I don't want to speak ill of the waterlogged, for perhaps he has always been ill, but to see him in his prop jacket made of carpet samples and his Romantic laurels of hair clippings from the barbers tiles, doing his joke about the washing up. An instant swipe left, readers! I've always felt bad for him the same as I feel sad looking at fish in a tank at the market all pale and wheezing, bleakly looking up hoping for adoption. Ah well he's got wife now so I'm sure he's safe from the fishmonger's dull cleaver.

[Bigfella]

I dislike the three Russells: Kane, Howard and Brand.  They bring it on themselves, really.  It qualifies as a grudge because I've barely even seen Howard, he was just too unbearable.

[mr. logic]

I would have left out the bit about coming out of the private members club in London. Just say "wake"
Don't muddy the water with "might have been his mate" neither! Fucking hell.
If someone calls you a cunt several times, then you know who is calling you a cunt. If you're just biting the nearest person in the general direction, it just doesn't add up.

Yeah, not that I particularly liked his brand of classroom mugging in the first place, but once you've heard that story, you can never warm to him.

Nice throw away use of the word 'tramp' too.

[Magnum Valentino]

Herring and Collins had a pop at me for my review of Rich's book on their podcast and although Rich remains one of my favourites ever for his 90s work, I've hated Andrew Collins ever since. The only good thing about him was his distinctive pronounced underbite and he had that "fixed" the vain cunt (I am joking, he was irredeemably shit at all points in time, regardless of jaw shape).

Hey Andrew, what do you think of this old thing? Cool here's your tenner. See you next week, it'll be Tiswas then in a fortnight will you say words about public information films and pretend you still find them scary? Cheers cunto.

[machotrouts]

I am genuinely surprised at how high everyone's threshold seems to be for public ear-biting. It's fine to bite a man's ear for calling you Jonathan Creek in the street. I like to think I'd do the same thing, though I probably wouldn't, due to physical decrepitude, and not being Jonathan Creek.

[Dusty Substance]

Mentioned this on here before but I had an encounter with a pre fame James Acaster which left me holding a grudge.

It was around 2010 after he'd supported Josie Long at a gig. As I always did back then, I hung around a bit after the show, just to thank the comedian and let them know how much I'd enjoyed the show. Josie was busy talking to someone else, Acaster was stood there not doing anything, so I sidled up to him, told him I'd enjoyed the show and very briefly mentioned one or two particular moments which had stood out out. I was polite, enthusiastic, took no more than 10-15 seconds at the absolute tops and the posh lanky cunt just stared at me in response. No "thank you", no "cheers", I'd even have settled for a "fuck off", but complete and utter silence was what I got.

Seen him a couple of times since and he's got from support act to one of the biggest and most respected comics in the country. He's clearly a terrific stand up but no matter how much I try to forget this unfortunate encounter I still hold a grudge. No matter how unfair.

[SweetPomPom]

Leaving a show mid-set or arriving late are all fair game for the comedian to have a go. You know you're going to get picked on if you do it and you run the risk of getting compared to Meatloaf as a result.

Went to a new local night, none of the acts were identified in advance but it was in a venue that we knew so gave it a chance.
Turns out the promoter hadn't booked anyone but himself and he did 90 fucking minutes to a handful of his mates and the four of us. Sat there with gritted teeth rather than open ourselves up to being called Meatloaf. He finally got off the stage, we left the room in silence.
Went for a piss on the way out, he came in stood next to me and started again. Longest night ever.

[sevendaughters]

here's one that is my fault and I really should get over it but Bethany Black used to post on the same music forum as I did way back before she had ever done her first gig. When she announced some slots she was doing I said something twatty like "YOU'RE doing comedy, based on your posts you are one of the most humourless people on earth" (which, iirc, was kind of true, but still a very mean thing to say) and it sort of entrenched people into taking sides. This was further enhanced when she went on some daytime TV show that had a kind of 'buzzer' element and her comedy didn't land on a daytime studio audience and she got buzzered off and I had a big old chuckle about it. Watching a couple of vids now and it's obvious she has worked hard and got her craft down really well and I was a prick when she was just starting out in a difficult game. I am using this thread to announced GRUDGE OVER, I WAS WRONG.

[thecuriousorange]

Me and my missus were massive Simon Amstell fans. We went to see him live, she has to go to the loo quite early in the first half. Picking her way back to her seat in the dark he notices and says "Is that Lorraine Kelly?". For some reason she was so upset about this that now she can't even bear to hear his name. Personaly, I still like Simon Amstell (and Lorraine Kelly).

The whole "picking on an innocent audience member going to/from the lav and roasting them about their appearance in front of the whole room" thing needs to stop.

[neveragain]

John Bishop gave me a really dirty look at the bar of a Liverpool nightclub. And his coat was scruffy. I've found that inconsequential meeting hard to get over.

[fatguyrantingredux]

"The whole "picking on an innocent audience member going to/from the lav and roasting them about their appearance in front of the whole room" thing needs to stop."

I always get this being big, tall and bald, to the point where it stops me even going to stand up shows anymore. 'OK Shrek', the same bollocks every time. What's worst is the last time it happened the shit stand up decided to engage me in some inept banter because he was dying on his arse and I offered an escape route. Asking what I did for a living I came up with 'vivisectionist' because I knew that would provide little scope for jokes. It worked as well but standing at the bar afterwards he had the cheek to come up and start banging on about how I'd ruined his slot because I had refused to engage in his hack bullshit.

[H-O-W-L]

As someone with Bathroom Trouble Related Disorders I think if a stand-up took the piss out of me taking a minute to nip to toilet I think I'd have to call them a talentless cunt or I'd have to charge the stage and soil myself upon them.

[Cold Meat Platter]

Does Frankie Boyle still say that people look like paedos?

[BeardFaceMan]

The whole "picking on an innocent audience member going to/from the lav and roasting them about their appearance in front of the whole room" thing needs to stop.

It does, especially when the comedians who do that type of thing react the worse to hecklers.

[chveik]

fuck those cunts who think there's something hilarious about men having long hair.

[Jerzy Bondov]

Sorry but needlessly calling a man with long hair 'Meat Loaf' is very funny

[BeardFaceMan]

Meatloaf jokes were already tired in the 90s when Bill Bailey was doing them, it's actually unfathomable to me that someone would say it now thinking it's the height of hilarity.

[chveik]

Sorry but needlessly calling a man with long hair 'Meat Loaf' is very funny

no it sucks

[Cold Meat Platter]

Pipe down Michael Bolton

[The Guppy]

When I worked in a motorway garage we'd often get performers filling their cars up late at night. One time Dara Ó Briain came in and I got the impression he assumed I knew who he was. I did know who he was but I never let any cunt know I know who they are. Mickey Mouse could walk in and I'd treat him like a regular cartoon mouse. Anyway I thought I detected a flicker of irritation in Dara Ó Briain's eyes when I didn't know who he was (even though I did know who he was) and it rubbed me up the wrong way. So fuck Dara Ó Briain, the fucking snooty piece of shit. I wish he was dead.

[AllisonSays]

I bear a grudge against Fringe favourites 'the Axis of Awesome', firstly because I don't like musical comedy, and secondly because one of them used to flirt outrageously with a co-worker who I had a secret crush on. Also, terrible name.

[Kankurette]

Sorry but needlessly calling a man with long hair 'Meat Loaf' is very funny

Makes a change from 'Jesus', I guess.

[AzureSky]

Me and the missus very briefly saw Dave Spikey in Chaophraya restaurant in Manchester and he looked a bit mardy. I whenever I see him, I think "I know the real you, you cunt".

[sevendaughters]

Me and the missus very briefly saw Dave Spikey in Chaophraya restaurant in Manchester and he looked a bit mardy. I whenever I see him, I think "I know the real you, you cunt".

can semi-confirm his mardiness. My mum used to work with a Dave Gorman who wanted no part of his comedy show/book thing and got pretty pestered by him in the process.

[sutin]

The hell is 'mardiness'?!

EDIT: It's Northern English speak for 'grumpy' according to Google. There you go.

[Icehaven]

Meatloaf jokes were already tired in the 90s when Bill Bailey was doing them, it's actually unfathomable to me that someone would say it now thinking it's the height of hilarity.

Well tbf it was about 15 years ago. Also it wasn't stand up, it was a comedy play type thing, think it was Shakespeare plays whittled down to half an hour or something, although there was still a lot of interaction with the audience.

[Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Tom Allen - Reprimanded an audience at an Edinburgh preview for not laughing enough, and kept on referring to it throughout his set. This is the thing which gets my back up the most about stand up, if the audience aren't laughing there's probably a good reason for that, sure, you might get the occasional rubbish and surly group, but if the other comedians got laughs and you didn't blaming the audience really isn't a good look.

Have a similar thing about Josie Long who's done this twice when I've seen her. Who's meant to be impressed enough to applaud when someone opens by saying Farage is bad in a central London arts venue?

It used to be comics who cancelled gigs at the last minute for bullshit reasons, or venues for that matter. Still annoyed with the long defunct Invisible Dot for not letting people know an Aisling Bea gig was cancelled because her train broke down and making you go to the venue to the venue to find out so they could try and get people to stay and fill a free Luke McQueen show they had later. Awful.
Anyway, my stance on this softened when I saw a Lolly Adefope WIP which she'd forgotten she'd booked and did 20 minutes of old material then left. If she was going to do old stuff then at least do 45 minutes instead of taking the piss, I wish she had cancelled the gig so I could have gotten the refund

[kngen]

Me and my missus were massive Simon Amstell fans. We went to see him live, she has to go to the loo quite early in the first half. Picking her way back to her seat in the dark he notices and says "Is that Lorraine Kelly?". For some reason she was so upset about this that now she can't even bear to hear his name. Personaly, I still like Simon Amstell (and Lorraine Kelly).

Similar experience with Amstell. Me and my partner got tickets which were unfortunately in the front row, but the hugely inaccurate seating map suggested they were well off to the side. They weren't. Front and centre. I couldn't get comfortable because the twat to my right was hogging the armrest, so I had to sit leaning forward resting my elbows on my knees.

'Oooh, you look a bit intimidating. Like a big gorilla. Can you try and sit back and relax a bit? You're putting me off,' was the first call-out from Amstell, which ruined the show for me there and then, as I sat stressing for the next hour or so (which felt like days) that he'd return to me at some point, which he did, two or three times. Fucking nightmare. The only saving grace was that he noticed the twat next to me had started staring at the ceiling as Amstell was wrapping up his routine, which gave him focus for his ire, and he went to town on that manspreading twat instead, who looked visibly shellshocked as we filed out of the theatre. But, despite my wife's deep and abiding love for Amstell on NMTB and Grandma's House, he's persona non grata as far as I'm concerned, to the point I'll leave the room if he's on the telly.

[Deliciousbass]

Saw Stewart Lee when he was doing his Baconface character - he came on told one joke then began complaining that we were a terrible audience and he didn't think we were going to get on board. i think we all thought he was just doing his usual audience-baiting schtick but apparently not as he walked off less than 5 mins into the show. The weirdest thing was that people were enjoying it... it was absolutely not the case that we were sitting there stony faced. But even if that was the case he didn't even try to make the gig work. It was just such an odd reaction. The tech guy then had to come out and apologise, pointing us to the box office for a refund (i spoke to him a bit and he thought it was a money thing and the baconface shows, even though they were sold out, brought in far less than his 'official Stewart Lee show' - no idea if this was the case).

To be clear, I really don't believe that a performer owes an audience anything beyond what's advertised, even cancelling would have been fine since we were refunded. It was immediately blaming the audience that seemed so shitty to me.

I've enjoyed his stand up since then and loved the film he made about the Nightingales, and it doesn't seem like he's done this since, but it did sour me on him a bit.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Similar experience with Amstell. Me and my partner got tickets which were unfortunately in the front row, but the hugely inaccurate seating map suggested they were well off to the side. They weren't. Front and centre. I couldn't get comfortable because the twat to my right was hogging the armrest, so I had to sit leaning forward resting my elbows on my knees.

'Oooh, you look a bit intimidating. Like a big gorilla. Can you try and sit back and relax a bit? You're putting me off,' was the first call-out from Amstell, which ruined the show for me there and then, as I sat stressing for the next hour or so (which felt like days) that he'd return to me at some point, which he did, two or three times. Fucking nightmare. The only saving grace was that he noticed the twat next to me had started staring at the ceiling as Amstell was wrapping up his routine, which gave him focus for his ire, and he went to town on that manspreading twat instead, who looked visibly shellshocked as we filed out of the theatre. But, despite my wife's deep and abiding love for Amstell on NMTB and Grandma's House, he's persona non grata as far as I'm concerned, to the point I'll leave the room if he's on the telly.

That reminds me of a mixed bill gig I went to when I'd broken my leg back in 2007, where I was in a wheelchair and a full leg cast. Problem was that due to the nature of the venue I had to be in the front row, and as soon as they saw me I could see the eyes light up of every single comedian who came on to the stage, and because they'd either arrived late or just hadn't been listening to the other comedians they asked me what had happened and a hundred (well, at least five) other questions. Now I'm something of an attention whore and the first couple of times didn't mind at all, but by the end of the night I just wanted to see some prepared material and not another selection of hack jokes that had already been made by all the other comics.